Asking the Old Man-in-law for permission

[tkflames]

So I am faced with one of the moments in life where the best place to turn is the place I trust most to keep my life story private (yes I appreciate that everyone in the world is free to view this thread).

I will preface this by noting, while I am looking for advice, I am also for the enjoyment of everyone looking for your own stories.

So at around 11 pm last night, I decided that at some point between now and the summer I was going to propose. I am relatively confident that I can pick a good ring, and I am hoping for the best with everything else that could go wrong. I have been dating this girl for almost 3 years now and its definitely the right time. Having said that, I have always wanted to be traditional in my proposal and along with that ask her old man for permission (Did any of you? Is this hugely outdated?). While I am by no means intimidated, there are a few issues that make this a little bit more complex than it sounds. First I am not overly close to her Family (I mean I can talk to them and its not an issue, but they don't know me that well) largely due to the fact that we live 3000+ km apart and 2 of those 3 years I was still in University. Secondly, there are no guarantees that I will be able to see him in person. Her mom is coming out over easter so there is no opportunity to surprise visit them and he has (lets call it a mental disorder) that generally makes flying on airplanes uncomfortable.

So I come to the wise Oracle of CP for advice on how I should go about asking. Is asking over the phone a cop-out? Should I attempt in some stealth way to fly (the 3000km, plus connector flight and 2 hours car trip), Should I scrap the idea entirely?

and...Please tell us your story leading up to your engagement...

Thank you very much in Advance!!

[missdpuck]

I think it's a sweet idea. In person would be neat but if it's inconvenient I don't think the phone is a cop-out. It's just nice that you have the thought to begin with. But don't go by my advice as I'd rather have a 70s musclecar than a big diamond engagement ring which could explain why I'm single Good luck ! Sounds like she's a lucky girl!!!

[Boblobla]

I asked my Fiancees dad, he lived just outside of DC and I am in Calgary. I asked him in person and I am really glad I did. I was SUPER nervous and he was really cool, he just said yeah, that would be great if we got married.

I asked her brother as well because I really respect him and her relationship with him.

I say ask him, it will definitely improve any relationship you have because it shows you respect him and his daughter.

[Dion]

Originally Posted by missdpuck

I think it's a sweet idea. In person would be neat but if it's inconvenient I don't think the phone is a cop-out. It's just nice that you have the thought to begin with. But don't go by my advice as I'd rather have a 70s musclecar than a big diamond engagement ring which could explain why I'm single Good luck ! Sounds like she's a lucky girl!!!

Damnit! I just sold the Shelby Cobra the other day

[Ford Prefect]

It's certainly not something that's required in this day and age, but I think extending the courtesy and respect to her father is still worth it. I was in a similar position where I didn't know my wife's family that well when we got engaged, and I had to do it by phone. So I asked both her mom and dad on the phone, and they were very cool about it. I think it's really just a formality now days, but it definitely shows respect and gets the whole inlaw relationship off to a good start.

[Slava]

I asked for permission. I did this over the phone due to the distance issue, but it was still very well received. My in-laws knew that this didn't have to be done, but they were extremely appreciative of the gesture!

It also helped that my brother-in-law didn't ask when he proposed to my wifes sister! A point for me in the good column!

[fatso]

It seems weird to me to 'ask permission' before you ask her. I appreciate family is important and all that, but it seems strangely presumptuous to ask her father if it's ok and then ask her.

That said, if you think it's important to her to have gotten her father's blessing first before proposing, then go for it. Just be confident and explain why you want to propose. I'm sure you'll be great!

[Clarkey]

I think even if it's not necessary it's one of those things that's good to do as a sign of goodwill. Over the phone should be good, but in person with mom in attendance is ideal.

Buy your ring from bluenile.ca.

[Slava]

Originally Posted by fatso

It seems weird to me to 'ask permission' before you ask her. I appreciate family is important and all that, but it seems strangely presumptuous to ask her father if it's ok and then ask her.

That said, if you think it's important to her to have gotten her father's blessing first before proposing, then go for it. Just be confident and explain why you want to propose. I'm sure you'll be great!

I do see your point here, but like the poster below you says its kind of a goodwill thing. Plus, I know that I would never have asked for permission if:

(A) I thought that my father in law would say no, or disliked me to being with.

(B) I wasn't pretty much 100% sure that my now wife would've said yes.

[GreenTeaFrapp]

Originally Posted by missdpuck

But don't go by my advice as I'd rather have a 70s musclecar than a big diamond engagement ring which could explain why I'm single

You must have enormous fingers if you can fit a muscle car on them instead of a ring.

[JohnnyB]

Any chance of using skype or something like that. Flying all the way there just to ask for permission seems more than a little over the top to me.

I think my engagement was pretty much ideal. I got engaged in the mosh pit at a punk show on Halloween. It was spontaneous, and we had just done several shots of tequila. I continue to become happier and happier about the situation since then, and we got some great pictures of the moment taken by friends.

Honestly, I see the whole ask the parents thing as a little ridiculous. I feel it comes from the days of seeing the woman as property.

[JustAnotherGuy]

In my eyes, you earn a lot of respect by being man enough to ask her parents permission. When I asked my girlfriends dad for permission. He said, well you don't really need my permission but thank you for asking.

[Prototype]

If your in your 20's, that probably means that her parents are in their 40-60s. That generation is still old fashioned, even if they attempt to hide it.

My father in law lives in Kamloops, and I was living in Red Deer at the time. The was no chance that I'd be able to meet up with him in person. I called him before the drive into Calgary, and it helped me calm down a bit. I know it was absolutely important to him, just as it was to me.

If you want to, and you don't, regardless what his answer his, you'll never have this chance again. Do it.

[flylock shox]

I think it depends on whether the old boy's a jerk or not. You've got to be careful about setting a precedent.

I asked for permission before I proposed to my girlfriend. Her Dad gave me a long look and then said, "Okay son. But you can't f@#$ her."

I thought he meant no nookie before the wedding, which wouldn't have been so bad. But no dice. I have the bluest balls of any husband I know.

[MarchHare]

I didn't ask my father-in-law because it's not his decision (of course he would have given me his blessing, but it wasn't required). My wife would have found it insulting and patriarchal if I had asked for her father's permission before asking her.

[bigtmac19]

One of my friends asked her whole family, she was away at school, so he went over to their house for dinner and asked then.

Another one got engaged two weeks ago, and he did not really ask, but he did go talk to her father and tell him he was going to propose. He did it more because his girlfriend wanted him to, than any other reason.

[J pold]

Not that I'm any expert in this arena but you might want to consider how your bride-to-be might feel about this. I've spoken to a few girls before who are not totally in favor of having their father be the final decider of weather or not they get married.

[tkflames]

Thank you all very much for your wide range of opinions, perspective and help. Its definitely really nice reading all of your stories. I think since her and her family are relatively traditional, asking would go over really well. I will keep you updated on how it goes and look forward to any additional opinions/stories people are willing to share.

On a side note, its sweet what a great community this place is.

[MoneyGuy]

Originally Posted by J pold

Not that I'm any expert in this arena but you might want to consider how your bride-to-be might feel about this. I've spoken to a few girls before who are not totally in favor of having their father be the final decider of weather or not they get married.

No way is the father the final decider. I didn't ask my father-in-law and have regretted it all these years. Now that my daugther is probably within a few months of getting the question asked of her, I hope her guy has the good sense that I didn't.

I say you should ask. Don't make the mistake I did.

[Phanuthier]

What happens if he says no?