Successful Marriage Criteria: 90% Marry Once

[Iowa_Flames_Fan]

Originally Posted by jolinar of malkshor

I have not made any opinion so not sure where your getting your info. I simply stated the results of the survey. You need to read the posts.

Really?

Originally Posted by jolinar of malkshor

the facts show that his position is not the one that should be taken.

Isn't that an opinion--and a rather strongly worded one at that? Seems to me that the second quote is the core of the problem, though. Edit for clarity: what I mean is that it seems like you think habernac's opinion is morally wrong--and that this is the problem for you: not that his opinion is different from that presented by a single study.

[jolinar of malkshor]

Originally Posted by Iowa_Flames_Fan

Really?



Isn't that an opinion--and a rather strongly worded one at that? Seems to me that the second quote is the core of the problem, though.

No it's not an opinion it's a statement based on information from the study. One can make a statement without it being their opinion.

If it went the other way I would have waid the same thing but in reverse.

My personal opinion is one should live together first before getting married so you can see what you are getting into. I have done this. I am actually quite suprised at the study.

[MolsonInBothHands]

Originally Posted by jolinar of malkshor

Personal opinions do not equate to personal experience. You go on to preach that he has a the right to a personal opinion, no problem with that. I never said he didn't. I simple stated that the evidence the study found contradicted what he was suggesting as best practice and HE got defensive and said "and I'm saying I'd never want to do that. What part of that did you miss?"

He was the one who started getting defensive.

I have not made any opinion so not sure where your getting your info. I simply stated the results of the survey. You need to read the posts.

"Never the less my point in saying that the facts show that his position is not the one that should be taken."

Sounds like opinion to me. Maybe you should re-read some posts.

Back on topic. I believe in the advantages of living together before marriage so much, that I would encourage my children to do it through their engagement. There are so many things you can discover only by living with a person that can completely change or strengthen your decision. I wouldn't enter a life long vow not having the full story.

[jolinar of malkshor]

Originally Posted by MolsonInBothHands

"Never the less my point in saying that the facts show that his position is not the one that should be taken."

Sounds like opinion to me. Maybe you should re-read some posts.

Back on topic. I believe in the advantages of living together before marriage so much, that I would encourage my children to do it through their engagement. There are so many things you can discover only by living with a person that can completely change or strengthen your decision. I wouldn't enter a life long vow not having the full story.

I know what your saying, but also on the other side of the coin, maybe by living together there is more pressure to get married when someone shouldn't.

[FireFly]

Originally Posted by Cheese

then you find out he squeezes the toothpaste in the middle and leaves his underwear hanging off your bedpost....D I V O R C E...lawyers love it.

Meh. You can't let the little things bother you, that's what work and compromise are about. And if you can't figure that out when you visit his house/apartment, you're not a very observant person.

[V]

Originally Posted by MolsonInBothHands

I wouldn't enter a life long vow not having the full story.

I'm not sure how living together for a year gives you the 'full story' on how a lifelong committment is going to go. It's only a year.

[Cube Inmate]

Originally Posted by Buff

People move in together with the thought that if it doesn't work out they can break up. People don't get married thinking that maybe they'll get a divorce in a couple of years and see what else is on the market. Marriage is more final. "Till death do us part".

How do you know what people think?

Your position does have some merit.... I've heard of people who had huge conflicts during the first years of their cohabitation and stuck it out only because they were married. These same people did indeed get over their troubles, largely because they had greater motivation to do so than the unmarried kind.

I've also heard of the opposite, where the shocking lifestyle change after marriage was too much to handle. Personally, I'm glad I shacked up with my (now) fiance for 18 months before poppin' the question. The fact that I was getting the milk for free did nothing to discourage me from "buying the cow" (and I sincerely hope she ain't reading this!)

I don't know where you get off calling one method a "cop-out" when it's really none of your business what other people do. It sounds to me like you're opposed to "living in sin" on moral grounds. Is that the case? I'll reserve the rest of my comments until I get a yes/no.

[tvp2003]

My first thought is: what about the stat I hear that 50% of marriages end up in divorce? Are the 10% who get married more than once having like 4-5 divorces each?

Originally Posted by Bend it like Bourgeois

Marriage is not something you're 'stuck-in' but something you choose to stick with.

I think living together is some people's way of saying they're not prepared to make that choice until they see if it's too hard. I'm not sure that works for most.

In fairness, 'I do' is probably barely a better indication of commitment. But it's the commitment that matters, not the adjustment.

I completely agree with this... something I learned very early on is that marriage is work (I'm sure most people would agree). However, it should be work that's worth doing (something that you're willing to stick with), not work that drives you insane (although once in awhile is understandable)

To the people think they HAVE to live together before you are willing to get married: I can understand why someone would think that, but IMO (and based on my own singular experience), stuff like leaving the toilet seat up, toothpaste on the counter, clothes on the floor, etc. are not reasons to get divorced/not get married in the first place. If things like that are a problem in the relationship and the reason why you don't 'mesh', then you have no business getting married. I've only been married for a few years, but if you're in a good relationship, stupid little things like that shouldn't matter anymore. Things like financial planning and other money matters... those are the real marriage/relationship killers, but they can and should be talked about beforehand (regardless of whether you're living together or not)... just my $0.02.

I won't touch the religion thing... let's just say there are good and bad regardless of what you do on Sunday (or Friday, or whatever).

[goaliegirl]

In my case only 2 of the things on that list applies to me and 1 not in context me and my husband have been together for 11 yrs

Married in their 30s. I was 23 and he was 25
Did not live together in a common-law relationship before wedding. lived common law 8 yrs
Had children. Have 2 with one on the way ,had the first 2 before wedding
Attended religious services. No
Were university educated. no
Believed that marriage was important for happiness.Yes
It dosent hold true for my parents either they have been married for 27 yrs married at 18 and 19 lived together didnt attend church,were not U educated but did believe marriage was important for happiness.
I really think it depends on the couple and how hard they are willing to work to make their marriage work.

[calf]

Originally Posted by socalwingfan

Married in their 30s.
I was 26 - wife 18

how long did you date/were you engaged before getting married?

[FireFly]

Originally Posted by tvp2003

My first thought is: what about the stat I hear that 50% of marriages end up in divorce? Are the 10% who get married more than once having like 4-5 divorces each?

That stat can be manipulated to anyone's advantage. If there are 5000 marriages this year, and 2500 divorces, they whip that one out. But that doesn't take into consideration all the people previously married.

[duncan]

Originally Posted by I-Hate-Hulse

Some interesting fodder for those in relationships, or contemplating the plunge.....

Almost 90 per cent of married Canadians have been wed only once, says the study in the Canadian Social Trends survey, released Wednesday by Statistics Canada.

According to the study, first marriages were more likely to succeed if the couples:

• Married in their 30s.
• Did not live together in a common-law relationship before wedding.
• Had children.
• Attended religious services.
• Were university educated.
• Believed that marriage was important for happiness.

Three key factors influenced the durability of marriages: the ages of the bride and groom, the length of the marriage itself and how committed a person was to the institution of marriage.

http://www.cbc.ca/story/canada/natio...ge-survey.html

The not living common-law one is interesting to me... I thought that would have been an advantage. I think there's another study that says it depends if the common law thing is done for economics or an eye towards marriage that has a greater impact. Apparently if you've got your eye towards marriage you'll develop conflict resolution mechanisms, whereas if it's just for economics you won't bother to.

Funny things about studies, it all depends on the control group.
My place of business, there are 15 staff on my distinct unit, 10 males and 5 females;

5 are on 2nd marriages
4 are currently divorced
4 are on their 1st marriage
2 have never been married

therefore this study group, only 66% have been married once.

My first wife and I never lived together, she was from a religious family, and had post-secondary education. No kids and early 20's though. Marriage lasted 14 hellacious months. We moved in together, and found out we couldn't live together.
My last wife (she might read this) and I lived together during our engagement, not religious, post-secondary education, 2 kids. 10 happy years and counting.

[arsenal]

All that is needed for a successful marriage is the ability for 2 people to be able put up with each other, have a similar beleif system, and have similar goals in life.

[flmsfan2004]

I remember talking about this in one of my previous soci courses. Basically, people who live together before marriage have a different mentality from people who don't. Mainly, those who cohabitate before marriage are generally more liberal in attitudes as opposed to more traditional 'waiting till marriage' people. These days people are waiting longer to get married. Instead of getting married right away, couples often cohabitate or live as 'common law.'


Quote from the article U.VA Economists Challenge Notion that Living together befoer marriage leads to divorce
"Others use a cohabitation period to learn more about their partners," Stern says. "If, once they've learned more, they find they have a good match, they marry; otherwise, they separate without incurring large divorce costs. On average, their matches are not as good and they have higher divorce rates."

From Cnn story Study:Living together may lead to breakups
"It may not be the experience of cohabiting but the people who cohabit," said William Mosher.
"What we're saying about that is that we think that couples who cohabit before marriage may have different values than couples who do not," he said.
Couples who live together before marriage may be the type of people who are "more likely to consider divorce," he explained.

[HalifaxDrunk]

Married in their 30s. - I was 26 she was 25
Did not live together in a common-law relationship before wedding. We did not live together
Had children. 1st child due in November
Attended religious services. Yes
Were university educated. Yes, both of us.
Believed that marriage was important for happiness. Sure ( I don't think I've ever thought about it before).

My wife and I didn’t want to live together before marriage. While dating we did visit each other, therefore we had an idea how we lived. I knew she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle (I still have to fix the tube now and then), and she knows I leave the seat up (what can I say, I'm a guy). The important thing is we took the time to get to really know each other. End of story. When we were married there was some adjusting, but there was nothing I could have learned if I lived with her first.

Some people need to live together to “really” get to know each other, we didn’t. This was just a study, not the law. Every situation is different.

When we got married it was exciting to finally move in together. For us marriage was a life changing event rather than just getting a ring and having her change her last name (that how my brother felt, see below).

Living apart worked for us as we have been happily married 7 years this September. Living together worked for my bother and his wife. They lived together for 4 years before getting married and they are still happy on year 9 and have 2 girls.

Different strokes.....

[socalwingfan]

Originally Posted by calf

how long did you date/were you engaged before getting married?

My mistake I was a year off - my wife was 19, I was 27 when we got married. We dated for about a year and a half - I met her at SAIT (she graduated from high school early) - so I wasn't trolling high schools like it originally sounded.

[habernac]

Originally Posted by socalwingfan

My mistake I was a year off - my wife was 19, I was 27 when we got married. We dated for about a year and a half - I met her at SAIT (she graduated from high school early) - so I wasn't trolling high schools like it originally sounded.

LOL! My wife and I have the same age difference as you two. We started dating when I was 28 and she was 20.

[Buff]

Originally Posted by socalwingfan

My mistake I was a year off - my wife was 19, I was 27 when we got married. We dated for about a year and a half - I met her at SAIT (she graduated from high school early) - so I wasn't trolling high schools like it originally sounded.

You forgot when you got married? Sheesh, I never have that problem. (We had the date and our names engraved on the inside or our rings)

[Reaper]

Originally Posted by Buff

It shows a reluctance to commit.

My wife and I lived together before we were married. However, we were engaged with a date set before co-habitating. Was living together before we were married a cop out? No. Did it show a reluctance to commit? Nope.

[Buff]

Originally Posted by Cube Inmate

I don't know where you get off calling one method a "cop-out" when it's really none of your business what other people do. It sounds to me like you're opposed to "living in sin" on moral grounds. Is that the case? I'll reserve the rest of my comments until I get a yes/no.

Both. Only a small sampling of my friends who lived with their other half before marriage are still married. There once was a time when I wasn't opposed to it, but now I think it is a bad idea based on observations and my rediscovered religious beliefs.