Doing your own thing, when you have a family

[photon]

Everyone has a different level of what they think is appropriate for their spouse to be away I think... some couples seems to spend a lot of time out and away from each other, others seem to never be seen apart.

BTW comparing another relationship is the sure fire way of putting her on the defensive and not getting anywhere fast You guys need to figure out what works for you.

It could be the drinking, or it could be something else that's not quite working out that she's resenting and this is just the visible thing. Maybe she feels she's doing too much with the kids or around the house and resents you getting free time while she feels that there's stuff not done?

It could also be the lack of time for just the two of you, I don't know how old your kid is but that's a difficult transition for some couples, especially at some stages. So much time goes into "family" that not enough goes into time for just the two of you, so what time you do spend for yourself is resented.

Have you offered to let her have a night or two out while you take care of the young? Though be careful with that one, if it is that she feels a lack of closeness or a lack of time together, suggesting that would make it worse.

Kind of personal, but how long have you guys been married?

My wife and I have gone through stages of this off and on, but a lot more in the first 5 years.. Her expectations and mine were different, and it takes time to find the balance that works for everyone. It's about compromise so maybe for a while you have to limit it to 1 night a week and work on whatever the root of the bad feelings is, but she has to recognize that time apart for friends is healthy too (as long as it's not escaping), and not guilt you for it.

Make sure and figure it out early, resentment can build fast.

[photon]

Good comments.

Remeber, happy wife, happy life. It is true.

Originally Posted by longsuffering

I don't think its the booze that really bothers her. It's insecurity I'll bet.

She's pregnant with kid number 2 and her loving hubby is in a bar 2 nights a week.

Even though it is totally innocent, given her hormone levels and her (probable) insecurity with her body image, etc. etc., she thinks of all the things that can go 'wrong' in the bar. It begins, but doesn't end, with drinking. She hasn't said anything about the girls in these bars?

Try and be supportive. Things will probably get worse before they get better, and you may want to think about offering to give up one night (temporarily), but if you can show her that she (and your child/children) are your number one priority, I think she might come around.

Good luck

[DementedReality]

i dunno ...

im married almost 14 yrs with two kids under 10.

1) its true a happy wife is a happy life.

2) but people need to live a life. if you are choosing jamming over watching American Idol then I have no problem with it. if your jammin means she is always adjusting the family schedule, then of course you are in the wrong.

if its simple jealousy on her part that you are out and she isnt, she needs to grow up. you are a grown man and should be able to make these choices in the context of your obligation to the family.

for me, my wife goes out much more than I do. why would i tell her she cant? just because people like her and want to spend time with her and i am an unlikable cad with no friends to go out with? (just kidding, im not a cad, just unlikable :-))

[Ice]

I think you need to discover what her real problem is with you going out. Is it that she's with your child all day and craves some adult conversation and you're not there? Does she feel you're choosing your friends over her and your kid? Do you snore louder because you've been drinking so she's not sleeping as well those nights? It could be anything, and the only way to fix it is to figure out EXACTLY what her issue is with it. If she thinks you're gone too much during the week, compromising to one night is a no brainer.

[DementedReality]

Originally Posted by Ice

... If she thinks you're gone too much during the week, compromising to one night is a no brainer.

well i disagree if she is just jealous and wants him to couch surf the TV with her. if thats the case, why should he bore himself to tears when he can do something he enjoys? just so he is home because she is home?

what a life. do people not get any individualty when they get married?

[Locke]

Shes just jealous because she cant drink...

What you should do is come home hammered one day a week just to show her how good she had it.

[Clarkey]

Maybe you need to do stuff with her a night or 2 a week (actually go out). Maybe you already do this?

[prarieboy]

Originally Posted by photon

Everyone has a different level of what they think is appropriate for their spouse to be away I think... some couples seems to spend a lot of time out and away from each other, others seem to never be seen apart.

BTW comparing another relationship is the sure fire way of putting her on the defensive and not getting anywhere fast You guys need to figure out what works for you.

It could be the drinking, or it could be something else that's not quite working out that she's resenting and this is just the visible thing. Maybe she feels she's doing too much with the kids or around the house and resents you getting free time while she feels that there's stuff not done?

It could also be the lack of time for just the two of you, I don't know how old your kid is but that's a difficult transition for some couples, especially at some stages. So much time goes into "family" that not enough goes into time for just the two of you, so what time you do spend for yourself is resented.

Have you offered to let her have a night or two out while you take care of the young? Though be careful with that one, if it is that she feels a lack of closeness or a lack of time together, suggesting that would make it worse.

Kind of personal, but how long have you guys been married?

My wife and I have gone through stages of this off and on, but a lot more in the first 5 years.. Her expectations and mine were different, and it takes time to find the balance that works for everyone. It's about compromise so maybe for a while you have to limit it to 1 night a week and work on whatever the root of the bad feelings is, but she has to recognize that time apart for friends is healthy too (as long as it's not escaping), and not guilt you for it.

Make sure and figure it out early, resentment can build fast.

Originally Posted by longsuffering

I don't think its the booze that really bothers her. It's insecurity I'll bet.

She's pregnant with kid number 2 and her loving hubby is in a bar 2 nights a week.

Even though it is totally innocent, given her hormone levels and her (probable) insecurity with her body image, etc. etc., she thinks of all the things that can go 'wrong' in the bar. It begins, but doesn't end, with drinking. She hasn't said anything about the girls in these bars?

Try and be supportive. Things will probably get worse before they get better, and you may want to think about offering to give up one night (temporarily), but if you can show her that she (and your child/children) are your number one priority, I think she might come around.

Good luck

Two comments that really stuck out for me.

It's your family, find out what works for the both of you. Your expecting another child, unfortunatly all she seems to see is you spending time away from the family and might be projecting that image down the road when the kids are older.

Your not alone. I have a really good friend whose wife is constantly against activities away from the family. He's one of the most dedicated family men I have ever known.

[Ice]

Originally Posted by DementedReality

well i disagree if she is just jealous and wants him to couch surf the TV with her. if thats the case, why should he bore himself to tears when he can do something he enjoys? just so he is home because she is home?

what a life. do people not get any individualty when they get married?

I'm married, and I do a lot individually, but my husband doesn't have a problem with it. If he did, I would have to evaluate how important social engagements and trips are at the expense of my husband's happiness and ultimately my marriage. I've been married for a long time, and I'm definitely more social and I enjoy going off and doing things while my husband is more of a homebody. For us, we accept that, rather than him force me to stay home, or me force him to go out, we're OK doing things individually. That being said, I'm rarely off with friends twice every week, I think that would be asking a lot. That would leave him with the responsibility of taking care of the kids while I'm out goofing off and that doesn't seem fair.

I'm not going out with my friends to escape anything at home, and that's an important distinction. I go out because I want to play hockey, go snowboarding, travel to a Flames game, see a chick film, etc. and he's not interested in those things. If he had a problem with me going out, it would seem to be a simple solution to cut back on the frequency. The ability to compromise and communicate is pretty critical for a successful relationship, IMO.

[Yeah_Baby]

Perhaps its my age, but one of the thing I would look forward in marriage was doing things together.

[pepper24]

Do what Paul McCartney did when he started Wings. Have your wife join the band!

[Swayze11]

All I know is if you compare yourself to another relationship that is bad news. Whenever I compare myself and girlfriend to another relationship I get the whole "Well we arnt them" speech. It just goes down hill from there.

[ernie]

1) she's pregnant so make sure it wasn't a mood swing/hormonal outburst but a "genuine" and lasting concern

2) think back and see if you can remember if there were any other hints that she wanted you to cut back on this hobby. If it's a genuine concern (point 1) she HAS mentioned this before and being a normal guy likely made some sort of assurance without knowing you did.

3) She's pregnant with #2. She's likely worrying about how much work it's going to be...and it will be a crap load of work the first several months. She may be trying to lay the ground of you cutting back on these activities because she is going to need you around pretty much every evening. She IS going to need the break FAR more than you regardless of how stressful your job is or how much you work. And a break for her may simply be a 3 hour bath...she doesn't need to go out.


IMO (i have 2 kids) 8 hours a week coming home with beer on my breath is a bit much. Though for me personally there is nothing better than spending time with the family. I rarely need a breather from that, but my wife does and she tends to go out a few times a week after taking care of a 2.5 and 8 month old all day.

[ResAlien]

I've been in an almost identical situation, although mine had less band and more drinking. Regardless, just hitting the high points this is my guess how she's seeing it

-You're out a couple nights a week

-You're drinking

-You're spending more that what she thinks is an appropriate amount of time with your friends and not "your family"

-She doesn't get to do anything

I don't know what your normal home life is like, but are you spending time together when you are there? Or is this more of a "she's doing her thing while you sit on CP" situation. Just sounds to me like she wants more attention, and this is a good trigger to set it off. If I've learned one thing in my life, what a woman tells you she's mad at you about it rarely what it really is. Of course, I've known some trainwrecks.

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to comment on you or her, and anything that sounds jerkish in that post is purely for demonstrative purposes.

This ties in with the "doghouse" thread...

My advice: She's pregnant, you're wrong. No matter if you're right, you are wrong. It sucks, but that's the way it goes.

(I'm sure my husband feels your pain)

[V]

Originally Posted by prarieboy

I have a really good friend whose wife is constantly against activities away from the family. He's one of the most dedicated family men I have ever known.

Maybe because this 'friend' goes away to too many hockey games with girls he doesn't know.

[photon]

Originally Posted by DementedReality

what a life. do people not get any individualty when they get married?

That's why I asked how long they'd been married.. I know my wife as a lot more sensitive to time spent away when we first got married than she is know.

[V]

Originally Posted by Yeah_Baby

Perhaps its my age, but one of the thing I would look forward in marriage was doing things together.

Yeah, it's more or less your age.

Seriously, and this isn't directed to you but more to Agamemnon, you just can't relate until you're married with kids.

As for the OP, a guy just needs to get out. And if she has a problem, there are a number of solutions. One, find a peace offering. If momma aint happy, nobody's happy, and all that jazz. There's gotta be something you can leverage. If she doesn't like to go out, great, cheap date night. Do one of those home date things where you make supper and yadda yadda where she can be happy. Finally, if that doesn't work, and you can't find anything to leverage, just lie. It happens. Dude's gotta get out.

[PYroMaNiaC]

To me, the whole situation actually computes to her spending every waking minute with child. She does running around, laundry, dishes, cleans toilets, entertains the little one, makes meals for you, shows concern for how your day went, makes sure your lunch is made for the next day, tries to work up the energy for sex, and still get 8 hours of sleep. She loves being a mom and a wife, but the 2 hours every night that you put in parenting, (while she does chores that can't be multi-tasked) is peanuts to the energy she puts out. And then you have the balls to ask for 2 evenings a week off? When does she get time off? (this starting to sound familiar, yet?)

She doesn't want to go out, huh? No kidding. The woman is exhausted. It takes a lot of work to find babysitters, make sure the house is in reasonable condition for a guest, get snacks ready, get emergency numbers ready, and find a few minutes to swipe mascara on her which really will not hide the fact that she prego and fat and there's nothing in her wardrobe that fits any more and makes her feel special and sexually attractive - oh and god, all those pretty girls out there without stretch marks, and their boobs still ride where God intended, and .....here comes the tears....

You know what she really wants? She wants you to come home, make dinner, do all the things she normally does after you arrive, while she soaks in the tub that you've carefully run for her. When she gets out, which will be a long time coming because you've left the latest book from her favorite author in there, there is soft music playing. You ask to have a slow dance in the living room with your beautiful partner. When you are done, you lay her back on the couch and give her a foot rub that makes her head spin. For the finale, you and her climb into bed, where you hold her only and tell her that you love her, and when your daughter cries in the night, you get out of bed right away to make sure that she doesn't wake mommy, and you make the bad guys under the bed go away.

Good Luck.

Originally Posted by PYroMaNiaC

To me, the whole situation actually computes to her spending every waking minute with child. She does running around, laundry, dishes, cleans toilets, entertains the little one, makes meals for you, shows concern for how your day went, makes sure your lunch is made for the next day, tries to work up the energy for sex, and still get 8 hours of sleep. She loves being a mom and a wife, but the 2 hours every night that you put in parenting, (while she does chores that can't be multi-tasked) is peanuts to the energy she puts out. And then you have the balls to ask for 2 evenings a week off? When does she get time off? (this starting to sound familiar, yet?)

She doesn't want to go out, huh? No kidding. The woman is exhausted. It takes a lot of work to find babysitters, make sure the house is in reasonable condition for a guest, get snacks ready, get emergency numbers ready, and find a few minutes to swipe mascara on her which really will not hide the fact that she prego and fat and there's nothing in her wardrobe that fits any more and makes her feel special and sexually attractive - oh and god, all those pretty girls out there without stretch marks, and their boobs still ride where God intended, and .....here comes the tears....

You know what she really wants? She wants you to come home, make dinner, do all the things she normally does after you arrive, while she soaks in the tub that you've carefully run for her. When she gets out, which will be a long time coming because you've left the latest book from her favorite author in there, there is soft music playing. You ask to have a slow dance in the living room with your beautiful partner. When you are done, you lay her back on the couch and give her a foot rub that makes her head spin. For the finale, you and her climb into bed, where you hold her only and tell her that you love her, and when your daughter cries in the night, you get out of bed right away to make sure that she doesn't wake mommy, and you make the bad guys under the bed go away.

Good Luck.

Holy !!!! If I wasn't married, I'd tell you that I love you!

Best advice yet!