- gratitude practice. Twice daily I write out the things I am grateful for, large or small. I've noticed that when I am feeling grateful it is not possible to feel angry or scared.
- lay off the booze.
- regular, intense exercise helps a lot.
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I also practice martial arts. I used to do this more when I was younger and I found it helped e be in more control of my reaction when I was training my hardest. I never understood why until I read a book called the Paleo Manifesto by John Durant. In it, he explores our genetic evolution and the changes in social structure that have occurred way faster than our bodies have been able to adapt. He makes a very intriguing argument that man has an instinctual need for violence because of our evolution. He cites statistics that show police officers who train in martial arts, and therefore have an outlet for their violent urges, discharge their weapons significantly less often in high tension situations than officers that do not. I found this is be extremely interesting and consistent with my own experience.
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Originally Posted by Biff
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First off, I think people need to realize that every individual person experiences anger differently. Think of it like height, most guys are in that 5'9" to 6'1" range, but occasionally you get exceptionally tall or short people. In the exact same way, most people experience what we consider a "normal" amount of anger, but occasionally there are those of us who experience much more anger than normal. These are your 6'5" guys, they're rare, but the anger they feel isn't their fault. Sure you can manage anger on the spot, but you can never really choose how much raw anger you feel in the moment.
For people like this, I can not recommend a daily practice of Vipassana enough. Studies have shown that just 30 minutes a day over the course of a few months can literally grow the grey matter in the part of your brain that is responsible for regulating emotions. Essentially you can directly reduce the amount of anger you feel in the first place, even before you start managing your anger with strategies like deep breathing.
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Last edited by TheDebaser; 12-31-2014 at 08:04 AM.
How do you deal with anger in the moment? What works for you?
I had a confrontation in a parking lot with a complete stranger. In hindsight, we both were at fault, I stood up for myself but I escalated it further than it should have gone. Now I feel regret and guilt.
How do you deal with that burning 'I need to get back at him' anger specifically in the moment? How do you catch yourself?
Just curious, what exactly happened in the parking lot that caused the anger?
I used to flip out all the time. Small things, big things.... arguments, they would always get way out of control. Never violence, but heated arguments with yelling....insults. 99% of the time I am the most peaceful guy in the world, but when that fuse was lit, I couldn't stop the reaction.
Then about 3 years ago, I had another 'snap' episode, and I made a grown man, 30 years my senior cry. Was I right about what I said? Yup. Was the delivery absolutely cruel and uncalled for? Totally. I took it way too far. I felt like a piece of crap for weeks, and made a point to sit down with them and profusely apologize for my actions.
Ever since then, once I feel the hot, shaky feeling creep in, I remember that moment 3 years ago, and no matter if I am in the right or wrong, take a walk. A good 5 minute walk. And even if the other person still wants to engage, I will say "Before either of us says something stupid, I need to go cool off for a minute." And you find by the time you take a couple laps of the building what you realize what your mind thought was the right thing to say, was completely wrong. And sometimes that nothing needs to be said at all.
I would suggest to the OP, if you really feel bad about what happened in the parking lot, remember that moment next time you get mad, and use it as your litmus test.
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In my line of work there is so much that you could get angry about that I have a lot of practice with just shaking my head and laughing. I've found anger accomplishes so little (not only at work but in general) that it's completely wasted energy and results in stress that is completely inefficient. Maybe I'm way too passive or not an alpha-male or whatever, but I try to let things roll off my back. In the grand scheme of things, our daily frustrations are meaningless.
I used be a complete spaz as a kid. I mentioned it to a hockey teammate once that until I was about 13-14, I would fly off the handle for the simplest things. My friend responded by saying "..And then you discovered masterbation.." I chuckled and after thinking about it, thought: "maybe he was right."
In all seriousness though, I find taking the approach that I really could not care less about what someone else thinks about me has helped me stay level in most situations. A lot of anger comes from embarrasment or perceived slight. If you don't take yourself too seriously, both of those things are in short supply. Understanding that the world doesn't revolve around ourselves and our own problems lets me take the idea that if someone is yelling at me for something trivial they (a) have other unseen issues or (b) are just a straight up a-hole. In either case, I don't feel as though its worthwhile to stand there in an arugment over nothing. Go find a different parking space or whatever. If the other person is that concerned with walking a few extra feet or the extra 2 min to find another space, let them stress about it.
I've become the guy who, when someone is in my face or yelling, I just smile and walk away. People might hate that, but I just don't see the need to spend energy arguing about something stupid.
The only time I really get truly angry is with myself for doing stupid stuff or forgetting things.
And if you REALLY have an anger issue, DuffMan's advice is spot on. Weed. Or therapy, whichever you like best.
Normtwofinger - Thanks a lot for posting you feelings. I have been having anger issues myself lately and it helps to know other people go through similar things.
As many other posters have mentioned what has helped me best is working out or physical exhaustion. Weed is also a big help for me.
I usually manage to keep my anger well bottled up now that I am older ( 33 ) . However sometimes it still manages to get the best of me. It has made me do many things I regret over the years, as I never been one to take abuse laying down.
I find that periods of high stress really bring out my anger so I have been doing my best to avoid extreme stress. Also avoiding booze, especially whiskey, helps tremendously.
I hope this helps a bit, if for no other reason than to know your not the only one who fights this demon.
Want to say thanks to everyone for their insights, both the serious and comical.
As for what happened. It was at the grocery store in our town. Now, in Costa Rica, especially in small towns and beach towns, it is very common and almost accepted to park like a farmer. No one ever calls out anyone on this. This particular night the lot was full. There was enough space at the entrance of the store for my truck. I shared a space with a motorbike, so basically I was straddling one space and the x'ed out area for the store entrance. Wife went in the store and I waited in the truck.
Then this man (late 50s) rolls a shopping cart out the store and lets go of it. It continues to roll and smack right into the front of my truck. He at first seemed to be in shock, like he didn't realize that he just threw a cart out into the parking lot. I was in disbelief that it just happened, shocked myself . He then says, "Sorry... but that's not a parking space" and returns inside the store. This is what set me off, shifting the blame to me. Luckily my bush guard took the impact and was already scratched up.
This is where I should have just let it go. But he happened to be parked beside me. I rolled down my window and confronted his bs remark about why it's completely my fault. Then my wife returned to see him and I in a full yelling match. The wife knocked sense into me and I just started the truck and left.
Looking back now a few days later, I should not have confronted him. I should have just let it go. Like most of you have said, in the grand scheme of things this moment is so trivial. Since it's a small town, I will have to face him again. I will be the better man and apologize for our argument.
Last edited by normtwofinger; 01-01-2015 at 06:58 PM.
Looking back now a few days later, I should not have confronted him. I should have just let it go. Like most of you have said, in the grand scheme of things this moment is so trivial. Since it's a small town, I will have to face him again. I will be the better man and apologize for our argument.
I would say yes, this moment is trivial and not worth getting riled up about, especially if there was no damage (although I know some people are crazy about their cars). But I don't think you need to apologize. Let it go, act normal and don't harbour any ill-will for the guy, but he rolled a shopping cart into your car. You don't need to apologize for that. Unless you said something really regretable to the guy, letting him know he's a clown for pushing the cart into your car is fine. You just don't have to be angry about it.
Letting go of your anger doesn't mean you just have to lay down and apologize for things that aren't your fault. It means you can just walk away without caring, because there's nothing to care about.
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