How to help someone who is codependant?

[Flames89]

Don't try and save psycho b!tches

(I dated one for years ... they are very sneaky)

[4X4]

Ah, you describe a situation very similar to one in my life. Wayyyy back when I was 15, I had this girlfriend with totally useless parents. The mom was just a pothead that would stay in her bedroom all evening smoking weed. The dad was a raging alcoholic who would just sit on the couch all evening while me and the girl were hanging out in her room, free to do whatever we wanted because we both knew that the parents wouldn't walk all the way down the hall to open the door.

It was a relatively short relationship, but after we broke up, we remained friends. Eventually we bacame the type of friends who didn't actually do anything together socially, mostly just phone friends, and specifically, she'd call me to ask me my opinion on her problems (of which there were many)(usually boyfriend related).

We lost contact for a couple of years while she was married to a totally abusive pr1ck. She eventually gathered the balls to call me one day and she told me what was up. Eventually, she divorced the guy. This seemed to take forever.

A few weeks into her freedom, she hooks up with another abusive a-hole. And naturally, she calls me to ask why he's such a jerk. So, as usual, there I am, listening to the same story, different guy.
By chance, a couple of weeks later, I ran into them at a bar. My friend was happy to see me and hugged me, to the chagrin of the b/f. He spent the next little while getting a bit aggressive with me and more or less 'marking his turf (her)'. I was starting to be drunk at this point and told the two of them that a: I had no interest in her, as I'd already had her, and b: that I was not interested in fighting him for any reason other than maybe to punch him once just because I didn't like him.
Most important was c: that I could no longer be her shoulder to cry on. And that as long as she continued to make the same stupid mistake over and over, she needed to go tell someone else, but not me. Basically, the friendship stops here, call me when you've got your head screwed on straight.



So, OP, that is my long-winded way of saying that you don't need other peoples' problems. All it does is drag you down. It puts you in a crappy mental state that affects your own life, whether you realize it or not. So just disown her. It may sound cruel, but you can't spend your life worrying about other peoples' problems. Because that will create problems for yourself.

[Metro Gnome]

I suggest you pretend she's a man next time you deal with her. Not a chick in trouble. Not your ex. A guy...

That way, it becomes a lot easier to tell her she's being stupid and you're not going to bail her out anymore.

[troutman]

22 and 20?

You are both too young for all this drama. Take your time - explore the world. Discover your potential. Serious relationships can wait until you are fully developed. So says this old man.

[Jason14h]

What's her number?

(This thread is pointless without pics)

[Buzzard]

buzzards wife says: she's using you, plain and simple

[Locke]

Originally Posted by habernac

gotta agree with the majority here.

run.
like.
hell.

....and dont look back.

[Locke]

Originally Posted by Buzzard

buzzards wife says: she's using you, plain and simple

That could be your username: Buzzard's Wife.

[Russic]

I have nothing original to add so my post will function merely to drive the point home. Everybody here has a similar story and everybody here generally has the same outcome. You can either learn from us or become one of us . . . I recommend the first one.

Being there for her will only exacerbate her problem and you will get used (and not in a fun way). Sure you've shared some laughs and good times, but it's time to focus on you. It's a thin line between being a nice guy and being a sucker. I should know, I rode that line so much back in the day it now burns when I pee.

[Trojan97]

Geezus, looks like I picked a good topic for a little Wednesday afternoon discussion ahahahaa.

Basically, what I'm getting from the group is:
a) take her back
b) she's definitely NOT using me
c) hookers and blow will be a part of my near future

In all seriousness, thanks for the replies everyone. I'm not really interested in getting back with her so I'm not too worried about looking foolish or "getting played" because quite frankly I only picked her up because she was in hysterics and it scared the crap out of me when she called at such a random time. I definitely wouldn't make a habit of it.

It is definitely tough to just walk away from someone who you know you could help and who you care for (not by getting back together but by maybe convincing her somehow to get some counselling) but I can see it's obviously the smartest thing to do. Definitely tough to see this other side of someone tho after two years of great memories. oh well, chalk it up as a learning lesson.

on a sidenote: my ex was in fact buzzards wife! maybe we should just lock this up before things get nasty....

[Trojan97]

Originally Posted by Bring_Back_Shantz

Okay, not be be a dick, but it seems to me that you broke up with her and now regret that decision.

Every time I hear a story even remotely like this, there is always the part about, "she deserves someone better", which usually means "She deserves me".

She's obviously got some problems, and she is coming back to you for help because she knows she can.
She's moved on, you on the other hand are experiencing some "Seller's Remourse".
Maybe it's time for some tough love where you tell her to call a cab, and maybe you should help her out when she calls you at 4:00 AM, but don't do it because you're still hung up on her, you broke up with her so that ship has probably passed.

If you do help her thinking you'll be able to get her back, you're just letting her use you, because chances are you'll submit to just about any unreasonable request and she'll still be able to go off with Johnny Not-so-nice.

But if you help her because she is a friend who need help, you can be objective about it and when she calls for a ride at 4 AM and then goes back to the guy, you can tell her she's being ######ed, and next time she can call a cab (ie, tell her to help herself).

I can see how it sounds like I regret the breakup now, but not so much. I found out while we were going out that the of the two guys she dated before me, one cheated on her and one was a boozer who apparently pushed her at some party. By "deserving someone better" I definitely mean someone SANE

[chid]

I have been involved with a guy on and off for about.. 8 years. After moving in with him and finally realizing just how unhappy I was being with him, and how well he had me almost brain washed into being something I was not we broke it off.
For the last 4 months I've been getting nothing but manipulation from him trying to convince me this is the biggest mistake of my life.
He's tried it all.. guilt trips, aggressiveness, etc. Anything he says I have to keep telling myself is manipulation, no matter how bad it makes me feel.
I've been strong, at most time and not let him back in, but it has been hard.

Point of story: Don't put up with her contacting you, if she knows you are going to help her out once then she is going to continue contacting you for less severe things until you get sucked back in. (From my experience anyways)

[CaramonLS]

Sadly, these types of people need tough love. Break off contact with them, otherwise you're simply going to be taken down as well.

Until she changes and stops putting herself in dumb ass situations, then she can **** right off. I'd tell her as much if I were you too.

[RougeUnderoos]

Originally Posted by Trojan97

I can see how it sounds like I regret the breakup now, but not so much. I found out while we were going out that the of the two guys she dated before me, one cheated on her and one was a boozer who apparently pushed her at some party. By "deserving someone better" I definitely mean someone SANE

Well if that's the case and you are just interested in helping her out, make sure you are brutally honest about the character she's mixed up with. Don't be a shoulder to cry on, be harsh. Tell her the guy is a dick and he's cheating on her every time his name comes up.

This is a win-win strategy. Either she'll stop looking to you for advice or she'll actually take it.

[Gozer]

Is this co-dependency? Sounds like regular ol' dependency to me.

[Rutuu]

Some people are just crappy people and they don't even know it...

This has been posted before I think, but seems fitting:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzZWqYWhdQw

[FireFly]

I'm going to say something different here because while I don't think I've ever called a guy at 4AM to pick me up, when I was younger, I had a similar problem... Although I didn't always pick losers, I really only ever had two.

Yes, she does have issues. No, you won't be able to break her of her codependancy on males, (at least not easily). However, you CAN be her friend if she needs one and you want to be one for her.

First off, based on what you've said about her father, she's looking for love. However, the only times she's ever been shown love from a male, are probably when she has sex with them. Clearly, even her father didn't show her love, and on top of that, was an ass. So she's always going to be looking for love from men in a sexual manner which explains why she doesn't take breaks.

Being her friend and showing her a friendship sort of love, if that's what you're willing to do, will help her get over that. Does she have any brothers? How do they treat her? If she had a male in her life that treated her with respect without having a sexual relationship with her, it would probably help a lot. You said she moved here and you started dating fairly quickly? Does she have many friends in town? People who love her just for her? You know her well if it's only been since January and you were with her for two years. Does she need a friend? Can you be her friend? Sounds to me like she really hasn't had anyone she can rely on...

Anyway, yes she's got issues. If you want to help her, make it VERY CLEAR that you will only be her friend and that would probably help. Just don't get sucked in too far. There's a line, you should know where to draw it.

[Buzzard]

Nah it wasn't me Trojan, I woulda taken the ride then borrowed 500 bucks from you and laughed myself to sleep Then in the morning I'd call and ask you for a ride to work, but first could we drop off my boyfriend?? jk

[SebC]

Originally Posted by Buzzard

buzzards wife says: she's using you, plain and simple

Seriously, it's not that hard to get your own username!

Buzzard can probably walk you through it in a couple of minutes.

[NSFL]

Originally Posted by Trojan97

It is definitely tough to just walk away from someone who you know you could help and who you care for (not by getting back together but by maybe convincing her somehow to get some counselling) but I can see it's obviously the smartest thing to do. Definitely tough to see this other side of someone tho after two years of great memories. oh well, chalk it up as a learning lesson.

The problem is you see it as something you can help her fix. But this a problem only she can fix. So...to repeat the majority of what CP has said, tough love man.

Originally Posted by FireFly

Yes, she does have issues. No, you won't be able to break her of her codependancy on males, (at least not easily). However, you CAN be her friend if she needs one and you want to be one for her.

/Snip/

Anyway, yes she's got issues. If you want to help her, make it VERY CLEAR that you will only be her friend and that would probably help. Just don't get sucked in too far. There's a line, you should know where to draw it.

I'm sorry, Firefly, for once, it seems I can't agree with you. Leaving any open outlet is going to allow her to continue to be dependent.

To whoever said this was dependence, not co-dependence, you're right. I had a similar situation with a best friend, not a boyfriend. But she had become so dependent on me to be the person to bring her up when she was down, help her when she had problems, freaking call her to wake her up in the morning to go to class, so on, and so forth. I finally realized that she was messed up and the only way for her to get better was to stop allowing her to keep doing what she was doing to herself, which was pretty much manipulating people, and not taking responsibility for any of her own actions. Her life may have sucked, but a lot of it was because I kept giving her sympathy and making it so that it was easy to keep milking her situation so she didn't bother to change. I finally just told her off. Told her to grow up, take responsibility for her situation. Seriously, one of the hardest "breakups" I may have ever had. But the thing is...she actually cleaned up her act. She found out what it was like being alone, to have to clean up her own messes and she actually started helping herself.

So...in a very long and roundabout way, tough love. man. You have to tell her why your ditching her ass to the wind, and hopefully she'll think about it and she may help herself.