Life Question

[PepsiFree]

Originally Posted by rotten42

I don't really agree. If someone has had a negative impact on my life I have no problem walking away from them and not looking bask. I can think of two people specifically that I thought were good friends but turned out not to be. They caused a lot of grief so I made the decision just to move on. No looking back...no wondering if I made the right decision...no second thought.

It is just something I will do. Remove the negative people from my life and concentrate on the positive people. Forgiveness has nothing to do with it.

There’s nothing wrong with simply removing negative people from your life. Forgiveness is not for them, it’s for you.

I don’t view what you describe as truly moving on, not when you still hold negative feelings towards them and still bring up the grief they caused you. But to each their own.

I think people think forgiveness is all about giving something to the other person. It is partially that, but (not to sound sentimental) it’s also very much about giving something to yourself. Even if the OP doesn this reach out, it’s important to forgive his dying ex-friend before he passes for him, not for his friend.

[mrkajz44]

Originally Posted by Cube Inmate

Cancer diagnosis for someone close to you inevitably leads one to say "life's too short to...<blank>." I would know...I have exactly the same thing going on now, with a friend in his late 30s.

Those who are saying "don't hold a grudge" -- this doesn't sound like a grudge. It sounds like a lesson learned, and the OP moving on.

Life's too short to waste your time on unworthy people. Every moment you waste thinking about someone who discarded you, is a moment you can't spend being a better friend / husband / dad / son / community member / etc. to those people who have actually chosen to be a part of your life.

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You go through all the pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast
Oh yeah
And they're gone so fast, yeah
Oh
So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
And when you get old and start losing your hair
Can you tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care?
Oh care

[CaptainCrunch]

Surprised that nobody suggested



Ask yourself the question about why he burned the friendship and let it remain burned for so many years, and then comes back now.

Does he feel guilty?

Does he want you to absolve him of his sins?

Is he doing this so you won't feel guilty when he goes?

Is he doing this because he wants you to feel guilty after he goes?

He's not your friend, he hasn't been in a long time. Send him a nice note, wish him well and move on. Him getting cancer is not your fault. If he missed your friendship so damn much over the last what 15 years, he would have done this a heck of a lot sooner, but he waited until mortality hit him in the face. He didn't care about you or your friendship and that's why he was willing to burn it over money.

So don't feel guilty when he goes, he wasn't your friend anymore, and you have nothing to do with his current mental or physical state.

[rotten42]

Originally Posted by PepsiFree

I don’t view what you describe as truly moving on, not when you still hold negative feelings towards them and still bring up the grief they caused you. .

See...and that is where you are making a mistake. I don't harbour negatives feelings towards these people. I don't bring them up at all except because of this conversation. If anything I feel good in the fact that I choose to distance myself from people that weren't good for me. They go on to live their life. I go on and live mine.

IDK...maybe it goes back to a deeper meaning for people. Are you (rhetorically) the type of person that second guesses your decisions in life. Or are you the type of person that learns from things and moves forward.

If you could go back in life and change anything would you?

I tend to think that I wouldn't. I've made a lot of mistakes in life but I do think I've tried to learn from them and not hold on to them.

[rotten42]

Originally Posted by mrkajz44

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You go through all the pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast
Oh yeah
And they're gone so fast, yeah
Oh
So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
And when you get old and start losing your hair
Can you tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care?
Oh care

Really Hanson lyrics? I'm picturing you as a 13 year old girl right now.

"Every memory of lookin' out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it
Time to say it
Good bye, good bye"


hahaha

[Radio]

I am with the Captain. I get accused of having a cold heart by wife all the time because I can just turn away from a bad relationship with no remorse. She has a warm heart and easily forgives and forgets...then she gets burned over and over by the same people.

This just my opinion, but I wouldn't bother.

[BlackArcher101]

Everyone saying he's holding a grudge and should contact him for his own sanity...

Not everyone holds a grudge. It may seem callous to some, but friendships don't last forever and there is nothing saying you have to do something in the future should they have regrets. It's quite possible that there is no grudge and OP has moved on forgetting about the friend and should friend die, not feel remorse about not rekindling the friendship.

[flamesfever]

When we get old, the things that give our life meaning are the things we have done to help others. These tend to offset our regrets.

I think by not offering your friendship and support at this time, it may become one of your regrets.

[octothorp]

Jeez, that's a tough situation. I'd look at it this way: the guy is dying. It sucks for him. If he's got a family, it sucks for them. If he doesn't have a family, it probably sucks even more for him. You don't need to be friends with someone, or even forgive them, to give them some comfort.

I'd offer to talk, if they want to talk (and then I'd admittedly hope that they don't take me up on that offer). And I'd also accept that I may hate that conversation and I probably won't hear what I want to hear. It may just be a really crappy experience. But I'd also accept that this isn't about me, it's about trying to give him some comfort if I can, but doing so honestly. If I feel better about him or about myself afterwards, that's a bonus, but I wouldn't go into it with that expectation. I'd focus on making sure he's getting the emotional support he needs (and again, I'd really hope that he has others in his life that are providing that).

It's a tough situation, and I don't think there's a morally right answer; but I do think that having a moral code or a set or moral guiding principles and working through that is the way to make this sort of decision (sometimes, such an approach leads you to a choice that is not the one you want to make).

[CaptainCrunch]

Let me put it this way.

I had a close family member that a couple of years ago accused me of something that simply wasn't true. When I tried to explain it to her, she dismissed everything that I was saying and continued on her "Theory" that I was in the complete wrong about it, that I was lying and being duplicitous.

So I haven't talked to her in over two years, and I'm not going to. If she wants to make amends its all on her.

I have a lot of anger (duh), I've had it for a long time, and it something that I've been working on for a long time.

But in all the counseling sessions that I've taken the common message is that sometimes you shouldn't put yourself in a position that will do you harm. Forgiving someone just for the act of forgiving to make them feel better, really doesn't do much for you except cause you a sense of self resentment because you did it for the wrong reasons. "Hey I know you wronged me completely and utterly, and made me feel like total poop, but that's ok because I forgive you even though your not sorry about hurting me or causing me damage".

I know I caused some hard feelings in my family, and I know that my parents are a bit hurt by the splitting away from that family member by me. For example she recently came to town, and I refused to go and visit or say hi or talk to her. My parents wanted to set up a breakfast on a neutral site, and I refused to go unless she was going to apologize for basically calling me a liar and a dirt bag.

Do I regret that the last thing that I said to her was "This is your opinion, you won't listen to what I have to say, you're completely wrong, so frankly don't talk to me". Sure, but at the same time, I'm not going back to her and saying "Geez lets be family again even though you basically hurt me and crushed me and make me feel like complete shyte, and basically dragged my name through the dirt".

I'm not that forgiving.

I still send her kids X-mas gifts, who knows if they get them. But all she has to do is pick up the phone and make the first step to reconcile, and since she's not doing that, I don't need it in my life.

This friend of the OP, wants absolution without confession in my mind, he's doing it for selfish reasons, and threatening to make the OP feel shytty about himself so he can feel better about himself.

Again there's no reason to be a jerk about it, send him a nice note, wish him luck but again they're not friends, they haven't been friends for more then a decade.

[stang]

Reply back and ask him who will be in charge of his estate so you can contact them about getting your $7000.

He made his bed and he has to lay in it.

[GordonBlue]

Originally Posted by flamesfever

When we get old, the things that give our life meaning are the things we have done to help others. These tend to offset our regrets.

I think by not offering your friendship and support at this time, it may become one of your regrets.

disagree.
faking a friendship for someone from your distant past because you might regret not doing so after 15+ years of no contact?
offer kind words, don't mention the debt and carry on.

being the guys buddy now would be one of those things someone does so they can later brag about how noble and awesome they are.

OP. only reconnect if you really miss him, have thought about him often in a positive way over the last 15 years and really want to be friends again, if only for a short time.

don't do so out of pity or because others would regret not doing it. you're not anyone else here. his burden shouldn't be yours.

[edslunch]

Tell him you are genuinely sorry for his illness and you hope for the best for him. Also tell him that you’re not sure you can offer more than that based on what happened in the past. Sign off politely, now is not the time to light into him. The ball is now in his court - if he wants to own up and try to make amends to the relationship he can take the next step.

[topfiverecords]

Originally Posted by Oling_Roachinen

Honestly, you sound like a ######.

Trying to justify not having to pay something back because it's a luxury item? The mere fact that you're willing to state that if you owed someone money, you could easily get to the point of telling them to screw off instead of paying them back because they somehow didn't live up to your standard of reasonable? That's not how life works, and the reason they had to go court in the first place. If a "friend" of mine owed me money and decided not to pay back because he didn't like my attitude, not only is friendship over but he's getting a fat lip. I would hope any friend of mine would also beat the #### out of me if I decided not to pay them back. Especially when we're talking about $7,000 here.

Under the assumption that the friend was in the complete wrong when it came to breaking the sea-doo, he had the opportunity to not only take responsible but keep the friendship intact and didn't.

With that said, I don't think it would hurt to reach out and express your feelings towards your friend. At worst you don't like the response and can walk away in the same position you are now, but the upside is you get back a friend or maybe even some money.

Ha! And I'm the ######?

[Minnie]

My dad never apologized for his ####astic behaviour and the abuse he leveled at me/my siblings, until he was dying of cancer. We had a long talk and he asked forgiveness and I gave it to him - I'd still tell you what he did was awful and abusive and how much of a total bastard he was when he was beating on us and leveling major verbal abuse at us. Different story, I think, when it's a parent or maybe even sibling, than a friend, but even then, I don't think even a parent or sibling deserves anything from me, if they're still turds.

I'm not a huge believer in the whole forgiveness angle. I think it gets used too often to batter people back into something that isn't good for them. There are people who were once in my life whom I'll never forgive. This does not weigh on me in the slightest and if they turned up in this same sort of situation, it would be quite easy to ignore the message completely or simply reply with "Sorry to hear that. I wish you luck in your battle" but offer nothing else, and move on/continue on with my life as I'd lived it the past 15 years.

Sometimes, it's just fine to keep the ties cut, or snip through that little bit still hanging between. 15 years and then suddenly he wants to be buds again because he's dying? As the OP said, had he not gotten cancer, it's most likely he'd not have heard from him. That's not extending friendship - that's a guilt trip, him trying to assuage his own guilt for how he effed the OP over. No thanks.

[afc wimbledon]

life isn't about what other people do, its about what you do, if you can allow him to lay the episode to rest before he dies you do it for your own soul's sake, assuming he doesn't want to borrow your seedoo for one last ride.

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by hayduke's dad

I am in a no win situation. Don't reply I am an #######, reply telling him we aren't friends I am an #######.

Your former friend is attempting to hold you hostage using his cancer as the gun he points at you. Personally, I'd pass on my condolences on his diagnosis but I'm not sure I'd be willing to emotionally exhaust myself so a former friend could feel better about themselves over a crappy thing that they did.

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by topfiverecords

Ha! And I'm the ######?

Yes, that's what we're telling you.

[T-Dog]

You'll have to be the one that decides what the best course of action is. You know the personalities and the background the best. Obviously it weighs on you because you are seeking advice. He did act like an irresponsible dick and didn't value your friendship. However, if it was me I might be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt far enough that I'd respond to him. I can only imagine what living with a cancer diagnosis is like, but if it was me I would probably want to set things right with an old friend that I screwed over. Maybe that isn't what his plan is, but if you agree to go out for a drink with him that doesn't mean that you are agreeing to be best friends again. How would you feel if died and his widow later told you that he really wanted to set things right with you and you didn't even respond to him? If you meet him for a beer and he doesn't even bring up his screw up or tells you that you were in the wrong, well then you've confirmed that he is a dick and I'd put in a claim against his estate for judgement on the amount owed and not feel guilty about doing it in the least.

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by afc wimbledon

life isn't about what other people do, its about what you do, if you can allow him to lay the episode to rest before he dies you do it for your own soul's sake, assuming he doesn't want to borrow your seedoo for one last ride.

Only one person can lay this episode to rest, and that's the guy that owes OP $7k.