Seeing vs dating

[Mad Mel]

Originally Posted by Muta

If you're not serious with your ex, you should be dating as many people as possible.

I hate this small-minded mentality that you can't 'see' different people at the same time. That's what dating is all about; I hate this forced rule of being relegated to one person even when it's not that serious.

My advice to the OP - buck the trend, and date as many women as possible. Once you're ready to commit to one, then you do what you gotta do. Until that point, go out and have fun. People rarely 'date' anymore, so be one of the first to bring it back. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

I agree that you can go out and date. I disagree that one of the women that you can be dating is someone that you were formerly in a serious relationship with.

Here's the thing: women are different than men. Which sucks, 'cuz it'd be a lot easier to date men, but men are ugly, so yeah, anyway, I digress... women are different then men. Most (most) women don't want to just date. They'll say they do, but if you go out with them more than a half-dozen times, they're thinking commitment. Bank on it. Women date to evaluate you against their criteria and determine if you are a worthy sperm donor. A chick that you were with for three years and knows what sounds come out of the bathroom when you're taking your morning constitutional? Dude, she ain't gonna just date you. Does not matter if that's what you want. At all.

[octothorp]

Originally Posted by FlamingInfinity

Just wanted to hear CP's two cents on my situation.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years in October. Things were what I thought, one sided on her end. Lots of take, little give from my POV. I needed time away to find me again.

Fast forward to middle of December, talking a bit with the ex, and slowly working on things. She discovers that I was talking with this girl from back home in Alberta.

Now I'm playing the field a bit and 'the ex' thinks I can't work on things with her while also seeing other women. I can see her point to an extent, but I also believe that unless I clarify to her, that her and I are dating, that there is no real 'together' and I can see women freely.

Basically I'm asking whether it's one person at one time, or looking at your options with however many people you'd like?

It's basically exactly whatever the two of you agree to. These terms like 'dating' and 'seeing' have no meaning except what we give them, and every couple (and often both people within a couple) have a different idea of what these terms mean. It sounds like you're saying "we're just dating so I can see other people," and she says "we're dating so you can't see other people," then you two really have no agreement about what your relationship is, even if you both use the word 'dating'. The fact that she thinks you should be working on things with her means that she expects you not to be seeing other people, unless you've both agreed that the best way to work on your relationship is to get that perspective of seeing other people.

My advice? If you're actually interested in working on that relationship, then you two need to have that talk. Feel free to try to explain that you think seeing other people could help make your relationship stronger. Personally it's not a position I believe is worth exploring except as an absolute last resort, but maybe you two are at that point.

[CaptainCrunch]

All I know is that if I ever get married and my wife dies before me and her last words are for me to find somebody else and to be happy, I ain't going to believe it, because the minute I get to heaven or hell, she's going to give me sh%t for dating another woman.

[troutman]

How would you feel if your ex is banging other guys whilst "seeing" you?

[FireFly]

Originally Posted by REDVAN

My answer is try to date them both without them finding out about it. It takes a little bit of skill and cunning, but you're a grown man so do it.

I say this because I am currently in the same situation- trying to decide if "working on things" with my ex is worth it, or should I just forget about her and cut my losses.

My friends have told me: make sure you are getting something out of seeing her. Whether it be sex, emotional fulfilment, money, etc. Just make sure it's not harming you or bringing you down. Right now, for me, it's bring me down. I want things to work out with her, but I have my back up plans in full effect.

This is probably why it didn't work out in the first place. If you need a 'back-up plan' in case things don't work out, you don't love her. You've already mentally left her so why are you doing this to her and yourself?

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by FireFly

This is probably why it didn't work out in the first place. If you need a 'back-up plan' in case things don't work out, you don't love her. You've already mentally left her so why are you doing this to her and yourself?

Ahem

[4X4]

Originally Posted by scotty2hotty

I think you're dreaming if you think you can date other girls while also working on things with your ex. Even if she says it's ok ... it's not.

If you really think you want to get back with her, then do it. Give it a month or two of honest effort then make a decision.

If you think you want to date other girls, then do that and don't see your ex at all. What if you meet a new girl you like and she finds out you're still seeing your ex? Then you blew it with this new one and you're screwed from both ends (no pun intended).

I haven't read the whole thread yet, and it's because I agree with this post so much. I think it's borderline impossible to be objective with new women when your longtime girlfriend is still in the picture. Under those circumstances, you're going to measure the new against the old, either consciously or subconsciously, and that will only magnify the negatives of both women.

The problem is comfort. You're already past the annoying dating and 'getting to know' stage with your ex. That's going to be a huge plus in your mind. It will convince you that the new woman you're seeing has greater flaws than she actually has. On the other hand, you're going to like some of the new woman's personality traits - traits that your ex lacked - and that will make you dwell on the reasons why you're kinda happy that you're not with your ex anymore. Lose/lose. Both women are cast in a negative light.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with "trying again" with your ex. If that's what you think you want, go for it. Just don't try to juggle a longtime with a fresh start. It'll drive you crazy. And keep in mind one more thing: if you're seeing other people while seeing your ex, she is too. Are you ok with that? Yeah, didn't think so. Either try again, or move on. Three years is a long time. It's way beyond that point where you don't care who she's ####ing. You do care. And seeing her on Friday will make you wonder what she's doing on Saturday. Not like the new woman. With the new woman, you totally accept the fact that you're just getting to know each other.

As far as juggling a couple/few new prospects, go right ahead. Measure one against the others. Figure out what you want. Just don't let memories of your ex, or even worse, phone calls and dates with your ex, interfere.

[REDVAN]

Originally Posted by FireFly

This is probably why it didn't work out in the first place. If you need a 'back-up plan' in case things don't work out, you don't love her. You've already mentally left her so why are you doing this to her and yourself?

Sad that I had to lose a few friends along the path of finding out that maybe she wasn't the best match for me... sorry FireFly

And you are right. I don't know why I am doing it to myself. I could care less why I'm doing it for her- I think that is obvious. To get some. The problem is that I can't remove all the strings attached and it leads to hurting me.

But just because one girl's really hurting me, that means I can't make myself available to any others? I don't know if that has to be true.