Dating as a single dad

[albertGQ]

Originally Posted by OMG!WTF!

I really can't imagine anyone with kids actually thinks that way. The implication in parenting is that you've given up your number 1 card. But I guess if you have a way to explain to your kid that you are not going to spend time with them because you need to be happy and the only way to do that is to spend time with a cute chick/guy instead, then go for it. But I'm pretty sure the implication there is that "my dad doesn't like spending time with me".

I agree with this. Both my boys are #1. My wife and I are both a distant 2nd.

[CrazyCaper]

Originally Posted by OMG!WTF!

I really can't imagine anyone with kids actually thinks that way. The implication in parenting is that you've given up your number 1 card. But I guess if you have a way to explain to your kid that you are not going to spend time with them because you need to be happy and the only way to do that is to spend time with a cute chick/guy instead, then go for it. But I'm pretty sure the implication there is that "my dad doesn't like spending time with me".

My kids are(and always will be) my #1 priority. Let's make that clear right now!!! However, just because I'm a parent, does that mean that I forfeit the opportunity to try and have a relationship as well? That's why I reached out to the CP community to ask for advice at making this work well for all parties involved. I don't need to feel like I'm being judged for wanting someone who cares about me in my life, other than my kids.

[troutman]

Originally Posted by CrazyCaper

My kids are(and always will be) my #1 priority. Let's make that clear right now!!! However, just because I'm a parent, does that mean that I forfeit the opportunity to try and have a relationship as well? That's why I reached out to the CP community to ask for advice at making this work well for all parties involved. I don't need to feel like I'm being judged for wanting someone who cares about me in my life, other than my kids.

You can say that your heart is full of love from your children, and that the well is unlimited. You can share it.

[ResAlien]

I've found that laying groundwork early helps, clear expectations. I am available on these days, my kid is priority #1, you can meet the spawnling down the line if things work but I have to keep my child's best interests in mind etc. If you're good with this then we can move forward, if not thanks but see you later.

It has worked with mixed results but that's a good thing. Someone worth keeping around should be understanding and willing to work with you, someone who's not is perhaps better suited to date someone who isn't a single parent.

[OMG!WTF!]

Originally Posted by CrazyCaper

My kids are(and always will be) my #1 priority. Let's make that clear right now!!! However, just because I'm a parent, does that mean that I forfeit the opportunity to try and have a relationship as well? That's why I reached out to the CP community to ask for advice at making this work well for all parties involved. I don't need to feel like I'm being judged for wanting someone who cares about me in my life, other than my kids.

Well, if there is only one correct answer to your question, why ask it? My first point was, it depends on how old your kids are. If they're not in school, then you don't have time to date. If they're in high school and have a level of independence, then maybe you do have time. If your kids are awarded an hour with you in the am, and an hour in the pm and a vacant house/babysitter the rest of the time, they're getting the short end of the stick. If your gf only gets one night a week with you, she's probably getting the short end of the stick. Who would you rather rip off?

If all you want is assurance that your kids are fine with you dating somone, you're not really asking a question. You're just giddy about meeting someone. And if you're touchy about the possibility that they are not fine with it, then maybe you're putting your kids behind your need to have a relationship. But without details of your life, you're not going to get anything but a philosophical point.

My one and only point is true....you only get one chance to prove to your kids that they are number 1. Not having a relationship for a few years while your kid grows up is not a big deal. You had a relationship when you made the kid. You will have decades to have a relationship when the kid is grown up. If you're confident they feel that they are number 1, then you probably have time to date.

[Russic]

Originally Posted by OMG!WTF!

I really can't imagine anyone with kids actually thinks that way. The implication in parenting is that you've given up your number 1 card. But I guess if you have a way to explain to your kid that you are not going to spend time with them because you need to be happy and the only way to do that is to spend time with a cute chick/guy instead, then go for it. But I'm pretty sure the implication there is that "my dad doesn't like spending time with me".

Actually I agree with her. I don't think of it as a #1/#2 sort of thing, but more of a shifting focus. I don't think she literally means the kids get crated with the dog while dad goes out to party. I'd echo the sentiment that being in a happy/healthy place is a very important part of being a good parent. I don't see anything wrong with hiring a babysitter and telling the kid you're going out (within reason). If the new girlfriend is comfortable not having 100% access all the time, then it's her decision if she's being short changed or not.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by OMG!WTF!

Well, if there is only one correct answer to your question, why ask it? My first point was, it depends on how old your kids are. If they're not in school, then you don't have time to date. If they're in high school and have a level of independence, then maybe you do have time. If your kids are awarded an hour with you in the am, and an hour in the pm and a vacant house/babysitter the rest of the time, they're getting the short end of the stick. If your gf only gets one night a week with you, she's probably getting the short end of the stick. Who would you rather rip off?

If all you want is assurance that your kids are fine with you dating somone, you're not really asking a question. You're just giddy about meeting someone. And if you're touchy about the possibility that they are not fine with it, then maybe you're putting your kids behind your need to have a relationship. But without details of your life, you're not going to get anything but a philosophical point.

My one and only point is true....you only get one chance to prove to your kids that they are number 1. Not having a relationship for a few years while your kid grows up is not a big deal. You had a relationship when you made the kid. You will have decades to have a relationship when the kid is grown up. If you're confident they feel that they are number 1, then you probably have time to date.

Any hour with me is like a lifetime.

[Northendzone]

would seem to me that if you have a pre-school child that you should still be able to date - you might not have as much flexibility, but you still have some time somewhere for a relationship

[Bagor]

Originally Posted by OMG!WTF!

My one and only point is true....you only get one chance to prove to your kids that they are number 1. Not having a relationship for a few years while your kid grows up is not a big deal. You had a relationship when you made the kid. You will have decades to have a relationship when the kid is grown up. If you're confident they feel that they are number 1, then you probably have time to date.

I want to try and understand what you are saying.

Are you saying that if the OP's kids are say 5 & 7 that he should forego all chances of a relationship for the next ten years? And to do otherwise he would be selfish and a less than perfect parent?

He's already stated that his kids are #1. Why would he NOT then be confident that they feel that they are #1? Why ask that question?

Are you totally closed to the concept that OP can have a relationship whilst still making his kids #1 priority? That there is the possibility of over time integrating the two parties?

[troutman]

You will find too (depending on the age of your children) that they want you to be happy. They don't want you to be lonely. Older kids may even play matchmaker.

My children have enjoyed good relationships with their new step-siblings, and I can only call it a positive influence in their lives. Some good luck and hard work helped that along.

[FireFly]

Originally Posted by OMG!WTF!

I really can't imagine anyone with kids actually thinks that way. The implication in parenting is that you've given up your number 1 card. But I guess if you have a way to explain to your kid that you are not going to spend time with them because you need to be happy and the only way to do that is to spend time with a cute chick/guy instead, then go for it. But I'm pretty sure the implication there is that "my dad doesn't like spending time with me".

Actually the implication in parenting is that I recognize that a strong self and a strong relationship with my husband makes for the best parenting I can give my kids.

Are you suggesting that you will be at your children's beck and call forever? Because it sounds to me like you would forego any personal happiness for that of your children which will lead them to have unreal expectations when they grow up and have to be adults themselves.

[OMG!WTF!]

Originally Posted by FireFly

Actually the implication in parenting is that I recognize that a strong self and a strong relationship with my husband makes for the best parenting I can give my kids.

Are you suggesting that you will be at your children's beck and call forever? Because it sounds to me like you would forego any personal happiness for that of your children which will lead them to have unreal expectations when they grow up and have to be adults themselves.

Well yeah, a great marriage is fantastic in all regards. Everybody wins. But short of that, I can tell you one thing for sure, the last person who would ever know I was sad, lonely, unhappy because I was single would be my daughter. And the second last person to know would be my son. That's pretty much the exact opposite example I'd want to give any kid. I'd really rather my kid not set the default switch to "gotta be in a relationship to define my self worth and be happy". There's just over a million ways to be happy without a boy/girlfriend.

So this whole whimpy business about "I need to be happy and satisfied to be a good parent" is complete nonsense. If you can't have a strong self without someone else attached to you, you've completely misunderstood the word "self".

[FireFly]

Originally Posted by OMG!WTF!

Well yeah, a great marriage is fantastic in all regards. Everybody wins. But short of that, I can tell you one thing for sure, the last person who would ever know I was sad, lonely, unhappy because I was single would be my daughter. And the second last person to know would be my son. That's pretty much the exact opposite example I'd want to give any kid. I'd really rather my kid not set the default switch to "gotta be in a relationship to define my self worth and be happy". There's just over a million ways to be happy without a boy/girlfriend.

So this whole whimpy business about "I need to be happy and satisfied to be a good parent" is complete nonsense. If you can't have a strong self without someone else attached to you, you've completely misunderstood the word "self".

I never said anything about having to be attached to have a strong self. I said that if you're in a relationship, having a strong one is best for your children. I guess you've misunderstood me.

I'm not saying children aren't important or that you should ignore them, I'm saying that sometimes adults need adult companionship to keep their sanity and keep them grounded in who they are. It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship; it could just be friends.

Also, I believe you underestimate how observant kids are.

[afc wimbledon]

Brought my daughter up as a shared custody single dad from her 9th birthday or there abouts, dated throughout with quite a few women, none of them met my daughter really, the one or two that did was only after I'd been with them for a long time (as in years) and even then it was limited to the occasional meal at a restaurant or coffee, I worked really hard to keep both sides separate, cost me most of the relationships with the women but gave me a strong healthy daughter who felt her life was more stable after the separation than before (my ex being a piece of work frankly). You get more time to yourself to date as a single parent when your kids with your ex, than any still married parent does to be frank, I always told my girlfriends, when I'm with my kid I'm with her, when I'm not that's your time.

The two things kids need to thrive are stability and love, and of the two stabilities probably more important. Don't introduce your kid to anyone unless you absolutely know they are going to be there for good. Your kids already had more chaos in his or her life than they deserve, your job is to not add to that.

[Russic]

Originally Posted by OMG!WTF!

Well yeah, a great marriage is fantastic in all regards. Everybody wins. But short of that, I can tell you one thing for sure, the last person who would ever know I was sad, lonely, unhappy because I was single would be my daughter. And the second last person to know would be my son. That's pretty much the exact opposite example I'd want to give any kid. I'd really rather my kid not set the default switch to "gotta be in a relationship to define my self worth and be happy". There's just over a million ways to be happy without a boy/girlfriend.

So this whole whimpy business about "I need to be happy and satisfied to be a good parent" is complete nonsense. If you can't have a strong self without someone else attached to you, you've completely misunderstood the word "self".

We're going to have to agree to really disagree on that one. Kids aren't morons... you can't just put a beanie on, spin the propellor and tell them you're happy if you actually aren't. That doesn't even factor in how unhealthy it can be for some people to cram their problems in a small, tumour-sized ball and ignore them.

I don't think the OP is a lost baby dear, unable to cope in the world without a mate. He's just lonely. That's not a sign of weakness nor is it particularly uncommon with divorced people. I think it's awesome if you can be happy and completely contented without a partner, but painting all people like that is tantamount to telling a depressed person to just go for a walk because that works for you.

[troutman]

Originally Posted by afc wimbledon

Brought my daughter up as a shared custody single dad from her 9th birthday or there abouts, dated throughout with quite a few women, none of them met my daughter really, the one or two that did was only after I'd been with them for a long time (as in years) and even then it was limited to the occasional meal at a restaurant or coffee, I worked really hard to keep both sides separate, cost me most of the relationships with the women but gave me a strong healthy daughter who felt her life was more stable after the separation than before (my ex being a piece of work frankly). You get more time to yourself to date as a single parent when your kids with your ex, than any still married parent does to be frank, I always told my girlfriends, when I'm with my kid I'm with her, when I'm not that's your time.

The two things kids need to thrive are stability and love, and of the two stabilities probably more important. Don't introduce your kid to anyone unless you absolutely know they are going to be there for good. Your kids already had more chaos in his or her life than they deserve, your job is to not add to that.

Good post. My rule of thumb was not to introduce anyone before six months. You can never really tell who is going to be there for good, so that worked well for us. Children end up repeating so much as adults that they observed from their parents.

[afc wimbledon]

Originally Posted by troutman

Good post. My rule of thumb was not to introduce anyone before six months. You can never really tell who is going to be there for good, so that worked well for us. Children end up repeating so much as adults that they observed from their parents.

I saw so many friends put their kids through a succession of girlfriends, half the time it was just because it was convenient, it provided instant childcare for when they were working on weekends or the like and split the rent and household costs.

Didn't make any sense, it's not like you can't date, I doubt I was single for more than a month or so in the decade my daughter was growing up, and you have plenty of time after to remarry.