A woman's been in an unresponsive coma for decades. All therapies have been tried, and finally the doctor pulls the husband into his office.
"We're going to try one more thing. It's radical and has never been tried before. I'm going to hook your wife up to a heart monitor, go into a different room and you're going to try oral sex therapy."
The man agrees, and the doctor goes into a different room to observe the heart monitor while the husband does his thing. All's going well, but suddenly the heart monitor flatlines.
The doctor bursts into the room and blurts, "What happened?"
"I think she choked," the husband replies.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As the bartender is pouring it, the guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a little piano, sets it on the bar, then pulls out a little guy that sits down at the piano and starts playing it.
The bartender was absolutely fascinated by this tiny little guy playing the piano and asks the patron where he got it.
Patron tells him that he found a genie lamp outside sitting atop some garbage in a garbage can. He rubbed the lamp and a genie granted him a wish.
The bartender jumped over the bar and ran outside and found the lamp and rubbed it.
When the genie appeard and asked the bartender for one wish, the bartender requested a million bucks. Suddenly, the sky grew dark. As the bartender looked up, he saw a million ducks flying overhead. Dejected, he returned to the bar and told the patron about how stupid the genie was. "I asked for a million bucks and I got a million ducks", complained the bartender.
Patron replies "well did you really think that I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
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A Calgarian, an Torontonian and a Newfie go into a nuie bar in Montreal to "visit" the girls. As they walk in they see three doors that are labeled $20, $40, $80. The Calgarian says, "well I only have $20 so I will check out the first room." So he goes in and comes back out 10 minutes later and says, "boys, it was the best! I went in there and a girl put a pineapple ring on my weiner and ate it off!" The Torontonian says, "well I have $40 I am going into the second room." He comes out 20 minutes later and says " oh man that was awesome! There was a girl in there that put two pineapple rings and whip cream on my weiner and ate it off." The Newfie is really excited at this point as he is sitting on $80 large in his pocket. So he says "I am going into the last room and will let you know how it is..." The Newfie walks into the room and is out within 15 minutes. The other two ask what the matter was? The Newfie responds, " boys oh boys it was the worst experience of my life! I went in there and a girl put three pineapple rings whip cream and candy spinkles on my weiner....it looked so good I ate it off myself!!!!"
Told to me by a newfie when i lived just ibn case.......
So women know what it is like to live with an irratating fotze every now and than as well!
Sorry to the poster fotze but I am sure most know what it stands for by now....
A native walks into a bar on Davie street in Vancouver and bellies up to the bar asks for a beer. A short while later a fellow sits down next to him and whispers something into is ear. All of a sudden the native jumps up and procedes to kick the crap out of this poor fellow and leaves him whimpering and bleeding on the floor. The bartender surprised asks, "wow man, what did that guy say to you?" The native responds, " I am not 100% sure but it was something about how would you like and a job."
it helps if you know what Davie street in van is famous for....
Making money in the stock market is easy. Just buy stock in companies
that will merge. Here are my merger predictions.
1. Hale Business Systems
Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and
become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records
Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become: Poly,
Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and will not be called MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing
Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell
Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.
Bombardier is buying the Fokker Aircraft company and spinning off its aeronautics division into a new corporation. The company will be called Bomfokker.
A woman walks into a bar and sees another man with a hat. The man with the hat, takes off his hat and pulls out a little person. The rest of the bar gazes in amazement as the little person then goes to the piano in the bar and starts playing a song. The woman asks the man with the hat "That was amazing, how did you even find something as incredible as that?"
The man with the hat responds: "Oh, there's a gypsy in the back who grants you any wish you want."
The woman goes out to the back and asks the gypsy "Gypsy, can I have a million bucks?". All of a sudden a million ducks start falling from the sky and start flying around. The woman, obviously upset goes back into the bar and tells the man about the gypsy giving her the wrong wish.
The man responds back "Yeah, I know. Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"
It's sex ed time for the elementary crowd. The teacher says, "Okay, class, I'm going to show you some pictures and I want you to tell me what they are."
Teacher holds up a picture of a breast, and Little Mary in the front row says, "Ooooh, I know what that is, that's a boobie and Mommy has two of those."
"Very good, Mary." Teacher holds up a picture of a vagina, and Little Joanie throws her hand up........"That's a vagina, and Mommy has one of those."
"Excellent, Joan!!" Teacher holds up a picture of a penis and there's a pause. Finally, Little Johnny holds up his hand.
"That's a penis and my dad has two of 'em."
"Two? Are you sure, Johnny?"
"Yeah, I'm sure.........he's got a little one he pees with and a bigger, longer one he brushes Mom's teeth with!"
Location: Wondering when # became hashtag and not a number sign.
Exp:
Sorry to bump this but i heard this last night...thought it worthy of this thread.
The difference between realistically and theoretically.
A young boy walks up to his dad and says "dad, what is the difference between realistically and theoretically". The father thinks for a minute and says to the young lad, "i want you to go to your mother, your sister, and your brother and ask each of them if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back to me and we will see what you have found out".
So off the youngster goes to his mother in the kitchen and asks her, "mom, would you sleep with Bradd Pitt for a million dollars?" She thinks about it for a second, looks at him and says, "well actually yes i would as it would allow us to send both you kids to college and set us free financially". The boy says "OK thanks mom".
he then goes into his sisters room where she is talking on the phone and he interupts her..." would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a millon dollars sis?" She tells her friend to hang on a sec and looks at him and quickly answers... "hell i would sleep with Brad Pitt for free so OF COURSE I would sleep with him for a million dollars, now get out of here".
So off the boy goes to his brother who is entrenched in a video game with his buddy. He says "hey bro, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"....the older brother stops his game for an instant, thinks about it as he looks around and says, "you know I really would, as i could by all the video games i wanted and a motorcycle", so the boy leaves the room to the chuckles of his brother and his pal.
he then heads back to his father who is working at his desk and sits down in front of the man. His dad waits a couple minutes and finally asks, "so son have you figured out the difference between realistically and theoretically yet?"
The boy looks at him a moment or two with a bit of a befuddled face and says " yeah I think I have". His father says, "well what is it?"
The boys says.....
Well theoretically we are sitting on 3 million bucks, but realistically we live with two hookers and a queer!
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