Dating is the worst. I agree with everyone else though, she's not into you. I struggled with that a lot when it happened to me, too. Try not to take it personally and just move on. You can over-analyze "what you did wrong" after 2-3 dates, or you can realize that the two of you were just not compatible (because one of you wasn't interested) and it's really nothing to take personally.
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It really sounds like the OP is too caught up on trying to analyze what the girl did wrong, rather than accept that she just isn't feeling it with him.
The biggest red flag out of everything he said was that after she wanted to bail early he STILL went in for a kiss? Huh?
It's only the 3rd date, maybe she wasn't sure if she like the OP or not and then he said or did something that really made it clear for her. We are only getting the one side of the story and it seems like it's distorted a bit.
OP you may not come right out and say it but the way this thread reads to me is that you've already fallen hard for this girl. It's not reading as a guy who thinks there might be a little something here that if slowly nourished could blossom into something great. It happens but it seems clear that the girl does not share those same feelings nor does she think she ever will so it's time to move on OP.
To me there are four types of early relationships:
1) the undeniable, well to use the words from this thread, spark that both people feel. This spark may turn into something substantial or it may fizzle but you are going to see it through to whatever end.
2) one person immediately feels this person could be the one while the other person believes there could be something and sees how it develops. This ends one of two ways - (a) long term relationship or (b) some nice times but ultimately it's called off before things become that serious. This is where I think you wish you were OP.
3) both people feel there might be something and decide to see where it goes.
4) One person falls hard and the other knows there is nothing for them long term. There is no hope for this one OP and I think this is where you actually lie.
For full disclosure, my wife of 18 years (girlfriend/fiance/wife for 23) fell in category 2. I did the falling and I fell hard. Thankfully for me she saw enough in those early days to stick around and fall herself. I also don't think it's wrong of her to want to be a person who does the falling immediately....she is allowed to want that and it doesn't make her high maintenance are anything else. It makes her, well, her.
Or perhaps I've read too much into your posts.
Last edited by ernie; 12-09-2014 at 02:48 PM.
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Like many have suggested, she isn't into you. But she is at least nice enough to tell you that she likes you and sees good things in you. I have been in that situation and even with the misreading of signals as well (the kiss situation). It stings more at first than being shot down hard, but it shows that you are a good person, just not a good fit for this person.
Re: the comments about "being friend zoned" the biggest thing that you need to know is that there is no such thing as being friend-zoned. You are a guy they won't ever like, a guy they like, but with no sexual chemistry, or someone who they share chemistry with. It took a girl I was hanging with (but things not going anywhere) to be plainly honest for me to get that. We are still friends now.
When I recovered from my mind=blown, then I just started to go out, have fun, start conversations with people without an agenda, just see if we click, then take it from there. Within in month I meet a girl, start dating, now we are engaged.
All in all, this is a decent situation - you learn about yourself, you are treated nicely, even though she isn't into you, and you get a chance to move on instead of pouring energy into something that isn't going to work.
Does that ever really work? If so, that is messed-up. Wicked games.
I have a very good friend who has been in the 'friend zone' with a girl for 12 YEARS. He has been whining to me for 10 years and basically being this girl's bitch- shopping with her, walking with her, going out with her to dinner but NEVER getting anywhere.
So finally one day I told him I was sick of hearing about this stuff year after year, and I said he should follow my advice or not talk about it anymore.
Well- he started ignoring her texts and dating another girl, and not being there for her. She showed up at 10pm on his doorstep after week two of no texting back and him seeing someone else, and gave him the night of his life.
It's not that the girl fell in love with him, it was just a matter of pride for her- and that's how the dating world works. Funny thing is of course, after 'that night' my friend lost interest in his long time crush and ever since, she's been trying to get him to pay attention to her like he used to.
Not saying every person is like this, but for the most part- they are- especially in today's scene.
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Unfortunately I have been on the receiving end of bad dating karma lately.
Where I was madly into a woman and she ended up not sharing my feelings.
I tried to rationalize things, thinking that it was something that I could change or was doing wrong that could be a quick and easy fix and win her back and change her mind.
Don't ever go back and try to just be friends, thinking that you could convince them to be something more in the future.
The dating world today is harsh. There are so any choices and options out there thanks to Eharmony, POF, Tinder.
My best advice to you would be to focus on yourself. Improving you confidence for instance.
I look and feel a lot more confident when I am dressed in nice clothes and I have worked out and exercised a lot.
Women today don't care too much about responsibility, what size of home you live in, the size of your bank account, or what you drive. So don't focus on playing up those aspects of your life when you are out on dates.
They tend to focus more about the image and personality of the man. So try and improve these so you are a reflection of the best image of yourself.
Put it this way, if you were a woman, would you date you?
She's not into you. She's trying to let you down easy by feeding you a clever variation of "It's not you, it's me".
I'm not trying to be a dick about it, but you really need to chill out about this chick.
It was 3 dates, and you already had her birthday in your callendar, and wanted to make birthday plans with her, and you've written pages about it on CP?
Okay, sorry man, you were apparently really into this chick, but she's not into you. It sucks, you can't win 'em all. But man, you need to stop trying to rationalize this and just move on.
No offense taken, dont worry. I understand, she is no longer into me. I need to stop giving girls the benefit of the doubt and see these signs for what they are. Though to me, I tend to believe everything said to me as if it is always the truth. Ive always had the habit or where I would believe everything someone would say to me, as is, in the exact way it was said to me UNLESS they give me a reason NOT to believe them. Gullable? Perhaps. Naive? Yes.
So yes, when she said that she wants love at first sight, I actually believed it and didnt see it as her actually telling me (in a much more creative and less direct way), that shes not into me. I have to say, this is the very first time someone has said something like that to me (in terms of how creative it was).
Last edited by ChickenPho; 12-09-2014 at 03:54 PM.
Sorry, just from reading your replies I think you need to read my earlier post again. I'm telling you, I was in your shoes and I got the chance that you're looking for. Sure, she was genuinely interested in me and wanted to hang out for a bit longer than three dates and I got a few months of exclusive dating with her but it still didn't work out. I knew at the 2.5-3 month mark that this wasn't going to work cause she clearly just wasn't into it like I was. From that point, to the point where we officially called it off about a month later, I drove my self insane. It was awful. You do not want to put yourself through that. Constantly checking your phone to see if she sent you a text or something, going days without hearing a peep from her and then when she finally responds you justify it all to yourself and make excuses for her ignoring you... Trust me. It's a ####ing nightmare.
I know you think you can pull this off. I did too. But the reality is you fell hard for this girl and she gave you chance and just wasn't feeling it like you were. That is honestly the WORST foundation to build a relationship on.
Take a positive note in that you scored a few dates with a girl like that so she and girls like her are clearly in your league, you just weren't a good fit this time.
Next time stick to the rule of no relationship talk for at least a month of seeing each other. If you decide earlier that you do want a relationship with the next girl then start taking her on very cute dates that imply that you're a couple and if they feel anything close to what you feel they will go for it and it will expedite the whole process...
Or do what I did in my current relationship and stop a guy from hitting on her and claim her as "your girlfriend"... that will only go one of two ways. You will either be a "possessive ass" or "the sweetest knight in shining armour" ... may the odd forever be in your favor
Quote:
Originally Posted by polak
Yeah sorry man, I think I'm going to have to side with everyone and say that you came on too strong, too early.
It sucks but I was in a short relationship earlier this year in which I was more invested in then the girl and she kept it going for about 3 months and once we hit the 3 month mark I could tell that she wasn't getting over the "casually dating" hump and it drove me nuts. I have never acted like such a mess before in my life. Be thankful she's letting you down early and easily.
The upside of that is once you get over them a) It's a huge weight of your shoulders and b) Once you meet someone who is as interested in you as you are in them, you realize how much better that is. I'm in a new relationship right now where we're both crazy for each other and it's awesome. Can't believe I put myself through that last month of torture in that last relationship when it clearly wasn't going to work.
But even at the beginning of the relationship I am in now, I was pumping the brakes and keeping it casual for a bit just to feel it out before getting in too deep.
I know exactly what happened here and what to do. I just l Iived that experience, and found out what to do. First step (and it seems counter intuituve) but do not contact her again! Not a peep. To find out why, read "no more mr. Nice guy" (is not about turning yourself into a jerk, but understanding your bad habits) . To get your mind off of her, work out, go out and be social, and date other women. If you do that, If she's still interested she might find a way to contact you, but don't hold your breath.
Dating is the worst. I agree with everyone else though, she's not into you. I struggled with that a lot when it happened to me, too. Try not to take it personally and just move on. You can over-analyze "what you did wrong" after 2-3 dates, or you can realize that the two of you were just not compatible (because one of you wasn't interested) and it's really nothing to take personally.
Don't listen to this guy. You did do "wrong" and it'll keep happening to guys like us, unless we fix ourselves. Read the book i recommended. You'll thank me later
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Sorry, just from reading your replies I think you need to read my earlier post again. I'm telling you, I was in your shoes and I got the chance that you're looking for. Sure, she was genuinely interested in me and wanted to hang out for a bit longer than three dates and I got a few months of exclusive dating with her but it still didn't work out. I knew at the 2.5-3 month mark that this wasn't going to work cause she clearly just wasn't into it like I was. From that point, to the point where we officially called it off about a month later, I drove my self insane. It was awful. You do not want to put yourself through that. Constantly checking your phone to see if she sent you a text or something, going days without hearing a peep from her and then when she finally responds you justify it all to yourself and make excuses for her ignoring you... Trust me. It's a ####ing nightmare.
I know you think you can pull this off. I did too. But the reality is you fell hard for this girl and she gave you chance and just wasn't feeling it like you were. That is honestly the WORST foundation to build a relationship on.
Take a positive note in that you scored a few dates with a girl like that so she and girls like her are clearly in your league, you just weren't a good fit this time.
Next time stick to the rule of no relationship talk for at least a month of seeing each other. If you decide earlier that you do want a relationship with the next girl then start taking her on very cute dates that imply that you're a couple and if they feel anything close to what you feel they will go for it and it will expedite the whole process...
Or do what I did in my current relationship and stop a guy from hitting on her and claim her as "your girlfriend"... that will only go one of two ways. You will either be a "possessive ass" or "the sweetest knight in shining armour" ... may the odd forever be in your favor
I know exactly where you are coming from. Ive fallen hard (and too quickly) for girls before, except that was 10+ years ago since my last relationship lasted 9 years. We ended up breaking up last May and that was probably the most difficult thing I've gone through in my life. It was brutal and like you describe it, it was a ****** nightmare. I dont want to ever have to go through heart break again. I know you cant entirely avoid it, but you can sure take precautions in lowering your chances. And that most likely begins with the #1 rule: Dont fall hard or too fast for a girl you just met. Unfortunately I failed in doing this.
Thats why Im deleting her number tonight and forgetting about her. I wont look back, I wont flash back to what went wrong, what could have been, etc because its all already done and theres nothing I can do from here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ArmBands
If you're spending time analyzing your relationship...It's not a good relationship. I know it seems simple and direct but often the best advice is.
True, a real relationship should be effortless and free flowing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by smoothpops
I know exactly what happened here and what to do. I just l Iived that experience, and found out what to do. First step (and it seems counter intuituve) but do not contact her again! Not a peep. To find out why, read "no more mr. Nice guy" (is not about turning yourself into a jerk, but understanding your bad habits) . To get your mind off of her, work out, go out and be social, and date other women. If you do that, If she's still interested she might find a way to contact you, but don't hold your breath.
I wont be contacting her again, dont worry. I just feel like an idiot for still going in for a kiss when dropping her off. Talk about a moment for forget. I need to stop being so naive at times and stop giving girls an automatic benefit of the doubt.
Last edited by ChickenPho; 12-09-2014 at 06:44 PM.
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Thats why Im deleting her number tonight and forgetting about her. I wont look back, I wont flash back to what went wrong, what could have been, etc because its all already done and theres nothing I can do from here.
Exactly, just forget about it and move on, there's no point in losing sleep.
Learn from your mistakes and meet some new people.
Maybe your first issue is referring to three dates as a "relationship". It seems to me that at 33 you should be able to differentiate between having fun, hanging out, dating and being in an actual relationship. I was blown away you had her birthday "on your calendar" and was planning to take her out that day too as if she would drop everything for someone she has only been out with 3 times.
Anyways
Take a step back from finding a relationship and figure out how to date and have fun first. You yourself said you have been out of the dating world for 9 years...find yourself before finding an actual woman to settle down with.
If it is true you are being pressured by your parents to find someone and settle down, tell them to fly a kite! I understand you may hay been raised in a different culture or background but why sacrifice who you are to end up settling for someone to make your parents happy?
/rant
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Don't listen to this guy. You did do "wrong" and it'll keep happening to guys like us, unless we fix ourselves. Read the book i recommended. You'll thank me later
Wait a second. Is this one of those books where any guy can date any girl he wants if he just acts a certain way?
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Don't listen to this guy. You did do "wrong" and it'll keep happening to guys like us, unless we fix ourselves. Read the book i recommended. You'll thank me later
Are you sure "this guy" is actually a guy?
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