Marriage out of insecurity

[troutman]

Advice From Life’s Graying Edge on Finishing With No Regrets


http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/10/he...nted=all&_r=1&

Enter an invaluable source of help, if anyone is willing to listen while there is still time to take corrective action. It is a new book called “30 Lessons for Living” (Hudson Street Press) that offers practical advice from more than 1,000 older Americans from different economic, educational and occupational strata who were interviewed as part of the ongoing Cornell Legacy Project.


Its author, Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at the College of Human Ecology at Cornell and a gerontologist at the Weill Cornell Medical College, calls his subjects “the experts,” and their advice is based on what they did right and wrong in their long lives. Many of the interviews can be viewed at legacyproject.human.cornell.edu.


ON MARRIAGE A satisfying marriage that lasts a lifetime is more likely to result when partners are fundamentally similar and share the same basic values and goals. Although romantic love initially brings most couples together, what keeps them together is an abiding friendship, an ability to communicate, a willingness to give and take, and a commitment to the institution of marriage as well as to each other.

[peter12]

Originally Posted by calumniate

That is outstanding. However I'm curious what she thinks of tweed coats?

My two tweed coats are her favourite part of my sartorial rotation. Everybody wins.

[Sainters7]

Originally Posted by Northendzone

i have often wondered what it would be like to hook with someone who was identical to me, but of the female gender.

would it be bliss or gear grinding?

I think it would work better with quieter, relaxed "B" type personalities than bossy, anal "A" types. Funny how most A types hate other A types.

[CaramonLS]

Originally Posted by peter12

My two tweed coats are her favourite part of my sartorial rotation. Everybody wins.

Please tell me you also have professional photos taken of you two in matching outfits.

Please.

[Pizza]

Originally Posted by Sylvanfan

Aah, the religious girl who goes bad after marriage. Is she the same age as your friend or quite a bit younger, like say 5 years or more?

Close, she's over 4 years younger than him.

[goodyear]

Originally Posted by nik-

You need to meddle with your first friend.

Or meddle with the two girls! I kid...I've gone to a few weddings in the past 18 months and happy to say that all the guys have married their girls for the right reason and I won't have to go another wedding of theirs again!

I do lament all the brides' choice in non-singleish bridesmaids.

#toughsledding but at least the food was great

[Sr. Mints]

I wouldn't say theirs is a marriage born from insecurity, but I've observed several odd things I'm just going to go ahead and attribute to each of their own insecurities. This couple was married at a very young age, and of course I've wrote about them here.

Marriage: the ball and chain

To be honest, I haven’t entirely decided if this is a common phenomenon that I’ve been witness to, or an isolated case of the crazies. But it’s something that bothers me enough to write about. And it’s definitely how I’m vowing not to live my life.


In the summer of 2012, someone I know got married. He was 22 at the time, his wife 19. They have not been apart for than 30 seconds since.


Is that wrong? No. Unexpected? I guess not. But I have known the guy for his entire 22 years, and I know he can’t stand to be smothered. I’ve seen him end relationships at the first sign of clinginess on many different occasions. But I also know that he, to borrow a crude phrase, has no balls.


What do I mean by that? He ends relationships over Facebook or by texting because he can’t stand up to people. He has been duped into attending marketing events under the guise of job fairs, and has sat through them for 3 hours, pissed off, yet didn’t want to make a scene and walk out. This is the guy who will accept getting charged twice for an item at the grocery store, rather than point out the mistake to the cashier. The guy who drops out of university in his first week, but doesn’t officially drop out (he just stops going.)


I have no idea why he’s like this, but any effort I’ve made to point this out in hopes that maybe—just maybe—he doesn’t realize this is how he is, has been thrown in my face.


Anyway, back to my main topic. I fear they are now married because he couldn't say 'no.'


Read on . . .

[Pizza]

Thanks for the input guys.

As much as we'd like to get involved, we cant unless our friend in the first couple asks for help. Like one poster said, we dont want to look like the bad guys for getting involved, so we'll wait.

We really despise her for bringing the friend along too to our parties. As though she's flaunting her new friend infront of us too

[Minnie]

Originally Posted by CaramonLS

Please tell me you also have professional photos taken of you two in matching outfits.

Please.

[Hockeyguy15]

Originally Posted by Pizza

Thanks for the input guys.

As much as we'd like to get involved, we cant unless our friend in the first couple asks for help. Like one poster said, we dont want to look like the bad guys for getting involved, so we'll wait.

We really despise her for bringing the friend along too to our parties. As though she's flaunting her new friend infront of us too

Your party so your rules...Tell her not to bring him, you are well within your right there.

[darklord700]

Does religion save marriages? My circle of friends at my church, their divorce rate is very low, outside of church, the divorce rate is much higher like 3-4 out of ten.

[Senator Clay Davis]

Your first friend obviously has exceptionally low self-esteem and would rather be miserable with someone than to be miserable alone. Except being miserable with someone gives them the power to bring even more, intentionally misery to him. If she knows he's not going to walk, she will walk all over him. He's gotta dump her ass or step up and show her he won't take her ####, but otherwise he's destined for doormat status for years to come. If you care about him as a friend, you'll try and convince him that the longer he goes on taking this, the worse its going to get. She'll feel empowered to make him feel like ####.

[Makarov]

Originally Posted by darklord700

Does religion save marriages? My circle of friends at my church, their divorce rate is very low, outside of church, the divorce rate is much higher like 3-4 out of ten.

Perhaps just more pressure not to divorce? More community support (from members of the church?) A more traditional, more stable, patriarchal marriage structure? Difficult to say.

[Senator Clay Davis]

Originally Posted by darklord700

Does religion save marriages? My circle of friends at my church, their divorce rate is very low, outside of church, the divorce rate is much higher like 3-4 out of ten.

Nope. Apparently affiliation doesn't really matter at all, numbers are pretty close across the board.

21% of atheists have been divorced
21% of Catholics and Lutherans have been divorced
24% of Mormons have been divorced
25% of mainstream Protestants have been divorced
29% of Baptists have been divorced
24% of nondenominational, independent Protestants have been divorced

http://atheism.about.com/od/atheistf...stsDivorce.htm

[calgaryrocks]

^you don't think a poll shown by an athiest website might be biased in how it represents the data?
edit: nevermind

[Makarov]

Originally Posted by calgaryrocks

^you don't think a poll shown by an athiest website might be biased in how it represents the data?

About.com is an atheist website?

Also, from said "atheist website":

The Barna Research Group, an evangelical Christian organization that does surveys and research to better understand what Christians believe and how they behave, studied divorce rates in America in 1999 and found surprising evidence that divorce is far lower among atheists than among conservative Christians - exactly the opposite of what they were probably expecting.

[Makarov]

In any event, I imagine that education and socio-economic status are far better predictors of marriage success than religion.

[darklord700]

Marriage as an institution is chanllenged by one fact - women entering the workforce. Women don't have to rely on men for support. The top two posts in my department are held by women making more than their hudsbands.

Through work interaction, it is completely acceptable for women to socialize with men one on one outside of marriage. That also opens up opportunity for men to meet women outside of home as well.

Has any married man not fantacised about having a relationship with one of their female co-workers? And we wonder why divorce rate is high?

[Hevishot]

Originally Posted by Pizza

Thanks for the input guys.

As much as we'd like to get involved, we cant unless our friend in the first couple asks for help. Like one poster said, we dont want to look like the bad guys for getting involved, so we'll wait.

We really despise her for bringing the friend along too to our parties. As though she's flaunting her new friend infront of us too

This may sound extreme but have you thought about having one of your more volatile friends drink a little to much and threaten to thump the intruder in a drunken rage by "accident"? That may keep him from comming around with her if he knows people really do not appreciate his company when they know he is trying to weasel your buddys wife?

[Rathji]

Originally Posted by calgaryrocks

^you don't think a poll shown by an athiest website might be biased in how it represents the data?

Do you have any conflicting data?

I would love to see it.