See that's the thing. I'm not the kind of guy who's going to go around calling someone a prick, but I am the kind of guy who's going to tell someone they're acting like a prick.
I'm just recently starting to realize that people are taking it the same way, and that I should maybe find a different way of saying these things.
It's more about recognizing your audience, working out with a buddy in the gym they probably won't care. Generally people are more sensitive the less you know them and the more vulnerable they are in a given situation. You can completely ruin someone's day with an offhanded comment you didn't even think about, I used to do it all the time where I'd make a comment just like you talked about and people hated me for it.
I know very little about how women operate, however the one thing I have learned (the hard way) is that they almost never want you to offer a constructive solution, no matter how logical it is. Being men, we tend to look for ways to fix problems, but almost all the time they are just looking to talk/cry/whine to someone without any sort of constructive feedback. The best thing you can say is absolutely nothing.
Throw in a couple of sympathetic nods of the head, a couple of well placed, "you are so right"s some ice cream, and you might even get laid.
I didn't say it was, you misinterpreted. If you get that upset when someone insults you it's time to work on how you respond to it, sure it's childish to throw around insults and it's also childish to let someone's opinion of you decide how you feel about yourself if it's coming from someone you don't care about.
This is something I believe in as well.
I mentioned the thing about calling me a chair earlier, because I remember someone doing a lecture on this topic once, and the chair thing really hit home for me. He was talking to someone who didn't like being called a whore, and he said something like... "If I call you a chair, does that upset you?" When she sad no, he replied with "Why not?" and she said, "Because I'm not a chair." Obviously, he followed up with, "So why do you get upset when someone calls you a whore?"
As I said earlier, I think people should be responsible for how they choose to assimilate the information they're given.
Having said that, though, I've always gone through life using that belief as a sort of free ticket to say whatever's on my mind at the time. I'm really starting to see that, while I'm not responsible for how someone interprets something, I am responsible for how I present it to them.
As someone who would like to be somewhat successful once I get back to my career, this is probably a good place to start.
It's more about recognizing your audience, working out with a buddy in the gym they probably won't care. Generally people are more sensitive the less you know them and the more vulnerable they are in a given situation. You can completely ruin someone's day with an offhanded comment you didn't even think about, I used to do it all the time where I'd make a comment just like you talked about and people hated me for it.
Hmmm, this is a great point as well.
Now that I think about it, I do often speak to people I've just met as if I've known them for awhile. Nothing crazy-like, but just in kind of a familiar tone.
The other wrinkle is that forums and such lack all the non-verbal unconscious communication cues that we employ to stop other people from punching us in the face when we say things that words alone make sound very harsh.
So yes the person reading something should make an effort to take things in the best possible light, but the person writing is the one actually doing the writing so is the one ultimately responsible. Using insulting words indirectly is just passive aggressive, which is still aggression.
__________________ Uncertainty is an uncomfortable position.
But certainty is an absurd one.
You're not getting to the point any faster or clearly by being insulting. You're just being needlessly incendiary in an already hyped situation. To expect the listener who is already upset to be able to effortlessly filter your communications I argue is unreasonable.
Hey wait, aren't you the guy who suggested I should tell my parents/inlaws to STFU when they expressed some opinions about my upcoming wedding.
No worries, I just thought it was kind of funny considering that you are coming across as the calm and insightful communicator in this thread. Carry on!
I know very little about how women operate, however the one thing I have learned (the hard way) is that they almost never want you to offer a constructive solution, no matter how logical it is. Being men, we tend to look for ways to fix problems, but almost all the time they are just looking to talk/cry/whine to someone without any sort of constructive feedback. The best thing you can say is absolutely nothing.
Pretty much 100% true. I think any guy who has dated a girl can tell you that. (Some of them, learning the hard way. )
__________________
"With a coach and a player, sometimes there's just so much respect there that it's boils over"
-Taylor Hall
It's a tough subject to broach, but if you're telling someone that they have a pattern of poor behavior (i.e. you keep dating Dbags) you may well have just told them that they have poor taste/poor judgement.
If you're going to bring this up, then you have to work on your delivery - especially if it is a women. Keep asking questions which have a specific purpose in the event of making her realize what her own problem is:
What did you see in XXXX in the first place?
Did you also see that in your previous ex's?
Are you noticing any patterns of behavior?
Let her lead herself to the answer and make subtle suggestions.
And keep in mind that there are times, no matter how you phrase it, that who you are talking to does not want to hear what you have to say, and will take whatever you say as out of context as they possibly can.
in that specific circumstance you have to make clear the distinction between negative and constructive criticism. If there really is an issue to be dealt with the person in question must first understand the difference between being insulted and when someone has advice generated from a place of genuine empathy. No one will ever take advice when they feel there is any form of condescension, most people just straight up won't take advice anyways so you have to bridge that huge gap before logic will ever sink in.
That's like walking up to a chick and saying "I don't think you are a whore, but you sure do dress like a whore"
Is the girl supposed to feel complimented? or is the user supposed to feel good about himself or herself that you just said he acted like a prick and wasn't a prick?
