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Old 03-30-2007, 12:17 PM   #81
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Here is a joke to tell your friends. As you'll see it has to be done in person.

Q: How do you spell Mississippi with only one i?

A: (Cover one of your eyes with one of your hands) M-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i

This one works great when told either before or after this joke previously told in the this thread:

Q: What is a fish without any eyes?
A: A fsh.
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Old 03-30-2007, 12:20 PM   #82
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So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
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Old 03-30-2007, 12:32 PM   #83
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Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk!
Churchill: And you, Madam, are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober.


Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course...
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.
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Old 03-30-2007, 12:42 PM   #84
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Guy: Doc, I have these dreams. Once, I was a wigwam. The other, I was a teepee. Then I was a wigwam again, then a teepee... a wigwam, a teepee...

Doc: Relax, you're obviously too tense/two tents.

----------------------

(This one is sending me straight to hell, you'll have to hilight the answer)

What's better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?

*Not being ######ed*
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Old 03-30-2007, 12:50 PM   #85
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Have you heard the joke about the pizza? OH I won't tell you it's too cheesy


Why is Helen Keller a bad driver?

Because she is a woman
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Old 03-30-2007, 12:58 PM   #86
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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Ach...
Ach who?
Bless you!


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying beside a hole?
Doug


What time is it when your watch breaks?
Time to get a new watch!
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Old 03-30-2007, 01:08 PM   #87
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Quote:
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Why is Helen Keller a bad driver?

Because she is a woman
BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! WINNER!!!!!!
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Old 03-30-2007, 01:44 PM   #88
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Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Last edited by Ford Prefect; 03-30-2007 at 02:04 PM.
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Old 03-30-2007, 01:57 PM   #89
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I am laughing while a type

Two Hippos are in a bathtub, one says “pass the soap”

The other Says “What am I? A Typewriter?”
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Old 03-30-2007, 01:58 PM   #90
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Superman once wrote on the wall: "Batman is a wimp."

The next day Batman wrote: "Superman is Clark Kent."
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Old 03-30-2007, 02:03 PM   #91
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I am laughing while a type

Two Hippos are in a bathtub, one says “pass the soap”

The other Says “What am I? A Typewriter?”
??????????? gonna have to think about that one.
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Old 03-30-2007, 02:07 PM   #92
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??????????? gonna have to think about that one.
This is why I love this joke so much!
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Old 03-30-2007, 02:09 PM   #93
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I am laughing while a type

Two Hippos are in a bathtub, one says “pass the soap”

The other Says “What am I? A Typewriter?”
When I first heard that joke it was 2 penguins in a tub. A lot changes in 26 years.
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Old 03-30-2007, 02:12 PM   #94
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This is why I love this joke so much!
umm does your typo at the beginning have anything to do with it? not getting it. hehe
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Old 03-30-2007, 02:18 PM   #95
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Two cows stand in a field.

One cow says to the other "I am really worried about catching mad cow disease!"

The other replies "Why? We're helicopters!"
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Old 03-30-2007, 02:26 PM   #96
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Why don't you drink red wine with fish?

They get drunk and abusive.
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Old 03-30-2007, 02:36 PM   #97
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A priest, a rabbi, and a mullah, all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and then says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"

~Bug
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Old 03-30-2007, 03:32 PM   #98
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Two cows are standing in a pasture.

One Cow says Mooooooooo.

The other asks 'Why do you keep saying that?'
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Old 03-30-2007, 03:38 PM   #99
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So this guy walks into a bar....







Ouch.
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:36 PM   #100
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheese View Post
Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk!
Churchill: And you, Madam, are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober.


Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course...
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.
Would have thought you would have had the Churchill quote that went (I forget if the woman was anyone important) :

Woman: You sir are a drunken boorish brute, if you were my husband I'd put poison in your drink.
Churchill: If you were my wife madam, I'd drink it.
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