I asked over the phone in very bad French. I'd already asked my wife but I wanted to ask her father out of courtesy. She didn't think it was necessary but IMO it's always nice to show respect in things like that. My wife told me later that he was really proud and flattered that I'd asked him.
He said Oui, Oui, Mais Oui.
I took that as a Yes, said Merci then couldn't get off the phone fast enough.
When I asked, it went over like rotten egg. I was asking more out of respect than anything, and when that backfired, I still asked her anyway
My situation is a little complex, mostly because I am still in school... but the understanding was that the wedding wasn't going to happen until after school (which at the time was ~2 years). But we have been together for 8+.... bleh. I don;t want to think about the most awkward 2 hours of my life.
Worst part: Her mom called my fiancee up and said "He went and had lunch with your dad today... any idea why?"
So not only was I told no (with out actually saying no) but the surprise was also ruined.
But, I must reiterate it had everything to do with being able to provide.. and being in school isn't that easy to do it. That's (as far as I know) the only reason it didn;t go over well.
Exactly. You should know his answer before you would ask him but what if he does say no? You and your woman are your own people and adults and able to make your own decisions. Asking your soon to be father-in-law for permission has now become lame in my opinion. In fact my father-in-law would have similar feelings on the matter. Besides, its a much better surprise for your soon to be fiancee's parents to hear of the engagement from her or her and you together.
Now, with that being said, make sure it isn't something that your girlfriend would want to occur. If she wants it, then do it. If she's indifferent to it, then don't bother. What really matters is how you pop the question to her. When I proposed I took my wife to a bench that overlooks the coulees in Lethbridge (we live in Lethbridge). I had previously bought a snow globe that you can stick your own pictures in. The slot was big enough to fit the ring into. So I put a picture of us and I showed her the snow globe and told her that in it is a picture of us and turned it around and said that on this side we can put our wedding picture in there. At that point she saw the ring, so I pulled it out bend down on one knee and asked her to marry me. Now, pay attention here because this is VERY important advice. If you do drop down to one knee, make sure you don't put that knee down on any freakin' rocks or pebbles... it hurts like hell!
No way is the father the final decider. I didn't ask my father-in-law and have regretted it all these years. Now that my daugther is probably within a few months of getting the question asked of her, I hope her guy has the good sense that I didn't.
I say you should ask. Don't make the mistake I did.
Well he isn't the final decider per say but like Phanuthier says what happens if he says no?
If you still go ahead and get married that puts you in a pretty ugly situation going forward with her family.
If you respect his wishes and don't ask her than in a way he's become the final decision maker.
Well he isn't the final decider per say but like Phanuthier says what happens if he says no?
If you still go ahead and get married that puts you in a pretty ugly situation going forward with her family.
If you respect his wishes and don't ask her than in a way he's become the final decision maker.
The father is never the final decider, unless you let him be. If he says no, I'd say something like this: "I'm sorry that you don't think I'm worthy of your daughter, but I love her very much and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I asked you out of respect. I'm going to ask her anyway. If she honours me with a favourable response, I promise to be the best husband possible. Maybe one day you'll come to believe that I've kept my promise to her, and to you."
When my daughter's boyfriend asks me (if he does), I plan to say something like this: "I'm honoured that you have asked me. We raised our daughter to be an independent thinker and I know that she'll make the best decision. She always has. You have my blessing to ask her. If she says yes, then I know that you're getting a great young woman. I wish you the best."
The father is never the final decider, unless you let him be. If he says no, I'd say something like this: "I'm sorry that you don't think I'm worthy of your daughter, but I love her very much and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I asked you out of respect. I'm going to ask her anyway. If she honours me with a favourable response, I promise to be the best husband possible. Maybe one day you'll come to believe that I've kept my promise to her, and to you."
Well if you're going to ask either what's the point in asking him at all? Sure you could do it out of respect but really how much respect is their if you not going to take into account what he thinks is best. Your approach is really just telling him you're going to ask her, because no matter what he says you're going to anyway.
Asking for permission seems a little odd, like people have said, it seems like the daughter is a piece of property to be bartered with. That's why I didn't ask for permission. The night before I proposed to my wife I told her father that I intended to propose to his daughter, and was asking for his blessing to do so. It was awkward at the time for me, but it wasn't a surprise to him, and it went alright.
In the end, blessing or no, you go through with the proposal. If he's okay with it you've scored some bonus points, if he's not okay with it he would've been pissed anyways.
I am by no means an expert on this subject. But if the father says no, it doesn't really change anything. I guess you'd know that he doesn't support the idea, but really you are asking for his blessing, not his permission.
You also need to keep in mind that your girlfriend might be put off by your asking her father depending on her attitudes about such things. I don't see it being necessary, but if you wanna, then you wanna! ... ah ... I see it has already been said ... carry on then ...
Last edited by Antithesis; 01-27-2009 at 06:13 AM.
I sat my wife's or fiancee I should say entire immediate family down and asked for their blessing. It was a) for respect of the family and the love they have for their daughter/sister. and B) so I could cart her down to Vegas for a week of drinking and fornicating while I proposed to her!
Last edited by North East Goon; 01-27-2009 at 08:09 AM.
If your in your 20's, that probably means that her parents are in their 40-60s. That generation is still old fashioned, even if they attempt to hide it.
My father in law lives in Kamloops, and I was living in Red Deer at the time. The was no chance that I'd be able to meet up with him in person. I called him before the drive into Calgary, and it helped me calm down a bit. I know it was absolutely important to him, just as it was to me.
If you want to, and you don't, regardless what his answer his, you'll never have this chance again. Do it.
I resemble that remark!
but even I, when I asked my wife to marry me, check with both parents first. took them out for a nice sunday brunch and told them of my intentions. In this particular case, I check with her mother as she was the one that essentially ruled the roost. The "jumping up and down and packing my wife's suitcase" though made me wonder if I made the right decision. I kid, I kid. It was a very emotional time for her family and they were very happy to see us get hitched.
What an old school bunch on this board. I hadn't even met my girl's parents when we got hitched. In fact, I think they'd only found out she had a boyfriend a month or two before it happened.
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"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
I'll pitch in, I asked my ex's father, he never did say yes rather just smiled awkwardly while her mom hugged me. He then proceeded to hand me a beer (which in saskatchewan terms tells me it's ok).
I thought it was important to ask both parents together after all, they did raise their daughter together.
Disclaimer: My advice may become void due to the ending of said marriage, take it for what it's worth
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