Family Issues

[DuffMan]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

I am about as far from abusive or drug using as you can get. I have always treated my partner with respect and tried to put her on a pedestal. That wa not the case at all. Not saying you said it was.

Don't put people on pedestals.

[1stLand]

It seems like your ex wife and your sister and brother-law are being unusually cruel towards you.

There has got to be another side to this story.

If there isn't, then I am wondering why you tolerated their b.s all of these years?

[Vulcan]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

Well they don't raise my son, my parents do. I have offered for him to come live with me now that my life is good and stable but he likes living with his grandparents and they like having him there. I am not going to force him to leave where he is comfortable. When the time comes they feel they cannot care for him or he wants to leave there I will love having him live with me.

Yeah, I was referring to your ex, if she has anything to say about your son's upbringing or if other family matters have to be taken care of. By just moving on you'll be able to still interact with your sister and ex when it's absolutely necessary, say once every five or ten years.

[CedarMeter]

I say screw them as well. And by the sounds of it she'll be screwing around on her Aussie husband in no time.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

I don't mean to be "that guy" but you're looking for a sounding board, and in order to make a full and informed decision (especially one that is so emotional) I think it's important to hear a viewpoint contrary to what you think is the right answer. Otherwise you wouldn't be asking right?

I'm going to ask a few questions, YOU DO NOT NEED TO ANSWER THEM HERE. I'm asking them for you, answer them yourself, we don't need to know. We really don't.

1. In your weekly coffees, have you discussed your ex with your sister and brother-in-law? Do they know how you feel about your ex, as in have you specifically told them?

I wouldn't want you to turn your back on your sister and brother-in-law because they thought that you were alright with the arrangement. (I'm not saying they think that, but your post didn't state otherwise).

2. Is your ex from Calgary (assuming that's where you are)? Are her parents in the area? What alternatives does she have for accommodations aside from your sister's? Next time you're talking to your sister you could explain (or talk to your parents and have them explain how you feel, it would probably be easiest for everyone).

3. What kind of relationship does your ex have with her child? Is she trying to repair that relationship? As difficult as it will be to hear this, I doubt you'll disagree, but your child's well being should be priority one.

4. Could you call them back and suggest a coffee place that is convenient for them, and say that you look forward to spending time with them, you understand that your ex is in town but if you can be displaced for her accommodation, couldn't they take an hour for coffee with you? Perhaps during a time that they wouldn't be spending with your ex anyway. This isn't worded well, it if you choose this option you'll need to be more tactful.


I don't know you, I don't know your sister, I don't know your ex, I don't know your child. Your sister might be the spawn of Satan. But I wouldn't want to see your relationship ruined due to a lack of communication (again I don't know if there is a lack of communication).

In additional to using anonymous posters here, also make use of friends, and family (if appropriate). Without getting into the result of what you're thinking, your parents would probably know your sister's thinking/personality and thought process in the situation.


Lastly, is there anything in writing regarding your use of the basement? Not that I'd recommend a legal recourse at this point.

[dissentowner]

Originally Posted by 1stLand

It seems like your ex wife and your sister and brother-law are being unusually cruel towards you.

There has got to be another side to this story.

If there isn't, then I am wondering why you tolerated their b.s all of these years?

There is no other side, what I wrote is the whole story. I have never done anything hurtful toward my sister or my brother in law. I don't understand it either, I guess they think they should not have to sacrifice having a relationship with her even though they know the circumstances. I don't know how to answer that.

[nfotiu]

It seems that you're probably doing the right thing by walking away from them. I don't know if this all qualifies as neutral advice though when only hearing your side of the story though. Seems like 95% of the time if people tell their side of the story, then people will agree with the conclusion they come up with. I have an ex wife who drives me crazy with that kind of thing though. I always get the "I talked to all my friends about what you did, and they all think you are just a big jerk who won't even let me see my own kids during your week". But I know she left out the part where she broke into the house, scaring the kids, calling my girlfriend a whore, all because it took me more than 5 minutes to answer a text. But I know getting that affirmation from others made her believe in the head she was right anyway.

I don't know, they could all be sociopathetic #######s, but there are usually two sides to all these stories, and you just have to do what you think is right.

[GoJetsGo]

No offence but you seem like a bit of a punching bag.

The wife should have been done, over and out, after the New Orleans trip. The sister / brother in law should have been done after kicking you out to allow the ex-wife to stay.

This all seems pretty straight forward. Those are terrible people and you don't need them in your life. At this point the only one to blame is yourself for putting up with it. Don't confront, don't argue, just move on and never give them a second thought.

[MaDMaN_26]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

I am about as far from abusive or drug using as you can get. I have always treated my partner with respect and tried to put her on a pedestal. That wa not the case at all. Not saying you said it was.

Then I stand by the statement drop her from your life ASAP. Like others have said doesn't have to be a Broadway show, just stop seeing them, talking to them.

Thinking about it... forget you - even if you were a bad guy... the fact that your sister is not only ok with but actively seeks a friendship with the mother of her nephew that has been absent in raising him and bailed on her child, especially as he is special needs and the understanding that it takes a lot of work for two people to raise a special needs kid... Ya your sister deserve that friend as they are both apparently narcissists/sociopaths.

[dissentowner]

Originally Posted by Maritime Q-Scout

I don't mean to be "that guy" but you're looking for a sounding board, and in order to make a full and informed decision (especially one that is so emotional) I think it's important to hear a viewpoint contrary to what you think is the right answer. Otherwise you wouldn't be asking right?

I'm going to ask a few questions, YOU DO NOT NEED TO ANSWER THEM HERE. I'm asking them for you, answer them yourself, we don't need to know. We really don't.

1. In your weekly coffees, have you discussed your ex with your sister and brother-in-law? Do they know how you feel about your ex, as in have you specifically told them?

I wouldn't want you to turn your back on your sister and brother-in-law because they thought that you were alright with the arrangement. (I'm not saying they think that, but your post didn't state otherwise).

2. Is your ex from Calgary (assuming that's where you are)? Are her parents in the area? What alternatives does she have for accommodations aside from your sister's? Next time you're talking to your sister you could explain (or talk to your parents and have them explain how you feel, it would probably be easiest for everyone).

3. What kind of relationship does your ex have with her child? Is she trying to repair that relationship? As difficult as it will be to hear this, I doubt you'll disagree, but your child's well being should be priority one.

4. Could you call them back and suggest a coffee place that is convenient for them, and say that you look forward to spending time with them, you understand that your ex is in town but if you can be displaced for her accommodation, couldn't they take an hour for coffee with you? Perhaps during a time that they wouldn't be spending with your ex anyway. This isn't worded well, it if you choose this option you'll need to be more tactful.


I don't know you, I don't know your sister, I don't know your ex, I don't know your child. Your sister might be the spawn of Satan. But I wouldn't want to see your relationship ruined due to a lack of communication (again I don't know if there is a lack of communication).

In additional to using anonymous posters here, also make use of friends, and family (if appropriate). Without getting into the result of what you're thinking, your parents would probably know your sister's thinking/personality and thought process in the situation.


Lastly, is there anything in writing regarding your use of the basement? Not that I'd recommend a legal recourse at this point.

1. They know how I feel. They don't understand why that should affect their friendship with them.

2. At met my ex in St. Thomas. She had moved there with the father of her daughter. They broke up and he decided to move back to Edmonton where they came from, he had custody of their daughter. She decided to stay despite my telling her maybe she should go. Throughout her relationship she would call her daughter on the phone. This should have been a huge warning sign to me I know, but love does stupid things.

3. My ex shows up every 3-4 years, stays in town for a week and visits him, calls him twice a year on his b-day and Christmas, and sends him expensive gifts.

4. I tried that. I asked them if they could give up one hour to have coffee with me, the answer was no, their company would only be there for the week and they don't have time.

[underGRADFlame]

My recommendation is move on. Trying to get closure on a issue like this is impossible. You are in a way better place now then you were, your happy with your new life don't dwell on what happened or what might have been had these things not happened. Concentrate on what important in your life, your kid/s and your fiancé.

Your sister will always be your sister, be mad at her, hate her, don't talk to her all you want it doesn't change the fact she's blood and your always going to have that connection. Maybe one day she'll clue in how this has hurt you, maybe not.

Eliminate negatives from your life, you'll be happier for it.


And if that doesn't work, an anonymous call to canada boarder services, reporting a pair of drug smugglers could put a smile on your face.

[Maritime Q-Scout]

As I typed out my post, there were a number of responses and new information.

Again, you don't have to answer this here, I'm asking for your benefit only.

How does your sister and brother-in-law justify the relationship with your ex? What do they think of how everything went down with your ex and how your parents are caring for your child? If they are making incorrect assumptions, did you logically and calmly correct them? (Which may have happened, but could also be in the heat of the fights/blow ups).

[dissentowner]

Originally Posted by GoJetsGo

No offence but you seem like a bit of a punching bag.

The wife should have been done, over and out, after the New Orleans trip. The sister / brother in law should have been done after kicking you out to allow the ex-wife to stay.

This all seems pretty straight forward. Those are terrible people and you don't need them in your life. At this point the only one to blame is yourself for putting up with it. Don't confront, don't argue, just move on and never give them a second thought.

I think it is because my parents always told me I should always be close with my sister because when they pass on we will need eachother. I don't see how that is actually true but I always kept that thought in my head. Yes, I have been a punching bag here.

[TheGrimm]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

1. They know how I feel. They don't understand why that should affect their friendship with them.

2. At met my ex in St. Thomas. She had moved there with the father of her daughter. They broke up and he decided to move back to Edmonton where they came from, he had custody of their daughter. She decided to stay despite my telling her maybe she should go. Throughout her relationship she would call her daughter on the phone. This should have been a huge warning sign to me I know, but love does stupid things.

3. My ex shows up every 3-4 years, stays in town for a week and visits him, calls him twice a year on his b-day and Christmas, and sends him expensive gifts.

4. I tried that. I asked them if they could give up one hour to have coffee with me, the answer was no, their company would only be there for the week and they don't have time.

Time to break this trend, you need to assert yourself to your family, and if they don't do a complete 180 on this, you need to firmly tell them this is non-negotiable if they want to be a part of your life.

I get the "blood is thicker" sentiment, but sometimes you need to make a stand.

[Puppet Guy]

Originally Posted by GoJetsGo

No offence but you seem like a bit of a punching bag.

The wife should have been done, over and out, after the New Orleans trip. The sister / brother in law should have been done after kicking you out to allow the ex-wife to stay.

This all seems pretty straight forward. Those are terrible people and you don't need them in your life. At this point the only one to blame is yourself for putting up with it. Don't confront, don't argue, just move on and never give them a second thought.

I think you're being a bit harsh. Large decisions that involve kids (ESPECIALLY when you're depressed) aren't always easy or logical.

[karl262]

The sheer amount of uncouth your sister, brother in law and especially your ex has demonstrated is exceptional. Cut and run. I suggest telling those people that you no longer choose to have a relationship with them based on their actions. It doesn't have to be a big blow up fight or anything like that, just send an email or letter or whatever so they get the point, after which screen your calls, delete emails from them and RTS any post. They have to understand that there are negative consequences for their actions and they cannot impose family relationship as a free pass to treat you the way they have. Avoid any family gatherings where your ex, sister and brother in law will be there.

Just think of them as people you used to know.

[photon]

Make sure you take the bigger picture into consideration in whatever you do, you might want to cut all ties but will that be best for your kid? Will it create a situation that makes your parents choose, and you end up in a worse situation now?

Rather than the drama and finality of a "cut all ties" moment, you can do the exact same thing simply by prioritizing differently and reacting differently. If they contact you be polite, be reasonable, socialize if they ask and you think it's worth doing, but otherwise don't actively solicit interactions, don't follow what they're doing, etc. Just treat them how you'd treat a co-worker or a teacher at your kid's school; polite and sociable, but otherwise not really involved in their lives.

[AcGold]

Anyone that would do these things is not a caring person, the #### hit the fan and they didn't have your back. Your ex was coming to town and they asked you to move out, she should have gotten a fcking hotel room and the fact they did that should have been the last straw imo, maybe you were being mopey and depressed which can be annoying to some people but it's not like you were crying over a high school crush.

I'm fully in the you are not being overly sensitive group, if anything you were too passive and you let users use you. Stick with your son and make sure he doesn't end up like his mom using people for pleasure. I think the best option is just avoid them until they make contact with you because your son will be involved, no need to tell them off and burn the bridge, just keep your distance because these people are selfish and I've seen it so many times where are a passive thoughtful person just gets used and walked all over by people like this. These seem like the kind of people that no matter what just can not see the err in their ways, while you are wondering if you are too sensitive and if you handled things right they sit back, sully your name and it doesn't even cross their mind whether they did something wrong, narcissistic users. If you burn them they will burn you back with vengeance, family or not, so just avoid.

[Erick Estrada]

Your ex sounds like a monster. Complete nightmare and it's pretty stunning that your own flesh and blood would tolerate all the nasty things she put you through as well as neglecting their nephew. Maybe there is another side to the story but if what you say is true I would have a hard time wanting them in your life seeing how they treated you when you were down and their complete disregard for your feelings as well as your son's well being. I don't think you need to go drastic like sever ties but I would maybe only keep in touch a few times of the year and move on with the rest of your life.

If what you say about your sister is true and that is how she treats her own flesh and blood it's probably not something your fiancé should be exposed to. Put that #### behind you and move on to better times.

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by DuffMan

Don't put people on pedestals.

And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal.. high enough so you can look up her dress. - Steve Martin