How to deal with horrible inlaws?

[The Goon]

I was hoping this thread would be "Share your crazy in-law stories" but it sadly seems more serious.

I think I may pick up that Toxic In-Laws book, though!

[Maritime Q-Scout]

Originally Posted by flamesfever

I think what separates your case from others is the disability element. I have found that relatives, in this case, can be overprotective, judgemental, and a downright pain in the butt. It usually stems from fear and ignorance. Usually with time and patience the truth becomes known and things return to normal. However, it takes the patience of Job and a lot of belief in yourself. I agree with others that you really have to get your wife onside to make any headway.

I think you maybe right here.

From my own experience I tend to be more protective of friends, and family with disabilities than I am of those without. Add into the mix a child, a female child at that, and you have over protective parents.

One thing that was missed by the OP in the barrage of questions was, when did he controlling behaviour start?

I think that may be a key as well.

Then again, I'm some random jagoff on the internet, what do I know?

[Ne7en]

nm

[Rathji]

I take back my previous advise.

Just shoot, shovel and shut up.

[notoepik]

Originally Posted by Ne7en

I told my gf they are not welcome in my home, am I overactive or acting appropriately?

I have no idea if you live with your gf or not. So this is not really directed to you. But something I have seen a couple of times in this thread is a male saying this is my house, my home.

If you are sharing that space with your girlfriend or wife it is not your home alone. Who visits and is welcome is something you both decide together.

[Caged Great]

My parents in-laws were all crazy due to one side being Catholic, and the other being Protestant. Their solution was to leave Toronto and moved to Calgary. It's been 34 years since then and each side still is as messed up as they were before (They still try to convince them that they aren't good for each other and that they should leave).

Putting a continent between you and them might help.

[FlamingLonghorn]

Originally Posted by Ne7en

A little over 2 yrs ago my girlfriend and I broke up (my choice) for all of 2 months. We got back together and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to apologize to her sister. I also attempted to reach out and have her contact me by providing her with my contact info. (we have never been close / she lives in another province). In a matter of a few days her husband (my gf's brother-in-law) sends me a message stating that they don't want anything to do with me, and how terrible a person I am (<--clean version). Anyways this caused allot of rifts between me and my gf over the time and made for some awkward family gatherings all while he cowards out and avoids me. Fast forward to the present and suddenly they expect me to forget about it without ever speaking a word to him, and how her sister is still trying to get over me hurting her sister (my gf). I told my gf they are not welcome in my home, am I overactive or acting appropriately? I figure this is a perfect place to get unbiased opinions / advice.

Well first, you might want to find out what your girlfriend said about you after you broke up. If she painted you in a very bad light, they might have believed you weren't a good person. People tend to exaggerate about another when they get dumped. Second, if her sister is still trying to get over you hurting your sister than that's her problem. Obviously your girlfriend has forgiven you and it's been a long time so it's not as if you keep dumping her and getting back together with her repeatedly. Finally, if they are fairly civil to you then I wouldn't bar them from your home. If they are bad mouthing you and argue with you and things like that then it makes sense, but if not sometimes you have to be the bigger man and just let it roll off your back for the sake of your girlfriend.

[vektor]

When I first met my girlfriends dad he wouldn't even look at me, never shook my hand and didn't say anything to me. The mom accused me of using the daughter for sex when she is the one that always comes on to me and we've been dating for more than a year, not to mention I have bailed my girlfriend out of countless situations when I didn't have to. I'm a little bit concerned about that, they are an insane family. The only normal ones are her grandparents that are nice to me.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

I suppose you could always take the approach of going into graphic detail of your bedroom shenanigans and nasty loving making romps making it expressly clear that you're violating their daughter, perhaps in ways that are unbecoming in their belief system. Explain their daughter's appetite and desire to invite her female friends over on the weekend for beer, barbecue and to share a sausage.

Then ask for advice on how to get her to stop her Satanic rituals, her killing of goats is really starting to frighten you.

[Locke]

Have you shat on their porch? Have you considered it?

[Danijam]

That does seem pretty bad. My suggestion would be limiting your own personal contact with them, but making sure your wife knows she is fully supported by you whether she wants to continue seeing them or not. If she cares about her family, and it seems as though she does, she probably feels torn and unsupported from both sides. Even if they're the worst people on earth, they are still her family. From your perspective you think she is better off without them, which may or may not be true, but you shouldn't be the one to force it. Instead, try a soft-pedal approach - keep your distance and also try to limit negative conversations with your wife about them that might make you angry and in turn make her feel badly. It will probably be really hard, but if you can, try to stay objective when she talks about them, so she knows she's getting your unemotional opinion of each situation and not one that's based solely on your dislike for them. If you really feel like they are damaging her feeling of self worth, you could suggest that she spends a few sessions with a good psychologist. An impartial psychologist might help her see them as they actually are and could help guide her toward choosing a limited-contact scenario without your intervention. Good luck to you!

[Flabbibulin]

Originally Posted by Jimmy Krack Korn

I'm going to go ahead and assume you're joking about this.

Yes.

The reality is most mother in laws are nuts, but I know a number of guys who have great relationships with their father in laws... Sucks when both are nuts.

My in laws are great, but there are times when my mother in law drives me to drink

[Fluffy Bunnies]

Originally Posted by Locke

What? No one can appreciate the fact that a user named "Fluffy Bunnies" told him to gather his balls and man up?

That thought actually never crossed my mind. Thanks for pointing that out.

In all seriousness OP, my original point still stands. If your wife wont stand up for you I would seriously reconsider the marriage. When you got married you both took an oath to stand by each other, during good times and bad. When a spouse takes up with their parents, or doesnt defend them against baseless accusations and claims, then it disrespects you and your union. Based on what youve provided, Id say your wife has some maturing and growing up to do when it comes to her parents and you.

Im fortunate to have pretty decent in laws, but the one time her mother stepped out of line, my wife put her in her place. Im confident my wife comes to my defence, and she confident in me. Its about respect, and being spineless is a lack thereof.

[TheGrimm]

Originally Posted by Fluffy Bunnies

That thought actually never crossed my mind. Thanks for pointing that out.

In all seriousness OP, my original point still stands. If your wife wont stand up for you I would seriously reconsider the marriage. When you got married you both took an oath to stand by each other, during good times and bad. When a spouse takes up with their parents, or doesnt defend them against baseless accusations and claims, then it disrespects you and your union. Based on what youve provided, Id say your wife has some maturing and growing up to do when it comes to her parents and you.

Im fortunate to have pretty decent in laws, but the one time her mother stepped out of line, my wife put her in her place. Im confident my wife comes to my defence, and she confident in me. Its about respect, and being spineless is a lack thereof.

So on one hand, you speak of a sacred oath to stay together through good times and bad, but at the first sign of marital struggle you are recommending he reconsider the marriage? Sound about right?

[Fluffy Bunnies]

Why would any spouse sit there and watch their parents sh*t on the other when it can all be avoided? The oath of marriage talks about bad times; as in bad times that happen to you. Not bad times that are directly being enabled by one spouse's disrespect to the either. For one spouse to stand by and say nothing while the parents denegrate the other is a complete lack of respect.

Would you put up with this unacceptable behaviour? Why should OP?

In this day and age there is this societal acceptance of passive agressiveness. We have become a society of p*ssies not willing to say anything for fear of rocking the boat or hurting people's feelings. Time to be assertive and lay down the law. No one should have to put up with that crap. I know I wouldnt. Why? Im not a doormat, and neither is my wife.

[DuffMan]

When myself and my wife were only married a couple of years, we went and visited her parents who were living in the Mac. The women went out wherever and me and the Dad were watching football or something. He went off on a racist rant at one point, and it seemed to me that that was what he would've considered bonding with me. So I told him I don't agree with him and basically never would in the best possible way, being as I was in his house. If he were in my house it would've been a different story. So anyways I told my wife I'd never do that again, as in go visit them if it meant staying overnight etc. So the point of my story is, he took his own life a couple of years ago and I don't have to worry about it anymore.

[BBQorMILDEW]

Originally Posted by DuffMan

When myself and my wife were only married a couple of years, we went and visited her parents who were living in the Mac. The women went out wherever and me and the Dad were watching football or something. He went off on a racist rant at one point, and it seemed to me that that was what he would've considered bonding with me. So I told him I don't agree with him and basically never would in the best possible way, being as I was in his house. If he were in my house it would've been a different story. So anyways I told my wife I'd never do that again, as in go visit them if it meant staying overnight etc. So the point of my story is, he took his own life a couple of years ago and I don't have to worry about it anymore.

A real, feel good ending right there.

[Titan]

Originally Posted by DuffMan

When myself and my wife were only married a couple of years, we went and visited her parents who were living in the Mac. The women went out wherever and me and the Dad were watching football or something. He went off on a racist rant at one point, and it seemed to me that that was what he would've considered bonding with me. So I told him I don't agree with him and basically never would in the best possible way, being as I was in his house. If he were in my house it would've been a different story. So anyways I told my wife I'd never do that again, as in go visit them if it meant staying overnight etc. So the point of my story is, he took his own life a couple of years ago and I don't have to worry about it anymore.

Well, that story took a turn...

[Locke]

Well. That escalated quickly.

[Bertuzzied]

Hmmm So the OP just has to wait for his inlaws to commit suicide....?

There was no point to that story.