Family Issues

[Hockeyguy15]

Sounds like you really don't need to make an effort for your sister or brother in law.

From the sounds of it your parents are good people since they help raise your son, but they are really in a tight spot and I don't blame them for not wanting to pick sides. You have a fiance and another kid and are happy now, so why bother with the people who make you unhappy.

If you feel like going for coffee with your sister and brother in law from time to time then I would say go for it, but I wouldn't say that it would be something you should make an effort to do. Don't plan the coffee and don't call them, if they call you and ask to go then it's up to you to go if you want.

[BOSSY]

Love your parents, love your son, move on with your life and don' look back... Be proud of the new life that you have built and if they come back into your life you can decide if you want them back in it or not...

[CaptainCrunch]

Just because you have nothing to do with a family member doesn't mean that you don't love them.

If they're causing that kind of drama and mental stress then you have to at least for now remove them from your life.

I went for a couple of years without talking to one of my sisters because I didn't like how she treated me or my parents.

I went for years without talking to my dad and basically ignoring him.

My dad dropped his brothers about 50 years ago and was better for it.

Believe it or not the romantic picture of working hard to keep family together or fixing family members is a falicy, the members of your family are people with flaws and personalities and sometimes they just don't fit with your life, there's no hard and fast rule that you have to carry on the relationship even though its singularly one sided and from what it sounds like bad for you and with little to no benefit.

Simply thank them for their feedback and their interaction into the situation with your ex, then tell them not to call, write, try to visit because you have to do what's best for you. Then get up and walk away, hopefully with some cool theme music (I recocommend the theme from the old incredibly Hulk T.V. show)

If they want to repair things with you, then they have to make the effort first and not you.

[Minnie]

I come from a really ####ty family background. My parents were very abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally) and they worked all us kids against each other, very hard, all our lives. It very nearly ruined things completely between all of us siblings. Two years ago, my mother dropped herself into a major mess and in all of us trying to help her get out of it (my dad passed in '02), a whole lot of truths came out, and the evidence of the vast manipulation and jacking up of of our sibling relationships came to light - they were trying to keep us from comparing notes and realizing how f'd up they were, the abuse being leveled and to keep us from getting out from under it, and from dropping them in it with Social Services and the police.

That led to a lot of discussion finally, amongst all of us siblings. Things will never be what they could have been, due to all the machinations, but we're getting there. It led to me cutting my mother out of my life for good. Different situation than yours, but I do have a point.

The point of all this is to say, what I've learned is that I didn't need to pursue their (anyone's) affection or permission or acceptance of me - it certainly wasn't making me happy or healthy. I am a perfectly good person, worth knowing. It doesn't need to be a one way street. If you want to be a part of my life, there has to be work on your part also. When I stopped chasing them, it made a huge difference in my life. It's what you're doing with your sister - chasing her acceptance, her love, all that.

Don't. Don't do it anymore. Your sister should have offered you her support long ago, and she's failed to do that, time and time again. I find her continued relationship with your ex rather disturbing, in light of what she's done - and not just to you, clearly she has a track record of similar behavior. I can understand not wanting to be rude or whatever, but that's entirely possible to do without the sort of things she seems to get up to with your ex and her new husband.

I read this a while ago and I think it's a good quote for your situation:

Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself. - Daniell Koepke

[lazypucker]

Just a quick question - how's your sister and her husband treat you normally?

If they are treating you with respect all the time rather than that 1 or 2 week period when you ex rolls into town, I think you should just let it go and take a mental vacation for that period (I know it will be difficult).

If they are treating you like sh*t all the time, then why bother associating with them still? I mean just ignore them from now on and disassciate with them.

Have you addressed your concerns to them openly? Tell them that you f-ing hate them valuing your ex more than her own brother?

You can choose your friends, you can even choose your spouse, but you can't choose your family!!

[northcrunk]

I would cut her out of your life and while you are at it take your parents to court for custody if they will not let you take care of your own kid now. If not rotten fish in the a/c unit works wonders.

[undercoverbrother]

You need to do what is best for you and you family.

It is only a fluke of the universe that you are related. I have not spoken to my sister in 5 years and didn't even tell her I was moving.

My life has been the better for that decisiojn.

In short

You can make any decision you want, if you can deal with the consequences.

Good Luck to you.

[dissentowner]

Originally Posted by northcrunk

I would cut her out of your life and while you are at it take your parents to court for custody if they will not let you take care of your own kid now. If not rotten fish in the a/c unit works wonders.

It is not an issue of them not letting me have my son, it is where he wants to be.
I have custody of my son but I understand he is comfortable there. That is his choice.

[bubbsy]

wow....

I actually give you a lot of credit for even maintaining a relationship with your sister/bro-inlaw. If you have been big enough to do so through so much and let it slide (something i don't believe i would have been able to do), i think you'll be able to get over this smaller, more recent issue.

However, if it's something that's been lingering for a long time and this was the "straw that broke the camel's back" then i think it might be time for some distance. Give yourself some time away, which i think helps a person put things into perspective and realize how they want to proceed (ie. letting cooler heads prevail)

[dissentowner]

Anyhow we talked, it is done. I told them on the phone how I felt, they accused me of trying to "guilt" them into doing something they don't want to do. F them, I am done with them.

[Peanut]

Sounds like there is a lot going on and I'm not going to weigh in on much. The only thing I noticed is the theme that this woman "ruined your life" cropped up more than once. I don't want this to come out the wrong way but... This all went down in 2005? And you still hold on to her "ruining your life" at the end of 2013? And the fact that your family members stay in touch with the mother of your child doesn't seem outrageous to me, even if she did hurt you deeply back in 2005. But IMO, it's time to let the "she ruined my life" rhetoric go. She cheated on you. It's devastating, yes (believe me, I know). But it happens to people all the time, marriages end, it's really not unique. And it only "ruins your life" if you let it.

[northcrunk]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

It is not an issue of them not letting me have my son, it is where he wants to be.
I have custody of my son but I understand he is comfortable there. That is his choice.

If that's his choice and it is the best situation for him (parents are not too old, able to play and deal with raising a special needs child) then that's good.

About your sister though in my experience people who continue to be close to cheaters who have cheated on a family member or friend are usually just the same as the cheater. I wouldn't be surprised if she is out with your ex partying cheating on your brother in law and that is why she keeps her around. Cheating is easier if you have someone to cover for you.

[Northendzone]

wow that is terrible of your sister to make that choice. i would not have a blow out with them, just shut it down quietly. when they want to get together, be busy etc. Make sure you take care of your son, and try and teach him about how normal relationships work. Given your sister lack of support for her family, i am not sure she should have much direct interaction with your child......

Hopefully one day this mess gets cleaned up......i could not imagine my sister choosing my ex over me - regardless of the amount of water under the bridge.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

Anyhow we talked, it is done. I told them on the phone how I felt, they accused me of trying to "guilt" them into doing something they don't want to do. F them, I am done with them.

wait, going for coffee is something that you're "guilting" them into doing?

While I've been posting from the devil's advocate position, your answers were good. It sounds like walking away isn't a bad idea.

That doesn't mean you have to tell them off, but the phone calls, the coffee, everything stops and move on.

Good luck.

This community is very supportive. If you ever need anything I can do (I have no idea what that could be from across the country) but by all means send me a PM.


Realistically, moving out of the basement apartment of the house you shared with your ex is also a good move.

My only advice from this point is to try and not be angry. At your sister, brother-in-law, ex, parents, etc. The anger only hurts you. Move on, focus on the things that bring joy in your life, your fiance, children, the Flames... well maybe not the Flames but Calgary Puck.

[Puppet Guy]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

Anyhow we talked, it is done. I told them on the phone how I felt, they accused me of trying to "guilt" them into doing something they don't want to do. F them, I am done with them.

Keep your head held high.

[dissentowner]

Thanks all for the feedback. CP is awesome!

[CaptainCrunch]

Now that you've done the first step (announced disassociation, you have to be prepared to live with the consequences). You are now whether its true or not the villain in this piece .

Trust me I know

first thing that usually happens is another family member decides to fix it and tries to get you in a room with the other party for the whole frank discussion.

If you stick to the separation concept and say, screw it, I ain't going, you will get totally blasted by the so called injured party. This is called trial in absentia

If you go, you will be treated as the villain because you cut them off while they will take the position that they tried to work things out. It might not be true, but you will be completely blamed for the entire situation.

At some point you will be emotionally blackmailed. Ie look at what its doing to your mother or father, you're making them stressed because of your selfish attitude and your pride. Trust me, this happens and its huge. Even if you go and talk to your parents constantly and they deny stress, this will be used against you and it will be horrible.

Finally, chances are the authority figure in the family mother or father will invite you out for a coffee and a frank talk. They will batter you and threaten you and try to appeal to you with the argument that its you that's tearing the family apart. The threats will be terrible, frankly my parents threatened to disassociate from me if I didn't sit down with my sister and make an attempt to bend and fix the relationship. I refused

The worst is the special holidays guilt trip that you're going to be hit with.

However I will state that if they are causing you this level of stress, if they are hurting you, then you have to decide what your breaking point is in making the effort to patch things up for the good of the family, and if its something that you actually want to do.

You've seen that this whole process has already started with the guilt phrase.

Prepare to jump on board the good ship SS you are a lousy family member and a jerk, you're destination is the Port on No Hope because you're splitting up your family and hurting everyone. Its a long and lonely trip that will either end with you dashed and broken on a rocky shore. Or you areabandoned on a island by yourself with a bottle of rum and a pistol with a single shot, and its up to you to decide if you want to leave that Island and move on or not.

[dissentowner]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

Now that you've done the first step (announced disassociation, you have to be prepared to live with the consequences). You are now whether its true or not the villain in this piece .

Trust me I know

first thing that usually happens is another family member decides to fix it and tries to get you in a room with the other party for the whole frank discussion.

If you stick to the separation concept and say, screw it, I ain't going, you will get totally blasted by the so called injured party. This is called trial in absentia

If you go, you will be treated as the villain because you cut them off while they will take the position that they tried to work things out. It might not be true, but you will be completely blamed for the entire situation.

At some point you will be emotionally blackmailed. Ie look at what its doing to your mother or father, your making them stressed because of your selfish attitude and your pride. Trust me, this happens and its huge. Even if you go and talk to your parents constantly and they deny stress, this will be used against you and it will be horrible.

Finally, chances are the authority figure in the family mother or father will invite you out for a coffee and a frank talk. They will batter you and threaten you and try to appeal to you with the argument that its you that's tearing the family apart. The threats will be terrible, frankly my parents threatened to disassociate from me if I didn't sit down with my sister and make an attempt to bend and fix the relationship.

The worst is the special holidays guilt trip that your going to be hit with.

However I will state that if they are causing you this level of stress, if they are hurting you, then you have to decide what your breaking point is in making the effort to patch things up for the good of the family, and if its something that you actually want to do.

You've seen that this whole process has already started with the guilt phrase.

Prepare to jump on board the good ship SS you are a lousy family member and a jerk, you're destination is the Port on No Hope because you're splitting up your family and hurting everyone. Its a long and lonely trip that will either end with you dashed and broken on a rocky shore. Or you abandoned on a island by yourself with a bottle of rum and a pistol with a single shot, and its up to you to decide if you want to leave that Island and move on or not.

I don't know about that, I talked with my mom about what was said and she already knew how I felt and both my parents say they don't blame me at all and that my sister obviously has "something wrong in her head".

[northcrunk]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

Now that you've done the first step (announced disassociation, you have to be prepared to live with the consequences). You are now whether its true or not the villain in this piece .

Trust me I know

first thing that usually happens is another family member decides to fix it and tries to get you in a room with the other party for the whole frank discussion.

If you stick to the separation concept and say, screw it, I ain't going, you will get totally blasted by the so called injured party. This is called trial in absentia

If you go, you will be treated as the villain because you cut them off while they will take the position that they tried to work things out. It might not be true, but you will be completely blamed for the entire situation.

At some point you will be emotionally blackmailed. Ie look at what its doing to your mother or father, your making them stressed because of your selfish attitude and your pride. Trust me, this happens and its huge. Even if you go and talk to your parents constantly and they deny stress, this will be used against you and it will be horrible.

Finally, chances are the authority figure in the family mother or father will invite you out for a coffee and a frank talk. They will batter you and threaten you and try to appeal to you with the argument that its you that's tearing the family apart. The threats will be terrible, frankly my parents threatened to disassociate from me if I didn't sit down with my sister and make an attempt to bend and fix the relationship.

The worst is the special holidays guilt trip that your going to be hit with.

However I will state that if they are causing you this level of stress, if they are hurting you, then you have to decide what your breaking point is in making the effort to patch things up for the good of the family, and if its something that you actually want to do.

You've seen that this whole process has already started with the guilt phrase.

Prepare to jump on board the good ship SS you are a lousy family member and a jerk, you're destination is the Port on No Hope because you're splitting up your family and hurting everyone. Its a long and lonely trip that will either end with you dashed and broken on a rocky shore. Or you abandoned on a island by yourself with a bottle of rum and a pistol with a single shot, and its up to you to decide if you want to leave that Island and move on or not.

We basicly found out my mother in law is a little s$$$ disturber who causes drama everytime my wife gets close to her sister. She decided to call them out on their crap and cut them off and they must have heard we were doing so because they called and left a voicemail saying your parents are dead to you as of so and so time and date blah blah. The next week was my daughters 1st birthday and guess who wasn't invited and told not to show their face at my place ever again.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by DuffMan

Don't put people on pedestals.

I dont know....does it rotate? It'd be sweet if it rotated....