Parental financial help for adult children...

[Cowboy89]

My parents provided me with half of my University tuition and room and board during University. It was my job to buy textbooks and fund the other half of tuition by working in the summer and part time through the school year. Looking back I feel that it was just enough help to ensure that my studies were not detrimentally affected by the need to have to make enough money to subsist, while at the same time small enough to force me to still have to be able to generate an income and derive some life and work experience. The end result is I exited University debt-free and actually with some savings. It has allowed me to spend my 20s accumulating wealth as opposed to paying down student loans.

[undercoverbrother]

We were poor, not dirt poor, but poor enough that I had to wear my sister's hand me down jeans.


I paid rent every summer from grade 9 on when I worked in the summers. I also paid my way through Uni.

I have never taken money from my folks nor would I accept any. It is there, they worked for what they had/have. I thank them everyday that they picked up and moved us to Canada.

[pylon]

Originally Posted by corporatejay

I guess a lot of it depends on what its for.

On the holiday issue, let's consider this for a second. (this is a future hypothetical)

I'm in my 50s and my wife and I want to go to Hawaii with my son, his wife and kids for christmas.

My son clearly can't afford it but it would mean a lot to me for us to spend this holiday together since I get to see my grandchildren etc... Why wouldn't I pay for that if I have the financial means to do so, it is after all, for me.

I see this totally different from "Hey son, here's 10 grand, go to paris".

LOL, I just went through this. My folks took me on an all expenses paid trip with them to Hawaii in November, and man did it feel awkward accepting the money, because I didn't need it. I kept trying to fight it, and give them the money for my share, and it actually caused more tension, than graciously accepting the gift. The were offended I didn't want to let them pay. But sometimes parents just refuse to hear no.

Anyway, we had such an awesome time, I already booked and paid for the condo for all of us again for this coming November. So in your face suckers. Payback is a bitch!

[tvp2003]

Originally Posted by AltaGuy

One thing I've noticed, as someone who has done a fair amount of education, is that the "spoiled brats" are the ones in all the graduate programs, who end up with most of the better jobs - which seems to defeat the myths around "doing it on your own" etc.

It was absolutely astounding to me when about three quarters of my law school class had no student loans about six months after graduation because either their parents had paid them off, or they had none to begin with. This was on top of vacations, cars, houses, and many other things paid for by many of their parents.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I think the expectations of these kids' parents have a lot to do with it. The kids are certainly not lazy by any stretch of the imagination, and they are expected to achieve a certain level of material and personal success and it seems that they mostly do.

I suppose what I'm saying is that you can pay for whatever you can for your children without worry, but make sure you have accompanying high expectations of them. Also, try to help them leave as many options open as possible by helping with debt, etc.

Law school was really an interesting experience to me in this regard.

Just curious, when did you graduate, and which law school (AB? BC? ONT?)?

[Peanut]

My parents had an RESP for my sister and I that helped pay for the first 2-3 years of school. We were also welcome to live at home for free if we wanted to go to U of C.

I always had at least one part time job, worked full-time every summer, and got a bunch of scholarships too.

I talked my parents into giving me a loan for a downpayment on my first condo, which was ultimately a bad idea as my parents hit a tough financial spot ~ 2 years afterwards and demanded it all be paid back immediately instead of on the original terms we had agreed to. So that kind of sucked.

For my daughter, I plan to have enough saved to cover her tuition and books at University and she can work to cover her costs of living. I think being able to graduate debt-free is a big leg-up though. I appreciated having that opportunity and want my kids to have that opportunity too, if I can manage it.

[AltaGuy]

Originally Posted by tvp2003

Just curious, when did you graduate, and which law school (AB? BC? ONT?)?

'08 - U of A. My own personal experience with lawyering is another story altogether lol...

[pylon]

If the day ever comes where I have kids, and they make it to University, I will pay for whatever they need to go and make any sacrifices required on my end, no questions asked. As someone who did not go myself, I know more so than a grad how important a degree truly is.

[OffsideSpecialist]

As a blue collar worker in an automotive factory, my father told me "I will do whatever it takes to help you get your education"

I'm now close to being finished. My parents have been gracious enough to help cover the part of my tuition that my scholarship isn't covering. I am responsible for the rest of my finances all on my own. However, I have opted to do a co-op program through university, and it has both provided me with what will hopefully turn out to be helpful work experience, and a lot of financial help.

My parents would never, ever think of buying a trip for me though. I am saving money from overtime worked at my current job to help pay for such a trip in August though.

[V]

My in-laws bought us 5 grand worth of appliances when we bought our first house. My parents have never had any money, so the most I ever got from them was allowing me to live rent free while I was in University.

I've never expected money from my parents / in-laws, but at the same time, if they want to give me something I wouldn't say no. But I also wouldn't allow it to be some sort of leverage they could use against me.

My in-laws actually spend a tonne of money on my wife's sister, but she's had a hard life and this has pretty much allowed her to not live in terrible conditions. The funny thing, though, is that my wife's brother constantly resents his parents because of unequal treatment. I think it's funny because he's married and they both work, and they're both relatively successful. They really don't need the money, not nearly as badly as the sister does.

I've always felt that a parent's money is theirs to spend as they see fit. Who the hell am I to decide how they should spend it?

[Derek Sutton]

Originally Posted by V

My in-laws bought us 5 grand worth of appliances when we bought our first house. My parents have never had any money, so the most I ever got from them was allowing me to live rent free while I was in University.

I've never expected money from my parents / in-laws, but at the same time, if they want to give me something I wouldn't say no. But I also wouldn't allow it to be some sort of leverage they could use against me.

My in-laws actually spend a tonne of money on my wife's sister, but she's had a hard life and this has pretty much allowed her to not live in terrible conditions. The funny thing, though, is that my wife's brother constantly resents his parents because of unequal treatment. I think it's funny because he's married and they both work, and they're both relatively successful. They really don't need the money, not nearly as badly as the sister does.

I've always felt that a parent's money is theirs to spend as they see fit. Who the hell am I to decide how they should spend it?

Just curious but do you think your In Laws helping your Sister Inlaw really helps or would not giving her anything help her out more?

I ask this because My Grandparents died dirt poor because they were always "helping out" one of their sons, they simply didn't know any different. Really giving him money was zero help to him, the help he needed was a wake call every morning, a ride to work and a ride home. When they died and there was no money left he just ended up in jail for even longer then normal.

[redforever]

[QUOTE=corporatejay;4146060]I guess a lot of it depends on what its for.

On the holiday issue, let's consider this for a second. (this is a future hypothetical)

I'm in my 50s and my wife and I want to go to Hawaii with my son, his wife and kids for christmas.

My son clearly can't afford it but it would mean a lot to me for us to spend this holiday together since I get to see my grandchildren etc... Why wouldn't I pay for that if I have the financial means to do so, it is after all, for me.

I see this totally different from "Hey son, here's 10 grand, go to paris".[/QUOTE



Going to Hawaii or other destinations is something we do continually with our children and with our one grandson. We pay for lodging and our grandson's air fare and our children pay for their own air fare.

Life is too short and we want to create memories with our money now, while we are able to do so....because when or if we are not able to do so...well what will we have with just money?

We also paid for their post secondary education...up to a certain amount every year. That amount was mainly enough for tuition and lodging...meaning they still needed summer jobs to cover other expenses.

[Nage Waza]

My parents would always support me regardless of if I needed it. They were just generous people. They were always of the mindset that generosity was not necessarily part of the lesson on hard work. I had money and still studied and still had a job and always worked hard in everything I do. Simply buying things for children and not teaching them about finances, hard work and education might be a bad lesson for kids.

That in my opinion is the most important lesson I learned growing up - you must work hard and pay attention to the details if you want to be successful in anything.

[FlamesAddiction]

I have never in my life received money (or any large gifts) from a parent, grandparent, or whatever during my adult life. I only have one parent though and he is poor.

[Phanuthier]

Somewhat interesting story of my girlfriend (since I have nothing interesting).... she came from a single mother family, low income (<$40k) and had a brother. The mother put her kids in every class you can think of (piano, swim team, spanish school, japanese school, ski lessons, etc) ... and cut back on food. She tells me meals where the 3 of them shared a can of pineapple or a can of beans for dinner. They both went to Santa Monica collage for the first year for their pre-reqs as it was much cheaper, then switched over to UCLA where both stayed for BSc/MSc/PhD. Even with her PhD stipand of $35k (IIRC), she helped out paying $600 rent...

yeah, cool story bro... but much more interesting then mine growing up in a middle-class family and getting normal middle class treatment.

[onetwo_threefour]

I don't have much to offer on the philosophy of those who get help. My sister and I (more her than me) contributed to some family expenses in the last year of high school and first year of uni before moving out because our parents were treading water at best. University was done on massive loans and a little bit of scholarship and neither of my parents has ever, nor will they ever likely be, in a position to financially assist us.

I agree with the earlier post about law school and grad school and the means of a lot of people in those programs, although there were a lot of people who were moving to a second career as well and were operating under their own financial steam that way as well.

Obviously it's sometimes hard not to think about the fact that if my parents had been in a position to help, I would have had different opportunities both during and after university and might be in a very different spot not having had to spend almost 8 years paying loans back. I don't begrudge anyone who was lucky enough to have that kind of support, but my family history definitely informs my political leaning regarding equality of opportunity, education and supporting the working poor.

I think there are certainly examples where parental support becomes a crutch that stunts the development of a person, but for the most part, the type of support people are discussing in this thread doesn't strike me as something that will disincentivize anybody from striving for a better life. Again, if you're lucky enough to have that level of support, I would say, take advantage of it, enjoy it, but above all appreciate it. Not everybody is in that position. Sometimes it can be a generational thing for pulling oneself up by the bootstraps.

[Bunk]

I understand some student debt depending on circumstance, but I've never understood why so many people fall into such huge debt going through school. It's not that hard to find part time work during school and a decent summer job. I found that was more than enough to pay for tuition, accommodation and most of the travel back and forth between home and school (parents paid for a portion of flights) over 5 years of undergrad and 2 years of grad school.

Took a year off between undergrad and grad school to work to save up a bit of money. Had a small scholarship for the first year, but not much else to speak of.

That said, post secondary education is getting more and more expensive so we do have an RESP set up for our little one. But we'll still expect her to work throughout university to pay most of her own way.

[mrkajz44]

I think its a very fine line to walk in terms of parents giving children money. I understand their willingness to help their children "have a better life" or some sort of variation of that saying. I think the big issue that arises is the children learning money management.

I had to pay most of my way through university (had the first year and a bit paid by a small inheritence from my grandpa), and I quickly learned the value of a dollar. If I spent my money going out every night or on wants rather than needs, I wouldn't be able to afford bigger ticket items such as TVs or vacations. Sure, at the time I would have loved the free ride, but I am so glad now that I learned some important lessons then.

So I guess I draw the line at not allowing the children to learn the value of money. Just leased a brand new car and now you can't afford a vacation for a few years. Mom and dad shouldn't bail you out for that.

[flamesfever]

I went to university in the 50's when only 3% of high school graduates went on to higher education. I think we were the first generation to attend university from parents who were not fairly well off financially.

My Mom, bless her soul, worked part time in a factory, and handed me her pay cheque every week to pay for my food and lodging while at university. I tried to help as much as I could by working in the summers, qualifying for bursaries, etc. However, I don't believe I could have made it through without the help from my Mom and Dad.

For my peers, at the time, I saw both sides of the spectrum...young kids borrowing from friends because parents had no money, and living on peanut butter sandwiches for weeks etc, while a few drove around in fancy cars and had everything paid for by Daddy. I think most of us who appreciated the opportunity to get our degrees, and live better than our parents, made sure we didn't waste our time. While for the kids from wealthy parents, who doled out money for everything, the opposite was often true.

I don't believe there are any hard and fast rules you can apply, re helping your kids financially, as there are so many different situations and things to consider. I do believe, however, that helping your kids financially to get an education is the best investment you can ever make.

[Engine09]

My Mom feels really bad about not having any money to help me out, she actually brings it up once in a while and almost apologizes. I assure her that it's not a big deal and I certainly did not expect anything.

I'm still paying off student loans while trying to save for a mortgage down payment, sometimes I get jealous of friends who had university paid for and huge amounts of cash for houses but that's just the way it is.

[afc wimbledon]

I thought the whole point of being an adult is you don't get any more help from your parents, in my case I became an adult at 19, other than the occasional dinner my mum insists on paying for (and that's a fight) I havn't taken a penny nor would I.

Nice thing about being older is I am in a position to help my mum out now, although thus far she has refused all my attempts.

the corralry to this is I am paying my daughters way through college (at least someone in the family should be able to spell) but expect her to take care of herself during the summer.