Single dads question

[gallione11]

Originally Posted by troutman

It used to be that Dads generally got the kids every second weekend, and maybe a weeknight in between. I think there has been a move away from that, where the starting point is some version of 50/50, and it is adjusted from there based on circumstances and the best interests of the children. It is likely an infant that is breast feeding would be mainly with mom. Once a child is over 14, they have a greater say in where they live. Child support is reduced once you have the child more than 40% of the time.

The research shows that children of divorce do as well as other children, when they have maximum contact with both parents.

My parents split in '94, and this is basically how it was for us, though it was done without the courts. I was 12, sister was 15 so they let us choose who to live with. We both picked my Dad since Mom was the one who cheated and left. We would head to Mom's every other weekend, the occasional weeknight event and alternated holidays.

[KTown]

Right now I have my son for 2 - 4 days every other week-end. He's just about 5. That's been the case for the first two and a half years of the split. We have shared custody but I pay her full custody money. My lawyer advised me to never give up the shared custody portion that we signed off on right at the beginning of the split as it is hard to get it later. I am a big believer that at a young age a child needs to be with there mom more than there father. I try my best with my son, but I am no mom I do realize that. I also have a different situation, I have zero family out here and get zero support when I have my son. Makes it difficult some days. He's getting easier though as he grows up I will say that. She on the other hand has an army of family here to help her out as required. I am hoping that as my son gets older we can slowly transition him to a one week on, one week off arrangement. Things are still being ironed out between the lawyers and a DRO meeting is on the horizon. I'll keep you posted.

I only have one issue with child support payments.....I wish we were allowed to see how that money is being spent. I've been told as long as he has clothes, he's fed, he's healthy, then I can never question where some of that money goes. I'm no dummy I can tell some of my money goes towards paying for my exs and her boyfriends vacations.

[troutman]

Originally Posted by KTown

Right now I have my son for 2 - 4 days every other week-end. He's just about 5. That's been the case for the first two and a half years of the split. We have shared custody but I pay her full custody money. My lawyer advised me to never give up the shared custody portion that we signed off on right at the beginning of the split as it is hard to get it later. I am a big believer that at a young age a child needs to be with there mom more than there father. I try my best with my son, but I am no mom I do realize that. I also have a different situation, I have zero family out here and get zero support when I have my son. Makes it difficult some days. He's getting easier though as he grows up I will say that. She on the other hand has an army of family here to help her out as required. I am hoping that as my son gets older we can slowly transition him to a one week on, one week off arrangement. Things are still being ironed out between the lawyers and a DRO meeting is on the horizon. I'll keep you posted.

I only have one issue with child support payments.....I wish we were allowed to see how that money is being spent. I've been told as long as he has clothes, he's fed, he's healthy, then I can never question where some of that money goes. I'm no dummy I can tell some of my money goes towards paying for my exs and her boyfriends vacations.

There are some legal terms that confused regularly.

I think what you are describing is "joint" custody, where each parent has a role in the important decisions and welfare of the child.

"Shared" custody is a creature of the child support guidelines. Once a parent has the children more than 40% of the time, you have shared custody, and depart from the normal guideline support payments.

[troutman]

Originally Posted by fotze

How do you as kids at that age get over that? A divorce is one thing but the cheating thing. I might've actually killed the parent.

People "cheat" for all kinds of reasons. It is bad behavior, but not always black and white as to blame.

[undercoverbrother]

Originally Posted by troutman

People "cheat" for all kinds of reasons. It is bad behavior, but not always black and white as to blame.

Sometimes it is the Asians fault

[Tron_fdc]

From a 3rd party standpoint (my wife has a 6yr old) 99.999% of the problems you have can be easily avoided if you (the dad) make a serious attempt at being amicable.

Most women are incredibly emotional and protective of their kids. As soon as my wife gets any indication that her ex is trying to bully her or tell her what to do, she shuts down and goes full bizatch. As a guy I can understand how tempting it is to fight the fight like it's a big business negotiation, but you're probably dealing with a big ball of emotion on the other end, so put the kid gloves on and be VERY careful how you communicate. My wife will quite gladly work outside of the custody agreement and give all kinds of extra time when she can, but if something breaks down in their communication (her and her ex) she becomes a lot less willing to work with him.

As far as visitation, we do every other weekend, the odd weeknight as the schedule allows, and the Christmas holidays alternate year by year. Pretty standard I guess. The dad is given all the activity schedules (hockey, soccer), and is invited to all the events (birthday parties, Christmas concerts, etc etc).

[rotten42]

News flash.....dad's get emotional and protective of their kids too. I played that game you outlined at first and all I found was I was getting f&cked over. I took a stand for my rights with my kids. Let me tell ya, it wasn't fun because my ex is a social worker in management for child protection. That bitch tried every trick in the books to try and seperate me from my kids.

My best piece of advice: Dad's, stand up for your rights when it comes to the kids. Don't play into the "I'll be the bigger/better person" because you will lose in the end.

[Tron_fdc]

And this, my friends, is why Lawyers are totally recession proof.

[1stLand]

Dumb question, but I am asking it anyways - Why do guys have to pay child support at all if there is joint custody?

[J pold]

Yup. Never getting married or having kids.

[Rathji]

Originally Posted by 1stLand

Dumb question, but I am asking it anyways - Why do guys have to pay child support at all if there is joint custody?

Do you have the impression that only guys pay child support?

[1stLand]

Aside from the custody battles (which suck) I am always worried about child support payments that are large and ridiculous (just because the guy has a great income) and then like an above poster mentioned - they end up paying for your ex gf's ________ which has nothing to do with your kid

[undercoverbrother]

Originally Posted by J pold

Yup. Never getting married or having kids.

Like everything in life there is good and bad.

[Tron_fdc]

Originally Posted by 1stLand

Aside from the custody battles (which suck) I am always worried about child support payments that are large and ridiculous (just because the guy has a great income) and then like an above poster mentioned - they end up paying for your ex gf's ________ which has nothing to do with your kid

The whole idea with child support is to provide the child with the same standard of living that (s)he would have enjoyed had the parents still been together.

It's FAR more complicated though. From what I've seen and read there is no magic formula for calculating what gets paid. Some pay more, some less, and from what I can tell it usually comes down to what your lawyer can negotiate for you.

And yes, women pay child support. I know one that pays spousal support on top of child support, and she has the kids. Although it's not really child support, it's more "I can't take the kids out for dinner, can you send me money" when he has them, because he's poor (for whatever reason).

Bottom line, if you don't want to run the risk of getting into these battles, don't have kids and don't get married.

[4X4]

There's simply no way I'd accept one second less than 50%. I'm glad my ex is reasonable about this, because I think that kids need equal doses of parents. Just because she's a girl doesn't mean she doesn't need to learn things from her dad. I daresay she quite enjoyed watching the Seahawks game with me and a couple of buddies on Saturday. She didn't know why we were (seemingly) randomly celebrating, but she had a blast joining in. I feel bad for you guys that only get your kids every second weekend. F*that. Of course, my line of work allows for that. I'm home every night.

My ex can teach her about bracelets and hairbands and the the stuff that girls need to learn from their mothers, and I get to teach her how to skate and ride a bike and how to kick a ball. And, eventually, how to drive. That's definitely my department.

[puckluck2]

I'm glad more people are going to 50/50 custody. I can't imagine having kids and by no fault of my own being told I have to see the kid a lot less than their mother.

I know a bunch of divorced couples set up like that and the dads seem broken. Of course they get in the giving spirit when they want to get #### faced on the weekends and go bar hopping.

[flamesfever]

nm

[KTown]

Originally Posted by troutman

There are some legal terms that confused regularly.

I think what you are describing is "joint" custody, where each parent has a role in the important decisions and welfare of the child.

"Shared" custody is a creature of the child support guidelines. Once a parent has the children more than 40% of the time, you have shared custody, and depart from the normal guideline support payments.

I get my terminology mixed up but for simplicity my lawyer has referred to it as shared custody vs. shared parenting. But you are right there are two different meanings. Never ever give into full custody if you ever want your child 50% of the time. Always ensure you have joint custody.

[KTown]

Originally Posted by Tron_fdc

From a 3rd party standpoint (my wife has a 6yr old) 99.999% of the problems you have can be easily avoided if you (the dad) make a serious attempt at being amicable.

Most women are incredibly emotional and protective of their kids. As soon as my wife gets any indication that her ex is trying to bully her or tell her what to do, she shuts down and goes full bizatch. As a guy I can understand how tempting it is to fight the fight like it's a big business negotiation, but you're probably dealing with a big ball of emotion on the other end, so put the kid gloves on and be VERY careful how you communicate. My wife will quite gladly work outside of the custody agreement and give all kinds of extra time when she can, but if something breaks down in their communication (her and her ex) she becomes a lot less willing to work with him.

As far as visitation, we do every other weekend, the odd weeknight as the schedule allows, and the Christmas holidays alternate year by year. Pretty standard I guess. The dad is given all the activity schedules (hockey, soccer), and is invited to all the events (birthday parties, Christmas concerts, etc etc).

That's the problem I have.....women then use the child as leverage which is the worst thing possible. Exs hate each other and from experience we all know that once women get on your bad side they are a lot more cutthroat then men.

[KTown]

Originally Posted by 1stLand

Aside from the custody battles (which suck) I am always worried about child support payments that are large and ridiculous (just because the guy has a great income) and then like an above poster mentioned - they end up paying for your ex gf's ________ which has nothing to do with your kid

In addition to child support payments you may also be required to pay spousal support. Child support payments are general living expenses only, they don't include things like day care expenses, medical etc. It adds up faster than you think.

You do learn to live with it, but damn it would cost me less to have a live in nanny who cooks for me, cleans my house and have a live in day home care provider for my son.

I think there should be a cap on child support payments and before anyone calls me a deadbeat father.....I pay quite a bit and I'll always pay.