Rate your current mental health level out of 10

[Geraldsh]

Originally Posted by GreenLantern2814

2/10.

My son was stillborn in February. I haven’t been back to work. I smoke all the weed I can get my hands on, and it’s a good day when I don’t drink before 2 in the afternoon. I have no patience with anyone, and I rarely see friends. I have been going to therapy once a week since it happened.

We got a Great Pyrenees puppy shortly after - she watches our daughter like a sheep, it’s adorable. Those two get me through the day.

Recent Flames activity has also been a welcome distraction.

But yeah. I’m not great.

Therapy is good.
I believe you also need some extreme physical activity to burn out the negative feelings- hit the gyms, or run if that’s your thing, or go play some rugby with UCB

[dissentowner]

0.01. My gf of nine years dad got diagnosed with advanced leukemia. Both my parents now have full blown dementia. I pop pain pills like they are Pez because everything hurts so damn much.
I get ODSP and by the time I pay rent, car insurance, hydro, and internet/phone at the beginning of the month I am broke, thank Christ for relatives and food banks or I would starve. I sleep alot, I used to enjoy video games or reading to escape from the world but I find no enjoyment in either. The world is in a downward spiral just like me. I love my son's to death but if I could go back I wouldn't have brought them into this world because it's heading for a dark place. I also could just shuffle off this mortal coil and not be a bad father for leaving them behind. At least I still enjoy watching hockey and talking about it, I don't have much else left.

[MrSector9]

Originally Posted by GreenLantern2814

2/10.

But yeah. I’m not great.

First I will say I have never experienced a tragedy as such and even though we are strangers I would not wish this on anyone.

I do suggest going to therapy twice a week, or call Calgary counseling center and see if there is a walk in group (usually free of charge) for people that have had the same thing happen within their family. My scenario was different but honestly being in the group helped more than I could have ever thought as it allows you to learn from others but then will also give you a sense of fulfillment when you can begin to help others understand and begin to cope.

(this is coming from a fellow weed head) For sure get off the weed/drink during non-rest/social hours, you are obviously intelligent enough that know that you are just self medicating and the time has come to stop, do not let your mind convince you otherwise, you know what needs to be done.

[EVERLAST]

After reading a great deal of this thread it leaves me wanting to start some kind of mens group here at CP.

Why? I myself suffer from 90% of what ails other men on here .

Its not easy being a dad, self employed, recovering alcoholic , manic depressed, workoholic and seperated for the past 7 years carrying 2 mortgages and all the bills and insurance associated with that.

Ive sent a few of you on here my thoughts via PM . Its me just reaching out trying to be a source of information, support, inspiration.

Some guy's sound like theyve messed up or been messed up but havent GIVEN up.

Anyone wanting someone to talk to i know good people, i know good people on here as ive never been more grateful to a community than i am with my CPers.

Pm me if youd be interested in starting up a mens group fellas. You cant just bury it all and pretend things are okay ....being fine isnt okay....F ed up inside normal exterior is the acronym for fine.

Lets get the best version of you back!!! Anyone with me?

[firebug]

Originally Posted by GreenLantern2814

2/10.

My son was stillborn in February. I haven’t been back to work. I smoke all the weed I can get my hands on, and it’s a good day when I don’t drink before 2 in the afternoon. I have no patience with anyone, and I rarely see friends. I have been going to therapy once a week since it happened.

We got a Great Pyrenees puppy shortly after - she watches our daughter like a sheep, it’s adorable. Those two get me through the day.

Recent Flames activity has also been a welcome distraction.

But yeah. I’m not great.

You've got this!

We lost our daughter at 39 weeks & 6 days... a day before her due date. That will be 18 years ago this August and I can still feel it. But that's good because I want to feel it... not wallow in it for sure... but that hurt is a part of me.

We had an 18-month old son at the time and much like you, he was what really got us through it.

You are bent but not broken, damaged but not destroyed. And I know from experience that your life can be full again with joy and happiness... and hurt. And that is okay.

Now I am in a job where I work for the dead on behalf of the grieving every day. To each of you who are struggling... you are important and you will be missed. I've helped a lot of families work through the 'sudden loss' of a husband, father, son or brother... and none of them are better off for it. Be strong enough to soldier on... as long as you are here you can improve and make things better. Once you are gone it is only worse for them.

[MrButtons]

Thank you all for sharing your stories and reaching out to everyone in this thread, even if we are randos. The fact you're talking about it is doing so much more to start healing than you can appreciate right now.

I truly cannot imagine what it's like to be in some of your shoes and can only share thoughts from my own experiences.

Please strive to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel. Fighting the heartbreak, sadness, anxiety, whatever you're feeling by being busy, self-medicating or anything else, will not get rid of the angst, just prolong their impact on you. And once again, BE KIND TO YOURSELF. There is not a correct way to go through whats happening, and everyone is different.

We're all here for you, you got this, and the world is better with you in it and taking part in it. We will be here every step of the way. Always available for a DM as someone to vent to, as i'm sure many of us are. I'm not usually a written guy and am better talking, so I hope this came across as supportive not telling you how to feel.

This poem has helped me a lot in my life, not sure it will do the same for y'all but no harm in sharing https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html

[EVERLAST]

This thread goes a long long way to restoration of my belief that yeah the world can
Suck sometimes but in this tiny little corner of it there's a silver lining of hope, love , gratitude, appreciation and joy.....my own sanctuary at times to take my mind off the things I don't want to think about ....a happy distraction.

How many times have I seen this forum rise to the occasion? I've lost count .

2013 thr floods brought our community together tearing out peoples flood damaged homes.
Not So long ago a member losing his home to fire . CP helped . Man this place has grown and I've grown up in this place .

It's always served as a valuable resource for me and I remember this place fondly like an old friend who's phone rings 24/7 and the coffee is always on.

I have several close friends on here since the 2004 cup run in fact . I met complete strangers watching hockey and somehow we all knew of this little hockey plus forum and continued on since.

Thanks Darcy for creating this place .

[Poe969]

Solid 1.5-2

Can't get into much without breaking down. Yesterday I was driving home, and if I didn't have the family dog with me...

[TheIronMaiden]

Originally Posted by Poe969

Solid 1.5-2

Can't get into much without breaking down. Yesterday I was driving home, and if I didn't have the family dog with me...

I think you should take that dog with you everywhere.

[You Need a Thneed]

This is a great resource for people looking to improve their mental health - please take advantage of it:

Have conversations, share stories, learn strategies.

https://recoverycollegecalgary.ca/

Recovery College offers short-term courses and discussion groups to support participants with mental health concerns (including substance use). We focus on helping people develop their own resourcefulness in order to support themselves or their loved one’s recovery.

Recovery College is for anyone: youth, older adults, family, friends, and parents. You are not required to have a referral, diagnosis, previous experience or be a CMHA Calgary client to participate. All are welcome!

All of our courses are free and delivered in partnership with our Peer Support Workers who are experts by experience: they have their own personal story of a mental health or substance use concern, or are supporting a loved one.

[bluejays]

My story, and would like some advice (I find it weird opening up on a forum, but here goes):


1) I work in banking, have been good with stats in the past years, and moved into a PM role 3 years ago. In the past year I got a new two faced VP, she suggested I moved into a nonsense role which I'd be better at, and I declined her multiple times. There just wouldn't be growth there but she was trying to get me to do it for about a year now. She's brought in her own people completely

2) Recently a parent was diagnosed with cancer. We're still going through diagnosis so it's been hard. I've immersed myself in work to cope and it's largely been good in that regard. I confided in my bosses my situation and they said all the right things but something made an about turn. More on that in a second.

3) My project should be easy on the surface but it's hard AF, and because my VP has brought in her own, more experienced people, 2 weeks after I told them about my parent's diagnosis and they said all the right things, again my VP asked me to take another role (some of which would be simple, and some would require specialty training). I declined saying I wasn't interested (in more polite words).

4) Last week they started to put the screws to me and said they're starting enhanced coaching for me to get my standard up. My parents situation hasn't affected the work at all, it's just an ungrateful project where nobody wants to do it and complains about everything. It been a grind, and I've given leeway, etc., but issues always come up. So they suddenly started getting HR involved and documenting every email and approach I take. It has floored me and this is anticipated to go on for a month. They've made it known the standard is rising on the team and this was the VP driven path to do this to me. Suddenly I've been anxious to have everything micromanaged to the 100th degree. The though of being let go after 17 years is painful. I'm finally taking time off next week because I haven't this year but in the past week my mental health is a 2 (can't even sleep properly). I've also noticed some people on the team being dropped with no word of them leaving, and it's apparent they've done this in hindsight, to others.

Anyway, I don't feel like taking a hardass stance with them and refuting everything. I genuinely want to learn (though there's a motive for the VP to bring in her own person), but I also don't want to be hurt compensation wise if they let me go. My performance has never taken a hit until the I've taken on this project. They simply want me to take on much more even though I'm easily doing 50 hours a week. They think that's ridiculous but they don't see the hand holding.


Anyway, I just want to protect myself from being let go with cause (no compensation). More and more I get older (40s now), I'm having some come to Jesus moments where I just want to help people and not deal with corporate BS. I've had a 6 figure salary for years now, but the constant ups and downs and politics I want no part of, rears it's head more and more as companies vie for higher profits and taking on more. I'm also thinking of taking teachers college to teach highschool with the compensation coming if they fire me. It would be a pay cut but I'm thinking that's wildly fulfilling. Just thoughts.

[habernac]

Green lantern, bug, we lost one after our first. Not as far along as yours, but it still hurt. I don’t think my wife has ever fully recovered. Our little boy (now a man) got us through it all. We eventually had a daughter, I wouldn’t give her up for the world, but I’ll never forget the one that never was.

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of Dad’s death. It’s been a year of ####. I’m better than I was, but the sting is still there. I had the most vivid dream that he gave me a hug Monday night. First time I’ve ever dreamed about Dad. He gave me #### about not seeing my Mom enough and I woke up. I FELT that hug. I keep hoping for more of those dreams.

Hang in there everyone.

[Cube Inmate]

Not much advice for bluejays here, but a lot of your situation sounds very, very familiar.

Point 1 to remember is that "incompetence poor performance" is not "cause" for termination. If you feel that your bosses are setting you up to fail through the appearance of being unable to do your job (to their satisfaction), they can let you go but it won't be "for cause" and your employment lawyer will have a field day if they try to claim that. Edit: true incompetence is grounds, but after 17 years that would be a pretty hard case to make.

Next point - like me, it sounds like your job provides you with a huge part of your self worth. If that's true, make an effort to ask yourself who you are without referring to your job. If you can answer that, remember that is all still there with our without the job. This might help reduce the stress you feel about "what if..."

Lastly, in your 40s and after 17 years in one place (again, exactly like me), it's pretty hard to imagine how you'd recover from a termination. People like us don't even know how to apply for jobs anymore!! To manage this fear myself, I'm reminding myself daily that the unknown hold as much opportunity as danger. It's possibly that being terminated would be just the kick I need to explore that unknown and find a real treasure.

[bluejays]

Originally Posted by Cube Inmate

Not much advice for bluejays here, but a lot of your situation sounds very, very familiar.

Point 1 to remember is that "incompetence poor performance" is not "cause" for termination. If you feel that your bosses are setting you up to fail through the appearance of being unable to do your job (to their satisfaction), they can let you go but it won't be "for cause" and your employment lawyer will have a field day if they try to claim that. Edit: true incompetence is grounds, but after 17 years that would be a pretty hard case to make.

Next point - like me, it sounds like your job provides you with a huge part of your self worth. If that's true, make an effort to ask yourself who you are without referring to your job. If you can answer that, remember that is all still there with our without the job. This might help reduce the stress you feel about "what if..."

Lastly, in your 40s and after 17 years in one place (again, exactly like me), it's pretty hard to imagine how you'd recover from a termination. People like us don't even know how to apply for jobs anymore!! To manage this fear myself, I'm reminding myself daily that the unknown hold as much opportunity as danger. It's possibly that being terminated would be just the kick I need to explore that unknown and find a real treasure.

Thank you. Fair points. It’s hard being told your competence is questioned and will continue to be. Truth is I’m not the best but I get it done and I treat people well. Perhaps not aligned to my job that well but it still hurts like hell to be treated badly at the worst time. But like many I’ve got caught up chasing money and work a lot, but probably if I looked at myself from a 20 year olds eyes I’d say it’s pathetic that I work so hard for nothing. I always question what am I working so hard for, and I do now see it as my identity. So I do have to stop that.

Yeah. To me in the past couple years I’ve really had moments of comparison to my peers and realized this isn’t what I want but you work hard to keep up with the joneses. Now this has really disenfranchised me and to go in knowing everything is micro scrutinized is the worst feeling. To put it bluntly they’re documenting you with the intent of wanting you to fail. My values have been based on trust and this has shattered me completely. I’ve confided in a few people what’s going on and they feel badly because they know I’m good at a certain subset of skills. But anyway, I’ll have to play this out, and take it a step at a time. If it requires stress leave in between so be it. Corporate life I’m seeing can be tough. I just want to truly help people and make a difference.

[Cowboy89]

Bluejays -

You asked for advice in your OP and not coaching so I'm going to skip the asking you questions until you come to the solution yourself stage and just outright say it direct:

All signs point to you being managed out of your position. Your VP made that decision before she asked you to take a different job, you didn't, and now they are moving to the next stages of managing you out. You acknowledge this yourself with the comment:

'Anyway, I just want to protect myself from being let go with cause (no compensation).'

Deep down you know that the end game of this is some version of you either taking another position at the company (from the sounds of it that boat's probably already sailed) or outright you leaving the company. Given that HR is now involved this is likely coming to a head soon (like within 0-90 days soon).

From others who have been in this situation they will say that that any effort trying to 'do better, learn . . . etc. etc.' in your existing role is time and effort wasted that could have been used working towards the next move.

Given you have been there 17 years, I would suggest retaining an employment lawyer ASAP to ensure you don't get done dirty on severance and come to terms with the fact you will need a new job very soon. Start taking steps towards that goal: reaching out to your network, brushing up your linkedin, resume, etc.

Anyone facing something similar, remember PIP = 'Paid Interview Period'

[activeStick]

Agree with Cowboy89 - you need to prepare and protect yourself.

[Iggy_12]

My problems seem pretty insignificant with what some of you guys are dealing with, condolences to those who have lost and thoughts with those struggling. As men its hard to discuss this stuff so its nice having a safe place like this.

Overall I really dont have much to complain about since last posting in here things have been better, ive been able to manage my health and slowly coming off the medication as my nerve pain has calmed down which has been fantastic

The girlfriend of 6 years is still an ex although we are amicable but i found out recently that she cheated on me with multiple people, something i was completely unaware of. That kinda sucked

My mortgage is about to renew and thats super stressful now that i have the house to myself and my interest rate will more than double. Its gonna be tight paying it alone and worried i wont be able to afford it. Looked at other houses and even renting and its so expensive out there, theres no point even thinking of selling.

I guess thats more for the finance thread. As some of you mentioned it feels like my dogs are the only thing that keeps me going, Im 35 and single and this really isnt how i saw my life going and thats kind of depressing. I have a good circle of friends but its difficult seeing them getting married and having kids while I spin my tires. I find meeting people dating wise super difficult and Im not interested in the apps so basically accepting the fact this is how its gonna be for me.

Mentally I am just exhausted with all this and not totally sure how to handle it. Does feel good to write it out on a random message board as weird as that sounds

[PaperBagger'14]

I’ve slipped a bit since my last post and for a bunch of reasons, most of which are out of my control. Probably sitting at a 6.5 these days.

The teething stage for children has been an absolute slog. Crying, fussing, throwing tantrums and toys, waking up 3+ times a night. It’s definitely testing my patience but at least this will pass (can’t be soon enough).

Work slowed down a bunch this year so while we’re still good financially, it won’t be the big money year that last year was. Couple that with inflation and it’s a nuisance.

The relationship with my mother is basically over now since she used our son to create tension between me/my wife and my mother. Pretty unforgivable stuff dragging a toddler into family issues and using your grandson as leverage to hurt your son and his wife. Shes alienated herself from 99% of the family now and it’s clear to everyone but her that therapy, medication or a combo is needed. She is also in a position where she can afford to get those supports, but chooses not to because it’s everyone else that’s wrong.

Luckily my wife is the most amazing woman in the world, I’d be toast without her.

[opendoor]

Originally Posted by bluejays

I'm also thinking of taking teachers college to teach highschool with the compensation coming if they fire me. It would be a pay cut but I'm thinking that's wildly fulfilling. Just thoughts.

I can't speak to the corporate stuff, as I've never worked in that kind of environment. But my wife is a teacher and had a co-worker who did basically that exact move. He worked in banking for his whole career, but by his early 40s had just gotten burnt out, so he went back and did a 1.5 year post-degree teaching program and became an elementary school teacher. It was definitely a significant pay cut, as you start at the bottom of the salary grid and only work your way up over the course of 10 years or so, but I don't think he regretted it for a second. He ended up teaching for about 15-20 years and just retired last year.

[PepsiFree]

Originally Posted by PaperBagger'14

I’ve slipped a bit since my last post and for a bunch of reasons, most of which are out of my control. Probably sitting at a 6.5 these days.

The teething stage for children has been an absolute slog. Crying, fussing, throwing tantrums and toys, waking up 3+ times a night. It’s definitely testing my patience but at least this will pass (can’t be soon enough).

Work slowed down a bunch this year so while we’re still good financially, it won’t be the big money year that last year was. Couple that with inflation and it’s a nuisance.

The relationship with my mother is basically over now since she used our son to create tension between me/my wife and my mother. Pretty unforgivable stuff dragging a toddler into family issues and using your grandson as leverage to hurt your son and his wife. Shes alienated herself from 99% of the family now and it’s clear to everyone but her that therapy, medication or a combo is needed. She is also in a position where she can afford to get those supports, but chooses not to because it’s everyone else that’s wrong.

Luckily my wife is the most amazing woman in the world, I’d be toast without her.

I don’t know if it’s helpful with the now, but a friend of mine is a dad to two and says his biggest regret with his first was how much he wished away the hard parts and how much time he wasted wanting those phases to pass, because when they disappear they take a lot of the good little things you forget to appreciate in the moment. He said with his second he even appreciated the 2 am wake ups because he realized eventually, for the good and the bad, they just stop needing you the same way.

Can’t speak to it myself, but that stuck with me.