Joke Competition Help Needed

[JohnnyB]

Originally Posted by Hemi-Cuda

(this one is required to be said out loud, a Mexican accent helps)

What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhinosaurus?

Elephino

Wait a minute... you skipped the part about combining the dinosaur and the rhinoceros!

[JohnnyB]

I'll beat my brother to the punch.

Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?

A: Cancer.

[JohnnyB]

So in Jerusalem, there's an old Jew who has been going to pray at the Wailing Wall for as long as anybody can remember. One day a news reporter goes to interview the hobbled old man on his experience.

She asks "Sir, how long have you been coming to pray here?"

"About fifty years" the old man answers.

"And what do you pray for sir?' the reporter asks again.

"I pray for peace between the Arabs and the Jews." he answers.

"So what do you feel like after doing this for fifty years?" the reporter asks.

"Like I'm talking to a f@&king wall!!"

[JohnnyB]

A dapper looking old man walks into a posh, upscale bar. He sits down at the bar and orders a glass of well aged port, a glass of fine scotch, a glass of champagne and a martini. The bartender brings all four of the drinks to the dapper looking fellow, and the man immediately downs all four of the drinks. The bartender, a little taken aback, says to the man "You certainly must have a big problem to be drinking like that" to which the man replies "If you had my problem, you'd down them fast too." The bartender, eager to lend a sympathetic ear, leans in to the man and asks "So, what is your problem?" The dapper old man looks up at the bartender and answers, "I've only got two dollars!"

[Bertuzzied]

Just make 31 ffffkkkkks and collect your prize.

[TheContact]

Originally Posted by photon

Awesome.

Along those lines:

What's brown and sticky?


A stick.

Oh yeah? What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?




Dr. Dre

[driveway]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

[The Fonz]

After a guy nailed this blonde girl, his wang started burning. He goes into the kitchen and pours a glass of milk, then dips his weiner in it to stop the pain. The blonde walks in and sees this and says "Ohhhhhh so that's how you reload it!".

[Delthefunky]

A giraffe walks into a bar and sais, "highballs on me"

[Misterpants]

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

Cause they're ugly and they stink.

[HalifaxDrunk]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting...13...13....13...13..
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'
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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
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Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a Chicken Sedan.
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What did the monster eat after having it's teeth drilled?
The Dentist!
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What has six legs and four balls?
Peter, Paul, and Mary
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What's brown and lives in the woods?
Winnie the Pooh!

What's brown and covers the woods?
Winnie's Poo.

[VANFLAMESFAN]

I read this one a couple days ago in a really old Maxim.

Airplane is about to crash, it's free falling. A woman stands up and says "If I'm gonna die, I wanna go out feeling like a woman.....is there a man on this plane that can make me feel like a woman??" A guy stands up, takes off his shirt, throws it at her and says, "Here, iron this bitch!"

[STeeLy]

A man signs up for a women's studies class in University. At the beginning of the first class, the professor asked him what his reasons were for signing up for this class.

To which the man replies: Well, I wanted to learn how to cook.

[4X4]

An old chinese guy goes to the optometrist for an exam. Doctor says to him "I've got some bad news. You've got a cataract." Chinese guy says "no, no, no, I drive a rincoln!"

[CaptainCrunch]

So after a short and fiery relationship a guy marries the girl of his dreams. They go on their honeymoon and after a passionate night of smashing pelvis they go to sleep.

In the morning the guy rolls over and looks at his wife and says "Its not that I don't appreciate it, but why is it that after making love you pet my penis for 30 minutes"

His bride looks at him and replies "Its just because I miss mine so much"

[Jason14h]

A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"

"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"

"Water..." was the feeble reply.

"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

[GreenTeaFrapp]

In Greece how do they seperate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar!

[millhouse11]

what's a Jewish dilemma?

a free ham sandwich

_________________________________

Why doesn't tigger have any friends?

Because he plays with poo

[4X4]

Originally Posted by 4X4

An old chinese guy goes to the optometrist for an exam. Doctor says to him "I've got some bad news. You've got a cataract." Chinese guy says "no, no, no, I drive a rincoln!"

I've been telling this joke for years and I just now realized that it would be funnier and likely more appropriate to say Rexus instead of Rincoln.

[Prototype]

What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being ######ed.