Is this mean or neccessary? - Page 2 - Calgarypuck Forums - The Unofficial Calgary Flames Fan Community

Burninator · 11-07-2007, 03:01 PM

Girls do this all the time. When girls talk to you about relationships they want someone to listen to them, despite what they say, they don't really want your advice. They'll pretend like they do, but likely they have already made up their mind. This I've learned and gotten over it.

For example. Two of my friends, we'll call them Lisa and Jane. Lisa is always dating ######s. It takes her awhile to realize it, but eventually she sees the light. However it takes her 8 months to a year to break up with the guy. This happened twice. Jane and I have had a long talk about it, twice (we'll mostly her talking, me drinking beers). She just can't understand how someone gets in that position and doesn't leave. She gives me the "I'll never do that", "I'll listen to my friends" talk.

Well fast forward a year and Jane is dating a turd sandwich and won't get out of the relationship. The whole group of friends hate the guy. He's threatened one friend with violence and almost used a weapon on him. He always fights with her, and at a party was screaming the c-word at her in front of everyone. Messy all around. She won't listen to anything we have to say. Pretty frustrating, because I can tell it's causing her a lot of trouble and a lot of friends won't hang out with her if her boyfriends around.

I've been through several similar situations with girls. But my new policy is don't ask, don't tell. I've been in the situation of listening to girls, giving them advice, them telling me they are going to do something, then they don't, complain to me again, etc, to many times. It just turns into a big vicious circle of time wasted for me. I'll offer them the shoulder once for these types of things. If they don't take anything from the conversation and turn over a new leaf like they said they would, well apparently I'm not needed then, and my shoulder is now gone.

Agamemnon · 11-07-2007, 03:03 PM

So... you don't want to date her? Then why are you hanging out with her?

Resolute 14 · 11-07-2007, 03:05 PM

I am kinda on the fence on this one, as "dump the beyotch" does sound like reasonable advice.

But at the same time, for some people, standing up to a bad situation is not something they can do alone. I think that if you consider her a friend, then you should try to be a friend. If you would not abandon any of your other friends, no matter what trouble they are in, then why would you abandon her?

OTOH, if you are just just a crutch for her, then at some point, a little tough love will have to happen. Have you talked to her about her situation, and whether she is willing to change it? Sounds like she has some co-dependency issues, which is about the only reason why I can imagine a person putting up with a twit like your former roommate. If she is attempting to shift that dependency onto you, its not going to help anyone. She has to learn to stand on her own two feet.

Tough call. I might not abandon her entirely, but at the same time, make it clear to her that she needs to take command of her own life, and that when she is ready, you'll still be there.

Burninator · 11-07-2007, 03:12 PM

rube, what do you want with her? Date her? F-buddies? Friends? Or maybe just walk away? Or not sure?

From what I can tell, you at least want to remain friends with her. I'm not sure why everyone on here wants you to abandon her because she is acting stupid. My advice would be to try and avoid situations of her complaining to you (like I do). From the sounds of things she just wants to complain for the sake of complaining. She doesn't seem to want advice. But if wants a relationship outside of friends ship then I would say GTFO. That will most likely be a silly mess.

Flames_Gimp · 11-07-2007, 03:17 PM

ah tap her one more time for fun and then ditch em

Cowboy89 · 11-07-2007, 03:22 PM

Many posters on here are thinking with their 'man brains' and assume that logic is the way to deal with women on relationship matters. For the most part women make love-life decisions with feeling and emotion rather than logic. Usually the stereotypical 'douchbag' guy is some sort of charmer (That's why despite obvious evidence of douchbaggery multiple women still want to be available to him). His charm may come in many forms: Humor, confidence, looks, etc. The reason why women stick with the ######bag after the charm has rubbed off is because either A) They lack the self-essteem to do something about being used. B) They're too weak or stupid to realize that their reasons for being attracted to him are harmful in the long-run, or C) In some way when they're around that guy they feel good in some way that emotionally outweighs how badly he treats them.

None of those options have anything to do with you and none of your logic will make a difference. Considering that this girl isn't exactly your best friend or even a good friend I'd be more worried about your need to be free of this hassle and just show her the tough love for your sake.

sadora · 11-07-2007, 04:31 PM

If you don't want to listen to her complaining just divert the conversation. Remember that you're in as much control of what you talk about with someone as they are, and if you don't want to listen to her life story...and I don't blame you, just talk about something else. If that doesn't work just tell her straight up that you don't want to listen to it.

We're not pre-programmed to do anything, especially fix other people's problems unless you truly care about the person. I'm sorry llama64 but I disagree with you on that.
If you like this girl romantically then do whatever you can to make her come to her senses/sabotage her relationship with the ######bag. If you're not interested in her in that way then just keep her around as a booty call. Whatever you do, don't let yourself become her straight guy friend who's one shopping spree away from becoming her best gay friend.

Do you even think I know what they are saying to me half the time. I don't know if they're talking about how hard it is to be a doctor, or how their dad can't show them affection. All I do man, is stare at their mouth, and wrinkle my eyebrows and somehow I turn out to be a big sweetie.

HelloHockeyFans · 11-07-2007, 04:40 PM

Life has an interesting way of evening every thing out along the way. What goes around comes around seems to always prevail. Your ex-roomate will get his one day, and sorry to say this, but some one you thought was your friend will turn around and stab you in the back as well saying that "he never really considered you a friend any way". Probably a little harsh, but that's how I see it.

You lived with him. You shouldn't have touched that girl to begin with.

OILFAN #81 · 11-07-2007, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HelloHockeyFans

Life has an interesting way of evening every thing out along the way. What goes around comes around seems to always prevail. Your ex-roomate will get his one day, and sorry to say this, but some one you thought was your friend will turn around and stab you in the back as well saying that "he never really considered you a friend any way". Probably a little harsh, but that's how I see it.

You lived with him. You shouldn't have touched that girl to begin with.

Gotta agree with this gentleman. Kev is right in his advice.

You don't lay a finger on his butterfinger.

What's the saying?

"Bro's before ho's b*tches" (even if you didn't like the guy to begin with)

Nufy · 11-07-2007, 04:49 PM

You know, I'm kinda surprised and disapointed at the same time that no one has asked......

Do you have any pics of this girl ???????????

jammies · 11-07-2007, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OILFAN #81

"Bro's before ho's b*tches" (even if you didn't like the guy to begin with)

Sorry, I don't agree with this at all - unless you count your female friends as "bro's" as well, that you wouldn't ditch for some bitch. Life isn't some war of the sexes where it's "my gender, right or wrong."

In reference to the original question - first off, I agree that you shouldn't have slept with this girl, regardless of how you feel about the guy. Second, I don't understand how he thinks you are a friend of his, but you don't like him - sounds to me like you have avoided confrontation with him, despite your dislike for his douchy ways. Third, the only real decision is - do you even want, in the tiniest degree, to be her friend? It doesn't sound to me like you do, but rather that you feel guilty about banging her and worried that if you dump her, she's going to tell your "buddy" about the two of you getting it on, and you'll get a bad rep among your friends because of it. Well, that ship has already sailed, so if it were me, I'd suck it up and tell him what I did, stress that you figure she has the same right to sleep around on him that he has on her, and say the only thing you feel bad about is that you didn't tell him before that he is a ######bag.

HelloHockeyFans · 11-07-2007, 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jammies

Sorry, I don't agree with this at all - unless you count your female friends as "bro's" as well, that you wouldn't ditch for some bitch. Life isn't some war of the sexes where it's "my gender, right or wrong."

I guess we disagree then. It's not about "my gender, right or wrong", but more about betraying that assumed trust that some one has in you once your relationship has gotten to a certain point.

Some girl of a guy who is really only an acquaintance? Fine.

But once you and another guy are past that mere acquaintance point, any advances for the other guy's ex-girlfriends, I think, should be avoided. A lot more to lose than to gain.

Especially in this case, where rube has already admitted that he didn't want a relationship with her to begin with, but just wanted to get some that night. Not worth it in my opinion. Not when there are so many other single girls who aren't connected to you or your friend out there.

rubecube · 11-07-2007, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jammies

Sorry, I don't agree with this at all - unless you count your female friends as "bro's" as well, that you wouldn't ditch for some bitch. Life isn't some war of the sexes where it's "my gender, right or wrong."

In reference to the original question - first off, I agree that you shouldn't have slept with this girl, regardless of how you feel about the guy. Second, I don't understand how he thinks you are a friend of his, but you don't like him - sounds to me like you have avoided confrontation with him, despite your dislike for his douchy ways. Third, the only real decision is - do you even want, in the tiniest degree, to be her friend? It doesn't sound to me like you do, but rather that you feel guilty about banging her and worried that if you dump her, she's going to tell your "buddy" about the two of you getting it on, and you'll get a bad rep among your friends because of it. Well, that ship has already sailed, so if it were me, I'd suck it up and tell him what I did, stress that you figure she has the same right to sleep around on him that he has on her, and say the only thing you feel bad about is that you didn't tell him before that he is a ######bag.

You're actually way off on this one. First of all, I've let the guy know several times that I realyl don't respect him for the way he treats women. Second, I was friends with his girlfriend for a few months before I slept with her. And lastly, all of my friends hate this guy's guts and I really couldn't care less if she told him.

rubecube · 11-07-2007, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HelloHockeyFans

Especially in this case, where rube has already admitted that he didn't want a relationship with her to begin with, but just wanted to get some that night. Not worth it in my opinion. Not when there are so many other single girls who aren't connected to you or your friend out there.

It wasn't really a conscious decision of me seeing her at the party and going "I'm going bang her." I was completely smashed, to the point of not being able to stand, and her grabbing me and starting a make out session.

RougeUnderoos · 11-07-2007, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubecube

You're actually way off on this one. First of all, I've let the guy know several times that I realyl don't respect him for the way he treats women. Second, I was friends with his girlfriend for a few months before I slept with her. And lastly, all of my friends hate this guy's guts and I really couldn't care less if she told him.

Well then, you tell him. If you do that I'm pretty sure you won't have to listen to her problems any more.

HelloHockeyFans · 11-07-2007, 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubecube

It wasn't really a conscious decision of me seeing her at the party and going "I'm going bang her." I was completely smashed, to the point of not being able to stand, and her grabbing me and starting a make out session.

I've never bought the "too drunk to realize what I was doing" argument. High on drugs, I can understand. But if you're too drunk to realize what you're doing, you're likely passed out, which clearly wasn't the case.

rubecube · 11-07-2007, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HelloHockeyFans

I've never bought the "too drunk to realize what I was doing" argument. High on drugs, I can understand. But if you're too drunk to realize what you're doing, you're likely passed out, which clearly wasn't the case.

I knew exactly what I was doing. I'm just saying it's doubtful this would've happened if alcohol wasn't involved. That and it's hard as hell to turn down free tail when you're wasted. It's not an excuse but it was definitely a factor.

Yeah_Baby · 11-07-2007, 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubecube

I knew exactly what I was doing. I'm just saying it's doubtful this would've happened if alcohol wasn't involved. That and it's hard as hell to turn down free tail when you're wasted. It's not an excuse but it was definitely a factor.

sure it was a factor but I don't know if it was the ONLY reason you know. Maybe it wouldn't have happened sober but I know from that whenever I have messed around wasted, it was because there was something there sober. none the less you have to ask yourself if you actually still want to be her friend or not. and then go from there.

rubecube · 11-07-2007, 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yeah_Baby

sure it was a factor but I don't know if it was the ONLY reason you know. Maybe it wouldn't have happened sober but I know from that whenever I have messed around wasted, it was because there was something there sober. none the less you have to ask yourself if you actually still want to be her friend or not. and then go from there.

She's generally decent to hang out with, so yeah I wouldn't mind. If it went the other way though then c'est la vie.

Yeah_Baby · 11-07-2007, 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubecube

She's generally decent to hang out with, so yeah I wouldn't mind. If it went the other way though then c'est la vie.

there you go, the second part of your post leans to think there is somewhat of an indifference toward her, so in that case time to move on.