Calling all crotchety married people.

[THE SCUD]

Originally Posted by SeeBass

^^^that's the rule in my house too.

Respect, trust and freedom not much to ask. If you don't have this you are doing it wrong.

Being a swinger is a rule in your house too?

How do I get my wife in on this?

[MarchHare]

Originally Posted by THE SCUD

Sounds more like cohabitation than marriage, IMO.

How do you define the two?

Also, does the bolded part of your quote mean you're swingers?

LOL! No, I meant that only in the financial sense, specifically in response to this post from Dion:

I never married and my money is all mine. No arguments over how it should be spent and no one telling me I spent too much money on golf clubs and the game itself. Being single has it's advantage's.

I don't need to ask for my wife's permission to buy anything I want (and can afford), and she doesn't need my blessing to buy anything she wants. Shared mutual expenses are covered from a joint account, and we're both careful to live within our means. I can't imagine having a marriage like many of the men in this thread where fights about money are accepted as an inevitable norm or the wives "spend all my money". That seems like a recipe to cause resentment and marital strife.

[THE SCUD]

Originally Posted by MarchHare

I don't need to ask for my wife's permission to buy anything I want (and can afford), and she doesn't need my blessing to buy anything she wants. Shared mutual expenses are covered from a joint account, and we're both careful to live within our means. I can't imagine having a marriage like many of the men in this thread where fights about money are accepted as an inevitable norm or the wives "spend all my money". That seems like a recipe to cause resentment and marital strife.

I think you misunderstand the "wives spend all the money", as that phrase is incomplete...

It should read the wives spend all the money...After the husbands have bought what they want under teh guise of "the house/car/home theatre" needed this. Husband's wants become household needs

[Radio]

We have separate accounts, always have. I pay the mortgage (PIT) insurance and some annual stuff my wife pays household bills. Any money left over is yours to do with as you please. We also have an ING savings account for rainy days and vacations that we both contribute to every month. We also have separate savings accounts that we put money into for larger personal purchases. I use mine to pay for my seasons tickets every year.

It works for us.

[tvp2003]

Originally Posted by MarchHare

No, it's really not.

There's no reason joint finances need to be adversarial or cause marital problems. Using the method my wife and I setup, we enjoy all the benefits of being single (so long as it's within our means, each of us can buy whatever we want whenever we want no questions asked) plus the benefit of splitting all our bills and living expenses 50-50.

I have an issue with this reasoning -- and this isn't specifically directed at MarchHare but it's captured in his quote. The fact is that once you're married, you aren't single anymore. It's no longer two people living single lives but with rings on their fingers (I'm oversimplifying of course) but one family unit, and her finances are tied to yours and yours to hers. In a perfect world, you make the same income and split all the bills and life is easy. But what if she loses her job? Or what if you start earning more? Does not mean you get to live a better life with your extra discretionary income whereas she doesn't get to buy as much "cool stuff" once all the bills are paid? Not saying it can't work (and if it does, more power to you), but the whole "50-50 split mentality" would only seem to make sense if there are two incomes and both are very similar.

And that's just talking about money. What about time spent on chores? Is that 50-50? Once you have a kid, all bets are off -- no way child rearing is going to be split 50-50, and unless you remain a dual income family, the expenses won't be paid 50-50 either.

Again, not trying to attack those who do the whole "50-50 plus an allowance" system -- just looking to expand the discussion past the dual income no kids phase...

[tvp2003]

Originally Posted by MarchHare

I don't need to ask for my wife's permission to buy anything I want (and can afford), and she doesn't need my blessing to buy anything she wants. Shared mutual expenses are covered from a joint account, and we're both careful to live within our means. I can't imagine having a marriage like many of the men in this thread where fights about money are accepted as an inevitable norm or the wives "spend all my money". That seems like a recipe to cause resentment and marital strife.

My opinion: If I spend all my "allowance" money on garbage whereas my wife spends hers on things to make our life better (home furnishings, for example), I would (1) feel bad that I'm not contributing my share on something more worthwhile, and (2) probably start to annoy her by blowing all of "my" money on crap.

All couples are different, but I think by avoiding talking about money and purchases by just giving each person an allowance and letting them spend it on anything they want could lead to more problems than having an open dialogue from the start. Circumstances can and will change, and if you've never talked about it because you've been content spending your "allowance" money, that might not be a good thing!

And yes, my wife does most of the spending of "my" money. But I trust that she'll buy what we need and that we'll continue to live within our means because we both know what our situation allows us to do.

[Ashartus]

For those who keep separate accounts and split living expenses - how would you handle one of you going on maternity/parental leave or otherwise having little or no income for an extended period?

[MarchHare]

Originally Posted by tvp2003

I have an issue with this reasoning -- and this isn't specifically directed at MarchHare but it's captured in his quote. The fact is that once you're married, you aren't single anymore. It's no longer two people living single lives but with rings on their fingers (I'm oversimplifying of course) but one family unit, and her finances are tied to yours and yours to hers. In a perfect world, you make the same income and split all the bills and life is easy. But what if she loses her job? Or what if you start earning more? Does not mean you get to live a better life with your extra discretionary income whereas she doesn't get to buy as much "cool stuff" once all the bills are paid? Not saying it can't work (and if it does, more power to you), but the whole "50-50 split mentality" would only seem to make sense if there are two incomes and both are very similar.

Funny thing: in 2009, I lost my job and my wife got a raise, exactly the situation you described in the bolded section but in reverse. Thankfully I was only out of work for a few months and found a new job (higher-paying, no less) while still receiving severance pay (I also had several thousand dollars saved in a "rainy day" account), but if I had been unemployed for an extended period, we had discussed that my wife would temporarily take on an additional financial burden and pay for some or all of my share of the household expenses until I found a new job. Naturally, I'd do the same for her if the situation was reversed.

To your second point, our salaries are pretty similar (she makes a few thousand per year more than me), so we agreed to split all shared costs 50-50; if there was a larger discrepancy (say one of us was making $75k and the other $50k), we'd likely divide up shared household expenses as a percentage of income (i.e. the person making $75k would pay for 60% of joint expenses and the person making $50k would pay for 40%).

Again, not trying to attack those who do the whole "50-50 plus an allowance" system -- just looking to expand the discussion past the dual income no kids phase...

Well, my wife and I have decided that we're never going to leave the dual income no kids phase, so that will never be an issue for us. I can see how the system could break down once children enter the picture, though, especially if one spouse leaves the workforce for a significant length of time.

Also, we've never really thought of our personal money as an "allowance". I think there's three primary ways you can handle finances in a marriage:

1) Payroll is deposited into a joint account, all purchases (both individual and shared) are made from this account
2) Payroll is deposited into a joint account, each spouse receives an "allowance" transfer into a private account for personal expenses
3) Payroll is deposited into personal accounts, each spouse transfers a budgeted amount into a joint account for shared expenses

We've chosen to use method 3), and it's worked extremely well for us. For other families, though, particularly if there are children or a large difference between each spouse's income, one of the other methods might work better.

[MarchHare]

My opinion: If I spend all my "allowance" money on garbage whereas my wife spends hers on things to make our life better (home furnishings, for example), I would (1) feel bad that I'm not contributing my share on something more worthwhile, and (2) probably start to annoy her by blowing all of "my" money on crap.

All couples are different, but I think by avoiding talking about money and purchases by just giving each person an allowance and letting them spend it on anything they want could lead to more problems than having an open dialogue from the start. Circumstances can and will change, and if you've never talked about it because you've been content spending your "allowance" money, that might not be a good thing!

Sure, but we don't handle our money that way. For all major purchases that benefit us both equally (e.g. furniture, appliances, vacations, etc.), we discuss it first and then split the cost 50-50. For major or minor purchases that are primarily for one of us (e.g. I bought an iPad a few months ago), we pay for it solely from our personal accounts.

We don't avoid talking about money either -- far from it! We keep a spreadsheet of our household budget and review it every few months. This way we ensure that each partner in the marriage is contributing equally to shared household costs. Because we know we're both covering our fair share of family expenses, we don't have to ask for the other's permission nor do we feel guilty if we want to spend money on something we can't justify as a beneficial household purchase (e.g. my iPad from above).

I also suspect that many couples who simply pool all their money into a single joint account do the same thing only informally. Does this sound familiar to anyone? "You spent $1000 on a new set of golf clubs last month, so I get to spend $1000 on new clothes this month."

[flambers]

Originally Posted by MarchHare

Sure, but we don't handle our money that way. For all major purchases that benefit us both equally (e.g. furniture, appliances, vacations, etc.), we discuss it first and then split the cost 50-50. For major or minor purchases that are primarily for one of us (e.g. I bought an iPad a few months ago), we pay for it solely from our personal accounts.

We don't avoid talking about money either -- far from it! We keep a spreadsheet of our household budget and review it every few months. This way we ensure that each partner in the marriage is contributing equally to shared household costs. Because we know we're both covering our fair share of family expenses, we don't have to ask for the other's permission nor do we feel guilty if we want to spend money on something we can't justify as a beneficial household purchase (e.g. my iPad from above).

I also suspect that many couples who simply pool all their money into a single joint account do the same thing only informally. Does this sound familiar to anyone? "You spent $1000 on a new set of golf clubs last month, so I get to spend $1000 on new clothes this month."

How does it work if one spouse earns more than the other? I assume 50-50 would not make sense.....

When you have kids, if one spouse decides to work part time (for the benefit of the children) how does the separate accounts work?

Etc....

[Byrns]

We have a joint account and joint credit cards. For us everything works better when it's out in the open. I have friends who sneak purchases home, and I don't find that healthy. (especially when he gets caught!)

[MarchHare]

How does it work if one spouse earns more than the other? I assume 50-50 would not make sense.....

I already answered that above. If we had a significant salary gap, we'd instead split shared expenses on the basis of percentage household income (e.g. person who makes 60% of the money pays for 60% of the bills).

When you have kids, if one spouse decides to work part time (for the benefit of the children) how does the separate accounts work?

We're not having children, so that's a situation we'll never encounter. As I said above, different methods to manage household finances may work better for different families. In our situation (relatively equal salaries, no children), our method works perfectly. We've never had a fight about money, and we can both buy whatever we want whenever we want so long as it's within our ability to pay for it.

[Pacem]

Not sure why the 50/50 with seperate accounts or an allowence are getting such a bad rap. I don't think it matters how you do your finances, just so long as you find a way that works for both of you.

My wife and I have 2 other "couples" that are our friends. Both are married. One couple has a completely shared account. The other couple is completely seperate finances. Both of them have their financial issues within their relationships. We do as well, but over the last year since we've gotten ahead and laid done some expectations and such our issues are nearly non existant.

Out of the 3 couples my wife and I make the least amount of money. We are however, the most financially stable of the bunch. We are the only one to own our own house, and carry zero debt outside of our mortgage.

Originally Posted by Ashartus

For those who keep separate accounts and split living expenses - how would you handle one of you going on maternity/parental leave or otherwise having little or no income for an extended period?

We already have a plan in place. We realistically cannot survive on just one income. We could but we'd literally have no entertainment money. Gotta have some fun, right? So our plan is that my wife would use up all of her mat leave time and then pick up a part time job. We don't want our children in daycare at such a young age. She'd work as a waitress 2 - 3 times a week in the evening. She's done it before, she's a social butterfly and likes doing it. I come home she goes to work. I get quality alone time with our child, and she goes out and gets to contribute to the family income and gets some time out of the house. Win Win. Don't worry that wont be her only away time from the house. I'm not a savage!

Currently we both make the same amount of money. Obviously our income levels would be different once she is on mat leave and then later working part time. So we've decided that at that time we'll have all our money pool into the joint account and keep an open dialogue about purchases. She says she realizes that when this happens she wont be able to splurge on clothing. I'll have to buy less toys and I also realize that my trips to the casino would be all but done with. I don't gamble huge money but currently I like to go out with the boys about twice a month with $80 - $100 to burn.

Early on in our relationship we were not nearly as organized. She was finishing up her post secondary courses for her career and I was already at the job I have today. So I was making more money at that time and I just kind of paid for more stuff. I paid for most of the gas and groceries and our nights out. She'd chip in every once in awhile when she could, but it wasn't frequent and it didn't bother me to pay more. When she finally got a decent paying job that is when we had to go to the 50/50 seperate money method. She continued to let me pay for most of the gas, groceries and entertainment while she enjoyed nice shopping sprees. I felt jaded so we had to come up with a solution that worked for us.