The... we need a joke thread (Many NSFW)

[MacDaddy77]

Yo Mama

[Bobblehead]

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...

The first guy says, "Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!"

The second goes, " that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!"

The third guy says, "That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me."

The first guy leans back in and whispers, "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog."

[Dion]

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in the park in Calgary, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Flames Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Flames fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Calgary, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Little Stamps Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Stamps fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Calgary was either a Flames or Stamps fan. "What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm an Edmonton Oilers fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little from Edmonton Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[flip]

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care.

So Adam and Eve are before god and he's handing out all the traits that make men and women unique. It is Adam's turn and god proclaims, "Adam there are only 2 traits left, the first one is peeing standing up and the second one..." Adam interupts "I'll take it". God says "But Adam, don't you want to know what the last one was?". " No that is fine" says Adam, "I think I got the best of that one".

Later in the garden of eden Adam and God are hanging out walking around and Adam says, "so god, what was that last trait?". God says, "oh don't worry about it adam."

"No really god I want to know," Adam replies.

"well Adam if you must know," says god, "the last trait was multiple orgasms."

[MacDaddy77]

What are Micheal Jackson and Farrah Fawcett getting for Christmas?

Patrick Swayze

[flip]

One of my favorite old but good jokes.

Three guys are walking around in the forest when they are captured by Indians (of some sort, use your imagination).

The Indian chief proclaims they must all die. He says to the first one "Death or Bunga Bunga?"

The first guy says, "well anything has to be better than death so I'll take Bunga Bunga".

So they take guy one into the woods and he disappears. So the chief says to the second guys "death or Bunga bunga?".

Second guys uses the same logic as the first guy. "anything must be better than death so bunga bunga." Again he's taken into the woods.

The third guy is about to pick when he hears screams from the forest. Guy one and two get dragged back to the clearing where man one waits. They both proclaim "don't do it guy #1, if you choose bunga bunga they'll f*** you up the ass so hard and so long."

So the first guy thinks for a minute and then says "well I really don't want to get raped up the ass until I bleed so I'll just save myself the torture and choose death"

To which the Indian chief responds "Very well, death by bunga bunga".

[Jayems]

nm

[JBR]

Three hockey fans stumble upon the dead body of a young lady and immediately call the police. One fan suggests they cover her privates out of respect, and places his Flames hat on her left breast. The second places his Wings cap on her right breast. The Canucks fan places his cap over her crotch.

When the police arrive, an officer lifts the Flames cap.. has a look.. puts it back and writes some notes.

He then lifts the Wings cap.. has a look.. puts it back and writes some notes.

Finally, he lifts the Vancouver cap.. has a look... and places it back.
He lifts it again and has a longer look.. and places it back.
He lifts it a third time and has a longer look..

Frustrated, the Canucks fan says "Hey man, are you some kind of pervert?"

The cop turns and says "No, I'm confused. Usually when I look under a Vancouver Canucks hat, I find an a$$hole."


There was a good one posted a few months ago about the town drunk finding a lady tied to the tracks.. etc etc.. I can't remember it. Can anyone re-post it?

[Matata]

A stormtrooper walks into a bar, the other ones duck.

[Dion]

Q. What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup playoffs?
A. The Vancouver Canucks

[Dion]

A Calgary Flames hockey fan was driving home from work and he passed by a local priest. He stops and offers him a lift. The priest thanks him kindly and together they proceed to the church to drop the priest off.

On the way they pass a man walking his dog on the other side of the road; on closer inspection the man was seen to be wearing a replica of a Oilers jersey. Now the guy hated the Oilers and suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to run his car into him. He put his foot down on the accelerator and tried to hit him. At the last minute the Oiler fan jumped out of the way. The driver of the car heard a bang but he was sure he'd missed him.

The two men proceeded to the church in silence and the Flames fan pulled up and said, "Look Father, I'm really sorry about that incident back there. I don't know what came over me, can you forgive me father??"

The Priest replied "Of course I can forgive you my son; I got him with the car door."

[devel]

A lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of green leaf lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the drunk's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'

[Dion]

Four hockey fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team, and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of their team. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all.

They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Leafs fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for the Toronto Maple Leafs!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Oilers fan threw himself off the mountain shouting "This is for the Oilers!"

Seeing this, the Calgary Flames fan walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Canucks fan off the side of the mountain.

[Shnabdabber]

2 guys, Bob and Jim, are working at a very loud construction site. The foreman, Bob, just finished climbing a ladder to get onto the roof. Once he got to the top, he realized he had forgot his saw. Instead of going back down to get it, he grabs Jims attention who was on the ground. He yelled over and over "BRING ME A SAW!" but Jim couldnt hear Bob for all the noise and just makes a stupid face.

Bob decided to play a lil bit of charades. While he had Jims attention, he pointed to his eye, then to his knee, and then made a sawing motion. I need a saw. Instantly Jim drops his pants and starts jerking off. Bob cant believe what he is seeing, is disgusted, and turns away to carry on working.

A few minutes later Jim comes up the ladder with the saw. Bob turns to him and says "what the hell is wrong with you?" Jim looks confused and says "Nothing. I was just trying to tell you 'Im coming'"

---------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny is in school learning about addition and subtraction. The teacher, Miss Pleasants, asks Johnny "if three birds are sitting on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny replies back "none." Miss Pleasants asks Johnny how he arrived at such an answer. "Well" Johnny says "If you shoot one bird, the other two birds will be scared and will fly away." Miss Pleasants thinks for a minute and then says "Well thats not the answer I was looking for Johnny, but I like the way you think."

Johnny says to Miss Pleasants "OK, now I have a question for you. Three women are sitting at a park bench, and all of them are eating popsicles. One of the women licks her popsicle, one bites her popsicle, and the last one swallows it. Which one is married?" Miss Pleasants says to Johnny "Hmmm.... well I guess the one that swallows."

"Nope" says Johnny "It would be the one with the ring on her finger. But I like the way you think."

[ResAlien]

A guy wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to
meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and
says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go
in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person
who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living
room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a
word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So
he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a
word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws
her on the table, and nails her right there, in front of
her parents face.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously
livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one
says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his
way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but
still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it
starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline
from his pocket.

The father shoots back away from the table and shouts,
'All right, All Right ,that's enough, I'll do thedishes!'

[Phanuthier]

One of the best "Why did the chicken cross the road" jokes, from a standup comedian:

Comedian : Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the Russians were bombing them

Audience : (silience... whut?)

C : Is this thing on? why did the chicken cross the road? because the russians were bombing them

A : (mummer... is this guy for real?)

C : test test... anyone? anyone?

A : (silience.... wth?)

C : Hmm ... hmm ... oh, did I say Chicken? I meant Chechnyan.

[The Fonz]

Originally Posted by Rhettzky

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my *$%& in your @$$.

You butchered it!!!

It's supposed to be "What's the difference between jam and jelly?".

[kevman]

Originally Posted by The Fonz

You butchered it!!!

It's supposed to be "What's the difference between jam and jelly?".

"I don't jelly my dick down your throat" Said the tiny little waitress at the bar the first time I heard this joke...classic!

[ResAlien]

What's the difference between you and a Mallard with a cold?

One's a sick duck...

And I can't remember how it ends but your mother's a whore.

[kevman]

Seeing the bar was set pretty low with the Fox joke I don't feel so bad...

What's the difference between a picnic table and a black man?

A picnic table can support a family of 4.

What's the difference between a pizza and a black man?

A pizza can feed a family of 4.