Loneliness

[afc wimbledon]

Originally Posted by Deegee

I've never felt so lonely in my life before.

Wife and I are now separated and the weekends without my son are brutal (like this one).

The rest of the time I am volunteering to kill some time which is itself rewarding, but overall it's not a great life right now because at the end of the day I come home and am still alone. I feel like the only people I know were either my wife's friends or are coworkers. All my coworkers are all females and are married so asking to do something with them seems awkward.

Learning how to live alone again sucks.

I can remember sitting in the truck outside my old house after dropping my daughter off and just crying for a half hour before I could get my #### together to drive, I found it better to pick my daughter up from school then drop her off next day at school, made it seem way more normal.

[afc wimbledon]

I would suggest some off you might enjoy joining a fraternal club, masons elks etc, myself I'm an odd fellow, they have the advantage of being less focused than volunteering, you meet twice a month or so, usually you have dinner before, they are literally supposed to be to make friends (well that and the whole secret control of the world part).

[Itse]

As someone going through a divorce I found an alternate view to this. (Not intentionally, just came to me.)

I felt that not knowing what to do without the wife and kid around was a sign that there was something wrong with how I had been going about my life. And that it's a good thing that I now have to figure out what I want.

I've found it a healthy line of thinking. Goes back to starting new hobbies etc. Actively finding something to do has been a good thing for me.

I for example started hosting couchsurfers, now that I have an extra room every other week. Works very well for someone who likes meeting people at my own pace.

(Not that I've been completely succesful with it, as I've filled some of that time with too-easy solutions like gaming. Which I don't find satisfying.)

[DoubleF]

This is something I've noted for a while now due to my interest in sociology in school. I've spent the last approximate 3-4 years meeting new professionals coming to Calgary for work. What I've found is that it's not about asking them to join clubs randomly and throw themselves into social situations. Calgarians (native or went to school here) are somewhat cliquey. We set up situations where we have our own groups or have habits where we shoot home after work. Even social drinking doesn't go far because topically, many newcomers can't relate to it. I've found that many of these newcomers end up banding together, but in the end, it's still not the type of interactions these individuals desire. Furthermore, a huge common denominator I've noticed is that many of them feel that interacting involves being a "bother" to others.

I've spent a lot of time pondering the topic and finally discovered something called the hedgehog's dilemma (also known as the porcupine's dilemma). You desire the warmth of others, but cannot due to the quills causing injury to each other. You can toss someone in a room with a million other people, but for as long as they feel their proximity to others bring the quills closer to both parties, it's not going to work. I've wondered if this is a consequence of an idea I consider "friends due to convenience". How in post secondary, you could easily have anyone and everyone as a friend because they were close, went to the same classes etc. But once you start working, it's hard to make a handful of new friends. Acquaintances are easy to make, but friends? Not so much.

I haven't sorted out how to help many of these individuals yet. I'm still trying to figure it out. Offering an excuse to get out of their homes for a drink or dinners isn't always even considered half helpful. Offering help for basic things such as shopping, coat shopping or even furniture shopping/delivery which to newcomers without a car is a huge help, and probably gets maybe to half helpful. I find board game nights aren't perhaps as meaningful as they could be because they focus too much on the game rather than truly chatting with each other. I find dinners sorta work, but often the venues are too loud, or individuals don't interact with more than individuals immediately beside them. Trapping them in a vehicle to take them on a hike and on the hike itself seems to be on the right track, but the difficulty is figuring out who these individuals are and getting them out in the first place.

As much as I don't want to point fingers, a huge part of the process is internal to these individuals. This is why I am trying to figure out how to create an atmosphere (in the groups of individuals I interact with) where they feel comfortable to believe that their "quills" are disarmed. I don't have a solution or something I can suggest yet. Some of the posts suggesting that some of you guys meeting up together seems like a great start.

Humans need to interact and bond. From what I know, people bond immediately with difficulties. Pull a room of a random 100 Calgarians together, "Who is a Flames fan, who works down town, who takes the train" might get a large group, but ask a question like, "Who has been affected by loneliness, cancer, depression, death." I'm sure you're getting more than majority.

I have no idea what my point is. I feel strong enough to share, but I seem to just ramble. I guess I just hope that those who are struggling with loneliness will find some type of meaningful interaction.

Good luck.

[Hugh Jahrmes]

Originally Posted by Deegee

I've never felt so lonely in my life before.

Wife and I are now separated and the weekends without my son are brutal (like this one).

The rest of the time I am volunteering to kill some time which is itself rewarding, but overall it's not a great life right now because at the end of the day I come home and am still alone. I feel like the only people I know were either my wife's friends or are coworkers. All my coworkers are all females and are married so asking to do something with them seems awkward.

Learning how to live alone again sucks.

I'm with you buddy. Was in a long term relationship, had a child May 2014, and from about the 8th month of pregnancy things fell apart quickly, and we separated in October.

Do you both work full time? Right now, I've been taking my son every day I'm not at work, which is every weekend, with each second weekend being 3 days due to 10 hour work days. For the first two months after we split, it was very difficult to see him. There were constant scheduling conflicts or miscommunications and I got to spend 5-6 days in 8 weeks.. Ouch. It was a shock on the system like I'd never experienced before. Now, taking him every weekend has completely stifled my social life (which was already near nonexistent as I pretty much kept all of my old close friends at a distance since I decided to "grow up" and get my home and start a family) but my weekends are flying by. It's exhausting due to rotating between days and nights weekly for work and trying to maintain his schedule, but I feel better during a weekend if no sleep than I do throughout my work week of moping around and sleeping ALL the time.

Go to the gym or something , I've been pressuring myself to get active, and to find reasons to leave the house when I don't want to. Spend 20-30 minutes doing a random deep clean of a washroom or some area you think could use it. Both seem to provide momentary satisfaction, and are something you can build on.

She's had her own place since the beginning of December and I still haven't gotten back into a groove of meal planning/cooking/basically providing proper nutrition for myself consistently, but those things happen over time. I will likely make a solid push to find roommates this spring, and if that fails, i have decided to sell my home and search for something more appropriately sized for my new life. That sucks, I realize, but depending on the size of your home it may be contributing to your loneliness.

[djsFlames]

The best advice I can give to people who process everything internally (aka introverts) who're struggling with loneliness and isolation (even just of mind), is to discover your personality type. Your 'MBTI'. it's very accurate and can describe your behaviours, tendencies and way in which you interact with the world, to a T. This is through measuring your strengths and weaknesses, and determining the ways in which to process and interact with the world. Find out which introvert type you belong to, there are a few. From there you can find different forums where you can connect with people within the same type that are exactly like you. Who share the same concerns as you, and experience the same problems. And can relate to even things you thought you could never share with anyone. It was the best thing I've done for myself in the past year. Even if you're not necessarily physically alone often, but regardless just feel misunderstood by people, and like you simply don't sense that you mesh well with others generally, I guarantee there are answers there for you to discover. And while talking with a bunch of people exactly like you probably sounds like a total headache, it's not. It's actually therapeutic. And it'll give reasons for a lot of the things that you experience, where you previously may have had none. Doesn't even matter your age. It's something that can enlighten and help people at any stage.

It's the first time I've ever really found any meaningfulness to chatting with people online, other than just passing time (lol no offense, CP). And for those who feel alone, you'll definitely feel much less so after doing this for yourself, maybe not because you'll make a bunch of friends (well, you might), but because you'll realize just how many others are just as lost as you, and experience the same things (stuff you never realized), and you have a place to go to discuss everything going on in your head with people who actually get you.

I thought I'd put this out here because I see people going through similar difficulties to those that I was experiencing for some time, and have found a lot of help with by just doing a little research. And let's just say...I have a hunch.

[Deegee]

Originally Posted by Hugh Jahrmes

I'm with you buddy. Was in a long term relationship, had a child May 2014, and from about the 8th month of pregnancy things fell apart quickly, and we separated in October.

Do you both work full time? Right now, I've been taking my son every day I'm not at work, which is every weekend, with each second weekend being 3 days due to 10 hour work days. For the first two months after we split, it was very difficult to see him. There were constant scheduling conflicts or miscommunications and I got to spend 5-6 days in 8 weeks.. Ouch. It was a shock on the system like I'd never experienced before. Now, taking him every weekend has completely stifled my social life (which was already near nonexistent as I pretty much kept all of my old close friends at a distance since I decided to "grow up" and get my home and start a family) but my weekends are flying by. It's exhausting due to rotating between days and nights weekly for work and trying to maintain his schedule, but I feel better during a weekend if no sleep than I do throughout my work week of moping around and sleeping ALL the time.

Go to the gym or something , I've been pressuring myself to get active, and to find reasons to leave the house when I don't want to. Spend 20-30 minutes doing a random deep clean of a washroom or some area you think could use it. Both seem to provide momentary satisfaction, and are something you can build on.

She's had her own place since the beginning of December and I still haven't gotten back into a groove of meal planning/cooking/basically providing proper nutrition for myself consistently, but those things happen over time. I will likely make a solid push to find roommates this spring, and if that fails, i have decided to sell my home and search for something more appropriately sized for my new life. That sucks, I realize, but depending on the size of your home it may be contributing to your loneliness.

We were together for almost 9 years. Our son is 7 years old, soon to be 8. We also separated in October, and she has just moved out four weeks ago. I know it sounds bad, but I only miss my son. I’ve changed a lot over the years and she has not. We just grew apart. While I have no hard feelings towards her, sometimes I feel the feelings aren’t mutual. She didn’t find my joke of placing an ad in the newspaper for “18-25 Female Roommate wanted” all that funny.

I’ve just now finally finished cleaning the house as she left the place in a disaster. I’ve gotten the finances aspect “manageable”, so can move forward with my plan to get a renter into one of the rooms to add a body to the house and to allow for me to leave the house once in a while and do activities that cost money.

I eat pretty horrible so I hear you there, but have gone from near 300 lbs to just under 240 lbs by running every morning on the treadmill (can’t wait for nicer weather). Looking forward to a half marathon this year, mud hero, and the snake climb thingy in Sundre this year. Physical activity has helped a lot in managing stress and my mood. I am also volunteering as “security” which is a super cushy gig at the local Junior A team where I pretty much watch the game for free and chat with a few people, and I am on a mixed curling team with some coworkers to keep some form of social life when I’m not at the rink watching my son. Lastly, I already have a dog, so I've checked that box.

It's funny you mention selling because I am contemplating selling my place and moving to Edmonton where I have family and friends I know well for support, but I don’t have a ton of choices for work as far as qualifications go and am overpaid in my position so I will likely have to hang out where I am until some debt is gone to make a change without jeopardizing child support payments. Just going bankrupt and starting fresh isn’t something that appeals to me as it would result in job loss.

Overall I don’t feel life is all that bad and I recognize I do have people in my life that care about me, I just realize how much time I invested in my son now that he isn’t here all the time and I have to get off my ass and meet new people again.

[nfotiu]

Originally Posted by Deegee

We were together for almost 9 years. Our son is 7 years old, soon to be 8. We also separated in October, and she has just moved out four weeks ago. I know it sounds bad, but I only miss my son. I’ve changed a lot over the years and she has not. We just grew apart. While I have no hard feelings towards her, sometimes I feel the feelings aren’t mutual. She didn’t find my joke of placing an ad in the newspaper for “18-25 Female Roommate wanted” all that funny.

I’ve just now finally finished cleaning the house as she left the place in a disaster. I’ve gotten the finances aspect “manageable”, so can move forward with my plan to get a renter into one of the rooms to add a body to the house and to allow for me to leave the house once in a while and do activities that cost money.

I eat pretty horrible so I hear you there, but have gone from near 300 lbs to just under 240 lbs by running every morning on the treadmill (can’t wait for nicer weather). Looking forward to a half marathon this year, mud hero, and the snake climb thingy in Sundre this year. Physical activity has helped a lot in managing stress and my mood. I am also volunteering as “security” which is a super cushy gig at the local Junior A team where I pretty much watch the game for free and chat with a few people, and I am on a mixed curling team with some coworkers to keep some form of social life when I’m not at the rink watching my son. Lastly, I already have a dog, so I've checked that box.

It's funny you mention selling because I am contemplating selling my place and moving to Edmonton where I have family and friends I know well for support, but I don’t have a ton of choices for work as far as qualifications go and am overpaid in my position so I will likely have to hang out where I am until some debt is gone to make a change without jeopardizing child support payments. Just going bankrupt and starting fresh isn’t something that appeals to me as it would result in job loss.

Overall I don’t feel life is all that bad and I recognize I do have people in my life that care about me, I just realize how much time I invested in my son now that he isn’t here all the time and I have to get off my ass and meet new people again.

I'm curious what your custody arrangement ended up being. I have a 50/50 arrangement where I have my 2 boys every other week for the last 3 years. I didn't really find that part too hard to manage. And actually enjoyed having some new found adult time to go out and do stuff. They also come to my house after school during a lot of her weeks, and go to their sports on weekends so I guess that's probably a little different. I imagine if I had to go to a strict every other weekend scenario, I'd have had a very hard time.

[Itse]

Originally Posted by DoubleF

This is something I've noted for a while now due to my interest in sociology in school. I've spent the last approximate 3-4 years meeting new professionals coming to Calgary for work. What I've found is that it's not about asking them to join clubs randomly and throw themselves into social situations. Calgarians (native or went to school here) are somewhat cliquey. We set up situations where we have our own groups or have habits where we shoot home after work. Even social drinking doesn't go far because topically, many newcomers can't relate to it. I've found that many of these newcomers end up banding together, but in the end, it's still not the type of interactions these individuals desire. Furthermore, a huge common denominator I've noticed is that many of them feel that interacting involves being a "bother" to others.

I've spent a lot of time pondering the topic and finally discovered something called the hedgehog's dilemma (also known as the porcupine's dilemma). You desire the warmth of others, but cannot due to the quills causing injury to each other. You can toss someone in a room with a million other people, but for as long as they feel their proximity to others bring the quills closer to both parties, it's not going to work. I've wondered if this is a consequence of an idea I consider "friends due to convenience". How in post secondary, you could easily have anyone and everyone as a friend because they were close, went to the same classes etc. But once you start working, it's hard to make a handful of new friends. Acquaintances are easy to make, but friends? Not so much.

I haven't sorted out how to help many of these individuals yet. I'm still trying to figure it out. Offering an excuse to get out of their homes for a drink or dinners isn't always even considered half helpful. Offering help for basic things such as shopping, coat shopping or even furniture shopping/delivery which to newcomers without a car is a huge help, and probably gets maybe to half helpful. I find board game nights aren't perhaps as meaningful as they could be because they focus too much on the game rather than truly chatting with each other. I find dinners sorta work, but often the venues are too loud, or individuals don't interact with more than individuals immediately beside them. Trapping them in a vehicle to take them on a hike and on the hike itself seems to be on the right track, but the difficulty is figuring out who these individuals are and getting them out in the first place.

As much as I don't want to point fingers, a huge part of the process is internal to these individuals. This is why I am trying to figure out how to create an atmosphere (in the groups of individuals I interact with) where they feel comfortable to believe that their "quills" are disarmed. I don't have a solution or something I can suggest yet. Some of the posts suggesting that some of you guys meeting up together seems like a great start.

I agree with this mostly. However, I strongly believe that for example joining clubs randomly or starting social hobbies is productive, and really pretty much the only option.

This is because people don't just change on their own. People are adaptive creatures, they adapt to the way their life is. It can be a bad thing. If a persons life is in a point where they feel have become socially reclusive, this will in time become a self-perpetuating situation. When you're reclusive, you lose social skills, and when you lose social skills being reclusive comes naturally.

You can not change this by just trying to change yourself, because generally speaking people don't just change like that. First their lives must change, then they can change by adapting into that new life.

If you put yourself into more social situations, you will eventually pretty much inevitably become more "naturally social". That's how people are. Then the quills might start coming down.

Of course it can be frustrating to socialize when you're not used to it, but if it was easy we wouldn't be here talking about this

That's why social hobbies are so useful; they're an easy place to start. True, you don't generally make friends playing boardgames, but you grow more accustomed to talking to people, negotiating, making jokes, getting jokes etc. (Some games are also better for socializing than others.) In other words, you learn social skills and pick up social habits. And just generally, being around people increases your tolerance of being around more people.

Besides, trying to make friends is putting the cart before the horse. First you make acquintances and adapt to a more social lifestyle. Friendships should happen naturally after that.

(Hmm, I notice that this is kind of the same thing I said about writing in another thread. First you need to write, then you can become a writer.)

All that said, if a person is social enough to talk about his loneliness openly, he's probably got more going for him than he realizes.

EDIT: Oh, and people do make friends playing roleplaying games

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

Originally Posted by Deegee

She didn’t find my joke of placing an ad in the newspaper for “18-25 Female Roommate wanted” all that funny.

The mother of your child didn't find you looking in the local newspaper for a younger female roommate to be funny? Don't put that on her, that is all on you. I don't know you from a hole in the wall, but from that seemingly mean spirited joke, I would say that you need to mature in a serious manner.

[Coach]

Originally Posted by flameswin

For me it was really bad depression that basically led to the same thing. Instead of no friends it was "duck out of everything until no friends bother anymore".

Had health issues that eventually led to no more hockey (could play now, but I've been out for too long) at the same time as developing bad depression.

It was a bad cycle I guess; Friends call - too depressed to go out - friends stop calling - more depression - friends try some more - too depressed to go out. Eventually they stop trying and rightfully so, as the answer is always "yeah, I'll think about it" followed by nothing.

So I'm basically in the same position; Just work, go home, go to work etc. It sucks, but there's no other options in this state, so I just work hard and try to keep my head up.

I wanted to respond to this because I can relate to this for sure. I went through a thing where I was crazy about one of my best friends, we tried briefly and then a whole bunch of crap hit the fan. I wanted to stay away from my group of friends for this reason as I didn't want to talk about it, or see her, and being around all those people just brought me down. I went into a pretty good depression that is exactly what you;re talking about.

I got out of it (with the help of a wonderful lady and my awesome puppy who I got at what I would consider my lowest point). My suggestion would be to start taking the initiative yourself again. Start calling up your friends, go for a beer or a movie with them or whatever you like/used to do. You're true friends will welcome you back no problem. People understand that everyone goes through tough times and not many will hold that against you. Most likely, they will be happy to have you around again.

[Wastedyouth]

Originally Posted by Mean Mr. Mustard

The mother of your child didn't find you looking in the local newspaper for a younger female roommate to be funny? Don't put that on her, that is all on you. I don't know you from a hole in the wall, but from that seemingly mean spirited joke, I would say that you need to mature in a serious manner.

I'm surprised you could type this comment from all the way up there.

[GGG]

One thing I think gets lost is making friends is harder than dating and finding a relationship. You don't get to gloss over ackward moments with physical attraction.

[East Coast Flame]

If anyone in this thread wants to grab a beer and watch a game I'd be more than willing to meet up. Shoot me a PM.

[Wormius]

Is there any interest in creating/joining a CP (CalgaryPuck) Meetup Group?

[Hevishot]

If you have some sort of Dirt bike or had one in the past and feel like rekindling your love of them you can join a riding club. I am surprised how many guys take up the sport after a divorce/separation or start riding again now that the reason the bike got sold in the first place is no longer in the picture. Its a good way to keep yourself occupied, in shape and meet new people. We do guided trail rides every Wednesday night in the summer and most of those guys also meet up on the weekends for rides and beers. I have noticed that its a pretty good support system for a few of the guys who have been divorced or separated recently. PM Me for more details!

[Phil Russell]

My advice is to just keep pushing yourself to get out of your rut. Don't stop trying. There are a lot of good suggestions in this thread. Force yourself to give them a go. Move on if they don't feel right but give yourself the chance to be happy. It will not happen if you bury yourself at home and work. Get out. And remember that good things happen to good people when they least expect them. Good luck.

[Sliver]

This might sound stupid, but what about getting together and getting hammered. Like insist on a four or five drink minimum for everyone. I think that's how I bonded with half my current friends - through ridiculous drinking nights where lots of funny things happen and it brings everyone closer.

I think just sitting around chatting sober people will keep their guards up. Get drunk, get up to shenanigans, and hopefully have fun. Then after a few super drunk meet ups, you guys will start making plans to do things sober, and natural friendships may form.

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by OMG!WTF!

Plan a trip. Not just a sight seeing venture. But an adventure. Hike, ski, climb, ride a bike, ride a motor bike, drive a car, somewhere crazy. The six months it takes to plan will give you something to do, the two months on the trip will be great and you'll come back a different person with an interesting story. You might just trip over a friend.

Not many people can afford to take a two month trip. You may as well just have told him to put on his gold plated rocketpants.

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

Originally Posted by Wastedyouth

I'm surprised you could type this comment from all the way up there.

I am not saying that I am perfect, far from it, but I read something like that and I am astonished at the complete lack of personal accountability. If he is lonely maybe it is time to look in the mirror at self-destructive habits, and playing cruel jokes on loved ones, is something that will precipitate loneliness.