child behavior problems

[crashbandit]

Hello

I am a single father of a 7 year old boy. My long-term girlfriend is helping me raise my son as well. We reside in Calgary, Alberta.
I got full custody 3 years ago and before that he was bouced around abit. It must have been very hard on him. He may have seen and experienced bad things at a very early age. His Mom at the time was very troubled.

He is having aggressive behavior problems at kids form school, after-school care and at friends houses. He tends to bully younger kids and if he dosen't get his way then he acts abruptly and can't control his anger.
He has been sent to the principles office (he attends a catholic sepreate school) several times last year and has hit other kids numerous times. He was described by his teacher as, "The ring leader."

The start of this year is off to a bad start once again. I am interested in getting him further help to combat his aggressive behavior. I have health coverage for therapists and couselors through Sunlife.

What kind of therapists and types of treatments are the best for my son?

Any tips or advice would greatly be appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

[Regulator75]

[VladtheImpaler]

Ask your family doctor or the school guidance counselor perhaps... As much as CP is great resource of useful information.

[Superfraggle]

Let the therapist determine the treatment. They need to meet the kid and get a read on him. There is not enough information for anyone to make that determination yet.

[ma-skis.com]

what about putting him into sports organized or not, sometimes kids need a place to use up that physical energy at some point in the day more than a typical school gym class would allow.

[Hockeyguy15]

I would think kid would be scared to go alone...Would maybe family therapy be a good way to ease him into it?

I have no clue, I'm no doctor. The word 'therapy' just seems to make people not want to go, but maybe if you go with him it will be less worrying?

[AMG_G]

I have a 3 year old son and I do notice the more quality time I spend with him the more easy going he becomes. He is always looking for Mom and Dad's attention and recognition. Your son's behavior didn't just happen overnight and cannot be corrected overnight either. I don't know you so I can't say you haven't been spending enough time with him but if you're not it's a good place to start. Bully's are usually just trying to get more attention on themselves.

[crashbandit]

lol regulator, being a father, that feels like me at times.

[You Need a Thneed]

In addition to whatever therapy may be required, just show your son unconditional love and be patient with him. It can take a long time to undo what has been done.

Make sure he knows that you are supporting him, walking with him. Don't let him feel like he is being punished in taking the therapy (whatever that may be).

[Rathji]

If you need some advice on some low income options, send me a PM and I can give you some assistance.

I will agree that the more time I spend with my kids the better they behave. It is like night and day to compare summer when I have lots of free time and November/December when work and school keep me very occupied.

edit: Labeling him the "The Ring Leader" or something to that effect, to his face, only serves to reinforce that behavior. Kids believe what people in positions of authority tell them.


from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labeling_theory since I don't have time to look up a real reference.

Our self-image is, in fact, constructed of ideas about what we think others are thinking about us. While we make fun of those who visibly talk to themselves, they have only failed to do what the rest of us do in keeping the internal conversation to ourselves. Human behavior, Mead stated, is the result of meanings created by the social interaction of conversation, both real and imaginary.

With my 2 year old, even when he has just done the worst thing ever I always tell him: "You are a good boy, good boy's shouldn't do bad things", and then explain why what he did was bad. More correctly, explain what the proper way to do things would have been - ie be gentle with the baby vs don't hit the baby. With 7 year old, you might not need to do that as much, but I think positive reinforcement influences kids more than negative reinforcement, especially kids who might be 'troubled'

[Cheese]

see PM

[killer_carlson]

have you tried listening to him?

[Wormius]

Be an example to him. See how he behaves in a playground or park with other kids, and gently correct him when you see him behaving in an overly aggressive fashion. Don't make it too confrontation, just make sure he comprehends that you don't like how he's playing. I try to do that if I catch my son at home doing something he picked up at school or daycare that isn't acceptable, and normally once is enough to curb that.

At the end of the day, try some positive reinforcement of the things you were most happy about with him. A reward of some kind - a scoop of his favourite ice cream for dessert or something not too financially ruinous. One thing that didn't really work was making rewards the result of a weeks worth of a specific chore or something. They're young and they'll lose track and forget about what they're working towards.

Anyway, those are my ramblings on fatherhood.

[Ben_in_Canada]

But seriously, I agree with the comments about giving your son positive attention and an outlet for his energy such as sports

[Huntingwhale]

[photon]

To me the question is can he control his anger and isn't, or is he incapable of controlling his anger?

Some kids on the spectrum (Aspergers, Autism, etc) seem otherwise pretty typical but their emotion level is so high even when not stimulated that when something does happen to make them angry, they are literally incapable of thinking like most kids would (which is to evaluate options, weigh consequences, stuff that gives the typical kids self control).

Do you often see situations where he can control his anger? Or is it a case where you know that if there's certain inputs he'll always go off?

Just a thought, sometimes expecting them to learn self moderation through simple negative consequences isn't realistic, sometimes they need help learning that in different ways.

In either case, some kind of anger management therapy (yes they have it for kids that age) could be very helpful, I've talked with people who've had success with their kids with that (from an Autism spectrum point of view, but it should be easier with a typical kid).

A pediatrician could also be a good place to start, they usually have good references to resources, you should be able to get a referral to a pediatrician through a family doctor. Going that route will get you into things covered, but the waits can be very long.

Alternately since you have some coverage, you could start with a simple visit to a good psychologist to at least get some idea of what direction to go (EDIT: Even just by yourself at first to get an idea of direction). If you want you can PM me and I can send you the name of someone I've worked with in the past that I can recommend.

[photon]

Oh, and please PLEASE remember to take care of yourself too. Being a parent is stressful at the best of times, and when things are in a rough patch it can affect your entire life. Depression is a hell of a thing and can sneak up on you.

Guys are sometimes "suck it up" types, but there's only so much mental stamina one has, and getting external help (even if it's just for a few hours a week to get out of the house) can be very important.

[Locke]

Have you tried this?

[crashbandit]

lol, great spanking pics guys. expecially the classic one.

lots of great info there everyone.

thanks for the leads. My son just needs to redirect his raw emotions better. It's so amazing how some kids, especially asians kids I notice, are so calm and focused.

I just hope I pick the best treatment for him and not some wierd therapy that makes him worse or gives him more ammo to misbehave.

[firebug]

First off, as much as people would like to believe it, not all of a child's behavioral challenges are due to their parents.

As has been suggested, consult a professional. The school or your doctor should be able to provide you with some recommendations (as well as those from members of this board).

I have found these two books very beneficial in improving my parenting as well as understanding my child's development.

Between Parent and Child

The Nurture Assumption