The... we need a joke thread (Many NSFW)

[Rhettzky]

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my *$%& in your @$$.

[Ford Prefect]

So, there was this hockey team called the Edmonton Oilers ...

[Sample00]

Originally Posted by Ford Prefect

So, there was this hockey team called the Edmonton Oilers ...

NUFF SAID!!!

[Ford Prefect]

Originally Posted by Sample00

NUFF SAID!!!

Ahhh, I see you got it.

[Dion]

Zach Stortini and Ales Hemsky accidentally walked into a gay bar. They had just sat when a man walked up to Stortini and asked him to dance.

Horrified, he turned to Hemsky and whispered, "Help me out of this!" So Hemsky grabs the guy, slams him up against the wall and mumbles something menacingly into his face. Once let out of his clutches, the guy apologized and hurried away.

Wow, Zach says, "Thanks, what did you say to him?" Pinky shrugged and replied, "Told him we're on our honeymoon."

[Gozer]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-******-believable!"

[Gozer]

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and
that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Mom, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, “Okay, Mom, guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The one on the right.” “That’s amazing, Mom. You’re right. How did you know?”

The mother replies “I don’t like her.”

[Gozer]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.



The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

[Gozer]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks.'

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don' t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... 'All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.' She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'

[Gozer]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Cindy or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Cindy came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said:
'Cindy, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I had a rough night.'

[Gozer]

A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.

"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."

[Gozer]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

[Gozer]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say ,"Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."
The reccomended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.









The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was Timbuktu.

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.














Jewish Boy: Dad, can I borrow 20 dollars?
Jewish Father: TEN DOLLARS?! What in the world would you need five dollars for...?





One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, "Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

[Dion]

Flames and Canucks fan in a car accident

A Flames and a Canucks fan are involved in a car accident but it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, one of the drivers says, "So you're a Flames fan, that's interesting. I'm a Canucks fan. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should bury the hatchet and become good friends."

The Flames fan replied," I agree with you completely This must be a sign from God!

The Flames fan continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whiskey didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this whiskey and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Canucks fan. The Canucks fan shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the Flames fan.

The Flames fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Canucks fan.

The Canucks fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Flames fan replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[Puppet Guy]

what do you call an Oiler fan with half a brain?

- gifted

[Playfair's Hairgel]

What do women and clouds have in common?





THEY BOTH GO AWAY, AND ITS A NICE DAY AGAIN!~

[yads]

George Bush Jr visits Benjamin Netanyahu in Israel. At the dinner they are served matzo ball soup.

Bush says: "This is delicious. What do you call this again?"
Netanyahu replies: "It's matzo ball soup."
Bush then asks "Do you eat any other part of this matzo or just the balls?"

[yads]

Two friends run into each other. One says "Ugh, I was mixing beer and whisky last night." The other guy says "You must be really hung over today." The first one replies "No, it's just that today there's no more beer or whisky."

[Gozer]

edit: nm

I went to a bar the other night and met this German girl. She was hotter than hell, but didn't speak much English. Of course, I don't speak much German either... anyway, I ended up taking her back to my place.

We started getting into it - and I'm pulling out all my best moves.

Before you know it, she starts yelling out "Nein! Nein!"

So I shove four more fingers up her ass.

[alltherage]

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because D-shells are too big.