Marriage out of insecurity

[KTown]

Your friends are not alone. Lots of people get married just for the sake of getting married. I use to be married and I got married cause apparently it was the right thing to do. Everyone was happy about it from family to friends, etc. Everyone but me when I look back on it. Am I happier now, I would think so, but I'm not there yet. I struggle on a daily basis trying to raise a son alone. I have my moments of weakness where I feel like I wish I had someone around the house with me. But I'm not just gonna settle I did that and it ended bad. If I die alone so be it. I don't think I will because I don't have an issue meeting girls. The issue I have is meeting non pyscho ones at this point.

I work with lots of people that I feel there marriages will fail. When the wives and husbands are out with me and my friends till 2 in the morning. They seem to have more fun and after a whole bunch of drinks the truth comes out. Some feel they won't make it forever, others say other things. It's quite sad but society has pushed us so hard to meet one person and share the rest of our lives with them and to raise that family with a white fence. Well it doesn't happen almost 60% of marriages fail. And with women becoming more dominant in the work force yearly I think that number will only rise. There is just way to much temptation around!

[corporatejay]

Originally Posted by BBQorMILDEW

Just mind your business and let nature take its course.


If they're in such dire straights, they'll figure it out. If not, well it's their fault for putting themselves in such a predicament. All you can do is support their decision.

+1. Unless you have verifiable facts and/or there is some sort of health/financial risk stay out of it.....

[Travis Munroe]

do these friends also drink a beer in the closet during intermissions of flames games to avoid the wife seeing? Jokes aside, I am glad you brought this up. About a year ago a female friend of mine got married. Prior to them it was a huge surprise to hear about a couple getting married. Since that marriage there have been a dozen other proposals/weddings planned.
I feel like its a trend that one really doesnt want to fall into unless they are 100%

[JD]

Originally Posted by Pizza

If you dont mind me asking, what happened with each of those couples?

Without divulging too much of other peoples' details on the internet, here goes:
1) Couple moves far from Calgary, far from support systems. Kids consume their lives, wife eventually gets bored and cheats with someone from work. This one went back and forth between making up and not, too. They married at a young age due to a pregnancy and really didn't get along well in the early years of the marriage, but seemed to get things on track a couple years before moving away. The first couple years away seemed okay too.
2) Couple got married at 22ish, they were together through high school and beyond. Had a couple kids, the girl realized life wasn't exactly fulfilling and neither person was really providing the emotional needs the other required. This one was amicable, but over time after the divorce, the guy started to realize he somehow "lost" himself because he felt he was constantly catering to her needs and ignoring his own.
3) Couple was kind of a party couple. They had fun together when there was drinking and partying and going out. But they didn't really connect when real life reared its head. This was one you could predict on the wedding day.
4) The guy had medical issues and went on permanent disability from work and spiraled into malaise and maybe even depression. A separate traumatic event occurs that spurs the wife to realize life is too short to devote herself to this guy that has lost himself.
5) Couple was married for a year when the guy finds out the girl was cheating on him. Underlying cause was more likely because they had nothing in common. They never did anything together. Doomed from the start, IMO.
6) This couple never actually married, but were close to the date. There was a significant age (and as it turned out maturity) gap between them. The girl realized this months before the wedding and called it off so she could go live her life before settling into marital bliss.

Okay, 6 out 8 relationships failed. I guess it seemed like more because these all happened within a year of each other.

There are some happy endings though... Guy from couple #1 is now dating girl from couple #4. Girl from couple #1 is now married to the work friend and expecting her first girl, which she's thrilled about. Girl from couple #2 is engaged to a work friend. Guy from couple #2 is now rediscovering himself and actually quite excited about it. Guy from couple #3 is now dating his old high school sweetheart, who also happened to divorce at around the same time. These two divorces were totally unrelated. I don't know what the failure mechanism was in her marriage. Guy from couple #5 met a girl he has lots in common with and they now spend every weekend together in the mountains.

So even though a failed marriage seems like the worst thing ever at the time, they can actually be very valuable learning experiences! Life these days is as complex as ever, and people seem to have higher expectations than ever before. It's harder to keep a marriage going, especially when the exit ramp is so easily accessible.

[Dion]

A buddy of mine married a control freak just out of HS. He was insecure and married the first gal that took a liking to him. Onec married she gave up all her friends feeling he husband could supply all her needs. Then there was the usual fights on the weekend as to what they were going to. It would be a firday night and she'd want to go to amovie and us guys wanted to go to Stampede Wrestling. He would say we can go to the movies tomorrow night but she would say no. Of course we'd end up at the movies.

It wasn't long before he realised what the person he married was like. He did nothing but try to keep her happy as well as the peace. A person can only tolerate it's my way or the highway for so long before they break. He asked and got a divorce a few years later.

[1stLand]

The key is to marry a woman from a third world or poverty.

They are less worried about finding life fulfilling and more worried about having kids, a family, and watching foreign sattelite tv.

Far too busy to cheat.

[afc wimbledon]

Why any guy would marry out of fear of lonelyness astounds me, we live in a golden age of questionable strange easily accessed online with little more effort than 'so you wanna?'

[T@T]

Insecurity? how about just security?

A recent poll of 1600+ married women showed 72% got married for financial security.

[WhiteTiger]

Taking a quick read through here, all I can do is give you the old Ann Landers general advice of M.Y.O.B. Even if you do 'save' your friends by breaking up their marriages, they will never forgive you for it.

They got (imo) married way too young, and for the wrong reasons. There are these things in life called 'consequences', and they are going to find them out soon enough. You want to be a good friend? Be there for them when they do.

[DuffMan]

Originally Posted by Pizza

PS. The first guy married a Christian girl... and he isn't Christian and doesnt plan on being one. Could differences in religion make a difference?

I would never marry a religious girl, never.

[Rathji]

The only thing you can do is break up the marriages.

Sleep with both of the wives, posting videos on your favorite porn site, send links to both husbands.

That, or stay out of it. Marriage can be rough the first couple years learning to live with someone, etc. If it works out, great. If it doesn't then oh well. Just hope they don't have kids.

[Halfcreek]

Originally Posted by JD

Without divulging too much of other peoples' details on the internet, here goes:
1) Couple moves far from Calgary, far from support systems. Kids consume their lives, wife eventually gets bored and cheats with someone from work. This one went back and forth between making up and not, too. They married at a young age due to a pregnancy and really didn't get along well in the early years of the marriage, but seemed to get things on track a couple years before moving away. The first couple years away seemed okay too.
2) Couple got married at 22ish, they were together through high school and beyond. Had a couple kids, the girl realized life wasn't exactly fulfilling and neither person was really providing the emotional needs the other required. This one was amicable, but over time after the divorce, the guy started to realize he somehow "lost" himself because he felt he was constantly catering to her needs and ignoring his own.
3) Couple was kind of a party couple. They had fun together when there was drinking and partying and going out. But they didn't really connect when real life reared its head. This was one you could predict on the wedding day.
4) The guy had medical issues and went on permanent disability from work and spiraled into malaise and maybe even depression. A separate traumatic event occurs that spurs the wife to realize life is too short to devote herself to this guy that has lost himself.
5) Couple was married for a year when the guy finds out the girl was cheating on him. Underlying cause was more likely because they had nothing in common. They never did anything together. Doomed from the start, IMO.
6) This couple never actually married, but were close to the date. There was a significant age (and as it turned out maturity) gap between them. The girl realized this months before the wedding and called it off so she could go live her life before settling into marital bliss.

Okay, 6 out 8 relationships failed. I guess it seemed like more because these all happened within a year of each other.

There are some happy endings though... Guy from couple #1 is now dating girl from couple #4. Girl from couple #1 is now married to the work friend and expecting her first girl, which she's thrilled about. Girl from couple #2 is engaged to a work friend. Guy from couple #2 is now rediscovering himself and actually quite excited about it. Guy from couple #3 is now dating his old high school sweetheart, who also happened to divorce at around the same time. These two divorces were totally unrelated. I don't know what the failure mechanism was in her marriage. Guy from couple #5 met a girl he has lots in common with and they now spend every weekend together in the mountains.

So even though a failed marriage seems like the worst thing ever at the time, they can actually be very valuable learning experiences! Life these days is as complex as ever, and people seem to have higher expectations than ever before. It's harder to keep a marriage going, especially when the exit ramp is so easily accessible.

I'm curious - were you friends the guys first or the girls first in these situations?

[Halfcreek]

To the OP - the second one actually sounds quite normal. Marriage is hard, they are still in the adjustment period. Often the first year or two after you get married are the toughest. They may be fighting, but at least they are communicating in some way. I honestly wouldn't be too worried about them yet.

As for the first one - I know most people owul say to leave it alone, but I think you maybe need to say something, to give him the courage to at least talk to her about how her relationship with this guy makes him feel. To me - this is not a normal phase in a marriage. People don't go out to clubs and meet and befriend random strangers of the opposite sex just for the sake of making friends. This would be the marriage I would be worried about.

[Textcritic]

Originally Posted by DuffMan

I would never marry a religious girl, never.

Of course you wouldn't, but the reason is likely neurological more than anything. In other words, we are all "preconditioned" by a variety of physical and sociological factors to make the choices that we make. "Compatibility" absolutely depends upon a conciliation of specific "beliefs", "convictions" and "desires" that disqualify most people from crossing the religious/areligious divide, unless they are already situated fairly close to the centre. I suspect based on your posting history that you are pretty strongly non-religious. For the same reason, no equally strongly religious person would ever consider marrying an areligious spouse. As a matter of fact, in my own Evangelical upbringing we were virtually forbidden from marrying outside of "the Church", and we all possessed a fairly precise definition of those who constituted "the Church".

By the way, has anyone read Michael Shermer's The Believing Brain? This is a must-read for all interested in psychological explanations for how and why we form opinions and ideas.

[Northendzone]

here is my story - dated girl in HS, she was always jelous (later on in life I realized this was due to insecurities). We eventually get married, jelously level seemingly gets worse, as I have to explain loose hairs......we start hanging out with anotehr couple - he and I start to play hockey together, ladies come watch, we go out after game have fun together. ladies decide hockey is boring, they want to go to bar more - fine with me. Pretty soon wife is staying out all night partying with bar friends - this stasrts to get a little much for me......eventually I figure out wife is bar bicycle....we split up, try and work things out - however, I have had my taste of freedom and it is good - I run to the light.

The above process sucked, but getting away from her was worth it......of course I graduated to an emotional 5 year relationship that just sucked the life right out of me - but after I got over that, life was good again.....

[J pold]

Marriage is a funny thing, which admittedly I know nothing about. A lot of my friends/colleagues who have been together for a long time are getting married these days. From my perspective some have strong stable relationships and I think will ultimately make it, others I’m not so sure. I don’t know how things works from a women’s perspective but it seems to me most guys who get married at a younger age come from a perceptive or sacristy. They think that this girl is the only one who will give them the love attention they want and if they lose her they will somehow die alone. They propose to keep a good thing going and lock down the situation, but after the glamour of the wedding day wears off both are left bored and wanting more.

I used to come from the scarcity perspective to. When you are a young man unless you are exceptional in some way women are hard to come by, so when you get one you have to keep her. At this stage in the game women hold almost all of the cards. Now I’m a decent looking guy in my mid-twenties, with a solid stable career, a decent income, my own place, a nice vehicle, and most importantly knows what I want and where I am going. These days women are MUCH easier to come by, and table starts to tip in your favor. Instead of a perspective of scarcity you come from a place of abundance with women. For a guy I think this is a healthy place to be because when you finally decide to settle down with that one special gal you’ll know that you did it because you chose her from the hundreds of other women out there who you could be with, and not because you feel like without her you’d die alone. That’s my two cents anyway.

[Sainters7]

Originally Posted by habernac

I went to 5 weddings (including my own) ten years ago. We're the only couple still married. Lots of people making bad choices out there. I called two of the other 4 to end in failure.

Not to get off topic, but hearing stuff like this makes me scoff at people against gay marriage on the claims it goes against the "sanctity of marriage". When the divorce rate is hovering around 50% and cheating at 60%, what sanctity are they even trying to protect?

And to OP, my condolences to the first guy especially, dude needs a backbone. Wow

[Textcritic]

Originally Posted by J pold

...When you are a young man unless you are exceptional in some way women are hard to come by, so when you get one you have to keep her. At this stage in the game women hold almost all of the cards...

This is probably somewhat true, and I would agree that ideally everyone should not rush headlong into marriage. Having said that, there are all sorts of mitigating factors that will determine the outcome of individual marriages, and I think you are probably making too much of the "scarcity perspective". For the record, I was married when I was twenty, am still perfectly satisfied, and will be celebrating my twentieth anniversary this August.

[gargamel]

Insecurity/security is a huge part of the reason people get married. Other than the religious aspect of it, it basically boils down to two people getting each other to make a legally binding promise to never leave. That's all about security, so I wouldn't read too much into that comment from your friends. If they're not happy, though, that's a major problem that will be much cheaper and easier to deal with now rather than later.

[peter12]

Originally Posted by Textcritic

This is probably somewhat true, and I would agree that ideally everyone should not rush headlong into marriage. Having said that, there are all sorts of mitigating factors that will determine the outcome of individual marriages, and I think you are probably making too much of the "scarcity perspective". For the record, I was married when I was twenty, am still perfectly satisfied, and will be celebrating my twentieth anniversary this August.

I'd really love to hear about some of your experiences.

I am 8 months into "moving in" with my girlfriend, and while the first 3 months or so were quite hard, it has turned into a period of day-to-day bliss.

Few things:

• We share almost identical interests, opinions, personalities, basically everything. It is important to be with someone almost exactly like you. Opposites do not attract. There are certainly small differences that make life more enjoyable, but you have to share fundamental premises.
• We do almost everything together, and enjoy it. This includes trips to the grocery store.
• We don't have a lot of money (mid-twenties in school with loans, rent, etc...), but this doesn't get in the way of us having fun. We have never had a money fight, ever.
• You start to realize that while big gestures are a lot of fun, it is the little acts of love, and affection that generate the most positive good will.
• Obey a simple algorithm - relationship stability = frequency of lovemaking - frequency of quarrels. On almost every given week, we make it well into the positive side of that equation. Just from experience, weeks that go into the negative are bad.
• And of course, communicating your feelings, and apologizing for miscommunication.