Joke Competition Help Needed

[Superflyer]

This bloke walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replied the bloke, "You know I live by the railway? Well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in them movies. I of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time!" He continued "We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, doggy style, spoons, me on top, sometimes her on top. I was totally shagged out this morning!" "Jesus", said the barman, "you lucky , did you get a BJ?" "No," he said "I never found her head."

[Superflyer]

Frank and Jim, are out on the golf course. Just as Frank is about to tee off, a funeral procession goes by on the nearby highway. Frank stops, removes his hat, and watches the entire procession pass.
Jim, astounded by this display of sympathy, says, "Wow Frank, I never knew you cared so much!"
And Frank goes, "Well, we were married for over 30 years."

[CaptainCrunch]

So a African American, a Jewish American, a Mexicon American and a bigot are walking along a beach when they find a old lamp. They decide to rub the lamp and out pops a Genie. He looks at all four of the men and says

"In gratitude for releasing me from that prison, I will grant you all one wish"

He looks at the African American and asks him what he wants

AA - "All I want are good economic times in Africa and an end of war and disease, so all of us can go back to our native continent and live together in peace and harmony"

The genie with a tear in his eye grants that wish and pop the African American vanishes

The genie then looks at the Jewish American and asks him what he wants.

JA - "All I wish for is a lasting peace with Palestine, an end to war and hatred and prosperity so all Jews can go home and live off the land together in peace"

The genie is virtually leaking tears as he nods his head to grant the wish. With a loud popping noise the Jew is gone.

Then he looks at the Mexican and asks him what he wants.

MA - "All I want is an end of corruption in Mexico, a strong economy and good paying job so all Mexicans can go home and live together."

Wow this is too much for the Genie who's openly sobbing as he nods his head and the mexican vanishes.

Then the Genie turns to the racists and asks him what he wants.

Racist - "So all the n###### are gone back to Africa?"

The genie nods

Racist - "All the jews have gone back to Judeia?"

the genie nods again

Racist - "All the spics have gone home to Mexico right"

The genie nods

Racist - "I'll have a diet coke"

[Superflyer]

A group of scientists are walking thru the jungle one day when they come upon Tarzan all torn up, missing an arm, eye, leg, and genitals.
They take him back to their camp and fix him as best they can with what they have available. Once he's recuperated, they send him back off into the jungle.
A few weeks later, they run back into Tarzan and ask him how he's getting along.
In tarzan voice "With this leg of cheetah, Tarzan run faster than gazelle. With this arm of orangutan, Tarzan swing further thru jungle. With this eye of eagle, Tarzan see more than all animal brothers. But, one problem... This elephant trunk keeps picking grass and shoving it up my a$$."

[flip]

Why do women fake orgasms?


Because they think we care!

[GirlySports]

My favorite joke



Socrates' Logic:
One day the great Greek philosopher Socrates (469 - 399 BC) came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?", exclaimed the student.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it....no, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.

[flip]

Originally Posted by GirlySports

My favorite joke
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.

O snap! That is actually especially funny, if true, because Plato was 40 years younger than Socrates.

So either Plato was really young, or he just like the cougars.

[GirlySports]

Originally Posted by flip

O snap! That is actually especially funny, if true, because Plato was 40 years younger than Socrates.

So either Plato was really young, or he just like the cougars.

Maybe the wife was really young!

[macker]

What is the one thing Wall Street and the Olympics have in common?
Sychronized driving.

What's the capital of Iceland? About $3.50

What is the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
A Pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

What is the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A pizza can still feed a family of four.

Broker to client : "Ive got good news - you'll be paying 40% less in fees for the foreseeable future!"

I wrote a cheque for $100 to my friend but he never got it. The cheque was good, the bank bounced.

What is the definition of optimism?
An investment banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday night.

The crisis is so bad Atm's now have slot machines.

[4X4]

I think you guys are forgetting that they were Greek.

[OutOfTheCube]

Why does Bille Joe like NASCAR?

Because he can never do anything right!

[T@T]

Blonde joke

Q - what do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?

A - 1995 hide&seek champion

[ResAlien]

A young man walks into a bar.

"Bartender! 5 shots of tequila!"

Bartender thinks this is a bit odd, as the man is by himself, but pours them up anyway.

In the blink of an eye the young man slams all five shots, one after the other.

"Well holy hell son, that's quite some drinking. You celebrating or something?"

The young man says "My first blow job"

"That's great!" says the bartender, "let me buy you another!"....

"No thanks, " the young man says, "if 5 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

[ResAlien]

In their later years, Moses and Jesus are walking along the beach. Moses turns to Jesus,

"Check this out, I've still got it."

With that Moses raises his staff high, the skies darken, and the Sea splits in half.

"Not bad," Jesus says, "But that's nothing, watch THIS"

With that Jesus begins to walk across the water. After he gets out about 40 meters, he starts to sink! Before he knows it, he's drowning! The waters are tossing him around, and his demise is imminent.

Without hesitation, Moses again parts the seas. He walks out and drags Jesus back to shore. The entire way Jesus is hacking up water and thanking Moses.

"I'm so embarassed" Jesus says, "I can't believe that happened."

Moses looks at him with an understanding grin.

"Don't worry about it," he replies, "the last time you tried it you didn't haves holes in your feet."

[Dion]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

[ResAlien]

One night, a man is sitting by himself at the bar, sipping a Coors Light. Across the bar he spies an attractive young lady who's drinking a Coors Light as well.

"Psst, hey barkeep, let me buy that woman a beer."

He heads over, and the two hit it off rather nicely. They get to talking...

"Why are you here?" She asks.

"Well, my girlfriend just left me because she says I'm too kinky." says the man.

"What a coincidence!" the woman retorts, "My boyfriend just left me because he said I was too kinky!"

One thing leads to another, and they head back to the young woman's house for a night of carnal pleasure. Once they arrive, the young lady excuses herself to her room to freshen up, and the man grabs a seat on the sofa. A few minutes later she comes out in black satin lingerie, holding a rather explicit adult film.

"Sorry, but that's not freaky enough for me" the man replies.

Undeterred, the woman marches into the kitchen, grabs some fruit and ice cream, and returns.

"This freaky enough for you?" She asks.

"Not really" he says.

Well, this woman is going to rock his world. She once again returns to her room, and you can hear quite a rustle. 15 minutes later she emerges from the room with a crazed look in her eye.

She's clad head to toe in leather, full on dominatrix outfit. She's got a whip in one hand, and a ominous looking vibrator in the other. She storms over to the man...

"Is this freaky enough for you!?!?" She demands.

"It's cool," the man says, "I already screwed your cat and took a crap in your purse, I'm leaving."

[Dion]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves."What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

[ResAlien]

nm. screwed that one up. That's all I can post without getting banned, one of my old bosses at a bar was a former pit boss in Vegas and told me some amazingly horrible jokes. I'll help more if I think of stuff later. Good luck with your competition bud.

[Dion]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the
light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the
stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around
frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the
corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did
you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus

[Buff]

The punch line of this joke is required to be said as though you were playing the stereo type of a flaming gay guy:

Q: What does a gay horse eat?
A: Haaaaaaay!
(works well if you wave hello too)