Disciplining young children

[redforever]

Originally Posted by calculoso
This is a great point and struck home with me. With my step-kids, one of whom in particular seems to be exceedingly spoiled (Grumpy, disobedient, etc unless she is getting her way) and I've started taking away things to discipline. For example, if she hasn't done her homework then her access to a tv gets taken away. With reading the above, it's bordering on being controlling.

Where is the dividing line between discipline and being controlling?

It's hard...

In response to your question, here is what Galakanosis posted earlier..

We have a 13 year old and the first 6 years were easy compared to what you have to worry about now.

When he was young I used to get all kinds of compliments about how polite and nice he was especially around adults. (His mom was 16 when she had him and I came in the picture two years later so he was around a lot of older people often). Now he is the most rude and inconsiderate little smuck I have ever met. He thinks everybody owes him something!

He walked out of a store and completely cut off an old lady walking into the store and didn't stop to see if she was fine or say sorry. I was so made and completely embarrassed. I yelled so loud at him that he damn near shat his pants. Of course I made him go back and apologize to the lady and ask if there is anything he could for her to make up for his boneheadedness? He spent the next 45 minutes walking behind in the grocery store holding onto her basket and fetching things off the shelf.

Now that is discipline. The punishment was immediate. He stopped his son in his tracks when the transgression occurred and had his son make amends immediately. And by the time his son had helped the elderly woman get her groceries for 45 minutes, one would hope the son learned the appropriate behaviour to his elders. In other words, he told his son what he did wrong and showed him how to do it right.

Now it sounds like the son is a handful, you might not see results immediately, but quite often, once they get through these miserable teenage years, they become totally different people and you actually see that your time was not wasted. We have to be patient too and can't just give up on our children immediately. Yes, some children never learn, always some bad apples, but by and large, most children turn out ok.

Now on the other hand, Galakanos could have punished by perhaps grounding his son, taking away internet and cell phone, something along those lines. But if that punishment is not accompanied by some lesson as to why the punishment was enforced, then all you are doing is controlling your child for the period the punishment was enstated.

I see actions accompanied by some lesson addressing the situation as discipline. On the other hand, I see actions that do not address the reason for punishment as just a means of controlling the child.