1 million posts... - Page 52 - Calgarypuck Forums - The Unofficial Calgary Flames Fan Community

Azure · 07-30-2007, 05:31 PM

Actually...I do now...

HalifaxDrunk · 07-30-2007, 05:31 PM

Ask the Prez, I'm sure he can describe it to ya. "Yeah, right!"

Azure · 07-30-2007, 05:31 PM

Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk ou t to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff. The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink"

Azure · 07-30-2007, 05:33 PM

THE TORONTO BOARD OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO. 1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sh*t truck at 100 yards. 2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a*shole. 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. 6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway. 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember) 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. 10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Biff · 07-30-2007, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FireFly

BIFF! I miss you, buddy! I'm sorry we quarrelled! Let's be friends again!

Okay. I take back all the mean things I said about you in gym class. I'm still at work. and bored....BUT...

Steaks are on the counter at home reaching room temperature suitable for immediate grilling as soon as I get home and tonight is first try at Shrimp on skewers. I didn't marinate 'em so I'm hoping that Garlic Plus seasoning will provide some flavour. Mmmmm. Shrimp.

The precedeing message was brought to by the MYSFMBBQTADNGTE.

ricoFlame · 07-30-2007, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HalifaxDrunk

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
British, Constitution Loquacious, Transubstantiate, Passive-aggressive
disorder, Specificity.

officer

return to the red · 07-30-2007, 05:45 PM

The little weather thing on CP says it's only 23 in calgary right now, is that correct because in lethbridge my vehicle said it was 34 on the drive home!

Azure · 07-30-2007, 06:26 PM

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

HOOT · 07-30-2007, 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JerzeeGirl

It's 403 - yes, altho I think it might be spread across provinces as a friend in Ontario called the number when she got the email and it worked.

hahah niiiice...thats not to bad, when I lived in Calgary we use to hand out Jenny Craigs number.

HOOT · 07-30-2007, 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azure

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

Liar

Azure · 07-30-2007, 06:40 PM

The computer thread still has more posts, eh...for whoever said this was the longest active thread.

HalifaxDrunk · 07-30-2007, 06:52 PM

We shall prevail!

calf · 07-30-2007, 07:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The President

Well another one...
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Mike or Michelle...He thought he had fire the employee who come
late to work the next morning.

Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought
he would catch the first one who take a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decide to see
who took the longest lunch break-strangely , neither Mike or Michelle took a long lunch break , they both ate at their respective desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave the earliest amd both
stayed after closing.

Michelle finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her
and said:''Michelle,I have a terrble dillemma. I don't know whether to lay you or Mike off.
She said,''Well,you,d better Mike off,because I'm late for my bus.

it's funnier if the guy's name is Jack

Berger_4_ · 07-30-2007, 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by calf

it's funnier if the guy's name is Jack

much, much better...how do you mike off???

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole #####ing thing!

Berger_4_ · 07-30-2007, 07:52 PM

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Biff · 07-30-2007, 09:05 PM

Report from the BBQ.

Steaks were perfect. Shrimp were acceptable. Cooked well but next time I'll marinate them for a while. Garlic plus was insufficient. Mushrooms, on the other hand, were outstanding. I think I've got the BBQ pretty-much figured out.

Azure · 07-30-2007, 09:09 PM

All except the part where you invite all of CP...and we make you go bankrupt overnight.

Bobblehead · 07-30-2007, 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by return to the red

The little weather thing on CP says it's only 23 in calgary right now, is that correct because in lethbridge my vehicle said it was 34 on the drive home!

Yes it was correct.

return to the red · 07-30-2007, 09:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bobblehead

Yes it was correct.

then I'm jealous...I like nice weather but practically a month of mid 30's weather is a little much

BlAcKNoVa · 07-30-2007, 09:42 PM

Yeah no kidding. I think on average Calgary hits the 30's 3 or 4 times a year, but I swear it's already been like 10 times.

It's funny, usually I'd be groaning when the temperature hits 20+ (I'm a winter person), but when it's 25 out lately I'm smiling. Anything but this 30+ crap. Supposed to be 23 tomorrow as a high here, and then it gets hot again (30 on wed, 32 thurs)