Doing your own thing, when you have a family

[PYroMaNiaC]

Originally Posted by stang

FTR I work shift work (7 on 7 off 12 hours days 6-6)

So I make decent coin, and I am home more then half the year. I stay at home with our 2 year old on my days off, and she has a mon-friday job that she loves.

I pull my share of the housework (laundry, cooking, cleaning) as I am home more during the day. She does her share too, because when I am on shift she does the cooking as she gets home first.

I bathe, and put our daughter to sleep when I am home too. I always put my family first, and give up lots of stuff (I feel anyways) for them and I dont mind at all. (as I am sure she does to)

And to whoever said I am out in a bar drinking. NOT true. I am in a Garage with 2 other guys just playing instruments. I live out of town (about 10 minutes) so I always drive, so I never have more then 2 beers. (and usually only one)

My husband also works shifts while I also hold down a Mon. - Fri. job. That changes nothing. I think that what has gotten lost in my long and wordy posts is this:

Your wife is tired. You may be waking her up with your comings and goings. She works a lot - around the house, at her job, and on top of that, she's pregnant. Actually, I'd like to change this to - your wife is exhausted!

Your wife feels fat and unattractive. She's bogged down with child, her ankles are swollen, she can't reach her toes to paint them, her hair won't do a damn thing and she can't have it colored because that's not good for Stang. Jr.

Your wife needs you to give her some relax time, sleep time without worries. That's why I suggested the bath and the foot rub. It'll help unwind her and help her sleep better. That's why I suggested you get up with your daughter if she still wakes in the night. Don't roll over until your wife gives you an elbow in the side. Leap up and comfort your daughter before she wakes mom.

Your wife needs to feel beautiful. Even the most confident women in the world have moments or even days when they look in the mirror and sigh. But your wife is pregnant which compounds the issue and she's not going to see herself through your eyes unless you make her. Isn't really that difficult to show her how precious she is to you, how beautiful you find her swollen belly and how cute her toes are and how gorgeous her hair feels? She's your wife. She's marvelous to you. Have a slow dance in the living room.

[stang]

Originally Posted by longsuffering

I don't think its the booze that really bothers her. It's insecurity I'll bet.

She's pregnant with kid number 2 and her loving hubby is in a bar 2 nights a week.

Even though it is totally innocent, given her hormone levels and her (probable) insecurity with her body image, etc. etc., she thinks of all the things that can go 'wrong' in the bar. It begins, but doesn't end, with drinking. She hasn't said anything about the girls in these bars?

Try and be supportive. Things will probably get worse before they get better, and you may want to think about offering to give up one night (temporarily), but if you can show her that she (and your child/children) are your number one priority, I think she might come around.

Good luck

Totally NOT in a bar or around any girls...

Originally Posted by PYroMaNiaC

My husband also works shifts while I also hold down a Mon. - Fri. job. That changes nothing. I think that what has gotten lost in my long and wordy posts is this:

Your wife is tired. You may be waking her up with your comings and goings. She works a lot - around the house, at her job, and on top of that, she's pregnant. Actually, I'd like to change this to - your wife is exhausted!

Your wife feels fat and unattractive. She's bogged down with child, her ankles are swollen, she can't reach her toes to paint them, her hair won't do a damn thing and she can't have it colored because that's not good for Stang. Jr.

Your wife needs you to give her some relax time, sleep time without worries. That's why I suggested the bath and the foot rub. It'll help unwind her and help her sleep better. That's why I suggested you get up with your daughter if she still wakes in the night. Don't roll over until your wife gives you an elbow in the side. Leap up and comfort your daughter before she wakes mom.

Your wife needs to feel beautiful. Even the most confident women in the world have moments or even days when they look in the mirror and sigh. But your wife is pregnant which compounds the issue and she's not going to see herself through your eyes unless you make her. Isn't really that difficult to show her how precious she is to you, how beautiful you find her swollen belly and how cute her toes are and how gorgeous her hair feels? She's your wife. She's marvelous to you. Have a slow dance in the living room.

I understand all that... and agree with you...

I was just saying that lots of the time she comes home, the house is clean, the laundry is done, and suppers made.

Then I help get our daughter ready for bed (bath and whatever else) and then when she is in bed, I want to sneak out for a couple hours. She then has time to do whatever... have a long bath.. watch Sex in the City... chat with her mom on the phone.

I am usually home by 11 except for one time it was 12. I usually grab a Timmies for her on my way home and leave it on the island for in the AM too.

[Rathji]

She is pregnant with a child to take care of, without knowing your situation, my first guess is she is feeling overwhelmed and you going out makes her feel abandoned to deal with the things she is dealing with. These feelings could be rational and based on the fact that you don't do as much as you could/should be doing or if you really are doing your fair share, her feelings might be more on the irrational side. Either way, her feelings are real to her and should not be discounted, especially if she is being irrational/hormonal because she is less equipped emotionally to deal with the situation.

Something to keep in mind, I saw a study in class yesterday that showed that men in relationships where both people work outside the home, typically do up to 30% less when taking care of the home and still think they are 'doing their share'.

[Shazam]

All I know is that I'm taking up golf lessons this summer to get the hell away from the family

[macker]

No marriage or relationship can be judged as truly successful unless you are each others best critics. Take the advice she is giving you and try to see things from her point of view. Your family comes first and having a family to avoid is pointless no matter what the boys tell you...Once the second child is born I don't know how sustainable the current schedule will be without over loading your wife to the point where she could make your life more difficult then it needs to be...Every stage of life offers many opportunites and sacrifices and I think you are doing what you are passionate about which is great, just try to balance things out and make sure that your wife is part of any decision you make.

[ma-skis.com]

are these jam sessions twice a week for 6-8 hours during your 7 on for 12 hours a day? I could see that being a problem. Those could be really tough weeks for her. Maybe save the nights out for your 7 off.

[jammies]

Originally Posted by PYroMaNiaC

To me, the whole situation actually computes to her spending every waking minute with child. She does running around, laundry, dishes, cleans toilets, entertains the little one, makes meals for you, shows concern for how your day went, makes sure your lunch is made for the next day, tries to work up the energy for sex, and still get 8 hours of sleep. She loves being a mom and a wife, but the 2 hours every night that you put in parenting, (while she does chores that can't be multi-tasked) is peanuts to the energy she puts out. And then you have the balls to ask for 2 evenings a week off? When does she get time off? (this starting to sound familiar, yet?)

Where does it say any of this in Stang's original post? You are ASSUMING all of this, there is jack all to indicate it from what he wrote. Where does this stuff happen, the 1950's?

My parents are in their 60s and my dad did his share and more around the house, your assumption that a guy naturally lets the woman do most of the work while he sits around is rather out of date and more than a little sexist.

Originally Posted by PYroMaNiaC

The reason you're not ever getting married is because you're thinking only of yourself. That'll never fly in a marriage as there are two people involved in one of these.

And who exactly is his wife thinking of when she insists he gives up his hobby for what seem to be petty and selfish reasons? Why is it ok for her to be selfish and not him?

Originally Posted by PYroMaNiaC

If she spends all her time trying to make his life comfortable with meals, cleanliness, offspring, sex, and he spends all his time sleeping, eating, sex and jamming, who is not the equal partner? Him, because she's trying, in her own inexperienced way, to ask for some of his attention?

Again with the assumptions - reread what you say here. He is "sleeping, eating, sex, and jamming" and she's "trying to make his life comfortable" - where did you get this from? Projection of your own situation?

Originally Posted by PYroMaNiaC

What she wants is to feel equally important as jammin'. That means 6-8 hours of his time dedicated to her. For her. She wants to know that she's special, loved, and beautiful. That he understands her, gets what she does in a day, appreciates all that she brings to his life.

Maybe she does and maybe she doesn't. It's plausible, but what's equally plausible is that he already does let her know she's special but it isn't enough, she doesn't want to be the special thing, she wants to be the ONLY thing.

[shane_c]

I didn't read through all the posts but maybe once the kids are gone to sleep she wants the two of you to spend some time together as a couple like how it was before they came into your lives and things got hectic???

[loob job]

Why don't you cut it down to one night a week?

[Cowperson]

Originally Posted by stang

Is it wrong for a (younger) guy to go out and Jam in a band 2 nights a week for 3-4 hours after his kids are gone to sleep (Moms at home.. lol not leaving then there by herself)

I go out 2 nights (usually Mon and Thurs) and Jam with a couple guys (A drummer, and a singer who I met for the sole purpose of jamming with) and have a beer (I am always driving so its not like I go out and get drunk)

I go out after 8pm (after our Daughter goes to bed) and am usually home by 11 or 12 at the latest.

I dont really do anything else, I mean we go out together, sometimes but I dont play hockey or snowboard anymore. I work, come home, eat, play with my daughter and then we go to bed.

Now today she just blows up on me saying "You're hanging out with friends and drinking, one night a week is enough for that"

So I bring up my Sister and her Fiancee (who have a kid the same age) and they both play Soccer a couple nights a week (not together) and my sister does a Tap class once a week on top of that, and he goes to the Gym every night. I said if I played beer league hockey it would be going out and drinking for longer.

She then says things like "I like how you justify your drinking and playing guitar by comparing it to something like soccer or hockey" and "At least Soccer is wellness"

Is there something I am missing? IS she being unreasonable? Am I?

Is 6-8 hours a week to myself too much?

Here's what the rest of your life looks like Bub . . .

http://www.theonion.com/content/news...urce=a-section

Cowperson (coming up on his 24th wedding anniversary)

[KevanGuy]

Originally Posted by PYroMaNiaC

If she spends all her time trying to make his life comfortable with meals, cleanliness, offspring, sex, and he spends all his time sleeping, eating, sex and jamming, who is not the equal partner? Him, because she's trying, in her own inexperienced way, to ask for some of his attention?

Wow. stang his indicated that really isn't a description of his situation but I just wanted to point out that you left WORK off the husband's To-Do List. The bills don't pay themselves.

[CrusaderPi]

Originally Posted by KevanGuy

Wow. stang his indicated that really isn't a description of his situation but I just wanted to point out that you left WORK off the husband's To-Do List. The bills don't pay themselves.

That's right. Love can be counted on to paid the bills.

[longsuffering]

Originally Posted by stang

Totally NOT in a bar or around any girls...

Sorry about assuming that.

[troutman]

Originally Posted by stang

I am the lefty...

Really cold in the garage? Touqes?

[stang]

No problem... but thats a big deal... I could totally see her point if I WAS just going out and sitting and drinking in a bar... and I wouldnt do that.

However I feel that she doesnt think playing guitar is much above that, and that bothers me. I am passionate about music (have played music as much as I can remember.. took up guitar at 9 and Trumpet at 11-12)

[stang]

Originally Posted by troutman

Really cold in the garage? Touqes?

Yup... Little space heater for warmth. Not to mention it was -30 out

[mikey_the_redneck]

Originally Posted by PYroMaNiaC

My husband also works shifts while I also hold down a Mon. - Fri. job. That changes nothing. I think that what has gotten lost in my long and wordy posts is this:

Your wife is tired. You may be waking her up with your comings and goings. She works a lot - around the house, at her job, and on top of that, she's pregnant. Actually, I'd like to change this to - your wife is exhausted!

Your wife feels fat and unattractive. She's bogged down with child, her ankles are swollen, she can't reach her toes to paint them, her hair won't do a damn thing and she can't have it colored because that's not good for Stang. Jr.

Your wife needs you to give her some relax time, sleep time without worries. That's why I suggested the bath and the foot rub. It'll help unwind her and help her sleep better. That's why I suggested you get up with your daughter if she still wakes in the night. Don't roll over until your wife gives you an elbow in the side. Leap up and comfort your daughter before she wakes mom.

Your wife needs to feel beautiful. Even the most confident women in the world have moments or even days when they look in the mirror and sigh. But your wife is pregnant which compounds the issue and she's not going to see herself through your eyes unless you make her. Isn't really that difficult to show her how precious she is to you, how beautiful you find her swollen belly and how cute her toes are and how gorgeous her hair feels? She's your wife. She's marvelous to you. Have a slow dance in the living room.

Holy lame! When are women going to realize life is NOT a romantic comedy.

[Shazam]

She's preggers. Her natural instinct is for her to want her protector (you) to be around in case something happens.

Seriously, stay home for now. You can go back to "jammin" once your next kid is 1.5 years old

[habernac]

Your significant other should understand that you do need time for yourself. But you also have to realize that the raging hormonal beast she will be for awhile is not always going to be thinking rationally. And you need to compromise in kind.

[driveway]

Since she's pregnant and can't drink, she may be jealous that you can. Maybe you should offer to give up everything that she has to give up for the duration of the pregnancy?

Also, if she's pregnant, two nights a week is WAYYYY too much for you to be spending away from home. One night every week, or every two weeks is probably a more realistic amount for you until the baby is sleeping through the night.