Joke Competition Help Needed

[Got Miikka?]

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

A: One's made out of plastic, and the other is used for carrying groceries.

Hey-O!

[ResAlien]

Two nuns at the convent are speaking with the Head Mistress. The convent is being remodeled, and the Head Mistress gives them a task. She tells them...

"You need to paint this room, top to bottom, ceiling and all. But under no circumstances are you to get ANY paint on your habits, or you will be immediately expelled from the convent."

Fearing repurcussions, the two nuns discuss what they can do. They finally decide since they will be the only two in the room, the best choice is to remove their habits completely, put them in the closet, and paint that way.

"We'll lock the door so no one can barge in on us"

They get to painting, and after a little while hear a knock on the door. They're a bit worried, but they ask...

"Who is it?"

"Blind man" The voice on the other side replies. Not sure why the man needs in, they discuss it with each other.

"We cannot let a man in here, we're stark naked!"

"True, but he is blind, he won't know the difference."

Both nuns agree, and open the door for the man.

"Nice tits, where do you want the blinds?"

[Dion]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

[HockeyKhan]

Why did god give women yeast infections?

So they know what its like to live with an irritating C---.

[Jayems]

[Edit: May have told this one before on CP (joke thread)... but it's my favorite.]

Guy is walking home after a long day at work. He walks past the neighbourhood pub and thinks, "well, maybe just a pint... but the Mrs. will kill me if she finds out I've been spending money on booze."

The guy decides that he'll have just 1 wobbly pop.

Well, 1 turns into 2, and 2 into 10. Next thing, it's 3 hours later and he's sloshed and he's just puked all over himself. The 'tender, seeing the man visibily upset, asks the patron, "What's wrong, buddy?"

"Well," the man explains in very slurred speech, "I promised my wife I wouldn't spend money on booze, and here I am drunk as a skunk and covered in vomit. She's gunna kill me when I get home."

The bartender thinks for a minute and begins to explain a plan to the drunkard.

"Here's what you do," the 'tender explains. "Go over to the bank machine, take out $20 and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that you were walking by the pub on your way home, when a drunk outside the bar puked all over you. Tell her he gave you $20 for your trouble."

"Tahtz purfeccct," the drunk responds!!

So, as instructed, the drunk goes home to a very upset wife.

"Where the hell have you been?" the wife prods. "And what is all that puke doing on your new shirt?"

"wait, wait wait... babyyy... you see, I was walking past the bar, when this guy puked all over me... and you see... he gave me $20 for my trouble," he said (very drunk).

The drunk pulls out the money for his wife to see.

"Wait a minute... there's $40 here!" the wife says.

"Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!"

[Harmon Recoil]

Why are the Edmonton Oilers like a possum?


Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road

[Dion]

Dear Fellow Constituent:


The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations. The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room , which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.

The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.

The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.

The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.

The library will also include many famous Quotes by GeorgeW. Bush:

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'

'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'

'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.'
'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.'

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'

'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'

'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'

'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.' (during an education photo-op)

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'...George W.Bush to Sam Donaldson

PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!

Sincerely, Jack Abramoff, Co-Chair
Robert A.M. Stern , Architect

[Dion]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is'.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old buxom blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son 'Quick, go get your mother!'

[Ziggy Lidstrom]

How do you know a white kid did your homework?
There's a note from the teacher on the front telling you to see her after class and a list of people to get even with on the back of the assignment.

Why don't blind people skydive?
cuz it scares the ish out of their dogs.

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A guy walks into a pub with an octopus in tow. They have a seat at the bar. The bartender sees the man and his octopus and immediately informs the man that the policy is no pets. The man quickly asserts that the octopus is no pet, instead he is a musical genius. He then says, " I noticed a stage with some instruments in the back of the room there." The bartender replies, "Those are for our Open Mic night." Continuing with his initial train of thought the man says, "well if my octopus can play all of those instruments then I get to drink for free," the bartender playfully says, "well why not, and if he can't then you must buy a round for the house." The man agrees and instructs the octopus to go play.

The first instrument was a guitar. The octopus picks it up and starts playing hendrix. The second instrument was a drum kit. The octopus sits on the stool and plays some John Bonham. The third instrument was a keyboard. The Octopus starts to play some stevie wonder. The fourth instrument is a set of bag pipes. The Octopus picks them up; and fumbles with them; not playing them while oddly fondling/manipulating them. To no avail, he couldn't play them.

Meanwhile back at the bar, the Bartender has a laugh and says to the man, "that is a talented octopus, he is indeed special but not enough to win the bet. What is everybody drinking then?"...
The octopus returns to the bar, to which the man says, " thanks you just cost 200 bucks, how come you couldn't play those bagpipes?" with a confused look on its face the octopus replied, "Play 'em, I was trying to FCUK 'em!"
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An engineer passes away and is mystically transported to some pearly gates where a bearded concierge looking man was fiddling about at a desk. The engineer walks up to the man and learns that he is speaking with St. Peter.

St. Peter looks up from his affairs to greet the engineer, "Hello, welcome to heaven, may I please have your reservation?" The engineer exclaimed, "I am Cosmo Kramer."
St. Peter browses his records and says, "Ah, Mr Kramer, it seems that we weren't expecting you for a couple of days and thusly have no room for you at the present moment... hmmm. I may have to put you in hell for a temporary bit of time. Lucifer owes me, so this should be no problem." Mr Kramer is then relocated to hell.

3 days pass, and St. Peter informs god of Mr. Kramer's impending arrival, so god then calls Lu. "Hey Lu, thanks for the solid, but we're ready for kramer, so you can ship him up asap, alright?"
Lucifer, thinking about the new central air-conditioning, the escalators installed and the new water park that Mr. Kramer had helped him engineer says, "I don't think I want to send him over to you. Hell has never been better thanks to him."

God is shocked, but not really, at Satan's disobedience and in a booming voice says, "Satan, if you do not return Mr. Kramer I will be forced to sue you." To which Satan slyly responded, "Yeah, well where you going to get a lawyer?".
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[FanIn80]

Clearly, this is the best time to break out my muffin joke:

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Is it ever hot in here!" To which, the other muffin replies...












"HOLY F***! A TALKING MUFFIN ?!!?!!?"