Living together before marriage

[Phaneuf3]

Originally Posted by rubecube

I think that's where him and I are at odds on the philosophy of marriage. I don't see being married as a deterrent to splitting up. Like I said, people don't get married with the idea that they'll get divorced, yet it happens 40% of the time. I just don't see marriage as any more of a commitment than what we already have, yet it's twice as complicated and more expensive.

I've always been curious about that stat. You see it a lot but how skewed is it? I want to know how many of those marriages that are listed as failed involved people who had been married before vs how many people are on their first marriage.

Put a couple people that are on their 6th or 8th marriage into the mix and that stat could get skewed pretty fast.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by Phaneuf3

I've always been curious about that stat. You see it a lot but how skewed is it? I want to know how many of those marriages that are listed as failed involved people who had been married before vs how many people are on their first marriage.

Put a couple people that are on their 6th or 8th marriage into the mix and that stat could get skewed pretty fast.

I don't know how much that really matters. Yes some people may suck at marriage, but I can guarantee they don't decide to get married because they love getting divorced.

[rubecube]

Wait - why is "upper decker" one of the tags on this?

[zuluking]

Originally Posted by rubecube

If I had the money I would. I'm currently not in a financial state to afford that kind of luxury. What do you want to bet his view would be on her supporting me going to school?



Or, you know, people changing and not having the same priorities or feelings towards each other down the line.

[/quot]Are "my parents" the same ones that put you through the horrors of a failed marriage?

Yep. Their relationship with each other doesn't mean they were bad parents to me and my sister.[/quote]

Firstly, I wasn't inferring they were bad parents. They may provide more latitude due to their inability to provide a secure environment for you during childhood. Yes, a wild assumption. Regardless, that is there approach which is agreeable to you personally so you're supportive of it. Dad's approach is less agreeable to you personally so you rail against it (as does your girlfriend.) But whether you agree or not, doesn't make it right or wrong either or any less worthy of respect being his turf and all.

Secondly, the misconception of failed marriages is that people, priorities and feelings change. Well, here's the surprise: in successful marriages, people, priorities and feelings change, too. The difference is in the MUTUAL effort involved. Some days it feels like frickin' work and other days as easy as breathing. It's the days where it feels like work when people decide to stop trying and blame "feelings." "I simply fell out of love" is a BS line. You CHOOSE to stop loving someone. A successful marriage is built out of " I CHOOSE to love my spouse when they're at their worst; when it's the hardest; and when I least feel like it." Like it or not, marriage requires work and effort...period. Anyone that claims otherwise will likely become part of the 40% statistic.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by zuluking

Secondly, the misconception of failed marriages is that people, priorities and feelings change. Well, here's the surprise: in successful marriages, people, priorities and feelings change, too. The difference is in the MUTUAL effort involved. Some days it feels like frickin' work and other days as easy as breathing. It's the days where it feels like work when people decide to stop trying and blame "feelings." "I simply fell out of love" is a BS line. You CHOOSE to stop loving someone. A successful marriage is built out of " I CHOOSE to love my spouse when they're at their worst; when it's the hardest; and when I least feel like it." Like it or not, marriage requires work and effort...period. Anyone that claims otherwise will likely become part of the 40% statistic.

Interesting point. I would also argue then that some people are not properly equipped to be married...ever.

[4X4]

Originally Posted by rubecube

Wait - why is "upper decker" one of the tags on this?

LOL! I guess whoever put it there figured that the saying "sh*t or get off the pot" doesn't really apply to you.

[rubecube]

Actually, I'd like to revise my previous post. My parents have both said they cared about each other a lot but that there were a lot of things that they didn't like about the other person. They both thought they could change the other person by marrying them, or that these things wouldn't bother them down the line but in the end it's what caused them to split-up. I don't think that has anything to with effort. It was two incompatible people foolishly thinking that marriage would make them compatible. Lots of people get married for all the wrong reasons and that's why they break up.

[Winsor_Pilates]

Originally Posted by mikey_the_redneck

Where is the effort from the girls parents here?
Why is it that rubecube has to make all the concessions and kiss up to his girlfriends father? If they are going to get along in the long run, rubecube and the ol' man will both have to take one step towards eachother to find acceptance.

Neither of us know much about their greater relationship or how many concessions each has had to make, so who knows? Maybe the dad is impossible to please, maybe he's made many attempts of his own. I'm only judging by what's in the thread and it doesn't seem like he's asking for too much, just 3 nights on a coach.

Originally Posted by Rubecube

Really? I attend all of her immediate and extended family functions with her and her parents, attend every Holiday dinner, take her father to sporting events and golfing. Oh, and I also gave up my job, friends, family, and a city I loved living in to move with her to Victoria so she could be closer to her family. What else should I do to show this guy that I'm committed to his daughter?

I'm only commenting on the situation you've detailed about 3 nights on a coach. If you've done all of these things, great. I don't know you personally, so you could be every dad's dream son in law for all I know. I don't see why 3 nights on a coach would be your tipping point than?

[JiriHrdina]

Originally Posted by rubecube

This is also a culmination of issues, not just a one-off. He apparently has a problem with me not coming for Sunday dinners because I use Sundays as my day to unwind, drink, gamble, and watch football. Should I give that up too just to appease him? I'm not going to live my life the way my girlfriend's dad wants me to. I'm going to live it how I want to live it.

To answer this question - yes. If she's that important to you. I don't see why going to dinner kills your entire day. If I were her parents and my invitation was turned down because the guy wanted to "drink gamble and watch football" I would be offended and question who she was with.

Create a new tradition that includes Sunday dinners at her folks.

[return to the red]

Originally Posted by zuluking

Firstly, I wasn't inferring they were bad parents. They may provide more latitude due to their inability to provide a secure environment for you during childhood. Yes, a wild assumption. Regardless, that is there approach which is agreeable to you personally so you're supportive of it. Dad's approach is less agreeable to you personally so you rail against it (as does your girlfriend.) But whether you agree or not, doesn't make it right or wrong either or any less worthy of respect being his turf and all.

Secondly, the misconception of failed marriages is that people, priorities and feelings change. Well, here's the surprise: in successful marriages, people, priorities and feelings change, too. The difference is in the MUTUAL effort involved. Some days it feels like frickin' work and other days as easy as breathing. It's the days where it feels like work when people decide to stop trying and blame "feelings." "I simply fell out of love" is a BS line. You CHOOSE to stop loving someone. A successful marriage is built out of " I CHOOSE to love my spouse when they're at their worst; when it's the hardest; and when I least feel like it." Like it or not, marriage requires work and effort...period. Anyone that claims otherwise will likely become part of the 40% statistic.

Thanks just isn't enough for this section. My thoughts are exactly the same, I just wish my ex-wife would have come to realize this before coming to the conclusion that she "fell out of love" with me.

With Regards to the OP, It's understandable that it makes no sense why sleeping together in one place (at home) is no different then sleeping together in another (her parents place) but it is her parents place and if you are seriously committed to the relationship then 3 days on the couch is a small price to pay for a life time without greif. Swallow your pride for those days and move on.

[Flames Draft Watcher]

Originally Posted by rubecube

I should clarify that I'm not asking whether he has the right to do this, when clearly he does. I'm just asking if you would run a similar policy if it were your house. Does this seem outdated and petty?

Many hardcore religious people believe the same. My parents wouldn't have approved of me bringing girls back to their place because they don't believe in sex before marriage.

I would not run a similar policy because I do not believe having sex before marriage is a big deal at all. I would not run a similar policy because I am not religious and thus do not follow religious proscriptions about when you can/cannot have sex.

But there's a lot of people out there for whom the issue is a bigger deal. Heck my parents have made it known to my gay half brother that they don't approve of his lifestyle which I find pretty brutal on their part.

I don't want to derail this thread but the reality of my experience with growing up in the church with highly religious parents is that Christians are very judging despite claims to the contrary. Opposing belief systems and religious are openly hated on. My parents believe yoga and martial arts could cause your family to come under demonic influence. They believe that there is something more that goes on with sex that binds people souls and other such nonsense. In my experience Christians are very closed minded in general and conservative in morality shifts.

So yeah, sex before marriage is generally accepted but hardcore Christians still have to object to it, its against their religion.

[4X4]

Originally Posted by Winsor_Pilates

Neither of us know much about their greater relationship or how many concessions each has had to make, so who knows? Maybe the dad is impossible to please, maybe he's made many attempts of his own. I'm only judging by what's in the thread and it doesn't seem like he's asking for too much, just 3 nights on a coach.

I'm only commenting on the situation you've detailed about 3 nights on a coach. If you've done all of these things, great. I don't know you personally, so you could be every dad's dream son in law for all I know. I don't see why 3 nights on a coach would be your tipping point than?

The joke just writes itself.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by JiriHrdina

To answer this question - yes. If she's that important to you. I don't see why going to dinner kills you entire day. If I were her parents and my invitation was turned down because the guy wanted to "drink gamble and watch football" I would be offended and question who she was with.

Create a new tradition that include Sunday dinners at her folks.

No thanks. Where's the compromise in that? Dinners over there aren't enjoyable, and I only get 20 weeks of football per year (all condensed into one day a week). If football was on more frequently then yeah, it'd be no problem. I also go every Sunday when there is no football on and usually compromise and go when my team is on a bye week. That seems fair to me. Should I be offended if I invite my girlfriend's dad out for brunch on Sunday and he turns me down because he spends all day at church?

[DOK]

You sound like a gem of a partner, no marriage, no owning a house (maybe), no kids, no joint accounts. Sounds like you have a good deal for yourself going there. Wonder how she would feel if she read this thread.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by DOK

You sound like a gem of a partner, no marriage, no owning a house (maybe), no kids, no joint accounts. Sounds like you have a good deal for yourself going there. Wonder how she would feel if she read this thread.

Bored? I came pretty much as advertised. I'm very honest with people about my feelings on marriage/relationships. They tend to be less pissed off and surprised that way.

[Cowboy89]

Originally Posted by rubecube

No thanks. Where's the compromise in that? Dinners over there aren't enjoyable, and I only get 20 weeks of football per year (all condensed into one day a week). If football was on more frequently then yeah, it'd be no problem. I also go every Sunday when there is no football on and usually compromise and go when my team is on a bye week. That seems fair to me. Should I be offended if I invite my girlfriend's dad out for brunch on Sunday and he turns me down because he spends all day at church?

Maybe it's just because you're an Eagles fan. I mean they booed Santa!

Or

You could buy a PVR and watch the game when you get home. My brother (AKA Lambeburger) probably is an even bigger Flames fan than me (If that's possible) and he has to watch each and every Flames game in its entirety. But he happens to work evenings and weekends often. Insted of quiting his job and other important things in his life, he tapes the games and watches them when he gets home. I have a habit of not texting him about the game until I know for sure he's watched it, that way when he see's it it's like he's watching it live. If you can't miss watching two Non-Eagle teams live as it happens on Sunday nights then maybe it's really you who has the problem and not your gf's family. If the Eagles are playing then you can make that the odd week you miss Sunday dinner.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by Cowboy89

You could buy a PVR and watch the game when you get home. My brother (Lambeburger) probably is an even bigger Flames fan than me (If that's possible) and he has to watch each and every Flames game in its entirety. But he happens to work evenings and weekends often. Insted of quiting his job and other important things in his life, he tapes the games and watches them when he gets home. I have a habit of not texting him about the game until I know for sure he's watched it, that way when he see's it it's like he's watching it live. If you can't miss watching two Non-Eagle teams live as it happens on Sunday nights then maybe it's really you who has the problem and not your gf's family. If the Eagles are playing then you can make that the odd week you miss Sunday dinner.

Yeah, I like to watch a lot of non-Eagles games because I usually have money on them. I have a PVR, but I see it this way:

I work 5 days a week like everyone else, but when I come my girlfriend usually has control of the TV for the evening. That's fine with me because I don't really watch a lot of TV and she has certain programs she likes. On Fridays and Saturdays we usually spend a good chunk of the day doing things she wants to do, so I take Sundays for me. I don't think having one day a week to yourself is too unreasonable.

EDIT: And let's be clear, her family doesn't have a problem with it. Her and her mom think it's funny that I dedicate my day to that. Her brothers don't care either. The only one who has problem with it is her dad.

[Sinatra]

Yeah...no kids, no marriage...if she stays for much longer I'd be suprised. It'd be pretty hard for her, but who knows.

[rubecube]

Originally Posted by Sinatra

Yeah...no kids, no marriage...if she stays for much longer I'd be suprised. It'd be pretty hard for her, but who knows.

Actually, we agree on the rugrats.

[CaptainCrunch]

Or do what I did, instead of always going for dinner, I'd invite the parents to my place for a Sunday of football, gambling, cigars and scotch. All you need to do is convince the woman folk that they belong in the damn kitchen.

To me, and maybe its just me, avoiding dinner for football is a lot different then avoiding brunch for church.