Relationship advice

[dissentowner]

Originally Posted by zukes

Okay, I'll ask. Do you still get the "benefits"?

No. That would just invite a whole new set of problems. Not a good idea.

[DuffMan]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

No. That would just invite a whole new set of problems. Not a good idea.

really? can you date other women?

[Ozy_Flame]

As long as you're allowed to fap with some good quality porn, there's always middle ground.

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

So a few people have asked how this all turned out. The mother of my youngest and I have been through councelling and worked hard to understand eachother to try and make a go of it for my youngest's sake. It is rocky at times and things are certainly not perfect but I make the best of it for him. Both of us admit to eachother we are not in love but we have learned to be parents together. It is worth it for me to see my son every day and give him a comfortable home life.

Good for you that you're putting the kid's interest first, you don't see that enough in dissolving relationships.

I would worry about some of the questions that are going to be asked as the kid gets older and see's mommy and daddy sleeping in seperate rooms for example or dating other people, and what happens if you or the girl find and fall in love with someone, that could be traumatic for the kid as well.

You made a mature decision and that's great, but there are bumps in the road that could be significant.

[dissentowner]

Originally Posted by CaptainCrunch

Good for you that you're putting the kid's interest first, you don't see that enough in dissolving relationships.

I would worry about some of the questions that are going to be asked as the kid gets older and see's mommy and daddy sleeping in seperate rooms for example or dating other people, and what happens if you or the girl find and fall in love with someone, that could be traumatic for the kid as well.

You made a mature decision and that's great, but there are bumps in the road that could be significant.

I understand that. The mother thinks there can be something there if I wanted to try, I don't think there is. I guess I have decided that if I have to sacrifice finding someone for me to be there all the time with my son I am willing to do that right now. I guess down the road things could get tough though. I don't know, right now I am comfortable like this, focused on my career. She asked that we not see other people in this arrangement and I am ok with that. I know all the sites and have a capable hand, lol.

[return to the red]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

She asked that we not see other people in this arrangement and I am ok with that.

It's always the women that comes up with this idea and then is the first to break from it.

[Northendzone]

dis - hopefully your situation works out well for all three of you.

[Traditional_Ale]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

I understand that. The mother thinks there can be something there if I wanted to try, I don't think there is. I guess I have decided that if I have to sacrifice finding someone for me to be there all the time with my son I am willing to do that right now. I guess down the road things could get tough though. I don't know, right now I am comfortable like this, focused on my career. She asked that we not see other people in this arrangement and I am ok with that. I know all the sites and have a capable hand, lol.

Bollocks.

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

I understand that. The mother thinks there can be something there if I wanted to try, I don't think there is. I guess I have decided that if I have to sacrifice finding someone for me to be there all the time with my son I am willing to do that right now. I guess down the road things could get tough though. I don't know, right now I am comfortable like this, focused on my career. She asked that we not see other people in this arrangement and I am ok with that. I know all the sites and have a capable hand, lol.

Honestly I would have trouble with that, you two aren't in love, but this kind of arrangement doesn't allow you to move on with your life, and I know in my case it would cause resentment.

I mean if they can make it work in 80's sitcoms.

[stang]

Yeah props to you... I couldn't do it

Life's too short to be unhappy..

[JazzyFlame]

Originally Posted by stang

Yeah props to you... I couldn't do it

Life's too short to be unhappy..

I don't think he's unhappy, he's happy to be with his son.

[afc wimbledon]

Life is about being content not happy, I was content to survive in a crap marriage for my daughters sake for a damn near a decade, in the end it blew up and I left/got pushed out when my daughter was 9. I don't regret a day of it even though my life after has been immeasurably better.

[saskflames69]

How do I disclose my true feelings to a rather preppy girl when I myself am on the lower end of the social spectrum?

[bc-chris]

Originally Posted by saskflames69

How do I disclose my true feelings to a rather preppy girl when I myself am on the lower end of the social spectrum?

honestly - just tell her how you feel. i know it's easy for me to say but if you think "there's a chance" just let her know.

back in the day when i was doing my degree there was a girl that i really really liked. i never got the nerve to ask her out becuz i thought she was waaaaaay out of my league (she was doing modelling and was regularly flying from kelowna to toronto for photo shoots). a couple years later i ran into her and her fiancee... a guy that i knew from hockey.
i got to know her mom (i was on the student council exec and her mom worked for the university so we got to know each other thru meetings etc.). one day her mom asked my why i never asked her daughter out and i was sorta floored. she then went on to tell me that her daughter had the biggest crush on me and was just waiting for me to ask. i guess i was pretty clueless - oh well.

so yea - all that to say if you like her, let her know somehow. maybe start with asking her out for a coffee or lunch or something like that and use that as a launching pad to see if she's into you. if she's not, well, you know to move on and stop 'hoping' that she likes you

oh... and another thing.... i found it quite interesting how the 'social spectrum' seemed to not matter nearly as much once i got out of high school. i still find it quite amazing that a number of the 'coolest kids' in high school went on to do absolutely nothing with their lives (our 20 year reunion was last summer)

[KTown]

Originally Posted by dissentowner

I understand that. The mother thinks there can be something there if I wanted to try, I don't think there is. I guess I have decided that if I have to sacrifice finding someone for me to be there all the time with my son I am willing to do that right now. I guess down the road things could get tough though. I don't know, right now I am comfortable like this, focused on my career. She asked that we not see other people in this arrangement and I am ok with that. I know all the sites and have a capable hand, lol.

I tried to live in your situation for a while, basically roommates but you really can't date anyone else, it's awkward for you and awkward for the person dating you. Eventually it made me a worse father. For the last year and a half we've been separated and living 6 blocks apart. Our son goes back and forth. Week on and week off. One thing I can say is that since I'm happier, I'm a lot better father these days. I enjoy my time with him and I enjoy my time without him. Life is even better since she now has a bf, she can only have enough time to harass him I guess! She tends to leave me alone. We barely speak unless it's to do with our son.

Good luck, I just can't see what you are doing ending in a good way. My son was 2 1/2 when we split, he to this day knows no different and will most likely just assume this arrangement to be a part of his normal life. It will be a lot tougher split on your child if he's 5 or older as he will know the difference.

I'm a big believer in you can't make others happy, unless you are happy yourself.

[Flames in 07]

Originally Posted by afc wimbledon

Life is about being content not happy, I was content to survive in a crap marriage for my daughters sake for a damn near a decade, in the end it blew up and I left/got pushed out when my daughter was 9. I don't regret a day of it even though my life after has been immeasurably better.

That's very inspiring.

If that's what works best for the OP, then great. But if your life is immeasurable better now, compared to being in the crap marriage how do you not regret it? (I'm not trying to be smarta$$, I'm just curious)

[Sylvanfan]

I think you really have to think about the longer term and how you transition in that time frame. The arrangement might work today, or for 6 months, but what about 12 months, 2 years, 5 years? At some point in time you are going to have to change your arrangement, and the younger the child is when it happens I would think it's better as it gets tougher for kids to change as they get older. If you've been to counselling, surely a counseller can make this woman understand that at some point the two of you won't be living together, but will have to be able to share time with your son.

Essentially I would echo what K-Town is saying...if this woman has a reasonable bone in her body certainly she should understand this too.

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by saskflames69

How do I disclose my true feelings to a rather preppy girl when I myself am on the lower end of the social spectrum?

Follow her on the C-train, sit behind her and start playing with her hair, chicks totally love that.

Or, just maybe, tell her your feelings. If you need some help with the first conversation.

[Peanut]

So they have a child, live together, don't have sex, and generally get along but aren't in love... Doesn't sound much different than a lot of mediocre marriages to me. I'm surprised that people are acting so surprised about the arrangement working for now. It's happening everywhere.

[CaptainCrunch]

Except that every so after as a man I have to bash pelvises with a girl or I start losing IQ points and I could die.

I don't make the rules that's just the way it is, and porn is no substitution.