So I have a tree in my backyard that is dying...

[To Be Quite Honest]

Arboristuffing,

Welcome to the exciting world of Arboristuff. Take great care in following these steps for a beautiful Tree that will out stand the test of time itself. Remember to follow the noted steps as we don't want to "Abhorrer", we want to "Arboristuff". First you'd have to rub it down with massage oil. Get deep into the knots to make sure that there is enough moisture. Use the Whilim Wood Overture method. Once complete, after 6 months of setting, coat the tree with 3 layers of Simpsons bee tree wax. It is very important to use Simpsons because if you use Amibola bees wax, you will start to attract killer bees into the neibourhood and that isn't going to help you if you start a thread here about "How do I get rid of migrating killer bees?". After furiously rubbing the wax in an up and down method the wax itself will start to flake if you don't try to adhere it with heat right away. This is where you want to use the Flammenwerfer 35, I understand that this part sounds ridiculous, but there is no other tool that will bake a roast turkey and melt Simpsons bee tree wax like the FmW 35. At this stage it almost looks like it is done but you're only half way there, and truly, congratulations on getting this far. You've shown true sandbox nature and a real outdoors man charm. At this point there is an unnatural shine on your new formed Tim Burton. This needs to be magnified 1000x's so generations can witness it's subtle beauty. Now you need to vigorously rub this thing down to make sure it says firm and stout and solid. Nothing is worse than an erect piece of wood that's hollow and visually lifeless. It's important to use a wood friendly sanitized cloth for such a task and it's luckily that you decided to Arboristuff just recently; as we all know, this ancient tradition, and thought you were the only one, died out far to soon only to be fortunately resurrected by the insatiable Japanese Dorodango Artist "Mokuzai Bassai". You must take the cloth and wrap it around your trunk and alternatively swing your arms and hips. This is going to take years to properly polish your dead wood to the shine you know your neighborhood deserves. You can use you hands like in ancient times but you do need to work for a living... Right? So don't half @55 it like the time the Arboristuffer Richard Holdings did in 1376. He was the worst. Once you get the tree to shine at 250 gloss units you'll be just about done. At last you can add the final touch of carving you initials into the trunk right in the middle for everyone to see.

Congratulations in your Arboristuffing.

Caution, climbing animals such as cats, or flying animals like birds will #### up your #### and make the job twice as hard. It is recommended to keep the animals far away from your 15 year project. It is recommended to keep all animals, when caught on the tree, in your garage. Good luck and keep pictures for you children's children's children's children!

[gargamel]

This guy seems to know how to do it, but it sounds like more of a pain in the ass than learning to tie a tie. Still, I think you should go for it.

[Minnie]

Originally Posted by To Be Quite Honest

Arboristuffing,

Welcome to the exciting world of Arboristuff. Take great care in following these steps for a beautiful Tree that will out stand the test of time itself. Remember to follow the noted steps as we don't want to "Abhorrer", we want to "Arboristuff". First you'd have to rub it down with massage oil. Get deep into the knots to make sure that there is enough moisture. Use the Whilim Wood Overture method. Once complete, after 6 months of setting, coat the tree with 3 layers of Simpsons bee tree wax. It is very important to use Simpsons because if you use Amibola bees wax, you will start to attract killer bees into the neibourhood and that isn't going to help you if you start a thread here about "How do I get rid of migrating killer bees?". After furiously rubbing the wax in an up and down method the wax itself will start to flake if you don't try to adhere it with heat right away. This is where you want to use the Flammenwerfer 35, I understand that this part sounds ridiculous, but there is no other tool that will bake a roast turkey and melt Simpsons bee tree wax like the FmW 35. At this stage it almost looks like it is done but you're only half way there, and truly, congratulations on getting this far. You've shown true sandbox nature and a real outdoors man charm. At this point there is an unnatural shine on your new formed Tim Burton. This needs to be magnified 1000x's so generations can witness it's subtle beauty. Now you need to vigorously rub this thing down to make sure it says firm and stout and solid. Nothing is worse than an erect piece of wood that's hollow and visually lifeless. It's important to use a wood friendly sanitized cloth for such a task and it's luckily that you decided to Arboristuff just recently; as we all know, this ancient tradition, and thought you were the only one, died out far to soon only to be fortunately resurrected by the insatiable Japanese Dorodango Artist "Mokuzai Bassai". You must take the cloth and wrap it around your trunk and alternatively swing your arms and hips. This is going to take years to properly polish your dead wood to the shine you know your neighborhood deserves. You can use you hands like in ancient times but you do need to work for a living... Right? So don't half @55 it like the time the Arboristuffer Richard Holdings did in 1376. He was the worst. Once you get the tree to shine at 250 gloss units you'll be just about done. At last you can add the final touch of carving you initials into the trunk right in the middle for everyone to see.

Congratulations in your Arboristuffing.

Caution, climbing animals such as cats, or flying animals like birds will #### up your #### and make the job twice as hard. It is recommended to keep the animals far away from your 15 year project. It is recommended to keep all animals, when caught on the tree, in your garage. Good luck and keep pictures for you children's children's children's children!

Coles Notes:

[DownhillGoat]

Originally Posted by Sliver

Yeah that's kind of along the lines of what I want to do, less all the detail. Think more like Burning Man. A big huge guy with vague features.

I think you should do it up like a tree I saw in Switzerland:

NSFW!

[Fuzz]

Originally Posted by Flames_Gimp

for best results I think you should sand the entire tree by hand, start at 60 grit and work you're way up to 1500 grit, and then do about 10 coats of polyurethane.

and remember - before applying the final coat, do a light sanding.

post pics of your progress!

Or if you are lazy like me, put the laquor in a paint sprayer and go to town on it. Leave the bark on, a heavy enough coat will get it to stick together.

[blueski]

Originally Posted by Flames_Gimp

for best results I think you should sand the entire tree by hand, start at 60 grit and work you're way up to 1500 grit, and then do about 10 coats of polyurethane.

and remember - before applying the final coat, do a light sanding.

post pics of your progress!

No, I disagree, sanding opens up the pores on the log and then you need to constantly stain it year after year. What you need to do is use a knife and either peel it like you would a log on a log home or whittle our axe it into some kind of work of art. The knife action will close the pores of the wood and seal it forever. There are Norse homes built a thousand years old still standing today with this method.

[nfotiu]

We are all born naked and we shall all die naked
Just like the trees.... Unless they are clothed.

[Fuzz]

Originally Posted by nfotiu

We are all born naked and we shall all die naked
Just like the trees.... Unless they are clothed.

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by kunkstyle

I think you should do it up like a tree I saw in Switzerland:

NSFW!

I choose to believe that is a giant mushroom versus a big dong.

[Sliver]

Originally Posted by DoubleF

Why not research how to build, preserve, and maintain a totem pole? Probably some ideas and tips that will carry over? Minus the fact yours will be more crab thingy with red LED eyes vs a pole.

Dare I suggest glow in the dark paint?

That's a good idea. I think I need to figure out first why/how the tree is dying first, though. If it is rotting from the inside somehow, it's unlikely treatment from the outside will preserve it (I think?).

Peeling the bark off like a log home is what I had in mind for debarking it. The bark actually comes off quite easily on this tree so I don't think that would be a terrible job.

Next step I'm going to plan out the shape I'd want. If I can come up with something cool, I'll prune it into my shape. There's nothing really to lose since it'll have to be removed if this plan doesn't work, anyway. If I prune it and it looks stupid, I'll just carry on and get rid of it. If it looks cool, I'll have a very unique large sculpture in my backyard for years to come at basically no cost. Maybe I'll even put a tree fort in it.

[#-3]

Originally Posted by kunkstyle

I think you should do it up like a tree I saw in Switzerland:

NSFW!

Is that A giant mushroom on your stump or are you just happy to see me?

[Flames_Gimp]

Originally Posted by blueski

No, I disagree, sanding opens up the pores on the log and then you need to constantly stain it year after year. What you need to do is use a knife and either peel it like you would a log on a log home or whittle our axe it into some kind of work of art. The knife action will close the pores of the wood and seal it forever. There are Norse homes built a thousand years old still standing today with this method.

Oh I just wanted to keep him busy for a lonnnnggggggg time. I like your idea, but he should use a potato peeler

[DoubleF]

Originally Posted by Sliver

That's a good idea. I think I need to figure out first why/how the tree is dying first, though. If it is rotting from the inside somehow, it's unlikely treatment from the outside will preserve it (I think?).

Peeling the bark off like a log home is what I had in mind for debarking it. The bark actually comes off quite easily on this tree so I don't think that would be a terrible job.

Next step I'm going to plan out the shape I'd want. If I can come up with something cool, I'll prune it into my shape. There's nothing really to lose since it'll have to be removed if this plan doesn't work, anyway. If I prune it and it looks stupid, I'll just carry on and get rid of it. If it looks cool, I'll have a very unique large sculpture in my backyard for years to come at basically no cost. Maybe I'll even put a tree fort in it.

I can't imagine taking a saw, cutting out a few inches section towards the core, clearing the rot, lacquering the inside, then putting the cut-out section back in (lacquered of course) being out of the question.

Another option is drilling a large hole from the top to remove internal rot and just filling the entire hole with a varnish, resin with a foam noodle taking up most of the empty space (varnish or whatever the area between noodle and wood) or something.

Now, the scraping of the bark sounds tedious. Any options for a more... modern industrial option like sandblasting? Strips the bark potentially or just creates an interesting textured look on the bark, blasts away dirt and other things for a cleaner lacquering surface and a lot faster?

Have you also considered a canopy/awning or gazebo of some sort to try and protect your art from the elements of some sort? Gazebo might be weird though. Someone might report you for satanic tree worship or something. (Red LED eyes wouldn't help)


If you have to remove it anyways, why not just turn it into a bench of sorts?

[blueski]

How much girth does the tree have?

[Zevo]

Doesn't sound like something a good Lake Bonavistian would do.

[Barnes]

I think you should cut the tree down mill it into lumber and build and old timey outhouse for garage parties.

[Sliver]

So I saw a guy in my neighbourhood that must be preparing to cut down a tree or something, but he had sawed off all the branches with leaves, so he was just left with the trunk and main branches. I actually thought it looked pretty cool, but I'm probably out to lunch on this.

A good litmus test for a project like this is to do the old 'if everybody else did this, how would things look'? The answer is terrible. I think I'm going to just chop down the tree and plant a new one. Thanks for chiming in, guys.

[DownhillGoat]

Well that was anti-climactic.

[jeffporfirio]

Disappointing...I was hoping for at least 10+ epic pages of "kramer-esque" discussion

[AcGold]

You should cut it down, I had a tree that was dying and one day it split in half and fell on me. Only then did I regret leaving it.