Successful Marriage Criteria: 90% Marry Once

[MolsonInBothHands]

Originally Posted by jolinar of malkshor

Holy cow

Where does he say that his own personal experience shows that it is the best thing to do? He doesn't.... He says that living together should be done first. Just because you say it should be done, doesn't mean it should be, as statistics show in more cases than not it would be BAD for the overall marriage.

Originally Posted by habernac

the living together beforehand thing is a must IMO. How are you going to know what another person is truly like if you don't live with them first?

[Wookie]

Originally Posted by socalwingfan

Married in their 30s.
I was 26 - wife 18

My new CP idol!

Agree with MMF

[Buff]

Originally Posted by habernac

the living together beforehand thing is a must IMO. How are you going to know what another person is truly like if you don't live with them first?

Don't spend your time with them doing mindless activities. Actually do something with them that will allow you to get to know them. Communication is key to getting to know the other person.

[Iowa_Flames_Fan]

Originally Posted by Buff

It shows a reluctance to commit.

That depends on the motivation. My wife and I chose to live together because we didn't want to wait a whole year before beginning our lives together. Is that a reluctance to commit? Hardly. We've been married 8 years, and she's still the best thing that ever happened to me.

My point is that it can vary a lot--there isn't a set of hard and fast rules for a successful marriage. Some people might be living together because they're afraid of committment. Those people shouldn't get married--because they're afraid of committment (not because they co-habited).

[TheyCallMeBruce]

As some of you know, I had a wedding videography business awhile back. So I get to attend a lot of weddings of clients and friends. I'll just provide some stats on the marriages I know of.

Out of 16 marriages I have attended,
- 8 lived together (6 are divorced)
- 8 didn't (1 is divorced)

Out of 32 marriages I can think of (including my parents), but not including the 16 marriage stat above,
- 10 lived together (4 are divorced)
- 22 didn't (3 are divorced)

It took me almost 2 hours to think up of all the marriages I am aware of. Some of these stats include some clients as well.

I'm not giving an opinion, just listing some stats that I am aware of through my personal life's interaction with married people.

Edit: All these marriages are at least 1 year old.

[arsenal]

Originally Posted by habernac

the living together beforehand thing is a must IMO. How are you going to know what another person is truly like if you don't live with them first?
Did not live together in a common-law relationship before wedding.
Lived together for 2 years

I think that qualifies as personal experience does it not?

Originally Posted by jolinar of malkshor

Far off from personal experience that you quoted.
I am allowed to inform him that his opinion is not supported by the facts. So why are you getting your panties in a not?

Take a stats course, you will realize then that not everything falls inside the nice bell curve. So he is experience is different than the majority. In his case it worked. He is forming his opinion based on his experiences, and he is sharing it with people.
Don't jump down his throat for basing an opinion based on his experiences.

[MolsonInBothHands]

Some of the proposed factors to successful marriage surprise me, while others don't.

My relevant data:
First marriage, 15 years next week. Both of us were 21. Lived Common-Law for two years prior. Two children. Never go to church. Not university educated until eighth year of marriage. Yes marriage is important for happiness.

Now I am not going to say everything has been a bed of roses and always will be, nor will I guarantee that it lasts for as long as I live, but I did make that vow, and see no reason for it changing in the forseeable future.

What makes me raise my eyebrows, is the notion of living common-law is potentially harmful, and the religious activity is beneficial. I am a part of a family, where most of my relatives are devoutly religious, never live common-law, and attend church every week. The majority of these marriages have failed. I am the black sheep of this crowd, have been judged by this crowd for my life choices, and have managed to give a more stable home life to my children than many of these folks.

To me, the most essential ingredient is the ability to compromise, and this is where my relatives have failed miserably. Too judgemental, and too set in their ways, there is no way the spouse can live up to the family's standards.

[RedMan12]

I lived with my wife for 2 years before we got married. I think it did nothing but improve and help our relationship. You really dont know someone until you have lived with them awhile.

I look at my mom for an example, she is on her third marriage and if she would of moved in with her first 2 husbands before marrying them she proably would of known how crazy they were and would not of made the mistake of marrying them.

[Cheese]

LOL...Ill bet the majority of respondents were people coming home from church....

Anyways my 1st marriage was to a woman who was very religious...what a disaster that was...

My 2nd is to a wonderful woman who is Atheist..I am 50 she is 37. We lived together, sinned together and love together.

[habernac]

Originally Posted by Buff

Don't spend your time with them doing mindless activities. Actually do something with them that will allow you to get to know them. Communication is key to getting to know the other person.

and if I'm under the same roof as they are, I'm in a much better situation to get to know them better. How is it a fear of commitment if I get her to move in with me? That's a pretty big commitment I think. I totally agree that communication is the key. And if they're in the same home as I am, I can communicate with them more than I could have were she somewhere else.

[Azure]

Originally Posted by Cheese

LOL...Ill bet the majority of respondents were people coming home from church....

Anyways my 1st marriage was to a woman who was very religious...what a disaster that was...

My 2nd is to a wonderful woman who is Atheist..I am 50 she is 37. We lived together, sinned together and love together.

Didn't know you were THAT old.

[habernac]

Originally Posted by jolinar of malkshor

You are saying it is a MUST.....The study actual says it is a BAD thing. WHat part of that are you not understanding??????????????

I can read. I know what the study says. I'm saying in my opinion, living together is GOOD. Capiche?

[Buff]

Originally Posted by habernac

and if I'm under the same roof as they are, I'm in a much better situation to get to know them better. How is it a fear of commitment if I get her to move in with me? That's a pretty big commitment I think. I totally agree that communication is the key. And if they're in the same home as I am, I can communicate with them more than I could have were she somewhere else.

People move in together with the thought that if it doesn't work out they can break up. People don't get married thinking that maybe they'll get a divorce in a couple of years and see what else is on the market. Marriage is more final. "Till death do us part".

[habernac]

That really wasn't on my mind at all. How silly would it be getting married only to find out living together was impossible?

[jolinar of malkshor]

Originally Posted by MolsonInBothHands

Where does it say from his personal experience?????????

Can't find it, maybe I am missing something????????

Personal Experience and Personal Opinion are quite different. Never the less my point in saying that the facts show that his position is not the one that should be taken.

[J pold]

I am not married mostly because I am only 19, but I will say I am terrified of it…

[MolsonInBothHands]

Originally Posted by jolinar of malkshor

Where does it say from his personal experience?????????

Can't find it, maybe I am missing something????????

Personal Experience and Personal Opinion are quite different. Never the less my point in saying that the facts show that his position is not the one that should be taken.

As has been so eloquently stated by others in the thread, personal opinion stems from personal experience. Furthermore, to base your opinion on this study, and take it as fact is almost as foolish as telling somebody else what position should be taken in the first place. It is my opinion/experience that most of the mentioned factors are secondary in predicting a marriage's success.

You have accused others in this thread of getting their panties in a knot. Have you examined your posting style lately?

[jolinar of malkshor]

Originally Posted by MolsonInBothHands

As has been so eloquently stated by others in the thread, personal opinion stems from personal experience. Furthermore, to base your opinion on this study, and take it as fact is almost as foolish as telling somebody else what position should be taken in the first place. It is my opinion/experience that most of the mentioned factors are secondary in predicting a marriage's success.

You have accused others in this thread of getting their panties in a knot. Have you examined your posting style lately?

Personal opinions do not equate to personal experience. You go on to preach that he has a the right to a personal opinion, no problem with that. I never said he didn't. I simple stated that the evidence the study found contradicted what he was suggesting as best practice and HE got defensive and said "and I'm saying I'd never want to do that. What part of that did you miss?"

He was the one who started getting defensive.

I have not made any opinion so not sure where your getting your info. I simply stated the results of the survey. You need to read the posts.

[FireFly]

I have been in three mid-length relationships that invovled living common-law and I will say that I'll never do it again. In my experience it leads to complacency. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, type deal. Now, that might just be poor mate judgement, (which is likely), but I'm not doing it again until there's a ring on my finger and a date firmly set.

[Cheese]

Originally Posted by FireFly

I have been in three mid-length relationships that invovled living common-law and I will say that I'll never do it again. In my experience it leads to complacency. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, type deal. Now, that might just be poor mate judgement, (which is likely), but I'm not doing it again until there's a ring on my finger and a date firmly set.

then you find out he squeezes the toothpaste in the middle and leaves his underwear hanging off your bedpost....D I V O R C E...lawyers love it.