A close friend of mine went through a similar situation, where his mother-in-law was constantly interfering; the way my friend described to me, it sounded like his wife was being controlled by her mum, with all sorts of accusations being thrown at him. The wife basically chose her mum over building her own family unit, even after they had a kid. Ultimately, they ended up going through a nasty divorce.
The way I see it, your wife has to be the one who stands up and tells her parents to stop interfering and be willing to put her family unit over her parents. If she chooses to continue to be the doormat, nothing will change, unless you walk away (sorry!)
Quote:
Originally Posted by tenyardrambo
Wow to all the responses. Let me answer most questions.
When I was dating my wife, she was very independant when it came to the basics of life. Paying rent to a landlord(who was her supervisor at the time), buying groceries, small time budgeting. Like I mentioned about government entitlements, she somehow slipped into a certain disability category when she was in elementary, now she gets money from the government to supplement her income. I legally had to send in paystubs to the government so they can see how much I was making. When we first got married the government wouldnt allow me to fax them in directly, so I had to give it to my mother in law. That p1ssed me off big time. Now I make enough that the entitlement period is no longer in play. This is another part where the first month of marriage was h3ll with my inlaws, they had to see my income.
I have no idea if they had witnessed someone close who had drinking problems but I know that they do drink wine at home on a weekly basis. Hypocracy? yep!
I have sat down with them and told them to mind their business in a nice way but the stuff that is said behind my back is quite frustrating. From being a 'drunk', controlling, manipulative, obsessive.
I am showing my wife how to say no and mean it. Instead of giving in. If she sticks up for herself, she is being told by her family that I am controlling her. Whenever someone wants something to be done with/by my wife, it needs to be NOW, drop whatever she is doing and assist.
Most of the above posts are right, she needs to stop being very emotionally attached and live her life, I cant control it(irony) its up to her.
I have told my inlaws a few times that our life is ours and we need no middleman. The mother in law always says 'yes you do'. Thats when I leave.
I tried being nice, I have nipped at them but it is coming close to a lose lose situation.
Another problem is my mother in law will always try to isolate my wife from me, going out to lunch or coffee. She asks my wife the oddest questions about if I have been talking about moving outside of Calgary? I made a joke once when they were showing how much housing prices costs in the States and said 'hey lets move there! big house costs the same as our average sized house here in Calgary.' That leaked out and next 'family' function, I was accused of trying to separate everyone by that moving to the states comment.
The end result is that I cant talk, communicate with my inlaws without them b1itching about something.
I tried being the peacemaker but now I am on my last string.
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I can imagine it will only get worse, not better, from here. Are you and your wife thinking about having kids someday? Will the inlaws interfere with the raising of your child, and how are you going to feel about that?
My inlaws are getting an extra-good Christmas gift this year.
Yeah, my in-laws will get nice gifts, on the provision that they never visit this country again.
You haven't seen the power of domineering, meddling, know-it-all parent-in-laws until you marry into a Chinese family. I can't imagine how bad it would have been if I had actually understood what they were saying.
Yeah, my in-laws will get nice gifts, on the provision that they never visit this country again.
You haven't seen the power of domineering, meddling, know-it-all parent-in-laws until you marry into a Chinese family. I can't imagine how bad it would have been if I had actually understood what they were saying.
I know a guy.....
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Yeah, my in-laws will get nice gifts, on the provision that they never visit this country again.
You haven't seen the power of domineering, meddling, know-it-all parent-in-laws until you marry into a Chinese family. I can't imagine how bad it would have been if I had actually understood what they were saying.
I suppose that's the price of Yellow Fever.
I'm glad I married me a nice normal hood rat from Marlborough.
Ultimately your wife either has to put a stop to it OR give you the permission to completely ignore her family while she simply receives the mudslinging and lets it drip off of her (if she is at all influenced by it it won't work). The second thing was really how we dealt with things the past few years until the incident this summer when we went the route of simply putting a complete end to things.
Either way, the one thing that needs to happen is that they need to respect YOUR home and YOUR rules in the home as you would (presumably) respect their rules. Or you could go by one of the Ten Commandments:
"if someone is doing harm to you tell them to stop. If they continue DESTROY them."
I think what separates your case from others is the disability element. I have found that relatives, in this case, can be overprotective, judgemental, and a downright pain in the butt. It usually stems from fear and ignorance. Usually with time and patience the truth becomes known and things return to normal. However, it takes the patience of Job and a lot of belief in yourself. I agree with others that you really have to get your wife onside to make any headway.
Have you considered a half-hearted conversion for the sake of the relationship with your wife's family? Dont drink around them and throw in some jesus talk once in a while at family dinners and all is good... Just hope your father in law doesnt get you to kneel down in front of his congregation and scream "I'VE ABANDONED MY WIFE"...
Besides, whats the worst that can happen- you find out in the afterlife that CP was wrong about the existence of God and you get to laugh your ass off at us as we burn in hell...
I'm going to go ahead and assume you're joking about this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tenyardrambo
Wow to all the responses. Let me answer most questions.
When I was dating my wife, she was very independant when it came to the basics of life. Paying rent to a landlord(who was her supervisor at the time), buying groceries, small time budgeting. Like I mentioned about government entitlements, she somehow slipped into a certain disability category when she was in elementary, now she gets money from the government to supplement her income. I legally had to send in paystubs to the government so they can see how much I was making. When we first got married the government wouldnt allow me to fax them in directly, so I had to give it to my mother in law. That p1ssed me off big time. Now I make enough that the entitlement period is no longer in play. This is another part where the first month of marriage was h3ll with my inlaws, they had to see my income.
I have no idea if they had witnessed someone close who had drinking problems but I know that they do drink wine at home on a weekly basis. Hypocracy? yep!
I have sat down with them and told them to mind their business in a nice way but the stuff that is said behind my back is quite frustrating. From being a 'drunk', controlling, manipulative, obsessive.
I am showing my wife how to say no and mean it. Instead of giving in. If she sticks up for herself, she is being told by her family that I am controlling her. Whenever someone wants something to be done with/by my wife, it needs to be NOW, drop whatever she is doing and assist.
Most of the above posts are right, she needs to stop being very emotionally attached and live her life, I cant control it(irony) its up to her.
I have told my inlaws a few times that our life is ours and we need no middleman. The mother in law always says 'yes you do'. Thats when I leave.
I tried being nice, I have nipped at them but it is coming close to a lose lose situation.
Another problem is my mother in law will always try to isolate my wife from me, going out to lunch or coffee. She asks my wife the oddest questions about if I have been talking about moving outside of Calgary? I made a joke once when they were showing how much housing prices costs in the States and said 'hey lets move there! big house costs the same as our average sized house here in Calgary.' That leaked out and next 'family' function, I was accused of trying to separate everyone by that moving to the states comment.
The end result is that I cant talk, communicate with my inlaws without them b1itching about something.
I tried being the peacemaker but now I am on my last string.
You got problems. Sincerely, with no malice intended. You need to get the hell out of that situation. Self edit: I'm not going to say what I was going to say, it would most definitely be taken the wrong way.
Extricate yourself from this situation at all costs...For your own mental health.
