Theres this girl and unfortunantly she is an extremely heavy woman. Everyday when shes on her way to work she has to walk by a petstore. In the window of the petstore lives a parrot and every day when she walks by the parrot says.
"Fat b*itch, Fat b*itch, Your a Fat B*itch."
After a few days of this happening the woman gets so upset that she walks into the petstore and says to the owner,
"You know I have to walk by here everyday, and everyday your parrot is berrating me about my weight. I can't take it anymore, hes going to have to go."
The petstore owner apologizes to her and says, "If he says it again, I promise you we will get rid of him. No questions asked you just let us know. Again I am so sorry this has happend to you."
Satisfied she goes home.
The next day she walks by the petstore and she hears, "Hey." She turns around to see the same parrot in the window, the bird looks at her and says, "You Know."
One of the best "Why did the chicken cross the road" jokes, from a standup comedian:
Comedian : Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the Russians were bombing them
ah Lee Mack
I was trying to find a video of his "drinking and driving" bit for the stand up comedy routine thread but I suppose this is as good a place
"actually ive got a confession to make, im drinking and driving,...fark em, everyone says its wrong drinking and driving dont they? i can tell you 2 things that are far more dangerous than drinking and driving, 1 drinking, 2 driving. do you know how many people were killed last year as a direct result of alcohol abuse? 35 thousand. do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of driving a car? 22 thousand. do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of drinking and driving? 500 :| im not taking any farking chances!"
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Seeing the Kevman has not been banned... I will post these 2 gems... apologies in advance:
There is a new women's shelter around the corner from our office. It's called 'Tempura House' - it's a shelter for lightly battered women
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Two bums strike up a conversation in line at the soup kitchen...
#1: Man, you should have camped with me last night.
#2: How come?
#1: I had just set up my box down by the river, when this naked woman rolls down the bank right into my lap...
#2: Whoa, man!
#1: We went at it all night! I had her every which way.
#2: Wow! Awesome - did you get some head?
#1: Mwhat, head, no, she didn't have no head...
Two best friends decide to take a camping trip for a week in the mountains. After three days, they want to kill each other.
So, Bob says, "Why don't we split up for the day. You go up to the north and I'll go down to the south." Al agrees it's a good idea to split up.
After the day is over they meet back at the campfire to discuss the days events. Al goes first. "I had a beautiful day, Bob. I walked to the top of the hill, found a pond and decided to sunbath there for the day. I saw a deer and it's fawn drink out of the pond, a bear and it's cub playing in the grass. It was beautiful. How was your day?"
"Well, AL, it was sort of the same. I walked down to the bottom of the mountain and followed these train tracks when all of a sudden I found a woman with an amazing body tied to the tracks. I untied her, gently picked her up and we made passionate love all day long."
Seeing the Kevman has not been banned... I will post these 2 gems... apologies in advance:
There is a new women's shelter around the corner from our office. It's called 'Tempura House' - it's a shelter for lightly battered women
_________
Two bums strike up a conversation in line at the soup kitchen...
#1: Man, you should have camped with me last night.
#2: How come?
#1: I had just set up my box down by the river, when this naked woman rolls down the bank right into my lap...
#2: Whoa, man!
#1: We went at it all night! I had her every which way.
#2: Wow! Awesome - did you get some head?
#1: Mwhat, head, no, she didn't have no head...
I am seriously contemplating a call to the law society!!!
Does remind me of that case though. What was the name? Necrophilia related? Counterparte or something?
A married couple is driving home from a party and gets pulled over by the police. The policeman comes over and says "You were swerving back there, I'm going to have to give you a breathalyzer." He gives the man the machine and sure enough it shows that he's drunk. The man says "Whoa, I'm not drunk the machine must be broken, let my wife blow into it." He gives the wife the machine and she blows over as well.
"That doesn't prove anything, she could be drunk as well." says the policeman. "Ok I have an idea, give the baby the machine." replies the man. Sure enough the machine shows the baby is drunk. "I'm sorry sir, I guess you're right the machine is broken." As the couple is pulling away the husband turns to his wife and says "What did I say? It never hurts to give the baby some liquor"
Location: A simple man leading a complicated life....
Exp:
A Canucks fan decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
The Canucks fan looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The Canucks fan looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.
Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The Canucks fan is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No" dumb as$, the voice yells out. "I am the manager of this hockey rink!!!
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Location: A simple man leading a complicated life....
Exp:
Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up like fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Johnny was being uncharecteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his father.
Johnny said "My father is an exotic dancer at a gay bar and takes all his clothes off in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Johnny aside to ask him "Is that really true about your father?"
"Well, not really" said Johnny, "he plays for the Edmonton Oilers, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Billy was in his Grade 5 class in Detroit, MI. The teacher asks the class "How many of you are American". The entire class save Billy raises their hands. The teacher asks Billy "Why didn't you raise your hand when I asked if you're American?"
"Because," Billy replies, "I'm Canadian. My mother's Canadian, my Father's Canadian, and my Grandparents were Canadian."
A bit irritated, the teacher says "Well Billy, just because your parents are Canadian doesn't mean you are. You were born here. So by your thinking, if I said your Grandparents were jackasses, your mother is a jackass and your father is a jackass, what would that make you?"
"Then," Billy replied, "I'd be an American."
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Three soldiers are stationed in Saudi Arabia, an American, a Canadian and a Swede. Well, this is a dry country, but all 3 decided to sneak in some booze. Of course, they get caught and are brought before the king for punishment.
The king says "You will all be sentenced to 30 lashes for drinking in our country. But, since this is my wife's birthday, I will grant you each one request prior to your lashing."
Well, the Swede is up first, and he asks "Can you strap a pillow to my back?"
So they do, and after about 10 lashes the pillow is gone. The following 20 lashes tear the Swede's back apart, to the point where he is bawling uncontrollably. He's taken to the hospital.
The American thinks, and says "Well, let me have two pillows on my back", figuring this is a smart plan. Well, it doesn't work as planned, and after 20 lashes the pillows are gone and the American catches a good lashing. He stands and says he can take it.
Now it's the Canadian's turn. The king turns to the Canadian and says "I must be honest with you, I truly respect you. I am a huge hockey fan, and your country is the first nation of hockey. Due to this, I will give you two requests."
The Canadian thinks, and gruffly replies "Then make it 60 lashes"
The king is impressed. "Asking for more? This truly shows your bravery and toughness. I truly respect that. And what, may I ask, is your second request?"
"Tie the American to my back."
Last edited by ResAlien; 08-08-2009 at 05:14 PM.
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3 Oilers fans "Jack,Joe and Billy" were out fishing on Wizard lake one day when a freak wave almost capsized their boat, Holy crap Joe "where's Billy? asked Jack. knowing Billy couldn't swim Joe immediately jumped in dove under to find him.
After a few minutes an exhausted Joe surfaces with an unconscious Billy. After pulling him in the boat Jack and Joe start CPR. after a few minutes Joe says, "Jesus Jack, Billys got some real bad disgusting breath" To which Jack quips, "really? I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile suit either"
Two guys are sitting and talking one day. The first guy says "Don't you you hate it when you mean to say one thing and something else accidentally slips out. For example: I was at the train station the other day and I went to buy a ticket. The lady at the counter was a beautiful blonde women with a great set of breasts. I walked up to the counter wanting two tickets to Pittsburgh and said "I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh please." I felt so embarrassed."
The other man laughs and says "I know exactly what you mean. Just this morning I meant to say to my wife "Can you pass the salt?" and I accidentally said "You've ruined my life you dirty B___h!"
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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