So. My friends made a mistake, what now?

[Titan]

Originally Posted by Dion

None of my friends have done such a thing and I highly doubt they will. People who do extra marital affairs are self centered a holes.

But what if they did? That is the question. You may be right but what if your best friend in the world did it? Would you say you are a self centered a hole and please remove yourself from my presence?

Really?

Seems a little black and white.

[Titan]

Originally Posted by Dion

None of my friends have done such a thing and I highly doubt they will. People who do extra marital affairs are self centered a holes.

And I am 43 and thought the same of my friends, at least this one. Colour me surprised.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by Blaster86

A sad reflection of the oppressive and draconian way people choose to live if you think we should ignore BASIC HUMAN NATURE.

No one is ignoring basic human nature. They choose who they have sex with based on what they deem is moraly right.

You don't wanna do it, sweet. No loss on your part, you're happy. I am happy for you. Some people need more than one person, that's just how it is. Why hate?

People that need more than one person should never marry. Does that answer your question?

[Dion]

Originally Posted by Titan

And I am 43 and thought the same of my friends, at least this one. Colour me surprised.

I can see your dilema now.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by Titan

But what if they did? That is the question. You may be right but what if your best friend in the world did it? Would you say you are a self centered a hole and please remove yourself from my presence?

Really?

Seems a little black and white.

It can be black and white based on how strongly you feel about the situation. With both wives not wanting to see each other ever again, it puts you in a very awkward situation which is not fair to you. Both parties need to hear that from you. Make them aware of that.

[soulchoice]

Originally Posted by Titan

Good question. It was a very close group of friends (Ba dum) but since we don't all live in Blaster's world I think choices will need to be made.

They were all friends before. Whether Blaster agrees or not we live in a society where norms are honoured and people get upset when they are not. I would suggest reasonably so.

Do their lives and interests and hobbies and activities not involve me? In fact they do. This bad choice by two of them arguably involves everyone in the group. It has rent the group asunder. That involves me. Good wife and bad wife never want to see one another again. That affects my plans and gatherings and socializing. I am involved already.

Fact is bud, you may never be able to have all friends together in one setting. However, if they are good friends to you and you are willing to accept a change in the dynamics of the friendships, that is ok too. What I mean is, it will be a challenge to have both groups all together. However, it doesnt mean you cant still be friends and hang out separately. Especially if they still remain good to you as a friend.

Just dont get involved in the he said she said business, nor take sides in this matter. I wouldnt even talk about it with them. Serves you no purpose. In fact just gives you unnecessary involvement. It is what it is, nothing can change what they did. Let them figure it out. Thats what happened with my situation. To this day, I am still friends with both parties, I am ok with that. Never once did I choose nor care to take sides. I never discussed it, as in reality, it really wasnt my business.

[cKy]

I dont understand the reasoning of completely ostracizing friends who did an act that has no effect on you. If person A didn't sleep with my wife I dont see it as any of my business.

A close relative of mine cheated on his wife (now ex) and I'm sure she did the same to him while on trips without him. I still talk to both of them. I have no bad feelings towards both of them and to be honest it was the straw that broke the back of their marriage. They were unhappy for years and it finally made them move forward. Is it the best way to do it? of course not, but much like a drug addict has to hit rock bottom before they might get help it sometimes has to be that way.

Someone said it best above, if you chose to stay friends with both, one, or none of these people is completely up to you based on your comfort level.

Just my opinion

[JohnnyB]

Personally, I have never cheated, but I take it for granted that other people do. Those statistics about kids who are not genetically related to their supposed fathers wouldn't be nearly so high otherwise. If as many as 15-20% of kids are the result of affairs, you've gotta figure affairs are going on with a good bit more than 15-20% of marriages that result in children.

We're animals. We act like animals.

[afc wimbledon]

Originally Posted by cKy

I dont understand the reasoning of completely ostracizing friends who did an act that has no effect on you. If person A didn't sleep with my wife I dont see it as any of my business.

A close relative of mine cheated on his wife (now ex) and I'm sure she did the same to him while on trips without him. I still talk to both of them. I have no bad feelings towards both of them and to be honest it was the straw that broke the back of their marriage. They were unhappy for years and it finally made them move forward. Is it the best way to do it? of course not, but much like a drug addict has to hit rock bottom before they might get help it sometimes has to be that way.

Someone said it best above, if you chose to stay friends with both, one, or none of these people is completely up to you based on your comfort level.

Just my opinion

I would want a friend I couldn't trust and I'm not sure how you trust anyone who would happily shag your wife if she was up for it.

[cKy]

Originally Posted by afc wimbledon

I would want a friend I couldn't trust and I'm not sure how you trust anyone who would happily shag your wife if she was up for it.

Just because he slept with another women doesn't mean he would\is sleeping with every women.

What's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander. I guess I don't get the 'trust' argument. If my friend frauded or stole a bunch of money or something, sure, I could see not trusting him for that.

But going to a bar, having a one night stand (or proceeding with an affair) that has zero relation to me, no trust lost. If your friend drove home drunk, which I would argue is a stupider mistake to make, would you forever stop talking to him and not trust him? Probably not drive with him again if I knew he was drinking, but definitely not stop being his friend.

[gordo67]

Pretty much the same thing happened with 3 of my friends 16 years ago. My best advice is to stay out of it, took a lot of years to re-build the friendship.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

Titan,

I'd handle the situation as if two close friends of mine who were together broke up. What went on between them is none of my business. If they did nothing to hurt me, then why should I cut them loose?

Yes, there's a sense of loyalty to those hurt, and the mixed emotions toward the ones that did the harm. But at the end of the day, you're not a factor in the equation so why put yourself in there?

As it stands right now, do you know all the facts of what went on? No. And I'm not saying no as a slight against you, your character, or knowledge, just that there's more than one side to any story. Therefore it's best to stay out rather than do your own investigation.

[soulchoice]

Originally Posted by Maritime Q-Scout

Titan,

I'd handle the situation as if two close friends of mine who were together broke up. What went on between them is none of my business. If they did nothing to hurt me, then why should I cut them loose?

Yes, there's a sense of loyalty to those hurt, and the mixed emotions toward the ones that did the harm. But at the end of the day, you're not a factor in the equation so why put yourself in there?

As it stands right now, do you know all the facts of what went on? No. And I'm not saying no as a slight against you, your character, or knowledge, just that there's more than one side to any story. Therefore it's best to stay out rather than do your own investigation.

Exactly, great perspective. Mind your own business and dont investigate, there are three sides to every story. Plus Titan, you are being a little dramatic if you were to use they logic of not being able to trust the friends anymore. They didnt destroy your trust with a direct correlation to you. What they do with others has no bearing on your ability to trust them as a friend. What they did has nothing to do with you, nor has any correlation to your trust. Neither friend betrayed you at all.

For example, because of the said events which has nothing to do with you, you are the type that wont trust the one friend, as he might sleep with your girlfriend/wife, you are extremely insecure(not saying you think this). However in the slight chance that did happen, so be it.

If that did occur, remember it takes two people to tango. Never be mad at the guy, but rather your woman for making the decision to allow it as well. Dont live your life in fear and insecurity on what ifs. If your friend has never shown you to be disloyal to you, dont worry about it. Same goes with the other friend.

[Imported_Aussie]

being a non-involved party, its possible to be friends with all parties involved still, but I say go forward on how they act from now on. If you can maintain a strong friendship, if they have not changed in a way that makes you not want to be around them, then why not still be friends?
but if this experience leads to the person changing and you no longer enjoy their company, then you disengage the friendship - don't go making a show and doing the whole "taking sides" thing, but just distance yourself a bit more.

[Tron_fdc]

Stay completely out of it. Don't ask questions, and don't give advice. Try to be polite in letting people know you don't want to discuss it.

I've been through things like this before, and the LAST thing you want to do is get involved. When it goes sideways (and it will) you're the first person to get thrown under the bus. Youre friends are going to want you to choose sides, and gossip about what everyone else in the group is doing. Just stay out of it if you value neutrality and no drama in your life.

[DuffMan]

any chance you can bang the woman?

how did the truth come out?

[Coys1882]

All this discussion is fruitless until a picture of said woman is posted. All answers will come when her level of hotness is determined.

[albertGQ]

Wow. Was there tons of drama when this all unfolded?

[killer_carlson]

Now would be a good time for a vacation away from your friends.

[Lobotroth]

Have a threeway with the wives and then go find some new friends.

OR

Kill the cheaters.