Asking the Old Man-in-law for permission

[Phanuthier]

Originally Posted by Table 5

So basically it would've made your wife happy, her dad happy, and her mom happy but you didn't do it because you thought it was an odd custom. It's fine to have opinions on things, but sometimes doing what will make the people you care about happy trumps all.

Agreed, if I were in the position, I'd just do whatever would make future wife happy. I don't really give a crap one way or another anyways.

It would be so ackward if he said no though.

[MarchHare]

Originally Posted by MoneyGuy

My wife and I were in Africa three years ago and our safari guide in Kenya asked one of our female companions how much her husband had paid her father for her hand. It surprised him greatly to learn that that's not how it's done here. In Kenya, a man's wealth is measured in the number of cattle he owns.

My mother is a British citizen who grew up on a colonial farm in Kenya in the 50s and 60s. One of the workers on the farm would constantly barter with my grandfather to marry my mother. My grandfather found a great amount of humour in playing along and setting the price to be more goats and cattle than the farmhand could afford. :P

Looking back on it now, it's kind of a cruel joke to play on a guy. I still laugh whenever I think of it, though.

[Cgy Girl]

if it's something you want to do, then you should. I know that my parents were really impressed that my husband approached them first. I definitely wasn't expecting him to, but in hindsight, it was a pretty sweet and respectful gesture. :-)

likely, they will be just happy you included them, however you decide to approach them. Congrats & good luck!!

[loob job]

Man, i am in the exact same boat as you. I know I should do it at some point this year. I also have asked my g/f if i need to ask her dad, and she said that it would be nice. So i'm in your boat. I live half hour away so some day i'm going to have to go there and and talk to her dad, not really looking forward to it. Let me know how you do.

[MoneyGuy]

Originally Posted by MarchHare

My mother is a British citizen who grew up on a colonial farm in Kenya in the 50s and 60s. One of the workers on the farm would constantly barter with my grandfather to marry my mother. My grandfather found a great amount of humour in playing along and setting the price to be more goats and cattle than the farmhand could afford. :P

Looking back on it now, it's kind of a cruel joke to play on a guy. I still laugh whenever I think of it, though.

To he11 with goats and cattle. First guy who offers me Oilers' season tickets get my daughter.

[CaptainCrunch]

Originally Posted by MoneyGuy

To he11 with goats and cattle. First guy who offers me Oilers' season tickets get my daughter.

Umm sure you don't want a few cases of beer to go with that??

[Russic]

I asked my wife's dad before I proposed ... way more nerve wracking than the proposal itself. Luckily the only time I could catch him privately was between the house and the garage in -30 weather, so it there was little time for hesitation or awkwardness. It worked out really well for everybody involved.

[Slava]

Originally Posted by MoneyGuy

So how did they split the tie vote?

Knowing you as I do, I'm sure they gleefully accepted.
Sort of like this ----->

I only asked the second parent because the first one said "No!"!!

Luckily her mother won the rocheambeau that followed!

[Locke]

If you're doing it in person, wear kevlar.

[Finner]

Personally I wouldn't ask the In-Laws for permission. My girlfriend would never want me to ask permission. She wants to be the one to surprise them with news she's engaged.

Then again I know both her parents really well, so maybe its less of a big deal in that case.

[tkflames]

Originally Posted by loob job

Man, i am in the exact same boat as you. I know I should do it at some point this year. I also have asked my g/f if i need to ask her dad, and she said that it would be nice. So i'm in your boat. I live half hour away so some day i'm going to have to go there and and talk to her dad, not really looking forward to it. Let me know how you do.

Will do and good luck to you too

[Antithesis]

Originally Posted by Table 5

Eh, if that's the case, she probably has some serious daddy issues. Clearly you're not there to trade a woman for a pig and two sacks of rice. What person wouldn't like to see their parents be respected? I'd assume having your kids get married is one of the prouder moments for a parent,and most parents would feel great about the gesture....why deny them that good feeling?

Well, I think it would fall under whether it is more important to ask HER or to ask her family if you can ask her. She might view it as a slight to her as an independent adult.

As has been said before, I don't see a point in asking. If you want to say something, TELL the parents. "I am going to ask your daughter to marry me." Make it a declaration, rather than a question.

I mean, why ask? If they say no, are you going to break up with her? No. Therefore, asking is unnecessary. My wife and I had talked about our plans to marry before I 'popped the question'. I asked if she wanted me to speak to her father (not to ask, rather to tell) and she said no, and trust me, there are no "Daddy issues" there. Therefore, in our case, it is more important to adhere to my wife's wishes than her family's, whether they resent it or not.

[V]

Originally Posted by jtfrogger

I have never heard of a bride asking the grooms mother permission. Wouldn't that also be a respectful gesture? If you expect the groom to do this, why do you not have the same expectation of the bride?

My wife had the same conversation with my mother as I had with her father. Once again, not asking for permission, but rather asking for her blessing. It went over well.

[Slava]

Originally Posted by Antithesis

Well, I think it would fall under whether it is more important to ask HER or to ask her family if you can ask her. She might view it as a slight to her as an independent adult.

As has been said before, I don't see a point in asking. If you want to say something, TELL the parents. "I am going to ask your daughter to marry me." Make it a declaration, rather than a question.

I mean, why ask? If they say no, are you going to break up with her? No. Therefore, asking is unnecessary. My wife and I had talked about our plans to marry before I 'popped the question'. I asked if she wanted me to speak to her father (not to ask, rather to tell) and she said no, and trust me, there are no "Daddy issues" there. Therefore, in our case, it is more important to adhere to my wife's wishes than her family's, whether they resent it or not.

For me it was a case of "I'm going to ask your daughter, but I do want to have your blessing" sort of thing. I don't think that this calls into question the independence of the woman, or anything like that....but to each their own.

[JohnnyB]

What does it really mean for someone to 'give their blessing'? What does that actually constitute?

[flylock shox]

Originally Posted by JohnnyB

What does it really mean for someone to 'give their blessing'? What does that actually constitute?

I think that's where someone flicks you with holy water and gives you a condom.

[jtfrogger]

Originally Posted by V

My wife had the same conversation with my mother as I had with her father. Once again, not asking for permission, but rather asking for her blessing. It went over well.

In all honesty, I think that is awesome.

[killer_carlson]

My wife didn't want anyone else to know before she did, so asking her parents was offside. She was good at letting me know in advance though.

I don't think a person should ask for permission, but rather a blessing because you've made the decision to propose. It's been enunciated in this thread and I agree with that.

[fredr123]

Never ask a question if you don't already know the answer.

[HPLovecraft]

It's going to be fun for me. My girlfriend is a Pakistani Muslim girl who happens to have fairly old-fashion Pakistani Muslim parents. I happen to be an Agnostic white boy. It's been about two years, I haven't met them in person, although they do know of me and they are beginning to open up much more about me than before. They are even talking openly about me now, and they've kind of let the whole converting to Islam thing slide to the wayside a bit...

I honestly wouldn't ask for permission when the time came, but I know it's extremely important to both her and her parents, so I'll do it. Okay, I don't really care if it's important to her parents because I'm not marrying them, but I'll do it for my girlfriend. I mean, isn't that one of the things about getting married in the first place? Doing things you may or may not enjoy for the happiness and well being of your loved one? I think it's an out of date gesture myself, but that doesn't really matter if the person you love finds it important. I also find worshipping God rather out of date, too, but that hasn't stopped me!

It's going to be rough, but I'll be sure to create a CP thread about it when the time comes. I am sure it will be some great entertainment.

Bottom line is, if it'll make your girl happy, than do it. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says, conservative buffoon, or uber-progressive liberal who drink Starbucks all day. No one is actually trading anybody, it's a tradition and a custom. It's a nice gesture, I suppose. If you want to get all pissy about it, don't get married in the first place, because it's really just an outdated custom, too. And if you do, don't let her change her last name, even if she wants to, because we all know that means ya own her ass.