Losing a parent

[Dion]

I lost my father to Colon Cancer at 40 (he was 66). You think you're never going to recover but you will. Time heals pain and we all recover in our own unique way. Life doesn't prepare us for this and we quickly realise the human will to move on is stronger than we think.

Spend as much time as you can with your father and heal any differences you have. You also have time to say goodbye and thank him for being the gretest father ever. I was given that chance and I am garteful for the time I got to spend with him.

Try to be strong for your mother as she is going to need all the emotional support she can get.

There will be places/events/situations that will remind you of your father when he is gone. Mine are on the golf course and watching hockey live and on tv. It doesn't have to be a sad event event but rather a time where you can look back and reflect on all the good times you had with your father. Death takes the living person but not the memories we have of our loved ones.

One thing I learned from my father death is that life is precious and we should cherish the time we have now and never take life for granted.

Send me a PM if you feel need any help.

[keratosis]

Lost both within 10 years. No good words. A day doesn't pass I don't think about my mom. It does get easier, but you never loose that feeling of missing. It becomes part of your day. YMMV. Now I'm seriously missing her.

[Suzles]

I highly recommend the grief group at Rocky View Hospital. They have an 'adult child losing a parent' group. It was invaluable. Saved my life.

[RogerWilco]

I lost my Mother over 10 years ago when I was 30 and she was 62 from melanoma. Just love your father as much as you can for the time you have left, that is pretty much all you can do. It is tough no matter what age you are.

[Northendzone]

My mom has alzhiemers/dementia she seems to think I am her brother. She is still alive, but this is the long kiss goodbye

[annasuave]

I lost my dad when I was 25. He was 52. His death came as complete surprise, and was by his own choosing. For what its worth I don't believe it makes any difference if its due to an illness and you know its coming, or if it happens suddenly and you had no warning. It's sad and painful and scary and lonely no matter how it happens.

If I could offer any advice at all, I would say try not dwell on it in the meantime. However much time you get to have with your dad, be it weeks or months, use this time to build memories of him. If there's anything you want your dad to know about you, or your relationship with him, or any special memories you have about growing up - now is the time to share them. If there's anything you want to know about your dad, his experiences, his memories, or his unique points of view - ask him. I'm betting he'd be happy to tell you. You can't dodge the elephant in the room, and nor should you try, but don't make the inevitable outcome the focus of the time left.

On the day of my dad's funeral, I remember standing on 17th Avenue outside the funeral home and being completely flummoxed as to why traffic was still moving, and why people were going to and fro, and how it could possibly be that life was carrying on as normal for everyone but me. I felt like the world ought to just stop - at least for a moment or two.

It wont. It doesn't. And that's important. For all the shock and numbness of it, life does go on. Even yours. The shock does wear off, the sadness does diminish, and your life really will carry on.

Like other's have said, I highly recommend a grief counselor. It won't help you be any less sad. I'm sorry to say it, but the pain of losing your dad is yours to carry. If you think about it this way - if there were some way to lessen the pain, wouldn't that kind of diminish the memory and love you have for your father? A grief counselor can help you see how normal the feelings you're having are, and help you move forward more grounded and certain of yourself.

26 is young to lose your dad, and I'm very sorry you're facing this. Years from now you might look back and feel a bit of a twinge knowing that he missed your wedding, your graduation, your kids (and you missed having him there for them) but hopefully you will also remember that he was there for you so much of the time when you were young and needed him most. 26 is too soon, really to say goodbye. But your dad is saying goodbye to you when you are an adult. He's raised you. He's shown you all the important things he knows. He's told you all the things your really need to know. He's been your father for 26 years and he's set you up as best he can for you to live the best life you can.

I think you'll find lots of support here if you need it, when you need it.

[calgarygringo]

Get help where and when you need it and get on with life as back to normal you can as soon as you can. I lost both parents and have also been through a worse experience our stepson passed surprisingly at 15 from an epilectic seizure in his sleep. My wife found him dead in his bed in the morning as he never came up for school. I had been around since he was very small so was like my own. It was more devistating than the parents but trying to get life back to normal as soon as possible really helped. If you just sit back and grieve forever it will take forever to get over it.
Keep busy and try to keep your mind off it as much as you can and it will eventually become a good memory and not part of your life every minute of every day.

[bagofpucks]

Unfortunately, our family went through this earlier in the year. My dad passed away very suddenly; we were actually on vacation in Asia and had to make an emergency trip back home, but didn't make it in time. By far, the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. My biggest fear in life was losing my parents and it has been a really tough experience.

Some good advice I've gotten along the way so far:
1) Life is for the living; cherish the memories, honor the legacy, but don't get too caught up in sadness or anger.
2) Do what you need to do. Some people need counselling, some people need family, some people need space.
3) People who have parents as best friends are amazingly lucky. Feel comfort in knowing that you got to have a relationship that many people don't get. One happy thing for me is I know that my relationship with my dad prepared me for anything the world can throw at me and he was the perfect role model for how to live your life.
4) A big one for me was to understand that no matter how it happens, it would always be horrible. I struggled a lot with the circumstances around our situation (not there the help my family, far away, having to rush home after getting the terrible news). No matter how he passed, it was going to be terrible, and everything could always be worse.

I'm very sorry you have to go through this. One silly thing that still affects me is that I hate to think that everyone has to go through this, and we all do.

[Jonrox]

I have a couple of thoughts for you... I lost my dad 3 years ago.

Go to a grief counselor early. Don't leave it. It helps tremendously. The first few days are really tough.

Surround yourself with friends and family. Celebrate your dad's life and have some laughs if you can. We told a lot of stories about family vacations, funny memories, and actually watched some funny movies. That's who my dad was... A fun loving kind of guy that loves to laugh. He would have wanted us to keep living and laughing so that's what we did. There sure were some tears but celebrating his life is what he would have wanted.

The one thing nobody mentioned to me was the dreams. The first one I had that he was in shook me up pretty bad. But now I love them. It's like getting him back for a night, even if it's just a dream. It's pretty amazing how good I feel when I wake up after I have one now.

My counselor told me to keep having conversations with him... Out loud. It might feel like it's a one-sided chat, but trust me it helps. 3 years later I still do it and it's pretty cool. It's still comforting. I thought it would be awkward and silly, but it's not at all.

I like to think he can hear me talking but just can't respond with words like he used to. And really for all I know he can... I've never passed away before so I don't know. I just know it can't hurt to keep talking to him from time to time.

[gildo]

I lost my father suddenly and unexpectedly a while back. I really enjoyed reading all of your comments and to read that people have gone through similar thoughts and experiences and realized I am not alone. I know this is bit off topic but this story (link below) of Travis Hamonic blew me away and really gave me a new found respect for him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aeTQD-XHoY

[bluck]

Thank you all for your kind responses and words it makes me feel that I'm not alone in this which helps tremendously. Everyone has been very supportive and work is even letting me work 4 hours in the morning and are allowing me to spend time with him. We went by the water the other day and I was able to wheel him across the boardwalk. It was a memory i'll cherish forever. The hardest part for me is knowing that it will get worse very fast. He is suffering from a brain tumor and the tumor is now affecting his vision. He can no longer see out of one eye. Eventually it will affect his ability to walk, get out of bed, eat and even the ability to go to the washroom by himself. Seeing him suffer in this way is heartbreaking and this is by far the worst pain I have ever felt. I just feel so so helpless and it is truly killing me inside knowing he will only suffer even more in the next few days.

[harmony]

Not all of us are fortunate enough to have a loving father like you. You are lucky to have had him, and that will sustain you the rest of the way.

[CaptainYooh]

Bluck, I lost my Mom to cancer last fall and that left a huge hole in my heart. I am not over it yet. There has not been a single day since then that I have not had a thought about her. I am not comfortable sharing my personal feelings publicly but, privately, I can share with you how we handled some of the things we had to go through in her last couple of months, which were the most terryfying and difficult. PM me, I will respond.

[FireFly]

Not my parents but my sister passed away when I was 16. The school counsellor spoke with all of us at the time and actually advised that the death of a loved one usually hits the hardest later on.... between 6 months and a year. Be on the lookout for signs of depression well after your father passes. Everyone deals with grief differently and you should never be ashamed of your feelings. Take solace in the time you had with your father and cherish the memories.

[calumniate]

My dad passed due to cancer last year. Not the way you'd like to see someone go and the battle was long. Unfortunately I'd had young friends pass with cancer before this. It's the worst but at least you get to say your goodbyes and appreciate how resilient and strong some people can be. Always seems to happen to the best people
:-(

[calumniate]

Originally Posted by bluck

Thank you all for your kind responses and words it makes me feel that I'm not alone in this which helps tremendously. Everyone has been very supportive and work is even letting me work 4 hours in the morning and are allowing me to spend time with him. We went by the water the other day and I was able to wheel him across the boardwalk. It was a memory i'll cherish forever. The hardest part for me is knowing that it will get worse very fast. He is suffering from a brain tumor and the tumor is now affecting his vision. He can no longer see out of one eye. Eventually it will affect his ability to walk, get out of bed, eat and even the ability to go to the washroom by himself. Seeing him suffer in this way is heartbreaking and this is by far the worst pain I have ever felt. I just feel so so helpless and it is truly killing me inside knowing he will only suffer even more in the next few days.

The worst thing for me was when my dad ended up in a surgery wing that was not palliative. My dad was a tough guy and in his day risked his life in the Arctic and did all kinds of crazy things, and basically enjoyed pain and adventure. But to hear his screams when they did simple things like moving him in the end was the worst. His pain must have been through the roof and was not really fair.

That said, all I can say is try to ensure he's as comfortable as possible and speak out on his behalf. We spoke up but logistics were such that we couldn't get things right for a number of days. I'm still kicking myself for it.