But they're Smart! S-M-R-T!!

[GeoffSK]

I knew someone who bought an alarm clock and did not know the difference between AM and PM. He had to ask me what setting to put the alarm on to wake up at 7:00 in the morning. I thought he was joking so I told him PM and he did. At that moment I realized that he was not to bright.

[Looger]

Originally Posted by Frank the Tank

Oh another one for me I just remembered! We were on our way to buy winter tires and I asked my wife if she wanted to spend the extra money and buy winter rims as well.

just tell her that with winter rims you won't have to put winter air into the tires.

might as well go down to their level, and leave it at that!

[Burninator]

A couple gems from a girl that I went to Junior high school with.

"How many beers are in a six pack?"

"How do we get the beers across the boarder?"
She was talking about a road trip from Calgary to Edmonton.

And the best part is she is now president of the students union at a university.

[Prototype]

The following was a real conversation, not my wife, but a women none the less:

"What's the score?"

"3 - 3"

"For who?"

[fanforever1986]

Originally Posted by anyonebutedmonton

So my story takes place in high school, in my girlfriends room...

She was expressing her concern with my lack of auditory response to her giving me head. She pretty much asked me "make more noise". Now I think most of the guys here will agree with me when I say that for most of the job, there is little to give response to... I had no idea what I was supposed to do so rather than heed her request I decided to make a joke out of it.

When the job is about to be finished I let out a loud "eeeee-ahhhh" like a donkey, followed by large amount of laughter. Now this may not seem all that funny until you picture how mad your gf/wife would be in the situation.

It was a while before she went down there again, but all in all it has been well worth the laugh for me and my friends.

To get the full effect of this story, make a donkey noise right now. Legendary.

[Hack&Lube]

Originally Posted by return to the red

I was dating this girl when I was about 19 and we were fooling around one night. She decides to get umm "up close and personal" with my lower extremeties.

As any guy would i'm thinking hey great until I felt a warm breeze. She was literally (just for Hulk) blowing me. When I asked her what the hell she was doing she said "isn't that what I'm supposed to do?"

So why is the first part of that called a "b", unless it refers to the old faithful effect at it's conclusion.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Here's a couple of really funny ones. Again, I believe our education has failed the younger generation. These girls are all around or younger than 22.

I mention something about feces. Girl #1 says "What's that?" Girl #2 says "Isn't that a baby in the third trimester."

-------------------------------------------------------------

Again, talking about WW2. We start talking about Nazis and Jews. Turns out, my friend isn't familiar with the Nazis...so I ask her..."Do you know who the Nazis are?" To which she relied "The Jews?"

[Bill Bumface]

Originally Posted by return to the red

She was literally (just for Hulk) blowing me.

Excellent use of the word!

[return to the red]

Originally Posted by Hack&Lube

So why is the first part of that called a "b", unless it refers to the old faithful effect at it's conclusion.

I don't know

I can just hear it now

women: " every time I went down that sucker would just go flying out of my mouth, I can't understand what the hell they like about this"

[Superflyer]

I used to live in Creston B.C. and one day I was walking down the main street when a car with skis and a snowboard pulls up and two younger guys ask "where is all the snow that we hear about?"
Now this may not be a bad question being in the middle of the mountains, but it is bad when it is June. After I explain to them that it all melted a few months ago, and told them that I was not joking (Yea cause we knew you were coming and hid it) they drove away.
I looked at the license plate and it was from California .

Being so close to the border as Creston is I have many smrt American stories. I talked to quite a few that thought that we lived in igloos and had penguins as pets. Also many would think that as soon as you cross the border it gets cold and snowey. Cause you know that is the magical line that nature put there, we just divided the countries along it.

[fredr123]

Originally Posted by Superflyer

Being so close to the border as Creston is I have many smrt American stories. I talked to quite a few that thought that we lived in igloos and had penguins as pets. Also many would think that as soon as you cross the border it gets cold and snowey. Cause you know that is the magical line that nature put there, we just divided the countries along it.

I've done that myself on numerous occassions. On the day of reckoning, I will have a hard time answering for all the grief I've caused our naiive neighbours to the south...

[KGB33]

I have a story about my husband when we first started going out. We were sitting in his room playing a card game,31 I think. I could not beat him (and still can't) at this game. So I'm all ****ed off cause I think he's cheating and he asks me if I want to play something else. Being a smart a$$ I said sure, how about 52 pickup. He says ok, how do we play! Now who hasn't heard of 52 pickup? Needless to say the joke was on me. I ended up picking them all up.(It was worth it just seeing the look on his face)

[Bobblehead]

I was riding Amtrac down the coast from Salinas to LA; a guy from New Jersey was saying how he wanted to drive his van across Canada sometime but wanted to know if we had any policemen "up there" because he didn't know if it would be safe.

[BlackEleven]

Originally Posted by fotze

My wife cannot get it that the word scissors is for aone pair of scissors. She asks for a scissor. Pass me that scissor. Also she asks for the wheelbarrel instead of the wheelbarrow. English isn't her first language, thoughy, so its alright.

I think you said in another thread she was danish? I assure you, as a speaker of norwegian, the scissors thing is confusing... I mean its only one thing, why does it end in 's'?

I bet she gets confused about money too right? "I spent all of them" instead of "I spent all of it". And "how will you spend your monies" instead of "how will you spend your money"... confusing stuff, I tell you.

Anyway, my girlfriend and I were in Spain and we saw two Jamacian talking to each other in a heavy Jamacian accent across the street. Conversation goes as follows:

Her: Where are those people from?
Me: Jamacia
Her: Both of them?
Me: Yes
Her: Well why aren't they speaking Jamacian to each other then?
Me: Why don't Canadians speak Canadian to each other then?

[GoinAllTheWay]

Wow, there are some real gems in here. My current g/f has yet to drop anything dumb on me but have a few goodens from the past.

Was playing a round of golf with some friends, one of which brough his g/f. Starting to could over and there was a bit of thunder. We discussed the nature of thunder and what caused it when the guys g/f said "really? I thought thunder was caused by two clouds colliding"

Another day, while I was working as a Waiter at Earls, I was working outside on the open patio. Lots of trees in the area and naturaly birds would fly in and peck at crumbs and such that had fallen on the patio. When lady, a rather high maintenance snotty looking lady asked me if there was anything I could do about the "dam" birds getting into the patio" I was stunned. What the hell am I supposed to do? Stand in the corner of a patio with a shotgun ready to blow away any bird that dare fly into an open patio?

And in all fairness, I will include one involving a male. I used to work at the Family Leisure Center as a Life Guard. Our uniforms were rather bright as to make us easy to spot. "Life Guard" was written on the back of the shirt in bright blue right over top of a very bright Red Cross symbol. "Life Guard" was also written on the seat of the shorts. To round out our uniforms, we all carried a large flutter board and whistle around our necks. One the front of the shirt was written "Emergency Aquatic Staff" One day while standing at the front of the pool, a guy approached me from behind (with all the above mentioned lettering facing him) and he asked "Do you work here?" No man, I just take pool safety REALLY seriously.

[fredr123]

Originally Posted by BlackEleven

I think you said in another thread she was danish? I assure you, as a speaker of norwegian, the scissors thing is confusing... I mean its only one thing, why does it end in 's'?

I bet she gets confused about money too right? "I spent all of them" instead of "I spent all of it". And "how will you spend your monies" instead of "how will you spend your money"... confusing stuff, I tell you.

What about pants? I usually wear a pair of pants so I assume a single pant would be like one leg or something, right?

[Prototype]

Originally Posted by KGB33

I have a story about my husband

Start your own thread woman!

Just kidding... just so much testosterone kicking around here, if I didn't do it, someone else was going to.

[ken0042]

Originally Posted by GoinAllTheWay

And in all fairness, I will include one involving a male. I used to work at the Family Leisure Center as a Life Guard. Our uniforms were rather bright as to make us easy to spot. "Life Guard" was written on the back of the shirt in bright blue right over top of a very bright Red Cross symbol. "Life Guard" was also written on the seat of the shorts. To round out our uniforms, we all carried a large flutter board and whistle around our necks. One the front of the shirt was written "Emergency Aquatic Staff" One day while standing at the front of the pool, a guy approached me from behind (with all the above mentioned lettering facing him) and he asked "Do you work here?" No man, I just take pool safety REALLY seriously.

To me that sounds like a typical Bill Engvall "here's your sign" types of things. But like a lot of his, I just think sometimes that an easy way of opening the conversation. We are told "hey you" is often impolite, and he doesn't know your name.

Sorry, this wasn't supposed to be a pet peave thread. I'll back off now.

[return to the red]

I had one guy call me at work and ask me if we sell irrigation stuff (the company name has the word irrigation in it) he then goes on to say that he looked us up in the yellow pages. I damn near slammed the phone down when he then asked for our address and what our business name was. Remember now the guy searched for us in the yellowpages looked at our add (probably had it infront of him) called us up and then asked what our business name is?

[Eastern Girl]

The one that I am repeatedly guilty of is calling someone at home and then asking where they are. I am so used to calling peoples cell phones that it's just habit to ask where they are when I call them now.