Relationship advice - Page 4 - Calgarypuck Forums - The Unofficial Calgary Flames Fan Community

dissentowner · 08-11-2010, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubecube

Yeah, she's not going to like it but you have to protect yourself. Are you 100% sure you used a condom every time?

Very.

Antithesis · 08-11-2010, 08:32 PM

Which would you rather feel like, a jerk for asking for a paternity test to protect yourself, or a fool for taking care of a kid that may not be yours for 18 years. It sounds to me like there is little possibility of making your relationship worse than it is right now, so I really think you have nothing to lose here. Maybe I'm completely insane here, but if you frame the request the right way, she might not take it too badly. I mean, come on, you already asked her about abortion.

dissentowner · 08-11-2010, 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Antithesis

Which would you rather feel like, a jerk for asking for a paternity test to protect yourself, or a fool for taking care of a kid that may not be yours for 18 years. It sounds to me like there is little possibility of making your relationship worse than it is right now, so I really think you have nothing to lose here. Maybe I'm completely insane here, but if you frame the request the right way, she might not take it too badly. I mean, come on, you already asked her about abortion.

Very true except I can see her pulling the "are you calling me a slut?" card which will lead to me saying "if the shoe fits" and all hell breaking loose. I am kidding.

08-11-2010, 08:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dissentowner

Yes, a paternity test is a must I guess but I am going to feel like an a-hole asking. I am only good at being an a-hole on message boards,lol.

She thinks you're an a-hole anyways.

Can you still live with her in a room mate capacity for the next three years while you go to school? That will help you both out money-wise and you get your education so you can move out with a nice paying job and then pay support. You may have to take out a schwack of loans and max out cards, but it should work out in the end, right?

There is also the therapy route. You would be surprised what relationship problems a good therapist will help you solve. Or at least learn how to have a better relationship with each other in a non-romantic way while you jointly raise the kid.

Whatever happens: Good luck.

Weiser Wonder · 08-11-2010, 08:35 PM

Yeah if you used a condom every single time, definitely get a paternity test.

SeeBass · 08-11-2010, 08:36 PM

whatever you do... DO NOT stay together.

As a child brought up by two parents who stayed together "for our benefit" but hated each other it is worse than being brought up by one parent. Your child will learn from you what their version of love is and will probably act the same.

You do not want your child to think that fighting is love and trust me they will and drama is not love. You could damage any chance your child would have of having a loving marriage.

dissentowner · 08-11-2010, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Puxlut

She thinks you're an a-hole anyways.

Can you still live with her in a room mate capacity for the next three years while you go to school? That will help you both out money-wise and you get your education so you can move out with a nice paying job and then pay support. You may have to take out a schwack of loans and max out cards, but it should work out in the end, right?

There is also the therapy route. You would be surprised what relationship problems a good therapist will help you solve. Or at least learn how to have a better relationship with each other in a non-romantic way while you jointly raise the kid.

Whatever happens: Good luck.

I have thought of that, just try the roomate thing but she is the jealous type and while it does not upset me of think of her bringing some dude home and getting it on I know she will make my life hell if she finds out I am boning another chick regardless of if we are split or not.

photon · 08-11-2010, 08:37 PM

Yeah ask for the test, but you could time it well.. move out now and indicate that you still want to be involved, then after things have calmed down a bit you can ask.

MrMastodonFarm · 08-11-2010, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scimitar

He already suggested abortion, not sure the kid will appreciate it. She will probably make sure the kid finds out about that. !

First of all, he is having an unplanned pregnancy, and is/was weighing his options. Nothing wrong with that, at all. It doesn't mean he won't love the kid when it's born, and it doesn't mean he won't be a great dad.

Secondly, if she does mention that to the child when it's older, she is a horrible parent and doesn't deserve to be a mother and he should get custody. Telling a child that only serves to benefit the greedy parents, not the child.

As for the topic... it sucks but it's life. Do what you had planned though, you can't stand her, don't be with her. Move out, but still remain in the child's life. Also, go back to school. It's better for you, and the child that you get the career you want and it's only going to be harder to go back as you and the child get older. If getting a part time job wasn't in your plans when you went back to school...make it part of the plans. You aren't going to have a lot of free time but you're a dad, get used to it I suppose.

It probably isn't what you want, but makes the best of it, and congrats on being a father. Once the shock wears off... you will probably love it.

Regorium · 08-11-2010, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubecube

The other reason to get the test done is that if 5 years from now he finds out the kid isn't his, but he's been acting as father towards the kid for those 5 years, he's still on the hook for child support for the next 15 years.

Absolutely.

Heck, if you're not sure the kid is yours, don't sign the birth certificate until you get the paternity test. The law doesn't care about biology. You already don't like the girl, so there's really no harm in asking.

However, if it is yours, be responsible about it.

Antithesis · 08-11-2010, 08:38 PM

Further, consider that you need to take care of yourself here too. Don't let yourself be steamrolled into a situation where you are making your life worse in order to make the mother's easier. While I am not a lawyer, id say there is absolutely no reason for you to leave school, and she should not be pressuring you to, especially if you explain that you are going to school to make your life (and the kids' life, after the test results come in) better. I cant imagine there could be a situation where you could be forced into abandoning your plans to go to school, though I have next to no experience in this area. Perhaps one our resident legal beagles could chime with some advice.

dissentowner · 08-11-2010, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeeBass

whatever you do... DO NOT stay together.

As a child brought up by two parents who stayed together "for our benefit" but hated each other it is worse than being brought up by one parent. Your child will learn from you what their version of love is and will probably act the same.

You do not want your child to think that fighting is love and trust me they will and drama is not love. You could damage any chance your child would have of having a loving marriage.

I agree and I want to be happy, I don't want to be miserable staying with somebody I don't love just to try and provide a family like atmosphere.

MrMastodonFarm · 08-11-2010, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dissentowner

I agree and I want to be happy, I don't want to be miserable staying with somebody I don't love just to try and provide a family like atmosphere.

Families are a lot of things these days, straight, divorced, gay, lesbians... mormon.

4X4 · 08-11-2010, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dissentowner

Very.

Dude, I have two buddies that have been through the same thing you're going through. They both decided on paternity tests (maybe the second one learned from the first one?) and both of them were "relieved of duty". Funny stuff because both of those girls swore to whatever god they believed in that the respective dude was DEFINITELY the father.

Get the test. Don't be a dick about it. Just get the test.

Sylvanfan · 08-11-2010, 08:41 PM

Yeah I remember those threads by hahastupidoilers. I still think they were intentionally staged because I like to believe people aren't that stupid. The result was so predictable he had to be jerking our chain.

Tragic sometimes how peopel who want kids in the worst way can't have their own, and than you get situations where people are not trying yet it happens.

I'll say this much from experience, the first trimester is the roughest for the woman. I know my wife felt horrible for most of it. If someone isn't feeling good and or is stressed out it may be making the situation that much tougher. Once the hormones settle down in a few more weeks, you may be able to have a more civil discussion on the topic. But if you think breaking up is something you have to do, than by all means ask for the paternity test but maybe wait 5 weeks. Don't put off the school thing though if you really want to do it. If there is a time in your kids life to be poor, the first years are it. Young kids are far happier to have loving and attentive parents than to have the coolest baby stuff and a nanny caring for them 24-7. Kids don't figure out that they're poor until they go to school!

photon · 08-11-2010, 08:45 PM

You have to wait until the baby is born to get the paternity test done right? I mean it's not like they use a needle or something to get a DNA sample... right?

/clueless

photon · 08-11-2010, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sylvanfan

Once the hormones settle down in a few more weeks, you may be able to have a more civil discussion on the topic. But if you think breaking up is something you have to do, than by all means ask for the paternity test but maybe wait 5 weeks.

This brings up a good point, you could even wait until after 20 weeks or so. It's not a pleasant thing to think about, but the miscarriage rate before then is non-trivial... I don't recommend new parents to tell everyone else about their news until after that.

Antithesis · 08-11-2010, 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by photon

You have to wait until the baby is born to get the paternity test done right? I mean it's not like they use a needle or something to get a DNA sample... right?

/clueless

Not sure if this is in jest but I can't see why this would be a requirement. If you can test for genetic abnormalities using amniocentesis, then I don't see why you couldn't test for you are/are not the father.

puckluck · 08-11-2010, 08:51 PM

If I were you I'd probably get an abortion. Even though I'm totally against abortion sometimes you have to make tough decisions.

Kind of weird and hypocritical that I am against it, but would not think twice in case of a unplanned pregnancy.

EDIT: I know she wants the kid, but just stating what I would do....if that makes you feel any better for people harping on you for wanting an abortion.

ricosuave · 08-11-2010, 08:53 PM

I am absolutely stunned at some of the comments and so called advice to one of our own.

Yeah, we can tolerate the millionth hookers and blow joke, but some of the callous comments in this thread, directed to someone asking for legitimate advice really has made me question the makeup of this board.

Some of you should be ashamed.

/end rant

dissentower, all I can offer is get some counseling for yourself and the missus, and good luck.