Dealing with a toxic coworker

[AcGold]

Originally Posted by Leeman4Gilmour

If he started the thread what would he say? There's always two sides and good, solid, random stranger internet advice cannot be given without knowing both of them.

Well his grievances began when he would ask me for my time and I wouldn't be able to jump to them. He'd ask if I could talk at 9pm, then when I was too tired to properly discuss the project (I have 4 jobs) he'd begrudgringly say ok wait for tomorrow.

Then when I'd see him he'd be livid. He'd have hatred and scorn in his eyes and he'd lecture me about how I'm inconsistent, a liar and trying to push him around.

What would he say? Probably that I'm a liar, unreliable and not good at music production because I change plans and don't stick to my word.

Even though I completed a 120 hour project for them in 6 days in 50 hours for no pay and helped shoot 7 music videos. He would demand the job gets done in a week even though realistically a better job would have been done with the 120 hours and a few weeks to process and properly finish the mastering process. He didn't care I have 4 jobs, he'd crap all over them and insult me if I tried to bring it up. I don't want to quit this job it's awsome but damn I made friends with the wrong person.

[Cecil Terwilliger]

Originally Posted by Leeman4Gilmour

If he started the thread what would he say? There's always two sides and good, solid, random stranger internet advice cannot be given without knowing both of them.

No, no, no. Random stranger internet protocol dictates that we need to assume that the OP is lying or just plain incompetent. Don't offer encouragement or solutions. Question his behaviour, his resolve. Question his motives. When he says he's helpless, blame him. When he says he's tried solutions, question his honesty. Our digging and distrust will only make him stronger. We are random stranger internet advice givers dammit!

[peter12]

Originally Posted by AcGold

Well his grievances began when he would ask me for my time and I wouldn't be able to jump to them. He'd ask if I could talk at 9pm, then when I was too tired to properly discuss the project (I have 4 jobs) he'd begrudgringly say ok wait for tomorrow.

Then when I'd see him he'd be livid. He'd have hatred and scorn in his eyes and he'd lecture me about how I'm inconsistent, a liar and trying to push him around.

What would he say? Probably that I'm a liar, unreliable and not good at music production because I change plans and don't stick to my word.

Even though I completed a 120 hour project for them in 6 days for no pay and helped shoot 7 music videos. He didn't care I have 4 jobs, he'd crap all over them and insult me if I tried to bring it up.

You are way too nice, and unfortunately, guys like this take advantage. Look at how you can protect yourself professionally, and if safety is a real concern, then you have to remove yourself from the situation.

[corporatejay]

Today I learned the word Gaslighting. I had no idea that was a thing or how it even works.

[CorsiHockeyLeague]

Originally Posted by corporatejay

Today I learned the word Gaslighting. I had no idea that was a thing or how it even works.

The term comes from a 1944 film starring Ingrid Bergman.

[peter12]

Originally Posted by corporatejay

Today I learned the word Gaslighting. I had no idea that was a thing or how it even works.

The foundation of emotional abuse.

[undercoverbrother]

Originally Posted by peter12

The foundation of emotional abuse.

So not holding a lighter to your ass when you fart?

[peter12]

Originally Posted by undercoverbrother

So not holding a lighter to your ass when you fart?

That comes after.

[Cecil Terwilliger]

I'm not sure there is much you can do.

Maybe try and level with him in a calm way. Listen to his complaints about you without denying them. This only really works if you think he's not totally unstable, which you said he is and that makes it tricky.

Most Managers and HR depts won't do much unless you have proof and/or the situation is extreme. If it is your word against his and the stakes are low, I wouldn't expect a lot of help. At best you'll get some sort of mediation but you'll probably ruin your reputation as much as his and all they'll do is put you both in the same room and have you agree to play nice.

[blankall]

Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger

No, no, no. Random stranger internet protocol dictates that we need to assume that the OP is lying or just plain incompetent. Don't offer encouragement or solutions. Question his behaviour, his resolve. Question his motives. When he says he's helpless, blame him. When he says he's tried solutions, question his honesty. Our digging and distrust will only make him stronger. We are random stranger internet advice givers dammit!

Don't forget the "holier than though" attitude. You need to make it clear that this is his fault and that you have never been caught in a situation you didn't with admirably. When that fails make up fake credentials and experience for yourself.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by troutman

I loved Zell Miller challenging Conan to a duel:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSu5mgjurhA

Zell: You have insulted me, and now I demand satisfaction!
Conan: What are you talking about?
Zell: I challenge you to meet me tomorrow on the field of Alldar we will each walk ten paces then I will turn and put my musket ball through your insolent brain!
Conan: Wait a minute I haven't, I'm not going to shoot guns with you.
Zell: Then swords it is! At dawn tomorry I shall skewer your spleen with my Confederate saber and feed your bowls to my ravenous blood hound Antietam.
Conan: Wait I'm sorry I am not having a sword fight with you.
Zell: Well then I will bash your head in with a trash can lid!
Conan: No, No, Sir I'm sorry but none of this is going to happen
Zell: Then you leave me no choice, but to fight you baboon style!
Conan: Baboon Style?
Zell: That's right sir, meet me in the Jungle Canopy, were we will both present our red and swollen posteriors, whose ever backside is most inflamed will get to plant his seed dominant seed in the simian womb of the female baboon! Eight A.M. tomorrow!
Conan: Sir, sir you're not a baboon
Zell: How dare you!

If I could thank you for this more than once I would. That was hilarious!

[stampsx2]

Originally Posted by Cecil Terwilliger

No, no, no. Random stranger internet protocol dictates that we need to assume that the OP is lying or just plain incompetent. Don't offer encouragement or solutions. Question his behaviour, his resolve. Question his motives. When he says he's helpless, blame him. When he says he's tried solutions, question his honesty. Our digging and distrust will only make him stronger. We are random stranger internet advice givers dammit!

Yes and when someone has their hands full with groceries it's best to question why they didn't make two trips instead of holding the door open for them.

[taco.vidal]

Originally Posted by peter12

You are way too nice, and unfortunately, guys like this take advantage. Look at how you can protect yourself professionally, and if safety is a real concern, then you have to remove yourself from the situation.

Are you telling him to quit and move like you did?

[Leeman4Gilmour]

Originally Posted by AcGold

Well his grievances began when he would ask me for my time and I wouldn't be able to jump to them. He'd ask if I could talk at 9pm, then when I was too tired to properly discuss the project (I have 4 jobs) he'd begrudgringly say ok wait for tomorrow.

Then when I'd see him he'd be livid. He'd have hatred and scorn in his eyes and he'd lecture me about how I'm inconsistent, a liar and trying to push him around.

What would he say? Probably that I'm a liar, unreliable and not good at music production because I change plans and don't stick to my word.

Even though I completed a 120 hour project for them in 6 days in 50 hours for no pay and helped shoot 7 music videos. He would demand the job gets done in a week even though realistically a better job would have been done with the 120 hours and a few weeks to process and properly finish the mastering process. He didn't care I have 4 jobs, he'd crap all over them and insult me if I tried to bring it up. I don't want to quit this job it's awsome but damn I made friends with the wrong person.

I have no relatable experience but, I did google "record producer percentage" and found you should earn at least 4% in royalties. Make it 12% and tell him you'll change it if he finds other employment

[peter12]

Originally Posted by blankall

Don't forget the "holier than though" attitude. You need to make it clear that this is his fault and that you have never been caught in a situation you didn't with admirably. When that fails make up fake credentials and experience for yourself.

Also make it clear that you are an alpha male. Subtly.

[peter12]

Originally Posted by taco.vidal

Are you telling him to quit and move like you did?

No, that's what I chose to do, obviously. He can do what he thinks is best given his situation. I also had a number of other factors which affected my decision. This is an adult thing. You understand that, right?

[Bring_Back_Shantz]

"Crazy Person (use his real name), it's obvious that we have problems interacting on a personal level, however this is a professional environment, and it would be in both of our best interests to treat it as such. I'm more than happy to discuss work related maters with you, and from now on I would prefer if we limited our interaction to professional matters only."

Email that to him, CC HR and document any times that he is aggressive, note what was said, when, where, and who else was present.

If you do all that you'll have a pretty rock solid case to protect yourself should it come to some sort of confrontation.

[puckedoff]

There's a lot of unstable people in the music industry, just the way it is.

[AcGold]

Originally Posted by Bring_Back_Shantz

"Crazy Person (use his real name), it's obvious that we have problems interacting on a personal level, however this is a professional environment, and it would be in both of our best interests to treat it as such. I'm more than happy to discuss work related maters with you, and from now on I would prefer if we limited our interaction to professional matters only."

Email that to him, CC HR and document any times that he is aggressive, note what was said, when, where, and who else was present.

If you do all that you'll have a pretty rock solid case to protect yourself should it come to some sort of confrontation.

Thank you all for the levity I had a good laugh. Thank you Shantz this is exactly what I will do, I do not want to quit it's so good (first real career software job yay!)

[stampsx2]

Originally Posted by AcGold

Well his grievances began when he would ask me for my time and I wouldn't be able to jump to them. He'd ask if I could talk at 9pm, then when I was too tired to properly discuss the project (I have 4 jobs) he'd begrudgringly say ok wait for tomorrow.

You sound passive and that makes it easy for him. Sounds like he needs somebody to blame for his issues. Might be at a loss why he is the way he is.

I think all you can do is listen and be understanding. If you get tired of that then do your best to move on. Don't give him any fuel for his fire so to speak.

You've done a lot to try to help him already. More than most people have or would.