Customer Service "Horror" or "Comedic Stories"

[ricosuave]

ah, what a great thread.

im also a crappy tire alumni, ill try to add to this, but i can only seem to remember 2 stories

1-had a bad, bad case of the silent deadly farts one saturday. i was stocking the wiper aisle most of the morning, and to be honest, made a right foul smelling area of it. i had just proceded to leave the worst of the bunch when i got called to the counter, to help a lady with wiper blades. i spoke of the different types, etc for her car and led her right into ground zero. she grabbled both out of my hand and stormed off, dry heaving all the way. 3 of my coworkers literally fell to the floor laughing, right in front of other customers.

2-working a busy sat on the parts counter, often juggling phone and in person orders, not taking too much time to look up. was busy wrapping up a phone call and 'clearing the screen' to help the next in person customer with a hearty 'can i give you a hand' and looked up - oops - dude was missing his right hand, only had a stump. fortunately, he laughed as hard as i did.

oh, and another i just remembered, was working the phones, very very busy. picked up a call to ask 'how can i hold you' - getting my 'how can i help you, and can you please hold' intertwined. everyone near the counter laughed. customers too.

or when customers bring in x part from their x car and demand a replacement.

me - sorry sir, we dont sell those.
guy - are you sure, i bought it here before
me (being the parts guy and all for 4 years) - yep, dealer only, trust me
guy - well are you sure, maybe check with the manager
me - ok (and go check, sure enough, i was right)
me - nope, dealer only
guy - but the dealer wants xxx dollars
me - im sorry. maybe a wrecker?
guy - yeah... (hangs around for 10 minutes, dejected, forlorn)
me (helping next cutomer)
guy (interrupting me from helping next guy) can you check the back
me (getting mad and relating whole situation again) and im helping this guy
guy (pouting because i ragged on him a bit)
me (finishing up with interupted guy, trying to go to next guy)
guy - can you go look now?
me - sure (go into pack parts, have a laugh with the back parts guy about all this, have a quick sit down, maybe a swig of pop, come back 5-10 minutes later) nope, sorry. dealer only.
guy - ok, thanks (walks off)

WTF!!!!

and finally,
but retail was always fun too. dated a few cashiers (the close proximity to the opposite sex was always a turn on and exciting), got to see hot women, stupid people (for all these reasons and more), discount on parts.

it was a time that i wont do again, but enjoyed it while i did.

rico

[Buff]

Ah, Rico, you reminded me of my play on words.

During the start of the Christmas season we were just getting a shipment of toys in and a lady was looking through the toy story characters, she had Buzz Lightyear but was still looking for Woody. She asked if were are getting more and I checked the computer and noted that we should have another 2 dozen somewhere in the back. She said that she was in a rush and asked if I could put it on hold for her. We didn't normally do this, but I thought what the heck. I got her name and number and kept my eye out for the Woody doll. A couple hours later I came across another case of Toy Story dolls, I opened it up and took out Woody. I called her and left a message on her answering machine. "This is Buff from Canadian Tire, I have a Woody here for you..." this is where I realized what I said and lost my composure and finished up with this "uh you can come pick it up.... uh, anytime....uh thanks."

The people I worked with stopped calling me Buff for a while. The Woody nickname only lasted a shortwhile though.

[kermitology]

Originally posted by Julio+Feb 2 2005, 06:40 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Julio @ Feb 2 2005, 06:40 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-kermitology@Feb 2 2005, 05:33 PM
He was originally quoting my 212 story, so maybe he had a beef with it and then realized.. wait.. The Dome IS an oval!

Kermit...I'm shocked...simply shocked...
The Dome isn't an oval...it's round...that's why the concourses are so damned narrow in the ends and wide on the sides...because they are putting a long narrow playing surface and seating bowl into a round building. [/b][/quote]
Please tell me you aren't serious.. The inside of the dome.. sure as hell an oval, you know, straight on the sides and curved on the ends.. oval..

[Maritime Q-Scout]

Originally posted by Buff@Feb 3 2005, 01:02 AM
Ah, Rico, you reminded me of my play on words.

During the start of the Christmas season we were just getting a shipment of toys in and a lady was looking through the toy story characters, she had Buzz Lightyear but was still looking for Woody. She asked if were are getting more and I checked the computer and noted that we should have another 2 dozen somewhere in the back. She said that she was in a rush and asked if I could put it on hold for her. We didn't normally do this, but I thought what the heck. I got her name and number and kept my eye out for the Woody doll. A couple hours later I came across another case of Toy Story dolls, I opened it up and took out Woody. I called her and left a message on her answering machine. "This is Buff from Canadian Tire, I have a Woody here for you..." this is where I realized what I said and lost my composure and finished up with this "uh you can come pick it up.... uh, anytime....uh thanks."

The people I worked with stopped calling me Buff for a while. The Woody nickname only lasted a shortwhile though.

wasn't gonna share this, but I'm overtired, and it'll make your story look better

first:

my assistant manager for some reason would go blank on the phone at random times. Phone rings, he sees it the boss on the caller ID, with me standing next to him his mind goes blank as he looks at how shiney my name tag was

Terry: Thankyou for calling Radio Shack, this is Jon speaking

Our Boss: Ummmm, Terry, you drinkin' on the job?

Terry: No, no, I was looking at Jon's nametag

Me: BWAAA HAAA HAAAA HAAA HAAA


second:

this was classic, repair comes in for this guy who's name is NOT Terry

Terry: (calls and get the machine) Hi Terry this Terry... errr uhhhh ummmm uhhhh *click*

does he wait to call back, or get me to do it? Nope, INSTANTLY picks up the phone, and gets the machine again

Hi Steve, this is Terry from Radio Shack, just wanted to let you know the phone you had out for repair has arrived.

The guy came in later that night, Terry hands him his phone, and says "were you the guy I left the message "Hi Terry this is Terry"

Guy: Yeah, I wasn't gonna say nothin' but since you brought it up... what the f%&@?





lastly:

since I cut up one of my dearest friends enough without him knowing, my own story

I sell whatever I sold to this lady and her teenaged daughter (like 14/15) and give the extended warranty pitch, which she OBVIOUSLY takes, as well I'm just that good :P Now realize it was well into the afternoon, and I never had a chance to get my coffee yet (there since 8am). Then this happens

She says: Yeah I always get the extra coverage ask my daughter here I'm Queen of the Extended Warranties

I replied: Yeah, me too...


KING

KING

I'M KING OF EXTENDED WARRANTIES... AWWWWWW CRAP!

Terry who I was working with litterally fell to his knees laughing, (almost banged his head off the counter when he keeled over) both the customer and her daughter keeled over, and in the middle of talking to another customer my boss burst out laughing and was holding his sides in.

Good Times?

[Bend it like Bourgeois]

First, a wee plug for a local boy and guy I used to work with, Tommy Campbell. Not that we swap Christmas cards, but gotta support the locals.

If you like these kinds of stories, check out his book the Slacker Confessions.
linky And I can vouch for a few of the stories in the book I was aware of as gods honest truth.

Working at the restaurant he calls Carruthers in his book, I remember watching this exchage between a waiter who's funny as hell and a customer who was obnoxious as hell even before this started:

Customer: I want toast, it's 11 am and I don't want your crappy italian bread, I just want toast.

Waiter: Sorry, we don't have toast.

Customer: Look, I'll pay for it, I don;t care, just give me some damn toast.

Waiter: I understand, but we don;t have toast.

Customer: You have bread don;t you?

Waiter: No. If we had bread, I'm pretty sure we could manage toast.

Customer: What the hell kind of place doesn;t have bread?

Waiter: This one. In fact all of the 'Carruthers'.

Customer: This is ****ing stupid, you have no ****ing bread?

Waiter: Hang on, i think I have an idea.

(comes back with a piece of paper showing a name and address, blank paper, and a pen)

Waiter: Here's the name and address of the guy who runs all the Carruthers. The thing about him is he's a pretty smart businessman. Here's his address, here's a pen, and here's some paper. If you write him a letter telling him you want toast, and enough other people do the same, I'm pretty sure he'll get toast. But for now, I can't help you, so you need to decide what you want, or shut the hell up about the toast.

Customer: Well I never -

Waiter: No, I image no never, otherwise you wouldn't be such a ****** now, would you?

Customer: That's it, I'm leaving. And I'm never going to another Carruthers again.

Waiter: I don;t care if you ever go to another Carruthers agin, just as long as you never come back to this one.

[Resolute 14]

This might probably be a little better in the computer thread, but, I'm putting it here anyway. My life as a computer tech:

http://www.techcomedy.com/users/submitted_...p?nick=Snakeeye

[I-Hate-Hulse]

Buff - that's evil. Us Parts Counter lackeys clearly had to deal with the worst customers let alone deal with you slackers from the seasonal department!

Some other stories:


The Infamous "Ten Foot" Rule
I'm not sure which idiot came up with this wonderful customer service revolution but by edict of the evil General Manager, staff had to ask any customer in a 10 foot range if they needed a hand. Try stocking an entire aisle under those rules of engagement. I had a better idea. Since I do accents pretty well, I always pretended to not know English and threw out a few pidgin phrases. Not being white helped too. They quickly went off to find another lackey.

Low Carb Diet
Guy comes in and customer orders a Holley Carb for his Mustang. Being a more exotic item I remember this guy. Gets it a few days later. Two weeks after that, he comes back to customer service and demands a refund. Thing is, he's clearly used it. Mounting holes are mangled as the guy didn't use washers and it's in danger of spontaneously combusting from the gasoline vapors. I get called up to CS as they needed an OK from parts, which I defer to my manager. Gets into a shouting match with the guy, but eventually relents as quite frankly, he couldn't care less either (a fellow lackey in arms)

Battery Duty
Crappy Tire used to get it's automotive batteries dry - highly corrosive acid had to be poured into the cells by us Parts Lackeys. Saftey gear consisted of decent gloves, NO apron, and a full face shield. Oh, and a big box of Cow Brand baking soda to act as neutralizer should you spill it on anything (stolen from housewares).

A fancy vacuum pump in theory shut off the flow of acid as it neared the top of the cell - however, years of neglect meant that the shut off rarely worked and usually splattered everywhere. Judicious use of the filler meant you could usually fill a cell with a minimum of spilling or underfilling it (ummmm.... which was rare? )

One day 2 skids come in and the manager asks me to fill every last freaking battery and stock the bunkers. After what felt like the fiftieth battery or so my concentration was waning. Picture Homer at the Quick-E-Mart filling Squishies when Lisa got a Pony. Anyways, I have the filler on full pressure to fill these suckers quick and neglect to yank the filler out fast enough. Sprays my crotch with acid. I mumble great...great and dust myself down with Cow Brand to neutralize it. Works great until I toss my khakis in the wash and re-hydrate the acid. I kept these pants for posterity.....



Much ado About Nothing
Big Italian dude comes to the counter. Looks like a real life Mario, from my Nintendo. Is proud as heck to have just bought a new Ford Festiva. Is worried that someone may steal his new wheels. Literally. Ordered custom McGard Lock Nuts (I didn't think they even made em for this POS) for $275. Who on earth steals 13" wheels??? Wouldn't you just tuck the Festiva under an arm and run?


Remeber kids... stay in school!

[Julio]

Originally posted by kermitology+Feb 2 2005, 09:38 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (kermitology @ Feb 2 2005, 09:38 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>

Kermit...I'm shocked...simply shocked...
The Dome isn't an oval...it's round...that's why the concourses are so damned narrow in the ends and wide on the sides...because they are putting a long narrow playing surface and seating bowl into a round building.

Please tell me you aren't serious.. The inside of the dome.. sure as hell an oval, you know, straight on the sides and curved on the ends.. oval.. [/b][/quote]
Um...no it's not...I know you worked in the building for years...but it's not an oval. It's round. That is the reason that the concourse in the ends are so narrow compared to the space 'between the goal lines' on the concourse, and is wider at say, section 226 than it is at section 224 or 228. It's a round building with an oval playing surface in it. The greater space on the sides is why there is room for three levels of seats on the sides as compared to only 2 on the ends.
Couldn't find a straight up arial pic (first noticed this when I saw one of Stampede Park), but the diagram @ the Saddledome site shows the shape of the building.

http://www.pengrowthsaddledome.com/images/map.pdf

[calf]

Originally posted by Julio+Feb 2 2005, 11:30 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Julio @ Feb 2 2005, 11:30 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>

Please tell me you aren't serious.. The inside of the dome.. sure as hell an oval, you know, straight on the sides and curved on the ends.. oval..

Um...no it's not...I know you worked in the building for years...but it's not an oval. It's round. That is the reason that the concourse in the ends are so narrow compared to the space 'between the goal lines' on the concourse, and is wider at say, section 226 than it is at section 224 or 228. It's a round building with an oval playing surface in it. The greater space on the sides is why there is room for three levels of seats on the sides as compared to only 2 on the ends.
Couldn't find a straight up arial pic (first noticed this when I saw one of Stampede Park), but the diagram @ the Saddledome site shows the shape of the building.

http://www.pengrowthsaddledome.com/images/map.pdf [/b][/quote]
You guys are both right

The outside is round, the inside is oval, which is what you guys are each saying.

[Gravitykillr]

Originally posted by Alberta Hab Fan@Feb 2 2005, 03:26 PM
Finally, here are some phrases I never wanna hear again:

"How much for dat one?" or "How much is dis?"
(Here's an idea...CHECK THE FREAKIN' PRICE TAG!!!)

(While the store doors are closed) - "Are you guys closed?" or "Are you guys still open?"

:mad2:

again working for 7-11 get those alot too. I think the best one was working a night shift (11pm-7am) the strip mall had informed us our power would be turned off for about an hour because, they were doing some repairs on the empty store beside us. No problem power goes out doors get locked my 2 co-workers run and hide in the back, leaving me out to stand at the counter like a dumbass, can't sell anything so, I start re-stocking cigarette's (I've got a flashlight) and get about half-way done. This drunken moron start yanking on the door like it didn't open the firs time so he'd better try again, finally I get frustrated and yell "we're closed go away", he reponds with "I just want some smokes" again, I reply "we're closed no power go away". He looks at me lookat the doors looks at me and yells "I just need smokes man come on". Getting frustrated and annoyed because my co-workers are hiding in the backroom I yell "we're closed f*** off goto macs" his response was "I walked all the way here just sell me some smokes" again I respond "no power tills won't work go away" I guess his drunken brain finally caught on because he kicked the door and stormed away.

now this story might not get believed but I'm serious it happened, I don't know how 7-11's are in any other cities but in Calgary you walk in the door there's a phone card rack and then the candy aisle, followed by chips, etc. etc. etc.
So it's a saturday night and this guy walkes into the store it's maybe 2:30 and doesn't even look around the store walked right up the counter and asks "do you sell potato chips?" to stop from laughing in his face my response is "turn around" que the laughing until he repsonds in a totaly 80's surfer dude accent (you know Keanu Reeves sp? from Bill & Ted) "Whoa dude look at all those chips" he buys two bags then leaves

I'd like to tell some more had a guy fall asleep on the carpet at the front door once, had another guy shovel the walk in the middle of july. Bedtime is at hand so hopefully my grammar and punctuation is better this time sorry if I have a run-on sentence or two

[annasauve]

Oh Rico! You make me laugh and laugh and laugh! I'm still wiping tears from my eyes. I can't imagine that wiper-blade woman being so cruel to you.

Me, I find the manly aroma of your farts to be a powerful aphrodisiac that sends me into paroxysms of sheer ecstasy. Obviously, she had no grasp of your finer points - or any clue how to appreciate a real man like I do!

[transplant99]

Me, I find the manly aroma of your farts to be a powerful aphrodisiac that sends me into paroxysms of sheer ecstasy.

Now THAT is something i could of never imagined getting "penned" on CP.com.

Brilliant.....I think.

[KevanGuy]

Originally posted by annasauve@Feb 3 2005, 08:59 AM
Oh Rico! You make me laugh and laugh and laugh! I'm still wiping tears from my eyes. I can't imagine that wiper-blade woman being so cruel to you.

Me, I find the manly aroma of your farts to be a powerful aphrodisiac that sends me into paroxysms of sheer ecstasy. Obviously, she had no grasp of your finer points - or any clue how to appreciate a real man like I do!

MOM! I told you not to post on here!!!

[ricosuave]

here's a hint for you guys...

anna- suave???

shes a sick one, no doubt. LOL

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Originally posted by ricosuave@Feb 3 2005, 05:28 PM
here's a hint for you guys...

anna- suave???

shes a sick one, no doubt. LOL

So...she's your mother??

[Alberta Hab Fan]

I'll add a few weird request I had at the hat store...

People asked for the following:
-The Atlanta Red Hawks (She meant the Falcons)
-The San Francisco basketball team
-The Tampa Bay Raiders
-The Atlanta Blue Jackets
-The NY's. (She pronounced it "En-wise") (Looking for the Yankees)

...and the best of all...

Lady - "Do you have the New York hats?"
Me - "Well, what team are you looking for? There's the Rangers, Islander, Jets, Giants, Yankees, Mets, Knicks..."
Lady - "I dunno. The New York Whatevers"

I simply couldn't believe it.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Originally posted by Alberta Hab Fan@Feb 3 2005, 09:39 PM
I'll add a few weird request I had at the hat store...

People asked for the following:
-The Atlanta Red Hawks (She meant the Falcons)
-The San Francisco basketball team
-The Tampa Bay Raiders
-The Atlanta Blue Jackets
-The NY's. (She pronounced it "En-wise") (Looking for the Yankees)

...and the best of all...

Lady - "Do you have the New York hats?"
Me - "Well, what team are you looking for? There's the Rangers, Islander, Jets, Giants, Yankees, Mets, Knicks..."
Lady - "I dunno. The New York Whatevers"

I simply couldn't believe it.

People are freaking stupid lol. The "new york whatevers"?? You should have just gave her a plain white cap and wrote "whatever" on it.

[albertGQ]

Originally posted by Alberta Hab Fan@Feb 3 2005, 02:39 PM
I'll add a few weird request I had at the hat store...

People asked for the following:
-The Atlanta Red Hawks (She meant the Falcons)
-The San Francisco basketball team
-The Tampa Bay Raiders
-The Atlanta Blue Jackets
-The NY's. (She pronounced it "En-wise") (Looking for the Yankees)

...and the best of all...

Lady - "Do you have the New York hats?"
Me - "Well, what team are you looking for? There's the Rangers, Islander, Jets, Giants, Yankees, Mets, Knicks..."
Lady - "I dunno. The New York Whatevers"

I simply couldn't believe it.

As a joke, I walked in to Cap Connections in West Ed a couple years ago and asked if they sold any baseball caps. The guy just looked at me like a ######

[Alberta Hab Fan]

Originally posted by albertGQ@Feb 3 2005, 10:04 PM
As a joke, I walked in to Cap Connections in West Ed a couple years ago and asked if they sold any baseball caps. The guy just looked at me like a ######

You bas**rd!

Cap Connection is where I was working. lol

I got that question every now and then, but I just went along with the joke and usually answered "No, we don't have any, sir." with a big smile.

[Alberta Hab Fan]

Originally posted by TheyCallMeBruce@Feb 3 2005, 09:59 PM
You should have just gave her a plain white cap and wrote "whatever" on it.

That remind me of a couple funny requests I got:

"Do you have a salary cap?"

"Do you have a handy cap?"