Doing your own thing, when you have a family

[bigtmac19]

I was just like your wife when I was first married. My husband didn't play any sports, but he was a drummer and that was his entertainment going to jam with friends whenever he could and I hated it. I caused lots of fights over that. Somehow I thought that everything he did should include me. Now that I'm older and wiser I realize that I was just insecure and pretty immature. This was before we even had kids.
I know a lot of woman change their social priorities when the kids come along, but guys don't usually think this way. It's unfortunate, and I can't really tell you how to change it. It took me a long time to wake up. Of course now that I'm not married and I have learned to be independent, I realize how ridiculous I had acted a lot of the time.
I think at this point you may have to do the compromising and maybe cut back to once a week, meanwhile spending a lot of time trying to encourage her to spend time with just you, how much you miss that time alone with her etc. It may go a long way towards helping the situation.
As much as the kids are the centre of our universe, a lot of women forget they have a husband still, and whether it's fair or not, guys still need a lot of reassurance that they are still important to you, and it's not just all about the kids. I was a prime example of this!

[Kybosh]

Originally Posted by PYroMaNiaC

To me, the whole situation actually computes to her spending every waking minute with child. She does running around, laundry, dishes, cleans toilets, entertains the little one, makes meals for you, shows concern for how your day went, makes sure your lunch is made for the next day, tries to work up the energy for sex, and still get 8 hours of sleep. She loves being a mom and a wife, but the 2 hours every night that you put in parenting, (while she does chores that can't be multi-tasked) is peanuts to the energy she puts out. And then you have the balls to ask for 2 evenings a week off? When does she get time off? (this starting to sound familiar, yet?)

She doesn't want to go out, huh? No kidding. The woman is exhausted. It takes a lot of work to find babysitters, make sure the house is in reasonable condition for a guest, get snacks ready, get emergency numbers ready, and find a few minutes to swipe mascara on her which really will not hide the fact that she prego and fat and there's nothing in her wardrobe that fits any more and makes her feel special and sexually attractive - oh and god, all those pretty girls out there without stretch marks, and their boobs still ride where God intended, and .....here comes the tears....

You know what she really wants? She wants you to come home, make dinner, do all the things she normally does after you arrive, while she soaks in the tub that you've carefully run for her. When she gets out, which will be a long time coming because you've left the latest book from her favorite author in there, there is soft music playing. You ask to have a slow dance in the living room with your beautiful partner. When you are done, you lay her back on the couch and give her a foot rub that makes her head spin. For the finale, you and her climb into bed, where you hold her only and tell her that you love her, and when your daughter cries in the night, you get out of bed right away to make sure that she doesn't wake mommy, and you make the bad guys under the bed go away.

Good Luck.

If I was smart I would save this for when I needed it . . . but I'm not. . . so I won't.

[Traditional_Ale]

Hey Stang! Had no idea you were a musician!

I totally didn't read the thread before posting.

Anyway, lets make one thing clear. Guitar is a million times cooler than soccer. Only part of her blowing up I had a problem with was making music to be somehow inferior to sports.

You could ask her how she would feel about you sitting around playing WoW with a 12-case twice a week and let her watch you get hideously overweight.

Also, maybe helping her find interests and activities while you're jamming that might require a babysitter for the kids might help her feel like the deal was fair, and she wouldn't feel like the stay-at-home mom with the kids dumped on her while her alcoholic wanna-be rockstar boyfriend is out whooping it up with his friends.

Anyway, what do you play?

[Montana Moe]

Some good advice in this thread.

My wife and I have been married for 6 years, two kids (3 and almost 2). The difference with us is that I am home with them during the day Mon.-Weds. while she's at work. I work Thurs.-Sat. so she never has the kids by herself other than Thursday and Friday evenings.

Personally, I think it comes down to making plans. I make plans to do things with guys, usually at least a week in advance. She rarely makes plans to do anything. I have never said that she couldn't do something, ever. Yet, whenever I go to do something I planned, I always get the feeling that she thinks I'm leaving her to fend for herself with the kids. Maybe I'm putting guilt on myself?

If I feel the pressure of being shamed about what I do, I remind her of all of the things I've given up since we've had kids. It usually pisses her off, but sinks in eventually. Plus, she cleans the house in a fury when she's mad at me, so that's a bonus...

[Locke]

Invite your friends over to your place to jam.

That ought to end the complaining pretty damned fast.

[photon]

Originally Posted by PYroMaNiaC

To me, the whole situation actually computes to her spending every waking minute with child. She does running around, laundry, dishes, cleans toilets, entertains the little one, makes meals for you, shows concern for how your day went, makes sure your lunch is made for the next day, tries to work up the energy for sex, and still get 8 hours of sleep. She loves being a mom and a wife, but the 2 hours every night that you put in parenting, (while she does chores that can't be multi-tasked) is peanuts to the energy she puts out. And then you have the balls to ask for 2 evenings a week off? When does she get time off? (this starting to sound familiar, yet?)

She doesn't want to go out, huh? No kidding. The woman is exhausted. It takes a lot of work to find babysitters, make sure the house is in reasonable condition for a guest, get snacks ready, get emergency numbers ready, and find a few minutes to swipe mascara on her which really will not hide the fact that she prego and fat and there's nothing in her wardrobe that fits any more and makes her feel special and sexually attractive - oh and god, all those pretty girls out there without stretch marks, and their boobs still ride where God intended, and .....here comes the tears....

You know what she really wants? She wants you to come home, make dinner, do all the things she normally does after you arrive, while she soaks in the tub that you've carefully run for her. When she gets out, which will be a long time coming because you've left the latest book from her favorite author in there, there is soft music playing. You ask to have a slow dance in the living room with your beautiful partner. When you are done, you lay her back on the couch and give her a foot rub that makes her head spin. For the finale, you and her climb into bed, where you hold her only and tell her that you love her, and when your daughter cries in the night, you get out of bed right away to make sure that she doesn't wake mommy, and you make the bad guys under the bed go away.

Good Luck.

Showoff

[Antithesis]

I don't want to make it out that you're a deadbeat at all, just asking: do you help her out around the house? How is the load in that way? How does your wife relax? Have you asked her what would help her wind down? Maybe what she wants could be you watching your daughter for a bit (yes, I know she is sleeping, but your wife can't fully relax if she is responsible for your daughter while you are out) while she relaxes in the house. My wife isn't big on going out and doing things, but she enjoys the opportunity to have a bubble bath. Something like that might help.

I know the amount of time doesn't seem like a lot, but if it seems as if there's some sort of imbalance here, every minute will become an issue.

[Dion]

All i will say is she sounds insecure. You would think couples would encourage time away from each other so the relationship doesn't become so sufficating. Time apart to explore your own interests and hobbies should be encouraged and not shunned like she is doing.

[jammies]

Originally Posted by stang

Is 6-8 hours a week to myself too much?

See, this is why I'm never getting married. The answer to this should be, "Unless you are out scoring crack or banging skanks, no, it's not."

I think the people recommending you try to understand how your wife feels and propitiate her as if she was some kind of goddess are way off base. Going out two nights out of seven is no big deal, if she doesn't want to go out that's her problem, not yours - why should you have to do all the compromising and communicating while she gets to play martyr?

Maybe she feels lonely when you're away. Maybe she's worried you're going to become a drunk. Maybe she wonders if you are *really* with the guys like you say? What difference does it make - what it comes down to is that she wants to control your behaviour, and that's not right.

I'd sit down and say, "Look, this is important to me and I don't like the way you are trying to make me guilty for doing something I enjoy; forcing me to quit is just going to make me resent you for what I see as a petty powerplay intended to show how you own me. I'll do whatever I can to give you whatever you need or desire, but I draw the line when you want to take something from me to make me unhappy."

[JiriHrdina]

I am far from an expert in stuff like this but perhaps she is jealous that you have something in your life that is 100% separate from the family, and she doesn't. But rather than finding that something in her life she's taking it out on you.

If jamming 6-8 hours a week makes you happier she should be happy you have that in your life.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by jammies

See, this is why I'm never getting married. The answer to this should be, "Unless you are out scoring crack or banging skanks, no, it's not."

I think the people recommending you try to understand how your wife feels and propitiate her as if she was some kind of goddess are way off base. Going out two nights out of seven is no big deal, if she doesn't want to go out that's her problem, not yours - why should you have to do all the compromising and communicating while she gets to play martyr?

Maybe she feels lonely when you're away. Maybe she's worried you're going to become a drunk. Maybe she wonders if you are *really* with the guys like you say? What difference does it make - what it comes down to is that she wants to control your behaviour, and that's not right.

I'd sit down and say, "Look, this is important to me and I don't like the way you are trying to make me guilty for doing something I enjoy; forcing me to quit is just going to make me resent you for what I see as a petty powerplay intended to show how you own me. I'll do whatever I can to give you whatever you need or desire, but I draw the line when you want to take something from me to make me unhappy."

Well stated and to the truth. It's a reason why i'm not married also.

A good friend of mine was married to someone like that. We basicly called her a clingon as she wouldn't let him do anything. The resentments grew and the marriage ended within a few years. The saving grace was there were no kids involved which would have made the divorce that much more difficult.

[Slava]

Maybe I'm being too simplistic here, but I can sure see the guys posting who have no kids Vs. the ones that have kids! There is a definite give and take; its tough for both parents to get out of the house at the same time. So while a couple of nights is no big deal without kids, it gets to be a bigger deal with kids.

I'm out all the time. It gets on my wife's nerves for sure...and I can see her point. There is no easy solution here. Frankly the stuff that Pyromaniac posted is not a solution to me...its more of an admission of guilt! I encourage my wife to go out with her friends and I go out with mine. Sometimes its good to have the two of us home after the kids are in bed even if we are just hanging out together. Occasionally we get a chance to go out together. That is the decision you make when you have kids though, and it really comes down to balance and communication.

Congrats on the 2nd child! It gets rather difficult when the second one enters the picture, but then gets better as time goes on!

[stang]

Originally Posted by Ice

I think you need to discover what her real problem is with you going out. Is it that she's with your child all day and craves some adult conversation and you're not there? Does she feel you're choosing your friends over her and your kid? Do you snore louder because you've been drinking so she's not sleeping as well those nights? It could be anything, and the only way to fix it is to figure out EXACTLY what her issue is with it. If she thinks you're gone too much during the week, compromising to one night is a no brainer.

She says I wake her up when I get home and she has trouble falling asleep....so maybe

Originally Posted by PYroMaNiaC

To me, the whole situation actually computes to her spending every waking minute with child. She does running around, laundry, dishes, cleans toilets, entertains the little one, makes meals for you, shows concern for how your day went, makes sure your lunch is made for the next day, tries to work up the energy for sex, and still get 8 hours of sleep. She loves being a mom and a wife, but the 2 hours every night that you put in parenting, (while she does chores that can't be multi-tasked) is peanuts to the energy she puts out. And then you have the balls to ask for 2 evenings a week off? When does she get time off? (this starting to sound familiar, yet?)

She doesn't want to go out, huh? No kidding. The woman is exhausted. It takes a lot of work to find babysitters, make sure the house is in reasonable condition for a guest, get snacks ready, get emergency numbers ready, and find a few minutes to swipe mascara on her which really will not hide the fact that she prego and fat and there's nothing in her wardrobe that fits any more and makes her feel special and sexually attractive - oh and god, all those pretty girls out there without stretch marks, and their boobs still ride where God intended, and .....here comes the tears....

You know what she really wants? She wants you to come home, make dinner, do all the things she normally does after you arrive, while she soaks in the tub that you've carefully run for her. When she gets out, which will be a long time coming because you've left the latest book from her favorite author in there, there is soft music playing. You ask to have a slow dance in the living room with your beautiful partner. When you are done, you lay her back on the couch and give her a foot rub that makes her head spin. For the finale, you and her climb into bed, where you hold her only and tell her that you love her, and when your daughter cries in the night, you get out of bed right away to make sure that she doesn't wake mommy, and you make the bad guys under the bed go away.

Good Luck.

Read below

Originally Posted by Antithesis

I don't want to make it out that you're a deadbeat at all, just asking: do you help her out around the house? How is the load in that way? How does your wife relax? Have you asked her what would help her wind down? Maybe what she wants could be you watching your daughter for a bit.

FTR I work shift work (7 on 7 off 12 hours days 6-6)

So I make decent coin, and I am home more then half the year. I stay at home with our 2 year old on my days off, and she has a mon-friday job that she loves.

I pull my share of the housework (laundry, cooking, cleaning) as I am home more during the day. She does her share too, because when I am on shift she does the cooking as she gets home first.

I bathe, and put our daughter to sleep when I am home too. I always put my family first, and give up lots of stuff (I feel anyways) for them and I dont mind at all. (as I am sure she does to)

And to whoever said I am out in a bar drinking. NOT true. I am in a Garage with 2 other guys just playing instruments. I live out of town (about 10 minutes) so I always drive, so I never have more then 2 beers. (and usually only one)

[PYroMaNiaC]

Originally Posted by jammies

See, this is why I'm never getting married. The answer to this should be, "Unless you are out scoring crack or banging skanks, no, it's not."

I think the people recommending you try to understand how your wife feels and propitiate her as if she was some kind of goddess are way off base. Going out two nights out of seven is no big deal, if she doesn't want to go out that's her problem, not yours - why should you have to do all the compromising and communicating while she gets to play martyr?

Maybe she feels lonely when you're away. Maybe she's worried you're going to become a drunk. Maybe she wonders if you are *really* with the guys like you say? What difference does it make - what it comes down to is that she wants to control your behaviour, and that's not right.

I'd sit down and say, "Look, this is important to me and I don't like the way you are trying to make me guilty for doing something I enjoy; forcing me to quit is just going to make me resent you for what I see as a petty powerplay intended to show how you own me. I'll do whatever I can to give you whatever you need or desire, but I draw the line when you want to take something from me to make me unhappy."

The reason you're not ever getting married is because you're thinking only of yourself. That'll never fly in a marriage as there are two people involved in one of these.

If she spends all her time trying to make his life comfortable with meals, cleanliness, offspring, sex, and he spends all his time sleeping, eating, sex and jamming, who is not the equal partner? Him, because she's trying, in her own inexperienced way, to ask for some of his attention?

No, she's not lonely. No, she's not worried, unless he's giving her reason to be worried. No, she most likely doesn't care or want to stop him jammin' with the guys. The fight she's picked has very little to do with him hanging out with the guys. Gawd.

What she wants is to feel equally important as jammin'. That means 6-8 hours of his time dedicated to her. For her. She wants to know that she's special, loved, and beautiful. That he understands her, gets what she does in a day, appreciates all that she brings to his life.

This is entirely win-win for him. He does this for her and then, not only is he encouraged to go out and jam, but he'll get extra special sandwiches in his lunch, and extra special sex, and he'll get extra special good will from her for when he really needs it.

2 nights jammin'
2 nights for her
3 nights for kids

Perfect.

[stang]

I am the lefty...

[Dion]

Originally Posted by Slava

Maybe I'm being too simplistic here, but I can sure see the guys posting who have no kids Vs. the ones that have kids! There is a definite give and take; its tough for both parents to get out of the house at the same time. So while a couple of nights is no big deal without kids, it gets to be a bigger deal with kids.

My sister and her husband have no problems doing thier own thing while raising 2 kids. One stayed home while the other was out and it was reciprocated when the other went out. Both are independant and encourage each other to be that way.

[photon]

Like what religion the kids should be raised, I think this is another one of those issues that should be talked about before people get married.

Hard to know it'll be an issue before experiencing it as an issue though.

I think the most important thing is to keep talking about it. Get a 3rd party to help (family therapist or something). People think a therapist is only for the real big problems, but they can be great for stuff like this where the root cause is probably not anything significant, but maybe hard to find, or maybe she doesn't even know. A therapist is good because one can often say things to them that they don't feel comfortable to say directly to their spouse.

(Really good friends can do this too).

[Locke]

"We own your soul, all your life are belong to us! Prepare to be assimilated into the Family Collective. Resistance is Futile."

[troutman]

Beth I hear you calling
But I can't come home right now
Because me and the boys will be playing
All night

[OilersBaby]

Ive been married for 4.5 years right now, but I dont have kids......however, if my husband went out twice a week for pretty much the whole evening and I was pregnant, I might be a little upset. Ive been around a lot of my friends whove gone through the pregnancy thing and I think they need their partners.....Im not saying that pregnant women are needy..but she's carrying your child. Dont fight with her now!

I think if I wasn't pregnant, I would appreciate it if he would return the favor and let me go out a couple nights with my friends too....

My husband and I do this but we each do 1 night a week and it works well since it allows each one of us to have "me" time.....it's healthy for a relationship to be away from each other except for when your'e at work. It's important to have your own hobbies/friends.......but right now she's pregnant and tired and you should be there for her...go out once a week instead of twice, its okay to compromise.