I Farted - How Embaressing.

[Dion]

It was back in junior high and i'm sitting at the back of the class. I let this one go that sounded like a machine gun going off. The whole class starts laughing and the teacher looks around to see who started it. I gave the kid sitting next to me a nudge and said nice one buddy! Poor kid gets hauled off to the principals office.

[4X4]

Originally Posted by Mike Oxlong

Back in High School I remember sitting in Bio shortly after lunch. Can't remember what I ate but it had some nasty effects on me. I am sitting there trying to hold in this massive fart to avoid certain embarrasment.

After fighting it and fighting it I realize that this is not a battle I am going to win. I am on the wooden chairs that are going to make this thing echo throughtout the entire class. So I very carefully lift a cheek to not raise any suspicion and by the grace of God I mange to release the gas silently and without consequnce.....or so I thought.

About 5 seconds after I let it go I think I am free and clear until the Bio teacher walks up the aisle that I happen to be sitting in. I watch his nose twitch and his eyes slightly tear up just before he blurts out: "That is disgusting! Who just farted down here? That is sickening!"

As the class bursts out in laughter I have to do my best uncomfortable fake laugh to try and pretend it wasn't me.

Jeez, you'd think a Bio teacher would cut you some slack.

[dissentowner]

I have a couple stories. When I was about 13 my bedroom was next to my parents. I was laying with my butt pressed against the wall that also connects to my parents room when I felt this huge massive fart building up. So I let er rip and it was so loud that besides making the wall vibrate enough to hurt my bum, my Flames clock fell off the wall and my dad who snores loud enough to wake the dead woke up and asked my mother if she heard that damn dog that was lying next to their bed. Another one was my best friend Rob and I were at his dad's, I was sleeping over and he had made chili for supper. When we went to bed it was like an orchestra of noxious nasty paint peeling gas bombs! We cranked open the window but we were still gaggin so we left and went to Tim Horton's which was a good hour walk. So 3 hours later we come back and it still was toxic in there! Like it smelled like someone had boiled eggs dry, was brutal.

[Traditional_Ale]

Originally Posted by Buff

This one time, in grade 9 math class... it was one of the most humiliating experiences of my grade school life. The class was silent. I think we were working on problems from the book. Well, I was working on my own problems. I had a fart that I was getting ready to slowly release, but I also had to sneeze. Uh-oh. Can I silently get the fart out before I sneeze? Can I hold the sneeze back a few more seconds?

Oh no! A-a-... hold that sneeze... a-a-... too late, hold that fart! a-a-chooRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIPPP!

I sneezed, and the fart followed with the most force that I ever used to push out a fart. Of course I was trying to hold the fart back. The loudest fart you have ever heard eminated through the classroom out through the hallways and could be heard in nearby classrooms. Then there was a moment of silence before laughter erupted equally as loud as my fart. Everybody was laughing. Even the teacher. A teacher from the next classroom came to our class, laughing, checking to make sure everybody was ok (and probably to find out who she was laughing at).

Of course you could tell right away who let it out because my face was redder than a Flames jersey and I was the only one not laughing. There were people walking by in the hallway at that moment too, and they were laughing. All I could say was "I.. I... I sneezed." Yeah sure, some sneeze buddy.

It took me a while to live that one down. Thankfully there was only a month or two left of school and we would be going to a new school the next year, but the next few weeks were hellish.

I have never LOL'd so loud in my life!

[bigtmac19]

This thread is priceless, I don't know how I missed it the first time around, or maybe I already forgot.

Everyone else has gone from work, so I can laugh out loud.

[bradster57]

First a poop thread, now a fart thread. A truly great day on CP!

[The Fonz]

edit

[Urban Explorer]

My best fart story happened during good old gym class. Something had been brewing in my stomach all day and I knew this couldn’t be good. Gym was last period of the day and I knew that we were going to be outside so I decided to just sweat it out and wait till then. I was excited to finally run out on the field and begin slowly and secretly freeing my toxic brew into the world around me. I was doing a good job of controlling the release until the soccer ball came skidding past me and for some odd reason I decided to slide and knock the ball away from the opposing team. As my slide came to an end, I looked up and I had come to a stop right in front of the girl who I had a huge crush on at the time. To my embarrassment and the amusement of everyone around us, I pushed of the ground inches from her foot, the pressure pushed out a double cheek thunder flapper that echoed across the field. The girl looked down at me disgusted and all she said was “Nice.”

The greatest thing about farts is when someone exclaims “That fart smells disgusting,” and everyone in the area takes a whiff. Why? Because everyone loves a fart even if they won’t admit it.

[Tron_fdc]

I let em rip all the time when taking a leak at urinals....especially at bars. I've had a few people get offended, but WTF, should I do it in the bar when everyone is around? I also like smoking areas for this reason; it's like a free pass to sh*t your pants and no one knows about it.

Oh, and word to the wise. I've been eating fruit and drinking cranberry juice all day, and holy moly are my guts ever turning. I mean yeah, it's fun and all letting these gigantic tear ass farts go off in my office, but it must smell like toxic baby diapers around my cubicle. So don't combine those things if you want to keep your sphincter intact.

Oh, and if you fart lots stay away from one piece coveralls. They're like a home made fart locker, and the smell always goes up through the collar (straight to your mouth and nose area). So unless you love your own scent I'd steer clear of stuff like that.

[flylock shox]

Originally Posted by Buff

This one time, in grade 9 math class... it was one of the most humiliating experiences of my grade school life. The class was silent. I think we were working on problems from the book. Well, I was working on my own problems. I had a fart that I was getting ready to slowly release, but I also had to sneeze. Uh-oh. Can I silently get the fart out before I sneeze? Can I hold the sneeze back a few more seconds?

Oh no! A-a-... hold that sneeze... a-a-... too late, hold that fart! a-a-chooRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIPPP!

I sneezed, and the fart followed with the most force that I ever used to push out a fart. Of course I was trying to hold the fart back. The loudest fart you have ever heard eminated through the classroom out through the hallways and could be heard in nearby classrooms. Then there was a moment of silence before laughter erupted equally as loud as my fart. Everybody was laughing. Even the teacher. A teacher from the next classroom came to our class, laughing, checking to make sure everybody was ok (and probably to find out who she was laughing at).

Of course you could tell right away who let it out because my face was redder than a Flames jersey and I was the only one not laughing. There were people walking by in the hallway at that moment too, and they were laughing. All I could say was "I.. I... I sneezed." Yeah sure, some sneeze buddy.

It took me a while to live that one down. Thankfully there was only a month or two left of school and we would be going to a new school the next year, but the next few weeks were hellish.

That's the funniest thing I've ever read on this site.

[FlamingLonghorn]

http://www.break.com/index/how-to-escape-a-fart.html

[Ford Prefect]

Fart humour is so easy there should be a law against it. I once had a basement full of my kids' friends rolling around on the floor in stitches when they were around 8 just by saying "arse fart" in various strange voices. Once in a while I throw in a "sphincter" just for variation.

When I was a kid I used to camp a lot with my friends ... just head out in the hills and pitch a tent. We'd always bring along many cans of beans and eat beans until we couldn't shovel anymore in. Then we'd play Fart Football ... 3 points for a medium length fart, 6 points for a long fart, and if you could follow the long TD fart with a short fart, that counted as a 1 point convert. The air in our tent could have peeled paint and wilted oaks. 200 and 300 point games were not unheard of.

[dissentowner]

My friend told me a nice one today. He was taking an exam in the gymnasium and they had all these chairs all lined up in rows. Anyhow, my friend felt a real burner coming on and he let a SBD go and immediately this awful stench rised up and he was trying not to laugh. Suddenly the girl in front of him said "Oh my god!" and puked on her exam paper!
The teacher came over and after smelling the situation asked if the person who stunk up the gymnasium would like to go wipe now.

[dissentowner]

http://www.heptune.com/farts.html

[CaptainCrunch]

I hate it when your walking down the Stephen Avenue mall, and your churning up a monster fart, so you look around and your safe and you hammer out a massive 10 part harmony just as two hot girls walk out of the Starbucks that your walking by.

Guess I'm not getting phone numbers from them.

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by Mike Oxlong

Back in High School I remember sitting in Bio shortly after lunch. Can't remember what I ate but it had some nasty effects on me. I am sitting there trying to hold in this massive fart to avoid certain embarrasment.

After fighting it and fighting it I realize that this is not a battle I am going to win. I am on the wooden chairs that are going to make this thing echo throughtout the entire class. So I very carefully lift a cheek to not raise any suspicion and by the grace of God I mange to release the gas silently and without consequnce.....or so I thought.

About 5 seconds after I let it go I think I am free and clear until the Bio teacher walks up the aisle that I happen to be sitting in. I watch his nose twitch and his eyes slightly tear up just before he blurts out: "That is disgusting! Who just farted down here? That is sickening!"

As the class bursts out in laughter I have to do my best uncomfortable fake laugh to try and pretend it wasn't me.

With all due respect sir, he who smelt it dealt it. Its the universal law, right up with thermodynamics.

[Crispy's Critter]

my best fart story happened a few years ago when I was getting serious with my gf at the time. We were at that stage where we had just started sharing a bed, and were contemplating moving in together, and she liked to sleep very close to me, or 'spoon' sometimes. Well this one particular night it was hotter than the hubs of hell, and she insisted on spooning, which made the unbearable heat even worse. I asked her to leave me alone a few times, asking very sweetly, telling her how normally I love being that close, but that being that it was so hot could she just not do it for that night. She thought I was just being 'cute' or whatever, and would just giggle and snuggle closer. All of a sudden I feel this pressure building inside, which gave me a wicked idea. I said "if you don't back off a bit I'm going to fart on you." Again she thought I was being cute, and told me to "go ahead" while simultaneously hugging me as tight as she could. So I let the pressure build a bit more, then forced it out with every ounce of strength I could muster. It came out with a kind of *WHOMP* sound, like a concussion charge. She screamed and jumped up as fast as she could, while yelling "I FELT IT ON MY LEG!!! FRIGGIN' GROSS!!!" My response was to roll over facing away from her and say "told you", yawn loudly, and settle in for a nice sleep.

[CaptainCrunch]

Awesome, 5 pages til we got the first dutch oven story.

the only thing that you missed was describing the sheets fluttering like a flag.

[Crispy's Critter]

wasn't any sheets, as I mentioned it was unbearably hot that night. really wasn't much in the way of clothing for protection in case of something going horribly wrong either

[Flamesguy_SJ]

My best story happened when I was in grade 11. I was doing a really early morning matinee for the play I was in (call was for 7:30, curtain at 9) and we had had a show the previous night, so I hadn't really had time to eat very healthy -- I basically lived off of Rotten Ronnie's that week. So, I'm out on stage alone with the girl playing my love interest (Belle & The Beast), and it's one of the more serious scenes in the play, and I turn to her and deliver my line, and as she's replying i let out what I thought was going to be a SBD, but what turned out to be a minute-long growl emenating from my ass. She almost flubbed the line, and after that scene someone backstage jokingly asked "where'd that extra Beast growl come from?"