Parental financial help for adult children...

[V]

Originally Posted by Derek Sutton

Just curious but do you think your In Laws helping your Sister Inlaw really helps or would not giving her anything help her out more?

I ask this because My Grandparents died dirt poor because they were always "helping out" one of their sons, they simply didn't know any different. Really giving him money was zero help to him, the help he needed was a wake call every morning, a ride to work and a ride home. When they died and there was no money left he just ended up in jail for even longer then normal.

Her husband walked out on her and her 5 kids with nary a warning. It's not like this help is enabling her to live some kind of slacker life.

I hear what you're saying, but this case is not one of those cases.

[onetwo_threefour]

Originally Posted by Bunk

I understand some student debt depending on circumstance, but I've never understood why so many people fall into such huge debt going through school. It's not that hard to find part time work during school and a decent summer job. I found that was more than enough to pay for tuition, accommodation and most of the travel back and forth between home and school (parents paid for a portion of flights) over 5 years of undergrad and 2 years of grad school.

Took a year off between undergrad and grad school to work to save up a bit of money. Had a small scholarship for the first year, but not much else to speak of.

That said, post secondary education is getting more and more expensive so we do have an RESP set up for our little one. But we'll still expect her to work throughout university to pay most of her own way.

I worked full time through both my degrees, but a good chunk of that was in a restaurant kitchen job with no tip out and I did not have the option of living at home or getting any money from family at all. My student loans covered my books, materials and tuition, but really didn't cover much of food, rent, transit passes, and associated costs of school. I didn't live large, no travelling, limited partying, no big ticket purchases other than computers and a modest engagement ring for my wife. I was certainly one of the many 'under-employed' which has a lot to do with my large debt load.

Anyway, I don't want to derail, just wanted to mention address the question.

[Discoste]

It can also be a two-way street. I've helped my parents by helping top-up their RRSP, or loaning them money to re-do the roof.

They took care of me, so I should do the same later on in their lives.

[AR_Six]

My dad helped me move after university - paid for the u-haul, bought a bunch of new stuff like dishes and a couple mirrors and basic living stuff for my new place in Calgary. He's also bought me a couple of plane tickets now and again. Usually it's just a thing where he'll put it on his own credit card.

[squiggs96]

Originally Posted by pylon

LOL, I just went through this. My folks took me on an all expenses paid trip with them to Hawaii in November, and man did it feel awkward accepting the money, because I didn't need it. I kept trying to fight it, and give them the money for my share, and it actually caused more tension, than graciously accepting the gift. The were offended I didn't want to let them pay. But sometimes parents just refuse to hear no.

Anyway, we had such an awesome time, I already booked and paid for the condo for all of us again for this coming November. So in your face suckers. Payback is a bitch!

I always feel awkward when my mom sends me money at Christmas or my birthday. In my current house, we don't celebrate those events with gifts, but my mom always wants to send me a cheque to buy myself "something nice". She's been retired for years and her pension is probably a third of my salary. At one point I didn't cash the cheques because I didn't want to accept her money. She called me to say how bad it made her feel that I didn't accept her present, so every time I get one now I say thank you, put it in the bank and tell her it went towards something that I just bought.

[undercoverbrother]

Originally Posted by squiggs96

I always feel awkward when my mom sends me money at Christmas or my birthday. In my current house, we don't celebrate those events with gifts, but my mom always wants to send me a cheque to buy myself "something nice". She's been retired for years and her pension is probably a third of my salary. At one point I didn't cash the cheques because I didn't want to accept her money. She called me to say how bad it made her feel that I didn't accept her present, so every time I get one now I say thank you, put it in the bank and tell her it went towards something that I just bought.

My mom and I had this fight this year. I suggest she donate the money in my name to a charity. She ended buying a goat for a village in Africa, I think.

I figure that is she demands to spend money on me, someone that needs it may as well gain from it.

[Buff]

My wife's parents pay for my sister-in-law's... well, everything. House, car, child care, etc. etc. Pretty much everything. When they pass away, we are screwed because my wife's sister will expect us to keep it up. Gonna be some massive fights when that time comes.

[squiggs96]

Originally Posted by onetwo_threefour

I worked full time through both my degrees, but a good chunk of that was in a restaurant kitchen job with no tip out and I did not have the option of living at home or getting any money from family at all. My student loans covered my books, materials and tuition, but really didn't cover much of food, rent, transit passes, and associated costs of school. I didn't live large, no travelling, limited partying, no big ticket purchases other than computers and a modest engagement ring for my wife. I was certainly one of the many 'under-employed' which has a lot to do with my large debt load.

Anyway, I don't want to derail, just wanted to mention address the question.

Similar scenario for me. I bartended throughout school and applied for every scholarship and grant I could find. I paid for all of my expenses and didn't receive help from my parents, as they couldn't afford it. I didn't drink at all during school, never traveled and picked up a second job in the summer to help make things easier on me during the semester. I did manage to graduate debt free, but articling with a CA firm actually gave me debt since it was a pay cut from working in restaurants.

I will not be having children of my own, but my brother has two kids, plus his wife has one from a previous relationship. I will be paying full tuition and books for my nephew and niece if they want to go to school, as long as they keep their grades at a high level. I think it's a great idea for university kids to work in a restaurant while going through school, as it gives you time management and people skills, as well as it shows you how crappy things can be if you don't have a plan. I loved bartending, but there is no way I wanted to be a 40-60 year old bartender.

[HELPNEEDED]

I guess I'll tell my story. But I'll preface by saying I am forever in the debt of my parents for providing me with the life they did, I had everything a child and grown man could want. Sad it may seem at facevalue but I believe that it taught me ambition and a genuine love for my parents in which I will return them the same once they retire.

Growing up I never was in a situation where I did'nt have what I wanted. As an only child I was given anything I wanted. We'll skip to the University years now. My only caviet during Grade 12 was get into all the Universities and my parents will buy me a car of my choosing, any car. I accomplished that mission by getting into all three-schools I applied to, however upon decision time my school and program was chosen for me. Thank god it was, because if it was'nt I would not be who I am.

Throughout University, like a spoiled brat, I did not a pay a dime for tution, books, clothing or anything of the sort. I had full access to my parents bank accounts from which I could buy my self what ever I wanted. I also had the knack of cyling brandnew vehicles every two-years and getting my summer excersions payed for, Vegas or Europe whatever.

Why did my parents do this? Simply because their parents did the same to them, provided them with whatever they wanted aslong as they could have afforded it. My mom came from a well to do familly and had everything growing whereas my dad came from a middle-class military family in which he was the man of the house since his father was always in theatre.

Upon graduating and commencing a job, I still lived at home debt free. But I did start commencing chores etc. Soon after I was able to buy a house then two, on my own. My point is my parents spoiling also came with teaching, I was invovled in every business and household decision made. I was taught well, and now that I'm on my own my wife and I pay for our postgraduate studies eventhough my parents insist they do. And one thign I can say it feels damn good being able to work and pay for both our schools on our own.

I do believe I turned out extreemly well and the spoiling has turned into ambition, and form this ambission I feel the drive to provide more for my kids.

But one thing I will say is that I will take care of my parents once they retire, they will live with me and I will provide for them.

Its a full circle.

[squiggs96]

Originally Posted by undercoverbrother

My mom and I had this fight this year. I suggest she donate the money in my name to a charity. She ended buying a goat for a village in Africa, I think.

I figure that is she demands to spend money on me, someone that needs it may as well gain from it.

Four years ago I put a stop to all presents. My dad would buy me awful things that I had no use for (electric lock deicer, atlas, sweatshirt that was 3 sizes too big), that would go to waste. I suggested we all donate the money we would be spending to a charity, like you did. My dad took that as a personal insult and said I was being selfish. I thought it was the exact opposite, as I was giving up my gifts and someone who really could use the gift/money would be receiving it. Neither of my parents wanted to do this, so we don't even talk about it anymore.

I think the gift giving process around Christmas creates so much waste. Everyone thinks their gift is thoughtful, and it seldom is appreciated as much by the receiver. Think of how much money is spent, and then think how much you could have saved just by buying exactly what you want.

[afc wimbledon]

I buy my mum and step dad a decent port, they buy me a decent scotch. everyones happy

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by fotze

For parents questioning what to do, the kids will be ok with whatever you do as evidenced in this thread,

Has anyone commented that the way they were raised was the wrong way and they are going to do things different. You'd think mistakes would be made and learnings learned, but nope, the way every single person was raised was the perfect way to do, not a single improvement can be made.

I think we need to all tell our parents how perfect a job they did.

If my parents could have done something better, I think my parents should have been a little harder on me, I am too shy, avoid conflict and procrastinate like a motherfataer. Way too sheltered from tough things/ tough decisions. My folks also had a disdain for anything creative or any interest that would not lead to a 'good job'.

The thing I'm changing in the way I parent from the way I was parented is not making them work as hard as I did. From the time I was 13, I worked 12-hour days (or more) landscaping for my dad's company. Every professional day. All Easter break. All summer with just one week off. Looking back, it broke every labour law in the book and it was completely unnecessary. I want to make sure my kids have more down time, more holidays, and more time for fun. My dad thought hard work and long hours were their own reward. I prefer to work smarter, not harder.

[FanIn80]

Thought this was going to be a thread about hot chicks in their early 20s looking for a sugar daddy.

Leaving disappointed.

[HELPNEEDED]

Originally Posted by Sliver

The thing I'm changing in the way I parent from the way I was parented is not making them work as hard as I did. From the time I was 13, I worked 12-hour days (or more) landscaping for my dad's company. Every professional day. All Easter break. All summer with just one week off. Looking back, it broke every labour law in the book and it was completely unnecessary. I want to make sure my kids have more down time, more holidays, and more time for fun. My dad thought hard work and long hours were their own reward. I prefer to work smarter, not harder.

I think you got the right approach. Plus childhood only comes once.

[GrrlGoalie33]

Originally Posted by squiggs96

Four years ago I put a stop to all presents. My dad would buy me awful things that I had no use for (electric lock deicer, atlas, sweatshirt that was 3 sizes too big), that would go to waste. I suggested we all donate the money we would be spending to a charity, like you did. My dad took that as a personal insult and said I was being selfish. I thought it was the exact opposite, as I was giving up my gifts and someone who really could use the gift/money would be receiving it. Neither of my parents wanted to do this, so we don't even talk about it anymore.

I think the gift giving process around Christmas creates so much waste. Everyone thinks their gift is thoughtful, and it seldom is appreciated as much by the receiver. Think of how much money is spent, and then think how much you could have saved just by buying exactly what you want.

When it comes to giving gifts to my parents, I pay for us to do small excursions together. They don't want anything, nor do they want for anything either. Sometimes it's a camping weekend, this year we went to Heritage Park for brunch and spent the day together. It is exactly what they want from me.

[Bill Bumface]

Originally Posted by fotze

Has anyone commented that the way they were raised was the wrong way and they are going to do things different.

My parents didn't have enough $ to do it right. My friend's parents nailed it. Made him pay for university, but then gave him the equivalent amount for a down payment on his first place as a convocation present. That's how I'd like to do it if I have the means.

[J pold]

My Dad paid for two years of my university, granted the other two I paid for with inheritance from my great-grandparents. I worked as a pizza delivery guy to afford food and housing, but he did help me out a few times here and there. He also bought me my first car (beat up Honda Civic) but that meant I had to drive my younger siblings anywhere he wanted no questions asked. These days I couldn’t imagine taking money from my him, like someone said if you still get money from parents on a regular basis you are not an adult.

[burn_baby_burn]

My parents didn't have much money when I was growing up. So I'm pretty thankful for the things that they did pay for when I was a kid.

As an adult. I have been lucky enough to be able to pay my own way (out side of living with them during the summers when I was a student). My mom will offer to pay for trips for my family as a way to try to entice me to take the whole family on a trip to see her side of the family (I think she just wants to show us off). Usually I hate to take the time off work for such trips. But when she offers to pay I know that it is really important to her. So I go, declining her offer.

With my own kids. I plan on helping to put them through University. Obviously I want them to succeed in life and have more than they had growing up. Just like I do. I also spoil my kids rotten. Sometimes I think I am making up for the things I missed out on as a kid through them.

[flamesfever]

Originally Posted by Sliver

The thing I'm changing in the way I parent from the way I was parented is not making them work as hard as I did. From the time I was 13, I worked 12-hour days (or more) landscaping for my dad's company. Every professional day. All Easter break. All summer with just one week off. Looking back, it broke every labour law in the book and it was completely unnecessary. I want to make sure my kids have more down time, more holidays, and more time for fun. My dad thought hard work and long hours were their own reward. I prefer to work smarter, not harder.

I think it's important for kids to play and have fun, along with being responsible for a certain amount of work. I think parents should try to strike a balance between the two. I agree in your case the work aspect was probably overdone.

I recall a friend whose wife left him to raise a pair of twin boys. They lived on a ranch, in a remote part of BC. The subject came up, one day in conversation, about when you should start making your kids do chores. I recall being somewhat surprised when he said, "I don't think you should let them go past 6 years of age".

Obviously it's more understandable to have the element of physical labour emphasized, for kids growing up on a farm or ranch, where hard work is going to be essential should they some day take over the operation. However, even in the city, I think it's important for kids at a young age to be responsible for things like helping with the dishes, laundry, shoveling walks, feeding the cat or dog, etc.

[Derek Sutton]

Originally Posted by Sliver

The thing I'm changing in the way I parent from the way I was parented is not making them work as hard as I did. From the time I was 13, I worked 12-hour days (or more) landscaping for my dad's company. Every professional day. All Easter break. All summer with just one week off. Looking back, it broke every labour law in the book and it was completely unnecessary. I want to make sure my kids have more down time, more holidays, and more time for fun. My dad thought hard work and long hours were their own reward. I prefer to work smarter, not harder.

A Parent has to teach their children how to work, it can be tricky to find a balance that is for sure. I worked with/ hired a lot of kids at their first job, I was a Manager at Sobeys, and would just shake my head. I know, not what this thread is about. There does need to be time for sports, socializing, video games etc.. but a teenager needs to realize that "A" comes before "B". Becasue when you have a job, you can't call in sick, or have your Mom do it for you, because you want to go to a movie that night.