Jokes or stories for a retiring Scot

[MoneyGuy]

I'm speaking tomorrow evening at a retirement function for someone who is Scottish. Does anyone have a joke or a story of some kind that would apply to someone Scottish?

[SportsJunky]

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

[looooob]

http://www.fife.50megs.com/scots-jokes2.htm

[Matata]

If its not Scottish, ITS CRAP!

[Fozzie_DeBear]

An american, a scot and a canadian all die in a car crash and end up in front of St Peter...SP says that there has been a mistake and that for $10 they can go back to earth.

A few seconds later the paramedics are stunned when the American wakes up, he tells the paramedics about what happened...they ask why is the Scot and the Canadian still dead?

Well when I left the Scot was arguing about the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.

wakkka wakka

You could slip the saying that Scots have deep pockets and short arms...

[icarus]

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones sing "Hey you, get off of my cloud"
The Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!" (say with accent)

[Clarkey]

How was the first copper wire discovered? 2 Scots fighting over a penny.

[icarus]

Actually here is a funny true story.

My aunt (by marriage) is from Quebec and was still learning English when she became a flight attendant for Air Canada. One day there was a Scottish guy on a flight to Canada who told her he was going to a bonspiel. Then he asked her, "do you curl?" but with his accent she thought he said "do you cuddle?". Hilarity ensued in Three's Company dramatic irony style.

[Bongo]

How did the Scotsman find the sheep in the tall grass?


Very satisfying.

[icarus]

Originally Posted by Bongo

How did the Scotsman find the sheep in the tall grass?


Very satisfying.

Substitute Kiwi in there and that is a very commonly heard joke around these parts...

[Dion]

Six retired Scottish labourers were playing cards in McTaggart's flat when Jock McGonagle lost £50 on a single hand, clutched his chest and fell dead at the table...

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continued playing - standing up.

Eventually, Davie McWhirter looked around and asked, "Someone's got to tell Jock's wife. Who will it be?" They drew straws and Hector McWachle picked the short one. So he was told to be discreet be gentle and not make a bad situation any worse.

Hector drew himself up and responded: "MacTact is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Hector went to McGonagle's house and knocked on the door. Mrs. McGonagle answered and asked what he wanted. Hector replied, tactfully (he thought): "Your husband has just lost £50 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", said McMonagle's wife.

"I'll go tell him," said Hector, and departed.

[Vulcan]

Originally Posted by icarus

Substitute Kiwi in there and that is a very commonly heard joke around these parts...

with no tall grass in Australia the sheep don't stand a chance

http://members.lycos.nl/vettigeherde...ep_on_bike.jpg

[Buff]

Hear the one about the two gay scotsmen?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

[bigtmac19]

Thanks for the laughs on a very stressful last day of tax season.

Keep them coming.!

My Scottish heritage helps to find the humour in these.